


Aderyn

by southdownsraph



Series: Magpie Universe [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Human, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Bartender Aziraphale, Chronic Illness, Depression, Disability, Dissociation, Drama, Eating Disorders, Engagement, Established Relationship, Everyone in this fic is trans I don't make the rules, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Internalized Transphobia, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Minor Character Death, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Oral Sex, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Underage, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sex Work, Sexual Abuse, Smut, Stripper Crowley, Trans Character, Transphobia, Vaginal Sex, Violence, muffing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:21:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 87,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27500083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/southdownsraph/pseuds/southdownsraph
Summary: AJ and Ezra have survived a lot together, and finally get to focus on building their new life together, but as AJ begins to feel safe and comfortable, they start to learn more about themself, including some painful truths. In the midst of all this, old flames, past abusers, and estranged family members threaten to cause even more wrinkles in AJ and Ezra's life.
Relationships: Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Magpie Universe [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2011000
Comments: 205
Kudos: 105





	1. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains explicit sexual content, dissociation, negative self-talk.

"Do you really have to go?" 

"Yes, I do," Ezra chuckled, gently brushing AJ's arms from around his waist and grabbing his bag. AJ whined and tried to take his hand, but Ezra was already turning and pulling them into a quick kiss. 

"Come on, beautiful. I'll be back by five, I promise," he murmured, savouring the feeling of their lips on his. "Now, be careful of your ankle, I know the boot is off now, but you still have to treat it delicately. Keep the door locked except for when Mrs. Tracy comes round, and call me if you're worried about anything, okay? I'm gonna check in on you as often as I can." 

AJ nodded, pouting a little as Ezra opened the door and glanced back at them, his heart aching with the knowledge that he'd much rather just curl up in bed with them where he could touch them whenever he wanted and ensure they were still there and still okay. He heaved a sigh, pulled them into one last kiss, and forced himself out of the door, reminding himself as it clicked shut behind him that he needed to work, otherwise he wasn't going to make rent. 

As Ezra left the building, he glanced behind himself nervously, but swallowed and kept walking, feeling a little sick as he jammed his ear buds into his ears. He picked AJ's favourite relaxing playlist and started it running, tucking his phone into his pocket as he walked. Luckily, his new job at a coffee shop wasn't too difficult to get to; only a five minute walk followed by a ten minute bus ride, but it felt much, much longer. Every step further from AJ, further from being able to protect them, wrenched in his chest, and he had to stop himself from turning and just running all the way home several times. He could only hope it would get easier, but he wasn't sure it would. 

Eventually, he reached the shop and pushed the door open, smiling nervously as a woman with a manager badge hurried over. She had long dark hair done up in a neat ponytail, and eye-catching thick winged eyeliner with a touch of purple eyeshadow. To Ezra's mind, she looked quite young to be a manager, but he supposed she was probably around his age. 

"Hey! It's Ezra, right? Welcome to your first day! I'm Melanie, your manager today. Did you get the recipe cards and your uniform and everything okay?" 

"Yep, I was up really late last night memorising," Ezra admitted with a shy smile, unzipping his hoodie and slipping it off his shoulders to reveal his uniform t-shirt and the name badge he'd been given along with the recipe cards. The thought of his night reminded him of AJ swatting his leg with the cards and whining that they wanted to sleep, and he had to resist the urge to take his phone out and call them then and there to make sure they were okay. 

"That's great! I know you've been shown where everything is during your orientation, but I'll just show you again and introduce you to everyone, okay?" 

Ezra nodded, forcing himself out of his distractions and back into the moment. He allowed Melanie to show him around again, and smiled shyly when he was introduced to his new coworkers. He did his best, but he wasn't great at names even when he wasn't constantly worrying about his partner, and he knew it would take some practice to actually learn everyone's names. 

Pretty much as soon as he got started, however, things began to get busy. The line began to back up, more and more people waiting, and orders coming through. To Ezra's dismay and acute embarrassment, he was struggling a lot more than he'd expected with the recipes he was supposed to have memorised, and he had to keep looking them up, which was slowing him down. His coworkers were lovely and friendly, trying to help him through it, but by about half an hour in - although it felt more like three hours - Ezra's hands were shaking dangerously, and he knew he was on the verge of tears. Melanie walked up beside him and took the cup from his hand, checking it over carefully. 

"Okay, you're doing fine," she soothed, flashing him a sympathetic smile. "Take a deep breath. Start with the milk for this one, okay? You can finish this one and then go do some dishwashing and prep. As soon as things calm down a bit, I'll come fetch you and we'll do some practice orders, alright?" 

Ezra felt his cheeks on fire with shame, but nodded slightly anyway. "Thank you," he mumbled, and Melanie patted his shoulder kindly.

"Don't feel bad, okay? It's hard to learn all the recipes, you're doing well so far," she assured him, and he managed a small smile. 

"Thanks." 

Once Ezra had finished the drink, he headed into the back room, feeling more than a little relieved. He was used to working under pressure, but he was also used to knowing every recipe, where everything was, how much everything cost, let alone anything as fancy as latte art. This was all completely new, and was coming at a time of incredibly high anxiety. 

Besides, the espresso machines had been making him feel hot, and it had turned into a vicious cycle of the heat making him stressed, which only made him feel hotter. Ezra sighed and turned the tap on, glancing at the stack of dirty mugs and plates. At least he couldn't mess up washing dishes. 

Once all the dishes were done, Melanie steered Ezra towards some prep tasks, and kept him in the back to wash any new dishes that came in. He didn't mind, exactly, but he did still feel a bit embarrassed about the start of his shift, and he was relieved to get the chance to redeem himself a couple of hours later when one of his coworkers came into the back and told him to go talk to Melanie. 

"Hey," she smiled as he walked up, and he managed a small smile in return, then groaned softly when she held up the recipe book with a grin. "Come on, Ezra! You can do it," she chuckled, flipping the pages and selecting one at random. "Caramel macchiato. If you need help, or you need me to show you something, just ask, okay? I don't expect you to know them all off by heart just yet. It's all just remembering the ratios. The rest is muscle memory, and you only get that with practice." 

Ezra nodded nervously, taking a small cup from the dispenser. "It's the same with bartending. Milk before coffee, right?" 

"Yep, but not first," Melanie smiled, and Ezra took a sharpie, allowing himself a few moments to think as he scribbled the shorthand on the cup. At least he'd learned that the night before. 

Biting his lip, Ezra got started, putting syrup in the cup first, then frothing the milk and adding it. Melanie smiled at him, so he made the espresso and tipped it into the cup, regaining some of his confidence as he topped it all off with caramel sauce and then a lid. 

"Yes! Good job, Ezra," she grinned, glancing around as a customer walked up. "Okay, you can take this one, okay? I'll help if you need." 

Ezra nodded, the nerves coming back as he waited for the cup to be passed down to him. He took it and read the shorthand, and Melanie prompted him gently. 

"Medium white chocolate mocha," he read out quickly, and she nodded. 

"Perfect! Do you know this one?" 

"Add the espresso to the sauce, then the milk, and top with whipped cream. And...drizzle?" Ezra said slowly, a questioning tone to his voice, and Melanie nodded enthusiastically. 

"Almost! Mochas don't have drizzle, hot chocolates do, but perfect otherwise. Show me.." 

Ezra made the drink slowly, glancing at Melanie for approval after every step and finally adding the cream. He served it up with a proud smile and the customer thanked him, making him briefly feel as if he was on cloud nine before Melanie nudged him and handed him the next cup. 

By the time Ezra's shift was over, he was exhausted. While the shop had been quiet, Melanie had kept him working on drinks orders and practicing, but had sent him to the back when it got busy again. He'd managed to talk to a few of his coworkers a bit as well, and although it was hard work, he'd found that he enjoyed himself more than he'd expected. 

He bought himself a sandwich from the slightly cheaper shop a few doors down and ate it on the walk to the bus stop. As soon as he was on the bus to his internship, he called AJ, tapping his foot nervously while he waited for them to pick up. 

"Hey, angel," AJ hummed after the third agonising ring, and Ezra sagged in his seat, relief pouring through him. 

"Hey, beautiful. How are you doing, love?" 

"A bit lonely," AJ answered softly, their voice so comforting and familiar that Ezra wished he could just listen to it all day. "But I think Mrs. Tracy is coming around soon, she said early afternoon." 

"Good, did you take a nap?" Ezra murmured, dragging his hand down his face as he tried to banish the thought of curling up beside AJ and falling asleep. It was only halfway through his day and he already needed a good nap. 

"Yeah, for a bit," AJ mumbled, stifling a yawn. "I miss you. How's your day so far?" 

"I miss you too, my love," Ezra sighed, looking down at his lap. "My day is okay. Tiring, a bit embarrassing. I didn't memorise those recipes very well, but that's okay, I guess. I'll get there." 

"I'm sure you will, angel," AJ soothed, and Ezra couldn't help but smile, glancing out of the window to check where he was. 

"Are you feeling okay? Scared or anything?" 

"No, I'm fine. Just really tired. I'm struggling to find the energy to do anything, but I'll be okay," they sighed, sounding rather bored and fed up. "I just can't wait for you to get home so I can give you a big kiss." 

"I can't wait either, sweetheart," Ezra murmured, smiling to himself at the thought. "Maybe we can watch some tv or a movie or something tonight. I'd love to just snuggle up with you, my magpie."

"Mmm, that sounds lovely," AJ purred, just as the bus pulled up to Ezra's stop and he had to hurry off, thanking the driver on his way. 

"Look, I'm at my internship, so I'll have to let you go, sweetheart, but I'll check in on you in a bit, alright?" Ezra announced, wincing slightly at a burst of pain in his leg. "I love you." 

"I love you too. Have a good time, my sweet little paper nerd," AJ chuckled softly, and Ezra rolled his eyes fondly. 

"Alright. Bye, sweetheart."

"Bye," AJ answered happily, and the line went dead. 

Ezra spent his entire shift worrying. 

Although his work took a lot of concentration, he didn't have the same amount of supervision at his internship as he had at his new job, and it was easier to drift off into his thoughts. He kept his phone on the desk beside him, but even so, he couldn't stop himself from checking it every ten minutes to make sure he hadn't missed a text or call from AJ.

Thanks to his continuous anxiety, when Ezra left to head home, he was completely and utterly exhausted, dragging himself onto the bus and flopping down into a seat. He texted AJ to let them know he was on his way home and sighed as he closed his eyes, his head tipping back. His whole body ached, as he wasn't used to spending all day working anymore, and he couldn't wait to sink into a nice hot bath or lay down and cuddle up with his partner. 

Ezra jumped when his phone vibrated, snatching it up quickly and relaxing when he read the text.

_Magpie, 17:13_

_You said you'd be back by five! You're going to get a right scolding when you get home! ;) I can't wait to see you, angel ♡_

Rolling his eyes fondly, Ezra slipped his phone away and let out a soft sigh, then looked out of the window and tried not to let his leg bounce impatiently. 

As soon as the bus pulled up at his stop, however, Ezra was hurrying off it, jogging a few steps excitedly and humming to himself as he walked. It only took him five minutes to get to his building, and then he was unlocking the flat door. Hurried footsteps made him look up, but AJ was already crashing into him, giggling as they wrapped their arms around his neck and kissed his cheeks. 

"I missed you! I've been waiting for you!" AJ grinned, and Ezra chuckled, wrapping his arms around their waist and pulling them into a brief kiss.

"Hey, beautiful. How have you been?" 

"Mm, fine. Bored, but I did some cleaning and stuff," AJ murmured, leaning into him and letting out a heavy sigh as they buried their face in his hair. "I love you. You'd better be ready to cuddle me." 

"Mm, of course I am," Ezra hummed, kissing the side of their head before gently starting to push them away. "Let me just put my bag down and shut the door. Is Anathema in?" 

"No, she said she was staying at uni until late, she came back to pick up some work stuff," AJ answered, taking his hand as soon as he'd set his stuff down and gently pulling him towards the bedroom. 

"Come on, please?" 

"I'm coming!" Ezra laughed, and AJ pouted at him, their adorable face completely irresistible. "You really did miss me, huh?" He smiled as they led him into the bedroom, shutting the door behind them and pulling him into a brief kiss. 

"Mm, of course I did," AJ mumbled, and Ezra sighed, slipping his hoodie off and sitting down on the edge of the bed. 

"Oh God," he groaned softly, starting to unbutton his jeans and wriggle them off his hips. "You have no idea how good sitting down on my own bed feels," he gasped, dragging his jeans all the way down to his mid thighs before AJ knelt down in front of him slowly, gently brushing his hands away. 

"Tell me, angel," they urged simply, and Ezra sighed heavily, letting them work his trousers all the way off his thighs and over his knees, being gentle around his prosthesis. 

"Everywhere aches," he muttered, stroking their hair lightly and toying with the beautiful red curls, fingers tangling briefly. "Especially my hips and thighs, I just...I'm not used to working all day anymore, y'know? God, you're the best partner I could ask for," he added as they clicked the valve on his prosthesis expertly. 

AJ chuckled quietly and kissed his knee, their eyes lifting to his without their head moving, looking through their eyelashes at him in a way that made him want to pin them to the bed and kiss them until neither of them could breathe. 

"Just like you deserve," AJ said simply, slipping the socket free from Ezra's leg and setting the prosthesis aside before gently removing his sleeves. "Better?" They murmured, and Ezra chuckled, nodding slightly as he wriggled his legs in the comparatively cool air of the bedroom. 

"You have no idea how much," he hummed, reaching for the moisturiser just as AJ snatched it off the bedside table, unscrewing the lid in one smooth, practiced movement. Ezra's jaw relaxed and he watched in exhausted fascination as AJ scooped up a healthy amount of the thick white cream and smeared it over his residual limb. 

"God, that feels good," he muttered, and AJ smiled to themself, using both hands to smooth it over his skin and beginning to rub a little more firmly. Unable to help himself, Ezra let out a soft little moan, and AJ looked up at him, still massaging his skin as they raised an eyebrow critically. 

"Have you been skipping your PT while I was in hospital?" They challenged, and Ezra sighed, nodding ever so slightly. 

"Just a few sessions here and there," he mumbled, but AJ was already rolling their eyes, running their hands a bit higher. 

"I can tell. Where're the worst bits, angel?" 

Sighing, Ezra gestured vaguely to his thighs. "Here and my hips," he answered bluntly, feeling rather chastised. "But I think my hips are more of a PT job than just massage." 

AJ kissed his knee again, their hands gently pressing on either side of the joint, rubbing his skin lightly to help his blood flow. "Mm, okay. I'll just do your thighs for now," they said softly, their voice once again loving and gentle instead of sharp and accusing. Ezra relaxed slightly and felt their lips on the inside of his thigh, just an inch or so up from his knee. 

"I've got you," AJ murmured, almost absentmindedly, and Ezra smiled to himself, leaning back and bracing his hands behind him to prop himself up. 

"I love you, y'know," he sighed happily, letting his eyes slip closed as AJ smoothed more moisturiser over his skin and began to work at his thigh, rubbing with the heels of their hands to get the knots out. 

"I know," they teased softly, and Ezra chuckled, opening his eyes again when AJ gently guided his legs further open. Their lips found the inside of his thigh, about mid-way up, but their eyes were fixed on his underwear. Ezra swallowed, suddenly uncertain, but AJ was already reaching out and rubbing the insides of his thighs, right up in the crease where his legs met his groin. He couldn't help but let out a soft little moan at the feeling, his tired muscles rather enjoying the way their hands worked over his skin. Their fingers trailed up to his hips and wrapped under the waistband of his underwear, beginning to pull down slowly. 

"May I?" AJ purred, in the most seductive tone Ezra had ever heard. He shuddered, his heart pounding in his chest as he looked down into those beautiful golden eyes and nodded slightly. 

"As long as you're sure you want to. You're not obliged to do anything, sweetheart," he murmured, and AJ nodded, helping him out of his underwear and pulling it down and off slowly before shifting closer to him. 

"I know, angel. I want to make you feel good," they said simply, gently guiding him to sit closer to the edge, his legs further apart. "There. You comfy?" 

Once again, Ezra looked into gold and felt his heart soften, his arousal at the feeling of cool air and AJ's gaze on his most sensitive area no match for his fierce, tender love for them. "I'm very comfortable, sweetheart. You're perfect, my love," he smiled softly, leaning down to kiss them. AJ smiled into it, kissing back happily and then breaking away and running their hands up the inside of Ezra's thighs. 

"Are you gonna be good for me, angel?" They grinned, and Ezra almost moaned, nodding emphatically as AJ shifted closer to him, beginning to massage his thigh again, but this time puckering their lips and blowing warm air over Ezra. He gasped softly and shuddered, his eyelids fluttering closed at the unfamiliar, but pleasurable sensation. He could feel himself beginning to get wet, his whole body desperate for more sensation. 

While AJ had been in hospital, Ezra hadn't had much time to consider his own body, but since AJ had gotten home, he'd started to think about himself again, and had had to get a bit creative about sneaking in 'alone time.' He'd only managed it a couple of times, and he was feeling more than a little pent-up, he had to admit. So, when AJ's hands slid a little higher, he couldn't swallow the moan in time, and he just had to be glad Anathema wasn't home. 

"Ooh, you like that, hmm?" AJ purred, and Ezra nodded shakily, spreading his legs a little more and whining softly when AJ began to rub higher, right over that sensitive little crease where his legs met his hips. 

"AJ...ohh, that feels so good," he mumbled, and they smiled, stroking up and down his thighs as they leaned in slowly, kissing up his skin. Ezra bit the inside of his cheek, trembling in anticipation, his breath a little heavy. 

"Is this okay?" AJ purred softly, once again blowing air over Ezra's hardening cock. 

He shuddered and moaned, his legs opening even further without the need for actual thought. 

"Oh God, yes! Please, sweetheart!" He gasped, and AJ gave a quiet hum in the back of their throat before leaning in. Ezra's eyes rolled back in his head as those perfect warm lips closed around his cock, his whole body shuddering as pleasure burst in every cell he had. "AJ! Fuck, that's good!" He cried out, and AJ hummed again happily, their tongue swirling around his sensitive tip. Moaning loudly at the feeling, Ezra let his hand find AJ's hair, not pushing or guiding them, but simply laying it there as his other gripped onto the edge of the mattress, his hips rocking instinctively into AJ. 

Pleasure was rolling through him in waves, every little expert movement of AJ's tongue making him shudder, the way their cheeks hollowed as they sucked lightly causing him to moan softly at the simple, obscene sexuality of it all. Ezra whimpered when AJ began to bob their head, their perfect, soft lips sliding up and down his short shaft, their tongue flicking occasionally. And then their fingers joined the party. 

As soon as Ezra felt AJ gently teasing at his entrance, he was already moaning uncontrollably, gasping out unintelligible encouragements and parting his legs as wide as he possibly could. AJ responded by dragging the flat of their tongue over Ezra's tip, causing him to cry out just as they plunged two fingers into him. Ezra melted, his fingers curling in AJ's hair, his whole body shuddering as intense pleasure washed through him. 

"A-Ahh! Fuck! Sweetheart, I'm so close!" He gasped out, and AJ hummed acknowledgement, curling their fingers and beginning to rub against Ezra's sweet spot as their tongue worked over him. Ezra squealed out and came, accidentally pressing AJ's head closer to him as he finished. AJ didn't seem to mind, smiling around him as they gently pushed their fingers deeper, their tongue swirling slowly to pleasure him through his orgasm. 

Ezra rocked his hips a couple of times, then went still, stroking AJ's hair as they slipped their fingers from him and lapped over him happily, purring as they cleaned his folds. "Thank you so much, my beautiful magpie," Ezra murmured, sighing heavily as AJ finally sat back, smiling up at him triumphantly. 

"You needed that, huh?" 

Ezra chuckled softly, his cheeks flushing even darker as he nodded. "I have been a bit pent up, I have to admit. But that was amazing, my love," he murmured, his fingers curling under AJ's chin. 

"Come here so I can kiss you." 

AJ giggled and did as they were told, getting up slowly and leaning down to kiss Ezra softly. He parted his lips slightly and AJ followed his lead, almost making Ezra moan at the sheer skill of their kisses. 

His arm slipped around AJ's waist, and he grinned against their lips, giving a gentle tug. 

"Come on, come lay down," he urged softly, and AJ nodded slightly, climbing onto the bed and laying back with their head on the pillow. Ezra leaned over them slowly, smiling down at them and brushing their hair away from their face so he could see those beautiful eyes more clearly. 

AJ blushed and reached up, resting their hand on his cheek and running their thumb under his eye as they just gazed up at him lovingly. After taking just a brief moment to savour the sight, Ezra dove in, his lips fitting with AJ's perfectly, the kiss slow and loving as his hands ran up under AJ's loose hoodie. His fingertips skimmed over their bare stomach and they smiled into the kiss, a little shudder running through their body. Their fingers began to tangle in Ezra's soft curls, and he led the kiss deeper and faster, his fingers rubbing at the base of AJ's ribcage, caressing the sensitive skin there. They let out a tiny moan and Ezra chuckled, quickly leaning back and gently helping them tug the hoodie off. 

AJ giggled shyly, trying to cross their arms over their chest, but Ezra gently pulled their hands away, pinning them by their sides so he could take in the sight of their beautiful body. They'd lost a decent amount of muscle thanks to their eight weeks in hospital, although they had gained a little extra softness around the stomach. Scars adorned their chest, and one of their nipples was barely there, having been ripped so savagely by Gabriel removing their piercing. But all Ezra could think was how breathtakingly perfect they were, how touchable and beautiful and sexy. He wanted to shower them with affection and make them feel the way he saw them - stunning. 

Smiling up at him as he studied them, AJ ran their fingers through his hair again, then tugged him down, their legs parting easily as he slid his knee between them. Ezra rocked and they moaned quietly, dragging him deeper into the kiss, moving more desperately. Grinning to himself, he let his lips slide from theirs, kissing over their cheek, then down to their jaw and mouthing at their neck. He loved the opportunity to lavish attention on his partner, and took it eagerly, delighting in the soft sounds AJ made, their breath catching at the feel of his lips on their skin. A little lower and he was kissing over their collarbone, then their intact nipple, his fingers brushing over their ribs on the other side of their chest. 

His tongue swirled, catching on their piercing, and AJ whimpered, their hand falling into his hair as his fingers moved down to stroke up the inside of their thigh. AJ shivered, but didn't seem to react, and Ezra frowned, pushing himself back away from them slightly so he could see their face. 

"AJ? Sweetheart, are you okay?" 

They'd closed their eyes, and didn't seem about to open them at the sound of his voice. 

"Magpie, are you alright?" Ezra said hurriedly, cold, heavy anxiety sinking into his stomach as he quickly moved away from AJ. "Sweetheart?" 

AJ's eyelids fluttered open slowly and they slid their arms around themself sluggishly, golden eyes blank as they stared at the ceiling. As Ezra watched in horror, they dug their nails into their ribs, their skin pulling and going white around their fingertips. He reached out to grab their hands and thought better of it, guilt choking him as he picked up the stuffed bear he'd taken to them in hospital and rested it on their chest. After a moment, their fingers uncurled, their arms slowly wrapping around the bear as Ezra sighed. He grabbed a clean pair of underwear and tugged them on, then changed into a more comfortable shirt and laid down beside AJ, giving them plenty of space. 

They'd closed their eyes again, but they seemed to be relaxing more, their grip on the bear beginning to loosen, so Ezra took a chance and moved a little closer to them. 

"I'm here, sweetheart. I'm sorry if I scared you, my love, but I'm right here with you, okay? You're safe, I promise," he murmured, then pulled a blanket over AJ, careful not to touch them as he covered their body. They shifted slightly, turning their head towards him and opening their eyes at last, focusing on him slowly. 

"Hey," Ezra murmured, swallowing his guilt and trying to ignore the sick feeling in his stomach to concentrate on making AJ feel better. "Are you alright?" 

AJ nodded, then moved closer to him. Tentatively, Ezra reached out slowly enough to give them time to push him away, his hand coming to rest on their blanket-covered shoulder. "I'm right here," he murmured, taking a deep breath and forcing himself not to start apologising. He didn't want to overwhelm them yet, not while they were struggling so much. 

AJ gave a soft sigh and slowly started to move, setting the bear aside and pressing themself into Ezra's chest. He closed his eyes, a rush of relief making his nose sting with tears, his arms wrapping around them hurriedly. Still moving at a snail's pace, AJ nuzzled against Ezra's neck, their own arm snaking around his waist shakily. 

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry," Ezra sighed softly, just holding them loosely and letting them cling to him for comfort. "I've got you, though, I promise. I'll just wait here with you until you're ready to talk." 

AJ nodded again, giving Ezra a little squeeze, and he let out a slow breath, relaxing into the quiet moment. He still felt guilty and worried, but at least AJ seemed like they were recovering already. After a few more minutes of silence, AJ nuzzled at Ezra's neck again, their lips finding his jaw before they began to pull away carefully. 

A little reluctant, Ezra let them go, smiling at them sadly as they laid their head on the pillow a few inches away from him so they could talk face to face. To his horror, AJ returned the shaky smile, their eyes already filling with tears. 

"I'm sorry," they whispered, but Ezra was already stroking their cheek, the backs of his fingers running over their soft skin. 

"Shhh, sweetheart. You didn't do anything wrong, I promise. I love you, very much. There's nothing to be sorry for," he said quickly, but gently, and AJ blinked, the tears spilling down their cheeks. Sniffling a bit, Ezra wiped them away and forced another smile. "It's my fault," he mumbled, and AJ sighed, more tears following the first round as they looked away. 

"It's not, I...I just-" they began, but were cut off by a soft sob, which made Ezra wince. 

"Hey, hey, don't cry, beautiful. Everything's okay," he murmured, trying to smile and failing as he shifted closer to his partner. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, this is all my fault, I just...I got carried away and I thought you-" 

"I'm the one who should be s-sorry!" AJ gasped out in between sobs, and Ezra blinked, taken aback, but they went on before he could gather himself enough to reply. "Y-you give me all this," they choked out, gesturing to the room itself. "You t-take care of me and let me l-live here for free, a-and I can't even repay you! I-I'm so _stupid!"_

Ezra stared at his sobbing partner, starting to feel sick as he realised what had happened. "Jesus, AJ," he mumbled, moving closer to them again and gently wrapping his arms around them. "Don't...you're not stupid, you're traumatised," he sighed, rubbing up and down their back as he struggled to keep calm. AJ grabbed at him desperately, sobbing into his chest as their fingers tangled in his shirt and dug into his side desperately. "Shhh, I've got you," he murmured, feeling like he wasn't quite as connected to his body as he usually was. "AJ, please," he begged softly, not really sure what for. "Please, my love, you...you don't need to repay me. You repay me every moment I get to be with you, every smile, every night you sleep safe beside me. All I want is for you to be safe and happy," he went on shakily, AJ's sobs trailing off into sniffs as they listened, their face still buried in his shirt. "You don't owe me anything, you never have and never will. I do things for you because I love you and I want you to be okay. Having you here is amazing, I love waking up with you there every morning, I love getting to kiss you whenever I like and hug you whenever you need a hug. I don't need sex, okay? It'll never be as important to me as your safety or happiness. If you end up deciding that you never want to have sex again, I'll still want to be with you, because I love you for you, not because of sex," Ezra said slowly, having to swallow back tears at the end, his hands trembling slightly as he hugged AJ tight against his chest, his grip protective and loving. "I just want to be a good, supportive partner, and I want you to be happy. That's it," Ezra finished quietly, and AJ pulled away just enough to drag him into a deep, slow, passionate kiss, their fingers immediately tangling in his hair. Ezra froze for just a split second in surprise, and then followed AJ's lead, easily melting into the kiss until they broke away as suddenly as they'd pulled him in.

They stared at him for a second, golden eyes wide and wet, then smiled softly, their cheeks flushed. "That's the most romantic and sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me." 

Ezra smiled sadly and kissed them again, just a brief little peck. "Well, it's true." 

"I know," AJ answered quietly, sniffling and wiping their eyes. "I'm sorry for getting so upset, I just...I feel like, at the moment...I'm really struggling," they admitted, and Ezra reached out to rest his hand on their cheek again, his thumb running under their eye over and over. "I love you, and I'm attracted to you, but.." AJ sighed and trailed off, looking away and taking a few deep breaths. "It's not easy for me to tell the difference between my actual attraction to you, and my...my tendency to try to solve things with sex. I just...everything is so muddled up for me, because I've never had just...sex for the sake of having sex, or sex as intimacy. I...I just try to give you sex because...I feel like I don't have anything else," AJ finished quietly, not quite looking at Ezra. He laid in stunned silence for a second, then pulled AJ back into his arms hurriedly, squeezing them tightly. 

"Oh, sweetheart! You have so much else to give, I promise you," he said quickly, and AJ hugged back tightly, burying their face in his neck. "And you really, really don't have to give me anything. We're in a relationship, it doesn't have to be transactional anymore. But it's okay that it's going to take time for you to get used to it. That's natural. I just want you to know that you're talented and special and intelligent and sweet and kind, and...God, you have so much to offer, my love. You're good at plenty of other things, it's just going to take some time to unlock those." 

AJ nodded slightly, squeezing Ezra tighter and pressing closer to him, their legs tangling with his. "I love you," they mumbled, their voice muffled, but full of emotion. Ezra smiled to himself and felt them break away slightly, just enough to talk without mumbling. 

"I'm scared I'll never figure things out," AJ admitted quietly, and Ezra nodded, rubbing the middle of their back lightly. 

"I understand, and that's a natural fear to have. But I'll be right here with you, okay? We'll work things out together. I'll check in with you more often when we're doing stuff, we can explore safely, and I'll help you with finding other stuff you're good at too. Okay?" 

AJ nodded, nuzzling against him once more and relaxing, just leaning into the cuddle and enjoying the moment. Ezra smiled to himself, then squeezed them again. 

"Y'know, you can talk to me about anything, magpie," he murmured, stroking their hair slowly as they pressed a loving kiss to his neck. "I know I've been a bit tired and all, but I'm always here to talk to you. I love you, you're my partner, and I want to help you with anything you struggle with. I promise." 

"I know," AJ said simply, gently starting to disentangle from him. "I love you too, and it goes both ways," they added firmly, giving him a quick kiss. "You can talk to me about anything you need."

"Hmm, okay," Ezra purred, pulling them back in for a slightly longer kiss. "I'd like to talk about what you did today. How was your day, my love?" 

AJ smiled softly and laid their head back on the pillow comfortably, taking one of his hands and playing with his fingers lightly. "It was good, I didn't do much. I tried to read, but I found concentrating really hard, so I went through all my old social media and deleted them to set up new ones. I don't want anything tying me back to sex work, y'know?" 

Ezra nodded, smiling back at his partner as he just listened to them talk, loving the sound of their voice and cherishing the fact that he still got to hear it, even after everything that had happened. "That sounds like a good idea, sweetheart." 

"Mhm," AJ hummed happily, shifting a little closer to him and reaching up to slide their long fingers into his hair. "I set up new accounts, too, and I had tea with Mrs. Tracy after lunch. I did some cleaning, too, just around the house." 

"You don't have to clean," Ezra said quickly, but AJ was already chuckling softly, tugging him into a brief little kiss. 

"I know, I know! But I knew you were going to be tired this evening and I wanted you to come home to a nice clean flat, y'know? It's nice." 

Ezra sighed and gave them a jokingly suspicious look. "Alright, but I'm keeping an eye on you." 

Giggling, AJ simply rolled their eyes and kissed him again, unable to keep away for long. "Mm, okay. I'm gonna do my nails tomorrow," they announced, and Ezra smiled, propping himself up with one elbow and stroking his hand over their bare chest. 

"Yeah? Good, it'll be nice seeing you back to yourself again," he murmured, fixing their hair gently before giving them a little nudge. "Come on, let's go make dinner." 

AJ pouted, but didn't argue, following Ezra's lead as he got up. They tugged on a hoodie while he donned his prosthesis, and then they were wandering out of the bedroom together, and into the rest of their evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!   
> The first chapter of Aderyn, as promised! This will probably be really slow to be updated, as I'm going to focus more on You Gotta Keep the Devil for now, but I wanted to get this up for you now, before I forget!   
> Also, I wanted to share some art I got commissioned by the wonderful Lonicera, but I cannot be bothered to fiddle with the image insert mechanism again, so I'm putting the link here for you all! I really like it, it's a beautiful depiction of these two and I really like the softness of it <3  
> https://twitter.com/southdownsraph/status/1326621557318410240?s=20  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know what you thought!


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains explicit sexual content.

_ AJ was laying on their stomach, reading a book propped up on the pillow. It was hot, too hot for them to bother with clothes, their body laid out on the bed with a sheet tossed over their legs and hips. The door clicked, but they didn't look up, just turning a page and humming to themself idly.  _

_ They could hear Ezra moving around in the room, but they didn't think much of it, not until he climbed onto the bed behind them. Sighing, AJ tucked their bookmark into their book and set it aside, then smiled to themself as they felt his hands on their lower back. His lips touched their skin, a soft purr coming from behind them as he pulled the sheet away from them all in one go.  _

_ "My beautiful little bird," he murmured, and AJ's smile widened, his hands running up their sides, his lips slowly kissing a line up their spine.  _

_ "My angel," they replied simply, and Ezra gave a quiet chuckle, leaning over them and letting his body press to theirs, nuzzling the back of their jaw as his hard length pressed against their backside. AJ giggled shyly and rocked their hips back, whining when Ezra shifted, slipping between their cheeks.  _

_ "I love you," he murmured, and AJ dropped their head back to the pillow, letting out a happy sigh. _

_ "I love you too," they answered, and Ezra shifted his hips, pressing against them and pausing.  _

_ "Tell me what you want," he murmured in their ear, his voice low and sending a delighted shudder down AJ's spine.  _

_ "I want you, Ezra. Please," they whimpered, and he nuzzled their neck, then pushed forward.  _

_ AJ cried out happily as he sank into them, their body seeming to let him in eagerly, their eyelids fluttering shut as he pressed in slowly, moaning quietly above them.  _

_ "Mmm, my sweetheart. You feel so good," he mumbled, and AJ groaned softly, feeling his length sliding deeper, bit by bit, filling them up until they felt they truly couldn't take any more.  _

_ They could feel their own length against the bed, already throbbing for attention, pinned against the mattress as Ezra finally finished moving, buried up to the hilt.  _

_ "Look at that, what a good little bird. I'm gonna make you feel so good," he purred, then leaned back slightly and pulled their head back by their hair, their mouth dropping open and their eyes slipping closed as they let go and relaxed into the feeling of submission.  _

_ "Are you ready to be  _ fucked _ , love?" Ezra chuckled, his voice deeper than usual as he rocked his hips ever so slightly.  _

_ "Ahh! P-please!" AJ choked out hurriedly, desperately, just before Ezra snapped his hips and they squealed in pleasure.  _

_ His hands moved to their hips, dragging them up before pinning their shoulders down with one hand, the other grabbing at their hair to press their face into the mattress. AJ moaned into the sheets, their mind already completely lost in the pleasure as Ezra absolutely railed them, slamming in and out with heavy grunts, both of their bodies already shiny and slick with sweat. He seemed to instinctively know where all their best spots were, aiming straight for them and hitting them on every thrust deep inside them, and AJ melted. In no time at all, Ezra reduced them to a puddle of need, their whole body crying out for more. They tried to beg incoherently, but the message they were attempting to convey didn't need words at all.  _

_ Ezra moaned to the room at large and bucked his hips, thrusting harder again, somehow doubling his pace. Fingers and toes curled and AJ gasped and whimpered, too far gone even to moan as they shuddered underneath their partner.  _

_ "F-fuck! So good!" Ezra gasped out, fingers curling tighter in their hair as he bucked right into their prostate and made them squeal again. "I'm g-gonna-"  _

_ He grunted and moaned, leaning over AJ as he slammed in one last time, his face buried in their back, between their shoulders. His hips rocked and they felt the warmth inside them just as he slipped out of them accidentally. AJ whimpered happily, feeling his cum spilling from them and staining the sheets as they basked in the moment.  _

A familiar ringtone cut through the dream, slicing it to ribbons with its irritating, chirpy cheerfulness that made AJ - rather grumpy from having their blissful nap disturbed - want to throw their phone against the wall. They silenced the alarm and sighed, staring up at the ceiling for a moment while their senses came back to them and they slowly realised that they were in bed in their underwear and completely, utterly rock hard. 

AJ groaned and rolled onto their back, closing their eyes. They tried to figure out what to do, but the intensity of their arousal was making it difficult to think of anything else. Their underwear was rubbing against their sensitive skin with every breath, making them shudder and bite their lip. Slowly, they trailed their hand down their body, brushing their fingertips over themself through their underwear. The burst of pleasure made them clench their teeth, their eyelids fluttering as they swallowed the moan. Biting their lip, they finally gave in and reached over to the bedside table. AJ grabbed Ezra's moisturiser and scooped out a small amount, then slipped their hand into their underwear and wrapped their fingers around their aching length. They whimpered at the feeling, already half-gone, and clenched their jaw as they closed their eyes and thought back to their dream. They allowed themself to remember the feeling of Ezra on top of them, inside them, the way he'd fucked them so fast and heavy, every thrust like a miniature orgasm. Their spare hand slid down behind their balls, pressing against their piercings and rubbing hard, making their breath hitch, their eyes rolling back. 

A few more strokes, and AJ was gone, the memory of the dream and their intense need helping them over the edge as they spilled into their underwear. AJ stroked a few more times, making sure they were completely spent, then sighed and got up hurriedly. 

AJ grabbed their bathrobe and slipped it on, then hurried down the hall, washing their hands as soon as the bathroom door was closed behind them. Disgusted with themself, they stripped their underwear off and briefly considered just throwing them away so they didn't have to touch their own cum again, but sighed and set them aside to go straight into the washing machine. Then they shed the robe and turned the shower on, quickly stepping under the spray and grabbing the soap. They washed themself off thoroughly, then sighed and slowly sank down to sit on the floor, hugging their knees to their chest and just feeling the water sliding over their skin. 

The confusion curling in their chest was almost painful, and they quickly pulled their legs closer to themself, resting their forehead on their knees as they tried to sort through their mixed emotions. They couldn't believe that they'd masturbated to the thought of Ezra. It felt like a violation of his privacy, even though they were together, and they felt a little sick, self-hatred rising in their throat. It didn't help that they hated masturbating. It had always made them feel gross, even before Gabriel had gotten them to make videos for him, and now, with all their trauma around reaching orgasm, it was a huge trigger for their loathing of themself to come back in full force. 

Not only that, but they'd cum to the thought of Ezra  _ with a penis.  _ The dream had been a little vague in places, but him cumming inside them had not, and it made AJ shudder with disgust at their own mind. They loved Ezra, they loved his body, but they were scared that, deep down, maybe they were too fucked up to be satisfied without a cock inside them. AJ dragged their fingers through their wet hair, squeezing their eyes shut at the realisation that Ezra had been fairly rough with them in the dream. He hadn't been mean, and he'd prompted them for consent, but the way he'd fucked them had felt more like a client than their limited experience with Ezra himself. Once again, AJ wondered if the fact that they were so used to being fucked might possibly ruin their ability to have satisfying, enjoyable sex with their partner. 

It wasn't a good feeling. It made AJ feel breathless and shaky, and that little voice was back - the little voice in their head that told them they were worthless and useless and stupid and that they never should have believed that they could have a proper relationship. 

After a while, the water began to run cold, so AJ finished washing hurriedly, then slipped out of the shower and dried themself off. Once they were back in Ezra's room and dressed in a pair of sweatpants and one of his massive, comforting hoodies, AJ just sat down on the bed and stared at the floor, hugging themself tightly.

They desperately wanted to call him for some comfort, a reminder that he loved them and that everything would be okay, but they knew he would be at his internship by now, and if they called him out of the blue, he would have a heart attack. That left Mrs. Tracy. 

AJ sighed to themself and got up, slipping on some socks and grabbing their shoes. They took the spare key for the flat with them and slipped across the hall, knocking on Mrs. Tracy's door lightly. 

"Hold on a moment!" 

AJ shifted from foot to foot, waiting anxiously until the door opened just a few moments later and Mrs. Tracy smiled at them brightly. 

"Hello, darling, is everything alright?" 

AJ stared at her for a moment, then sighed and looked down at their feet. "I...I'm not really sure." 

"Well, come in, and I'll make some tea," Mrs. Tracy said simply, stepping aside to let them in. "You look upset and I just made scones." 

Relaxing slightly, AJ wandered into her flat, slipping their shoes off and following her direction to sit down at the table. They stared down at the tablecloth for a while, feeling a bit numb and shaky, and almost jumping when Mrs. Tracy appeared a few minutes later with a tray. 

"Here we are, scones and tea, isn't this lovely?" She smiled, and AJ nodded, not quite managing to smile back. "What's going on, my dear? You do look very upset," Mrs. Tracy prompted gently, and AJ sighed, feeling the blush rising to their cheeks. 

"It's um...quite personal," they admitted, and she nodded, picking up the teapot to swirl the tea inside. 

"Most things people come to me for help with are," she pointed out with a smile. "I've heard it all, don't worry." 

"I know, I'm just not used to talking about this stuff," AJ shrugged, managing to flash her a small smile as she began to pour the tea. "I um...I took a nap by accident, a-and I had a um...a dream." 

Mrs. Tracy raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything. 

"Um...it was about Ezra and I having...having sex, only he um...he had a penis," AJ admitted slowly, sure that someone could use their face for a barbecue now, it was so hot. "And he wasn't...he wasn't rough exactly, but he um...he took me quite hard, y'know? And um...I woke up and finished myself off," AJ muttered, swallowing their embarrassment and taking a slow breath. They knew Mrs. Tracy wouldn't judge and she always gave out very sound advice, but it was still difficult to talk about such personal matters.

"How did it all make you feel?" Mrs. Tracy asked quietly, finishing the pouring and adding milk and sugar to both cups. 

"Weird," AJ sighed, looking down again. "I don't know why I dreamed of him with...with a penis. I love him and his body, and I've never felt like there's anything missing, but um...well, we've only had sex twice and neither time was penetrative, so...what if things aren't...what if I'm too fucked up for him to be enough for me?" 

Despite their embarrassment, the words seemed to come easily, spilling out of them in their pressing need for comfort and help. Mrs. Tracy nodded slightly. 

"In my experience, AJ, being penetrated with a strap-on really isn't all that different to a penis. There are some differences, of course, but I really don't think it'll be enough for you to suddenly be unable to have sex," she assured them, placing one of the cups down in front of them. AJ sighed, picking it up so they had something to do with their hands. 

"Well, there's also the fact that...I don't know, because I...we haven't gotten very far yet, but I don't think Ezra is one to...to be rough. I'm pretty good at sussing people out, and I just...I don't get that impression from him. What if I just...what if I've been fucked too hard too many times to enjoy slow sex?" 

Mrs. Tracy sighed and took a long sip from her cup, then set it down carefully and just looked at AJ for a moment. "Honestly, AJ, these are absolutely normal problems," she said gently, giving them an encouraging smile. "Lots of couples have to find their way around differing sexual preferences, and this isn't the first time by a long way that someone used to penises will have to get used to a strap-on. I think the best advice I can give you is to stop theorizing and worrying about what might happen and get down to the actual practice. You really don't know until you try, and it might be awkward at first, but you'll work it out together. Even cis, hetero couples have to go through this, although it's generally much easier. You have to figure out what works for the both of you. And keep in mind that penetrative sex isn't the only kind of sex," Mrs. Tracy added, her eyes soft and kind. "There are plenty of other ways to have sex, and to enjoy intimacy together. If you keep thinking of penetration as the only way, you'll end up feeling a lot more discouraged." 

AJ sighed and nodded, looking down into their cup. "Yeah, it's just hard to shake, y'know? Even when we have had sex I struggle to think of it as...as sex, because we never got to the stage I'm used to." 

"I understand. It's an ingrained assumption, thanks to hetero- and cisnormativity, and it will take some time and practice to shift. But I think you should sit down with Ezra and talk through all of this with him. You need to be able to communicate about sex and both of your desires clearly, especially since you're upset. He needs to know what's going through your mind every time things get a little heated so you both can focus on making it a good time for each other and yourselves," Mrs. Tracy pointed out, and AJ blushed at the thought, but nodded. 

"You're right. It seems kind of daunting, but I know I need to talk to him. I just...I love him so much, and I feel kind of bad for...for touching myself to the thought of him. I don't want him to feel weird about it or anything." 

Mrs. Tracy chuckled softly and shook her head. "I'm sure it'll be fine, AJ. You're in a relationship, and although there are still boundaries, of course, it's not a violation to think about him sexually." 

"Again, I feel like I know that, it's just...I have this negative self image that I'm...I'm.." AJ trailed off for a moment, suddenly feeling ill, choking on the words. "Just some disgusting, stupid whore, and that's...I still can't get it out of my head, even though Ezra is so lovely and supportive. I keep thinking that one day he's going to realise that that's all I am." 

Mrs. Tracy sighed and reached across the table to gently take AJ's hands. "Oh, darling, you are so much more than that, but I understand. For the past eight years, you've been told that's all you are, it's normal for you to have internalised that. Does Ezra know that's how you feel?" 

AJ shrugged, leaning towards her slightly, unconsciously desperate for more comfort. "I'm not sure. I think we had a talk about it early on, but not...I don't know. Not super in detail. He knows I'm negative about myself in general, at least." 

Smiling sadly, Mrs. Tracy gave AJ's hands a tight little squeeze. "That's a good start, but maybe it's time for another conversation. And I think you need to push yourself as much as possible to get this business you're aiming for up and running. I have every confidence in you being able to do it, and I think you need to start building a new self-image. Someone who's a survivor and strong and able to snag such a lovely, sweet boyfriend. And is multi-talented and able to run their own business," she said earnestly, her smile widening as she rubbed her thumbs over AJ's knuckles. "You are an amazing person, AJ, and you're still so young, you have so much time to rewrite yourself." 

AJ managed a smile, but they were starting to feel a bit tearful, sniffling softly. "That's a really comforting thought," they admitted, and Mrs. Tracy nodded, slipping her hands from theirs and pushing the plate of fresh scones towards them. 

"Go on, have one. And message Ezra, tell him you want to talk when he gets home, so you can't back out," she chuckled, and AJ rolled their eyes, but slipped their phone out of their pocket, tapping on Ezra's contact. 

_ AJ, 14:17  _

_ Hey angel, I was wondering if we could have a chat when you get home? It's nothing bad or urgent, I promise, it's just a bit personal to put in a text. I'm absolutely fine, but I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight and giving you a nice kiss xxx _

They read it over a couple times, then hit send and slipped their phone away again. "I have to be careful with how I text at the moment," they said quietly, with a shy little smile. "He's been really protective, and I think being away from me is tough for him at the moment. But he's finally in therapy, so I think that should help a bit." 

"Good, I think it'll be good for him," Mrs. Tracy smiled, taking a small plate from the tray and putting a scone on it before firmly setting it down in front of AJ. "Eat, I know you'd like them. There's cream, jam, and butter here," she added, handing them a knife as well. "And I'll send you home with some for Ezra." 

AJ's phone buzzed and they tugged it out, checking the text quickly. 

_ Angel, 14:20  _

_ Are you sure you're alright? I can come home if you need xxx  _

AJ rolled their eyes fondly, typing out a quick reply. 

_ AJ, 14:21  _

_ I'm fine, I promise. I love you xxx  _

Ezra's reply came back almost immediately, and made AJ smile as usual, their lip briefly caught between their teeth. 

_ Angel, 14:21  _

_ Okay, beautiful. I'll see you around five, okay? And we'll have a lovely talk and lots of cuddles xxx  _

AJ replied with a simple 'sounds great,' then looked up at Mrs. Tracy with a sheepish smile. "If I don't text back right away, he gets nervous." 

Mrs. Tracy nodded, looking at the scone meaningfully. AJ sighed and picked it up, cutting it in half dutifully and reaching for the cream. "He's been through a lot of trauma lately, I can't imagine how he's feeling." 

"Yeah, he's been really tired and jumpy," AJ nodded, spreading a very thin amount of clotted cream over their scone. "I've been trying my best to help, but there's only so much I can do. I can't go to work with him, unfortunately." 

"No, I suppose not. Poor thing...well, both of you, of course. How have you been aside from all the intimacy stuff?" 

AJ sighed and just stared down at their plate for a bit. "I um...you can't tell Ezra this, but...I signed an NDA. Gabriel said he wouldn't come after either of us if I signed it, and he gave me two hundred grand. I...I feel a lot safer, but I do feel guilty. I know it's not the 'right' thing to have done and I know Ezra would be disappointed, but I...I feel so much safer." 

Mrs. Tracy nodded understandingly, letting out a soft sigh. "Doing the right thing for you is often more important than doing what most people would consider to be the more moral thing. If it makes you feel safe and able to actually move on with your life, then that's definitely the right thing for you. But I feel like I should warn you against keeping it from Ezra. It seems like something that will end badly." 

"I know," AJ sighed, poking at their scone unenthusiastically. "I'll get there eventually. I will tell him." 

"Good. Now eat that scone, stop torturing it!" Mrs. Tracy laughed, and AJ rolled their eyes, but couldn't stop themself from smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
> I hope you enjoyed this one! Let me know what you thought, I always like seeing your comments!   
> ♡♡♡


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: sexual content (including in-depth discussion of sex toys and some brief discussions of sexual trauma).

AJ spent a couple of hours at Mrs. Tracy's flat, enjoying the chance to chat with her and be distracted from their own worries about their relationship. Eventually, though, they went home and put a load of washing in the machine and cleaned the kitchen while they waited for Ezra to get home. It was easier to do stuff with their hands while they were waiting; it kept them from worrying about having to talk to Ezra when he did arrive. They weren't sure how they were going to handle having to bring up their nap and the things they'd discussed with Mrs. Tracy, and it was making them more than a little nervous.

When they finally heard the front door click, AJ jumped, swallowing hard and hurrying into the hallway. Ezra was facing away from them to take his shoes off, so they waited for a few breathless moments, wringing their hands in front of them until he looked up and smiled worriedly. 

"Hey, what's going on?" He asked immediately, straightening up and walking over. AJ winced, feeling the heat already rising to their cheeks. 

"Can we sit in the bedroom?" 

"Yeah, of course. You're worrying me, though. Is everything alright?" He asked gently, blue eyes full of loving concern as he offered them his hand. AJ took it immediately, trying to ignore their fingers trembling as they linked them with his. 

"Yeah, I...I had a weird dream earlier," they mumbled, gently tugging on his hand and leading him into the bedroom. They knew Anathema was likely to be back any minute, and they really didn't want to be interrupted. Talking about it was going to be difficult enough as it was. 

Ezra pushed the door shut behind him, following AJ over to the bed and taking his hand from theirs. "Let me just take my leg off, alright? It's a bit sore," he sighed, unbuckling his belt. AJ looked down at their hands, fiddling with their fingers as they waited patiently, although nervously. 

"I'll massage it for you later," they mumbled as soon as he pulled the socket free from his leg, and Ezra hummed in response. 

"That would be lovely. I'd also like to take a nice bath, if you'd be up for that. I think I have a bath bomb hidden away somewhere." 

AJ smiled to themself, able to tell from the tone of his voice that it didn't just happen to be 'hidden away somewhere' and figuring he'd probably bought it with an evening like this in mind. The thought made them feel much more relaxed as they glanced at their partner, watching him slip his shorts on over his underwear. They couldn't help but think how handsome he was, his blue eyes bright and soft. His hair was catching the evening light from the window like a fluffy halo, and all they wanted to do was lay down and run their fingers through it over and over. 

"So, a dream, huh?" Ezra asked slowly, slipping his work shirt off and grabbing his sleep shirt off the end of the bed, where AJ had folded it that morning. 

"Yeah, um...a sexy one," they mumbled, suddenly feeling a bit choked again, taking a deep breath as Ezra finally looked up at them and kissed their cheek. 

"Yeah? You wanna talk about it, beautiful?" He prompted gently, and AJ nodded, swallowing hard as they looked down again. Ezra's hand slid into one of theirs, squeezing tightly, and they closed their eyes. 

"I...it made me feel really bad," they went on shakily, trying to ignore the tears threatening their eyes. "I...I dreamt that you were topping me, but you...you had a penis and you were going pretty fast...I liked it," they added quickly when they felt Ezra's fingers tighten on their hand. "I consented and everything and I woke up...well, I woke up still really hard," they sighed, trailing off, and Ezra's thumb rubbed over their knuckles. 

"Did you...did you end up...finishing?" He asked hesitantly, and AJ nodded, their cheeks on fire with embarrassment now. 

"I didn't make a mess, though," they said quickly, and Ezra gave a soft chuckle, his lips finding their cheek again. 

"I don't care about that, my love! I'm just glad you're exploring things a bit more, and you feel comfortable enough with me to finish to the thought of having sex with me. That's huge progress," he grinned, and AJ looked up at him in shock, searching his eyes to make sure he was serious. 

"You...you're not upset?" They asked slowly, incredulity hanging off every word. 

Ezra snorted and pulled them into a brief, but loving kiss. "Of course not, sweetheart. It's a compliment, you find me sexy. The whole...penis thing, it doesn't bother me either. I mean...as long as you don't prefer-" 

"No, I love you just the way you are!" AJ interrupted quickly, guilt and panic flashing through their chest. "Please, Ezra, I do, I really, really do!" 

"Shhh, sweetheart, I know," Ezra soothed, combing his fingers through their hair slowly. "I know you do, but it's nice to hear it. I'm sure it was just your brain mucking things up, I don't blame you. Are you okay, though? You seem so upset," he murmured, and AJ leaned into him shakily, shrugging. 

"I don't know...I just...I feel so despondent thinking about sex lately. I really, really want to get confident with you, but I just.." AJ sniffed, tears suddenly choking them as Ezra wrapped his arms around them quickly. "I w-was talking to Mrs. Tracy today and...and I just...I think part of the problem is that I...I've never had the chance to figure out what I like," they continued hesitantly, Ezra's hand running up and down their side slowly. "I just...I've always had the one kind of sex, and...I'm scared that if I don't like doing that with you, then will I ever find something we can do?" 

"Well, let's talk about that," Ezra said simply, giving them a little squeeze. "I have an idea. Let's go through your toys and talk about them, how does that sound? It might help give us both an idea of what you like. And you said you needed to go through your stuff anyway." 

AJ took a deep breath, considering this. On the one hand, it would be incredibly embarrassing, but on the other, Ezra was right. They needed to get rid of some of their toys, and it made sense that figuring out which of their toys they liked best would give them clues as to what they liked best during sex. 

"Okay, but...I'm nervous," AJ mumbled, and Ezra chuckled, nodding slightly. 

"Me too, don't worry. Do you think you could manage to bring the drawers over here?" 

"Of course," AJ smiled, kissing the corner of his lips lightly. "Is your leg really bothering you?" They asked as they got up, and Ezra sighed. 

"It's definitely not stopped hurting yet," he muttered, and AJ walked across the room, picking up the plastic set of drawers and carrying it over to the bed. They sat down next to Ezra and sighed, looking at the plastic surface for a moment or two. 

"I won't judge, I promise," Ezra murmured softly, reaching up to stroke their hair and making them jump ever so slightly. "I saw it all when we moved your stuff, anyway."

AJ nodded and reached down, slowly opening the first drawer. 

Ezra drew in a sharp breath next to them and AJ got up, shutting the drawer hurriedly. "I'm gonna get a bin bag," they announced, then rushed off, hugging themself as they went. They didn't like the reminder that their life had been so one-dimensional for so long, they didn't like looking at all those toys and remembering all the men they'd used them for. Sighing to themself and forcing the tears down, AJ opened the cupboard under the sink and grabbed a bin bag from the roll. At least they were cleaning house, getting rid of everything they didn't need. They had to admit that that felt good. 

Ezra was looking worried when they walked back into the bedroom, so they went and sat down beside him, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. 

"I'm okay," they said quietly, although they both knew it was a lie. Ezra sighed and ran his hand down their back, but AJ opened the drawer again before he could say anything. Immediately, they grabbed the two-foot flexible dildo and shoved it into the bin bag with a finality that made Ezra smile. 

"I always hated that one," AJ muttered, and he nodded, gently curling his fingers under their chin and turning their head to face him. 

"I love you," he murmured, his eyes as soft as ever, even though his cheeks were on fire. "I promise you I don't think of you differently because of all this," he added, and AJ relaxed slightly, pushing through his hand to kiss him, only a short little peck. 

"I know, you're a good man, Ezra. My angel," AJ purred, and Ezra chuckled softly, turning his attention back to the drawer. 

"What else can go?" 

AJ sighed and gave a small shrug. "Most of it. I don't really like dildos much, not for use by myself, anyway." 

"Which is your favourite, then?" 

AJ picked up a fairly thin realistic dildo with a suction cup and stuck it to the top of the drawers. Ezra giggled shyly and AJ laughed as well, finally starting to let go of their embarrassment. 

"That one," they said simply, then pulled out their scaled bad dragon monstrosity. "And I'm keeping this one because it was fucking expensive. The rest can go," AJ said confidently, and Ezra nodded, watching as they binned the rest. 

"Do you actually like that one, though?" He prompted gently, and AJ picked it up, running their finger over the scales slowly. 

"Actually, I do. Sometimes," they admitted, not quite looking at Ezra. "But only when someone else uses it with me, y'know? And when they're nice and gentle. I like the feeling of the scales, but it all blends into itself when it's too fast." 

"May I?" Ezra asked softly, and AJ handed it over, smiling shyly when he gasped. "Holy fuck, that's heavy!" 

"Yeah, it's not even their biggest size, not by a long way," they giggled, and Ezra stared at them in shock. 

"Jesus Christ. I think I'd have to get a new strap to fit this in." 

AJ grinned, taking it back and putting it in the drawer along with the other dildo. "Yeah, it's a bit large. Again, the texture is good, though," they hummed, and Ezra stroked their hair, playing with it lightly. 

"So, what we concluded so far is that you don't like big dildos and you like slow, gentle sex?" 

After a moment's consideration, AJ nodded and leaned into his touch, letting out a quiet sigh. "Yeah. And I really like giving blowjobs, we knew that one already." 

"I should start making a list," Ezra chuckled, and AJ smiled, taking his hand and giving it a tight squeeze. 

"Thank you for being so sweet to me," they murmured, and he shook his head, leaning down to pull them into a loving kiss. 

"You deserve it, my love. Putting up with all this for so long. I love you, y'know. So much." 

AJ let out a slow breath, closing their eyes as he hugged them tightly. "I love you too." 

They took a few minutes to hug in silence before gently pulling away from Ezra to open the second drawer, feeling his hand sliding down their back. 

"The condoms are useful," AJ said quietly, and Ezra nodded, his hand moving from their back to rest on their thigh as they reached out and picked up the biggest plug. 

"I hate this," they muttered, then threw it in the bag, the satisfying thump it made echoing in their mind. They threw away all but a small metal plug with a teardrop shape and a red crystal on the other end, admitting to Ezra shyly that they liked wearing it under their clothes sometimes. 

"I love the idea of that," he smiled, resting his chin on their shoulder and wrapping his arm around their waist. "I've always wanted to try something like that, but I'd be too scared going out in public." 

AJ giggled softly and gave a small shrug. "I've worn it to do my grocery shopping a few times," they said quietly, and Ezra nuzzled at the back of their jaw, giving them a little squeeze. 

"I would love to do that with you sometime," he murmured, and AJ blushed, but nodded slightly. 

"I'd like that too, but I definitely need some more time to get more used to sex." 

"Of course," Ezra said quickly, loosening his grip on them slightly. "I didn't mean-" 

"No, it's absolutely fine. We're doing this to talk about sex, so we're going to talk about this kind of thing, and I don't mind at all. I was just setting up boundaries, y'know?" 

"I understand, and I'm glad, I like the fact that you feel you're able to have boundaries with me," Ezra answered simply, and AJ picked up one of the chastity cages. It was made of pink plastic and had a small pink padlock to go with it. 

"This I'm going to keep," they announced quietly. "I...I know it looks like...like a lot, but sometimes it's nice for my dysphoria, when I put it on it draws attention away from that area, does that make sense?" 

"Absolutely," Ezra nodded, gently pulling them closer to him as they picked up the wire and clear cages and tossed them in the bag. "How do you like to use it?" 

"I just put it on while I use a dildo, usually," AJ answered, shrugging. "I usually used it either when clients asked for it or when I was doing cam shows. It sometimes feels nice to just wear it, too, but I don't do that as often. This is really a special occasion type thing," they hummed, setting it back in the drawer and picking up their cock rings. "I'm gonna keep two of these, they can be useful sometimes," they announced, tossing the other two and then closing the drawer. 

"Nearly done," Ezra smiled, kissing their cheek, and AJ nodded, letting out a soft sigh as they opened the last drawer. They picked up both vibrators and tossed them away immediately, giving a little shudder. 

"Not a fan?" Ezra asked gently, and AJ pressed closer to him unconsciously. 

"No, I...they were used a lot in some nasty ways, and I...I don't.." they trailed off, then took a deep breath. "Gabriel used to be basically my only client who could bring me to orgasm and he knew it, he would say he was the only person who could satisfy me. He would make me say I loved him, and if I refused, he would often use a vibrator against my...my penis to force me to orgasm a bunch of times. I...I don't like the feeling," they said quietly, and Ezra turned, pulling them into his lap wordlessly and clutching onto them, his hand sliding up to the back of their head. AJ buried their face in his neck, hugging him tightly as they fought the memories away, their fingertips gently pressing into Ezra's back. 

"I'll remember that, I promise," Ezra murmured after a moment, his voice thick with emotion. "I won't ever use one." 

"Thank you," AJ answered simply, gently starting to pull away from him and looking back down at the drawer shakily. "I think I'm going to keep the rest," they announced, feeling Ezra's strong arm around them and focusing in on the way he held them. "I like cock sleeves, they feel so nice to stroke, y'know? When I'm not feeling too dysphoric, anyway." 

Ezra nodded slightly, then let out a slow breath. "That gives me an idea," he said quietly, and AJ slipped off his lap to the bed beside him, leaning into his side. 

"Yeah?" They smiled, and he looked at them, stroking his knuckles over their cheek as he moved closer to them. 

"I used to really like being on the bottom during sex," Ezra began, AJ blinking in surprise as they leaned into his touch. "Other than you, I've only been with someone with a penis once, but I had a few girlfriends who liked using strap-ons, and I always really enjoyed it. I don't get much bottom dysphoria, so it's usually fine for me in that respect," he went on, blushing bright red as AJ listened curiously, their golden eyes fixed on his beautiful blue ones. "I...I guess if you like cock sleeves, you'd probably like being...well, being inside me," he finished shyly, biting his lip at the end. 

AJ just sat in shock, the full implications of what he was suggesting suddenly rising up and smacking them in the face. They'd be on top for the first time in their life, with the one man they trusted as much as they trusted themself, possibly even more. 

"We could...we could try it, y'know? Maybe it wouldn't be good, but-" 

"I'd love to!" AJ blurted out at last, interrupting Ezra as his tendency to talk when he was nervous was already getting into its stride. "I...it just surprised me, and I've never tried it," they admitted, and Ezra smiled excitedly, gently taking their hands and giving them a little squeeze. 

"I'd absolutely love that," he assured them softly, leaning in slowly and hesitating very briefly before giving them a gentle, loving kiss. AJ leaned into it eagerly, their hand sliding up, fingers tangling in his beautiful curls as they easily guided him deeper. Ezra smiled against their lips and broke away slowly, his eyelids fluttering open in the most adorable way as he just looked at them. 

"I want it to happen a bit more naturally," they stated softly, and Ezra nodded in emphatic agreement. 

"Me too, don't worry. But I think we should try it next time we're feeling like having sex, for sure. I think it could really work, and I think we'd both really enjoy it." 

AJ nodded and swung themself back into his lap expertly, straddling him and wrapping their arms around his neck tightly, their face buried in his hair. Ezra gave a soft chuckle and hugged their waist tightly, letting out a slow sigh as he relaxed into the embrace. 

Smiling to themself, AJ just enjoyed the feeling, their body all wrapped up in his strong, protective grip. Getting rid of their toys had been embarrassing, but at the same time, it really felt like AJ had finally wiped the slate clean. It was, to them, an important symbol of leaving sex work behind, and they now felt truly ready to move on with their life. 

"How about that bath?" Ezra mumbled after a while, and AJ let out a happy sigh, sliding off his lap. 

"I'll go run it." 

About ten minutes later, Ezra was sitting in the tub, AJ standing on the mat. They thought for a moment, then decided to join Ezra in more ways than one, slipping their swimming shorts off and climbing into the tub with their already naked boyfriend. 

Ezra didn't say anything, but he did chuckle softly, wrapping his arms around their waist as they happily leaned back against his chest. 

"Can I put the bomb in?" They asked quietly, and Ezra nodded, handing the little paper bag over and kissing their cheek. AJ read the label and rolled their eyes. 

"This is called a sex bomb, did you know that?" They demanded jokingly, and Ezra laughed again, stroking down their back as they leaned forward. 

"I did, it's one of my favourites," he hummed, and AJ reached into the bag, pulling out the pink and purple ball with a little pink flower on top. 

"Oh, it's cute," they smiled, forgetting their fake annoyance as they slowly lowered the bomb into the water. It began to fizz immediately and they giggled, watching the pink spread out into the water. 

"Have you never used one of these before?" Ezra asked quietly, and AJ shook their head, watching it sink in happy fascination. 

"I haven't, no, it's so much fun! And it smells so good," they grinned, feeling Ezra's hands on their sides, gently pulling them back to sit against him. They sank back obediently, cuddling up to him and feeling his arms drape around them, enclosing them, protecting them. 

AJ smiled to themself contentedly, letting their eyes slip closed as Ezra leaned down and began to kiss their neck, his lips soft and loving, a low purr rising from his throat. They leaned into it, their mind wandering to the fact that they were naked with their boyfriend for the first time since they'd been taken into hospital. A little rush of pride made them smile wider, just as Ezra's teeth grazed their shoulder. They let out a soft little whine and took one of his hands, confidently guiding it to the inside of their thigh. 

"Did all that talk of sex get you a little excited?" Ezra chuckled softly, his voice a little deeper than usual, closer to the way it had sounded in AJ's dream as his palm caressed the inside of their thigh, making them shiver in delight. 

"Mmm, maybe," they answered coyly, reaching forward to turn the tap off before relaxing back into his grip once more. His other hand slid down and AJ parted their legs just as they felt his breath on their cheek before his teeth closed on their earlobe, giving a gentle little tug. To their surprise, AJ felt their length twitch between their legs, a soft moan slipping from their lips in response to the love bite. 

"Mm, someone likes a bit of teeth, huh?" Ezra teased, his hands sliding higher as AJ closed their eyes, their head tipping back, their breath quickening in anticipation. 

"Ohh...I just...I just love you, Ezra!" They gasped out, and he chuckled quietly, nuzzling their jaw before ducking down, his lips pressing against their neck once more. 

"I love you too, beautiful," he murmured, his hands sliding higher again, but, to AJ's frustration, skipping their hips altogether to rub over their sides instead, finding that sensitive spot just under their ribs that always made them shiver. They squirmed a bit and Ezra tutted, nuzzling the underside of their jaw. 

"Keep still," he whispered, and AJ almost crossed their legs, the sheer sexiness of his voice taking them by surprise. They hadn't heard him talk like this before, and they wondered briefly if hearing about their dream had given him a confidence boost. Whatever it was, it was working. 

Although they couldn't really see themself through the cloudy pink water, they could feel their length filling out, throbbing, their breath heavy and quick as they rocked their hips instinctively. 

"Ah-ah, that's not still," Ezra chuckled, and AJ gasped softly as his teeth found their neck, pressing into their skin without actually hurting them at all. They shuddered and moaned, their eyes rolling back in their head, panting already. 

"Angel! Please, angel!" They begged shakily, and he purred without releasing them, biting down just a little harder and giving a light suck that made them whine in desire. 

"Ezra!"

This time, he broke away, once again pressing his cheek to their jaw, his nails dragging over their ribs, not pressing into their skin, just skimming over it to make them shiver. "Yes, love? Tell me what you want." 

AJ whimpered, squirming again, completely overtaken by their need for him, their craving for his touch. "I w-want you to t-touch me!" They choked out, and he hummed softly, kissing over where he'd just bitten them. 

"Is that so? Where?" Ezra prompted, and AJ swore under their breath. 

"Th-the base of m-my-" they began, but Ezra cut them off gently. 

"Here?" 

His hand slid down lightning fast and AJ moaned out happily, their head tipping back as they felt his fingertips massaging against the base of their shaft. 

"Yes! Fuck yes!" They squealed, and Ezra chuckled, grinding the heel of his hand against them, his lips finding their shoulder as his other hand ran up to toy with their intact nipple and gently tug on their piercing. 

"Good, I just wanna hear you enjoy yourself," he breathed, and AJ moaned again, their eyes slipping shut as they let their head fall back, cradled by his shoulder, their whole body held by him. "Next time, I'm gonna let you slide inside me," he murmured, keeping his hand working against their base as he spoke, his voice still low and deep. "I'm gonna hold you so tight, my love. And I'm gonna make you feel so good, holding you inside me. Can you imagine that? Hmm? Can you imagine filling me up and making me moan for you?" 

AJ whimpered, completely caught up in the fantasy, imagining how warm Ezra would be, how tight as they sank deep inside him. His hand slid down, cupping them, fingertips stroking, exploring the underside of their shaft, right where it connected to their body. AJ rewarded him with another happy cry, their length twitching and throbbing against Ezra's palm, his hand slowly wrapping around them. His teeth grazed their neck again, this time high up near their jaw, and AJ gasped out a barely intelligible plea for more, their whole body shuddering. 

Ezra bit down lightly, growling ever so softly as his hand ran up and down, his thumb running over their tip, and AJ was gone, their buildup already beginning. It lasted only one more stroke before they came, gasping out their pleasure, their body jerking as Ezra released their neck and stroked again slowly, holding them in his hand while they went limp, every little flex of their body as they ejaculated making them moan softly. 

"There, that's it. What a good little bird," Ezra praised softly, letting go of them and shifting to hug them tightly, their eyes still closed as they just basked in the aftermath of their orgasm. 

AJ reached up and behind themself shakily, stroking Ezra's hair as he squeezed them lightly. "I love you," they mumbled, a little breathless, and he chuckled, pressing a soft kiss to their cheek. 

"Mm, I love you too, sweetheart. Are you feeling okay?" 

"I'm feeling fantastic," AJ answered a little dreamily, their eyes still half closed, their body slightly weak from their release. "I think I wanna wash off in the shower in a minute, though." 

"Yeah, probably a good idea with all this glitter," Ezra hummed, AJ's hand sliding from his head and slipping back into the water. "At least there's already soap in the water," he pointed out, and AJ snorted quietly, their head tipping back again so they could kiss his jaw. 

"True. But I feel a little...dirty," they admitted, and Ezra stroked over their stomach lightly. 

"You know I'm on-" 

"I know, that isn't really what I meant," AJ interrupted quietly, then sighed. "I'm fine, it's just still going to take me some time to get used to having orgasms with you. I'm not upset and I really enjoyed myself." 

"Good, that's the important thing," Ezra agreed firmly, giving their hips a little squeeze. "And you also smell delicious because of this bath bomb," he chuckled, and AJ giggled, leaning forward to pull the plug. 

"I'll start the shower running," they announced, heaving themself out of the water on slightly shaky legs, and quickly opening the shower door to turn the water on. Once that was done, they went back to Ezra and ruffled his hair, then helped him out of the tub to sit on the edge. As soon as they'd fetched his shower chair and unfolded it, AJ guided Ezra to hold onto their waist and, praising him all the way, helped him into the shower. 

He sat down fairly heavily, panting a little, and AJ slipped in after him, shutting the door and taking the showerhead off the hook. They rinsed their body off quickly, then leaned down and pulled Ezra into a brief kiss before pointing the showerhead at him. Ezra laughed and flipped them off jokingly, but allowed them to wash him off, smiling as they knelt in front of him and used their hands to help get the glitter off his thighs. He spread his legs slightly and AJ's breath caught in their throat as they thought about how perfect he was. They stood up quickly and put the showerhead back on the hook, then moved back to stand in front of Ezra, who looked up at them in vague confusion. 

"You okay, sweetheart?" He asked, and AJ smiled, nodding before bending down again and kissing him softly. He leaned into it eagerly, but kept it slow and light, even as AJ shifted slightly, their hand stroking up the inside of his thigh. 

Fingers closed around their wrist and AJ pulled away sharply, suddenly worried. "Are you okay?" They asked quickly, and Ezra just smiled and nodded as he reached up to stroke their cheek. 

"I'm fine, my love. I just don't want you to think that you have to give me something because I gave it to you. Sex doesn't always have to be a transaction, sometimes I just want to give you a gift." 

AJ blinked, then kissed him again, love flooding their chest and making them feel a little choked up. They couldn't believe how freeing it felt, knowing that they could engage with Ezra sexually without having to constantly worry about whether he was getting what he needed. And yet, they also knew that sometimes they wanted to make him feel good as well. 

"Ezra, I love you so much," they murmured as they eventually broke the kiss, their lips parting from his slowly. "So, so much. And you know what? It feels like a gift to me when I can make you feel good. I love being able to make you feel pleasure, I'm not trying to return the favour or repay you, I genuinely just want to do this for you because I love you." 

Ezra stared up at them, his smile soft and loving, his lips parted ever so slightly. "As long as you're sure, my love. You never have to do anything you don't feel that you want to do one hundred percent, okay?" 

"I know," AJ smiled, letting out a slow breath before tugging their angel into a kiss, their hands returning to his thighs. Ezra's fingers tangled in their hair lightly and they opened their mouth, guiding the kiss deeper as his hands ran over their back and down, giving their backside a good squeeze. AJ giggled and broke away from the kiss, then sank to their knees, gently spreading Ezra's legs a little further and kissing up the tops of his thighs. Grinning down at them, Ezra ruffled their hair lightly, and AJ bit their lip, gazing between his legs and just studying his beautiful features. 

"Watching you enjoy yourself got me a bit riled up, I have to admit," he murmured, and AJ smiled shyly, glancing up at him. 

"Really?" 

"Mhm. If I'd have touched myself, I probably would have cum with you," he chuckled, his cheeks a little flushed as AJ caressed his thighs, running their hands up and down the sensitive skin on the inside of his legs, getting a little closer to his folds each time. 

"Yeah? What was the best part?" They purred, and saw the way his muscles flexed at the thought. 

"I have to admit, I loved thinking about you inside me," Ezra said quietly, and AJ grinned, feeling rather good in themself after such a successful bath and so much praise. 

"I love thinking about that too," they purred, shifting closer to Ezra and gently pulling his hips towards them, guiding his legs further apart as he closed his eyes and tipped his head back slightly. "I can't wait to get myself all slick and push right up against you," AJ said slowly, keeping their tone low and seductive as they reached out and stroked a finger over his entrance. Ezra gasped and let out a soft moan, his eyes still firmly closed as he rocked towards their touch. 

"AJ! Oh God, please! I want you!" He cried, and AJ smirked confidently, slowly beginning to press two fingers against him, letting his slick, wet passage begin to open around them. 

"Can you feel me, Ezra? Open up for me, there's a good angel," AJ praised softly, just as their fingertips finally pressed past his strong muscles and into his entrance. Ezra cried out as he was breached, his hips bucking again, his mouth falling open. 

"Ahh! Fuck, I c-can feel you!" He whined, and AJ bit their lip, studying his intense, pleasured expression as they gradually slid their fingers deeper, bit by bit. 

"Good, you're doing so well. Being inside you is so good, angel. I can feel you so well, can you tighten for me?" 

Ezra moaned out, but did as he was told, clamping down on AJ's fingers for a second or two. 

"That's it, such a good little angel. Now relax," they hummed, and slid their fingers all the way into him in one movement. Ezra squealed and AJ felt a stir in their own lower regions when they saw the way Ezra's eyebrows shot up, his face twisting. 

"Rub yourself for me, angel," AJ ordered quietly, and his hand was on his cock almost immediately, stroking up and down the short shaft with his fingertips. "Now...do you want me to fuck you, Ezra? Hmm? Tell me." 

"P-please!" Ezra gasped, and AJ grinned, gently brushing his hand out of the way and taking over as they slipped a third finger into him, then began to thrust immediately, beginning slowly, easily. Ezra rocked, his moans soft and blissful, and AJ began to pick up the pace, curling their fingers to drag over his g-spot with each thrust until he was moaning uncontrollably, his chest heaving. 

"AJ!" He cried out, and AJ just grinned, rubbing their fingers over his short shaft in time with their quick thrusts, their arm already beginning to ache with the effort. 

"Cum for me, angel! Squeeze around me and cum!" They commanded confidently, and Ezra clamped down, groaning with the effort and then panting, his breathing rising until it stopped altogether, and then rushed out in a loud cry. He spilled all over AJ's hand and arm, his hips bucking, and AJ grinned, chuckling as they gently rocked their fingers, easing him through his peak. 

Ezra slowly managed to regain control of his breathing, and AJ leaned in, beginning to lick his folds clean, his hand landing in their hair and caressing their head gently. His fingers shook, but AJ didn't mind at all, they were too busy enjoying the little whines and gasps he let out while they cleaned him. 

"I haven't squirted like that in fucking years," he mumbled after a few moments, and AJ grinned, suckling lightly at his shaft before getting up and tugging him into a kiss, letting him taste himself on their tongue. 

"Mmm, did you like it?" 

"Like it? Fuck, AJ," he chuckled, reaching up and not letting them pull away, not quite yet. "It was fucking incredible, come here," he grinned, and they kissed again, soft and slow and easy, full of love and tenderness and everything AJ could ever want. 

After a few long, passionate kisses, AJ shut the water off and helped Ezra out of the shower, sitting him down on the edge of the bathtub and turning away to grab the towels. Only then did they see their own reflection in the mirror, the dark bruises already forming on their neck. AJ gasped and leaned closer to the mirror to get a better look. 

"AJ? I'm...I'm sorry, you seemed into it, and-" 

"No, I like it, don't worry! I...it feels more like...like myself," AJ interrupted quickly, smiling to themself as they studied the marks on their neck happily. Hickies had always been a no-go for them because of their job - men always called them cheap when they saw AJ had already been marked by someone else, but now? Now they weren't owned by the money anymore, they were free, they could do what they liked. And they liked being marked by Ezra. It was the perfect symbol of their new life and their ability to make choices for themself again. After all, they'd made the most important choice - they'd chosen Ezra, and they certainly didn't mind getting the opportunity to show it off a bit. 

It took AJ another minute or two to tear themself away from their reflection, but eventually they grabbed two towels off the rack, wrapping themself in one. They took the other over to Ezra and insisted on drying him off themself, despite his laughed protests that he could manage. 

As AJ rubbed the towel over Ezra's leg, making sure to dry off his residual limb thoroughly, they looked up at their partner and felt a blissful warmth spreading through their chest. They knew that this was non-sexual intimacy at its finest - taking care of their partner and showing him how much they loved him with plenty of giggles and jokes. Ezra ran his fingers through their hair and AJ felt they could practically burst with the joy and love rushing through them. They leaned against his leg, their head resting on his thigh, just gazing up at him contentedly as he stroked their cheek over and over, his touch ever so gentle. 

"You, my love, are stunning," Ezra murmured, and AJ smiled softly, already starting to feel a bit sleepy as they just knelt there, warm and comfortable. 

"So are you," they mumbled happily, and Ezra gave a quiet sigh, still playing with their hair as they turned their head, burying their face in the soft flesh of his inner thigh. 

"We should go to bed, I'm exhausted," Ezra announced, but made no move to get up. AJ grunted in agreement, but didn't move either, although they did kiss his skin, their arms sliding up, fingers interlacing over the top of Ezra's thigh to lean more weight on him. Silence fell for a few minutes, AJ curled up between Ezra's legs, happier than they'd been in a long time. Everything finally felt right with the world, and when Ezra eventually told them his leg was going numb and they needed to get up, AJ helped him to bed. They collapsed onto the mattress together, giggling as they cuddled up to one another, neither of them bothering with clothes. AJ buried their face in Ezra's chest and simply switched off, letting their mind and body relax as they basked in the company of the man they loved. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!   
> I almost forgot about updating today! I'm so sorry guys, but it's here now, and I hope you enjoyed it ♡   
> Let me know what you thought :) ♡


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: nightmares (PTSD-related), mention of alcoholism, intense body image issues and negative talk about their own body (with comfort), brief discussion of dysphoria, mention of scars.

A few nights after his special bath with AJ, Ezra woke with a jolt, sitting bolt upright and staring off into the dark room. AJ stirred beside him, but didn't wake, so he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and grabbed his crutches. 

He needed to get out of the dark, to find something to help him forget about his nightmare, about the images of AJ, covered in blood and laid out on that hellish couch, this time cold and lifeless. Ezra stumbled a bit on the way out of the bedroom door, his hands shaking on his crutches, tears blinding his vision as he dragged himself down the hall to the kitchen. What he needed was a drink, just a little glass of something to help him calm down and go back to sleep, so he opened the cupboard above the fridge and took down a bottle of red wine he'd been given as a gift about a year ago. He opened it easily and grabbed a glass from the cupboard, pouring himself a reasonable amount and then adding an extra splash, just for good measure. 

His hands still trembling, Ezra lifted the glass to his lips and took a long drink, setting it back down a little more heavily than he would have liked. A shudder ran down his spine and he winced, forcing his mind back to AJ smiling, kissing him, the amount of confidence they'd shown the past few days. They were very much alive and doing well, despite his worst fears. Ezra took another gulp and heard footsteps, turning hurriedly. AJ shuffled into view, blinking in the bright kitchen lights and wearing one of Ezra's t-shirts over their panties. 

"Angel? Come back to bed," they whined quietly, and Ezra felt his cheeks flush as he looked down at his wine guiltily. 

"I'm...I'm coming in a second, sweetheart," he answered softly, but AJ was already walking over to him, leaning against his back as their arms slipped around his waist. 

"Mmm, are you okay?" They mumbled, and Ezra gave a quiet sigh. 

"I had a nightmare again," he admitted, and AJ's chin tucked over his shoulder, their body going still as they noticed the wine glass. 

"You're...drinking. I've never seen you drink," they commented, suddenly sounding more awake, and Ezra winced. 

"Does it bother you?" 

"It worries me, but it doesn't scare me. What's going on, Ezra? Talk to me," AJ pressed gently, and Ezra swallowed, pushing the glass away from him slightly. 

"I just...work is so tiring at the moment, with the coffee shop and my internship, and I can't afford to lose out on sleep, I thought maybe it would help. And...and it's hard to get back to sleep when I've just had a nightmare," he sighed, then reached back to gently push at their hip. "I'm coming back to bed, I promise, go on." 

"No, I'm not going anywhere. You're upset, and I'm here to help," AJ answered stubbornly, their arms tightening around him. "What was the nightmare?" 

"I was too late," Ezra replied shortly, knowing AJ would understand what he meant. It was one of his recurring dreams, ever since that night.

"Well, you weren't," AJ soothed, nuzzling his cheek and kissing his skin softly. "I'm right here, I love you, and I want you to come back to bed and sleep." 

Ezra took a deep breath and sighed, looking down at the half-full glass. He knew that if he was his father, hell, even his sister, the glass would have been empty by now. The second glass probably would have been, as well. Biting his lip, Ezra gently shook AJ off him, grabbing the glass and awkwardly making his way over to the sink. He hesitated for a moment, then deliberately poured the remainder of the wine down the drain, set the glass down on the side, and turned back to his partner. 

"Let's go to bed." 

AJ simply smiled and closed the gap between them, kissing him softly and breaking away, then going in for one more quick peck. "I think we should talk about alcohol sometime. But maybe not at two in the morning," they murmured, and Ezra nodded, following them as they turned and began to walk away. 

"Probably a good plan," he sighed, but was slightly cheered up by the sight of AJ's shirt riding up a bit, their lovely backside peeking out from under the fabric and making him smile. He felt the urge to rush forward and give it a little squeeze, but unfortunately, his crutches definitely weren't going to allow that. 

So instead, he settled for following them all the way back to the bedroom and crawling into bed with them, his hand sliding down over their lower back as they cuddled up to his chest immediately. AJ snorted softly and pressed themself a little closer to him. 

"Is that all it takes to distract you? My ass?" They murmured, and he chuckled, running his hand lower and just feeling the perfect curve, enjoying the knowledge that AJ was smiling, their fingers curling in the back of his shirt. He gave a little squeeze, making them giggle, then hugged them again tightly, burying his face in their hair. 

"It certainly helps," he said quietly, then closed his eyes and began to relax, comforted by AJ's warmth and the feel of their chest rising and falling against his. 

"Good. I love you," AJ sighed sleepily, and Ezra grunted softly. 

"I love you too," he mumbled, then relaxed even further, his mind finally letting go of those gruesome images to let him drift back into a peaceful sleep. 

Despite his difficult night, Ezra woke the next morning feeling much more refreshed than usual, and, because of a problem with the building, he had the day off from his internship. And so, by the time he arrived home around lunchtime, he was feeling much less tired than he normally was at the end of his days, although AJ seemed to have absorbed his tiredness. He found them in the living room, curled up under a blanket on the couch, fast asleep with a book having fallen onto the floor beside them. Ezra chuckled to himself softly and kissed their forehead, tucking the blanket around them carefully before going into the kitchen to make himself some lunch. 

Since he'd only found out about his internship being canceled for the day early that morning, he'd decided to keep it to himself and surprise AJ, but this turned out to be a bad idea. Just as Ezra was plating up his sandwich, his phone buzzed in his pocket. He took it out and answered it, frowning in confusion. 

"Sweetheart?" 

"Ezra! There's someone in the flat kitchen!" AJ gasped, their voice muffled and barely above a whisper, but filled with terror. "I'm h-hiding in the bathroom!" 

Ezra blinked in shock, then winced. "Oh, sweetheart, it's me, I'm sorry," he said hurriedly, rushing the words out in an attempt to comfort his partner as quickly as possible. "I got the day off my internship, I thought it would be a nice surprise, but I didn't want to wake you." 

There was a brief silence, then a soft sniffle from the other end of the line. "Oh...I-I'm sorry, I'm s-so stupid, I-" 

"We don't use that word," Ezra interrupted sharply, his voice firm even as guilt flared in his stomach. "It's my fault, I should have considered my actions more carefully, I'm sorry. Now come on and give me a hug, I missed you this morning." 

The line went dead and the bathroom door clicked down the hall, immediately followed with the sound of running footsteps. AJ skidded into the kitchen and slammed into Ezra's chest, clinging to him as they began to sob in relief. Guilt once again twisting in Ezra's stomach, he hugged them tightly, squeezing them into his chest as they buried their face in his neck. 

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, I'm so sorry," he sighed, and AJ simply nodded, their fingertips digging into his back gently as they clung to him even tighter. "I didn't mean to scare you, my love. It's okay," he soothed, rubbing slow circles into their back as their sobs began to subside into shaking and sniffles. "I'm here, I've got you." 

AJ gently began to disentangle themself from him, wiping their eyes and forcing a trembling smile as they looked at Ezra sheepishly. "I should have guessed, I just...after everything.." 

"I know, it's okay. You did the right thing," Ezra said quickly, flashing them an equally forced smile. "I'm really, really sorry." 

AJ shook their head slowly, their smile widening slightly as they cupped his face in their hands, their thumbs running over his cheeks as those watery golden eyes fixed on his. "It's okay. You wanted to surprise me, that's very sweet, and it was just a little mistake. We're all okay." 

"Yeah, we are," Ezra sighed, his shoulders slouching slightly as he relaxed. "Have you had lunch yet?" 

Sniffing, AJ nodded and wiped their cheeks one last time. "Yeah, and then I fell asleep," they mumbled, smiling sheepishly again and almost giving Ezra a heart attack thanks to how ridiculously adorable that look was. "I was gonna set up my tripod and take some pictures for my new social media, maybe you could help me?" They suggested with a smile, and Ezra nodded, pulling them into a brief little kiss. 

"I would love that, but I'm going to eat first if that's alright. I'm starving." 

"Of course," AJ grinned, kissing him again and keeping him there for a little longer, savouring the moment before breaking away slowly. "I'll do my makeup and stuff while you eat." 

As soon as Ezra had finished his sandwich, he went down the hall to the bedroom, slipping through the door and walking over to the cupboard. AJ was sitting at the desk, still doing their makeup, so Ezra just changed quietly, taking off his work clothes and pulling on his shorts and a plain t-shirt instead. He wandered over to sit down on the bed, then realised that it was completely covered with AJ's costumes, laid out carefully. Some of them he hadn't seen before, and he smiled to himself as he looked through them. 

"These are all really beautiful, sweetheart," Ezra said softly, breaking the comfortable silence at last. 

"Thanks," AJ answered simply, putting the finishing touches on their makeup before getting up and walking over to Ezra. He looked at them and smiled, realising that he hadn't seen them wearing makeup for over two and a half months. It was oddly reassuring, seeing them back to their old self, looking so beautiful and untouchable.

"You look stunning," Ezra breathed, and AJ blushed, biting their perfectly painted bottom lip before leaning in and kissing his cheek lightly. 

"Thank you, love," they hummed, slipping their silk robe off and revealing that they were wearing nothing but a pair of panties. It looked almost like a thong, wide in the front, thin in the back, but something looked off, and it took Ezra far too long to realise that AJ was tucking. He'd heard the performers at the club complaining about it often enough to know what he was seeing, AJ's front completely smoothed out, no bulge visible at all, but it still took him by surprise. He didn't think he'd ever seen AJ tuck before. 

"Magpie?" 

AJ glanced up from sorting through their costumes and flashed him a bright smile. "Yes, love?" 

Ezra blushed and gestured to his own body vaguely. "Your uh...you...you're tucking?" 

AJ blinked in surprise, then nodded shyly, swallowing. "Is...is that okay?" 

Frowning, Ezra moved a little closer to them, running his hand down their back slowly. "It doesn't matter what I think, it's about you being comfortable with your body. But um...isn't it painful?"

AJ smiled slightly, their body relaxing. "No, I use these special panties instead of tape, and it doesn't hurt that much for me. I don't like doing it on stage, though, because I get too worried about it coming undone," they answered, picking up a costume with red feathers all over it and quickly slipping it on. "But since we're taking pictures for me to show the internet, and I have to look at them a lot to edit them, I'd rather be a bit flatter," AJ hummed, adjusting the costume carefully and turning to face Ezra. "How's this look?" 

The costume was made mostly of red sparkly spandex, with feathers layered around the hips and chest, leaving a little flash of their stomach visible. 

"It looks amazing," Ezra smiled, still curious about AJ's tuck, but deciding to drop the subject for now in case it made them uncomfortable. Instead, he picked up the camera from his desk and smiled at them. They walked over to stand in front of a sheet they’d pinned up near the window, giving them a nice even backdrop with some fairy lights strung up to make it look extra cute, and Ezra felt his heart beat just a little faster at the sight of his partner looking so beautiful. 

"I guess just...pose?" He said shyly, and AJ giggled, smiling brightly. Ezra snapped a picture of them laughing and grinned to himself, loving how radiantly happy they looked. "The lighting looks great," he hummed, looking back up to see AJ posing with one hand on their hip, one knee bent to show off their strong, slender thigh, their stomach flexed to make it look even flatter. Swallowing, Ezra forced himself to focus on taking pictures, experimenting with the lighting and the angles while AJ posed, somehow managing to make each picture more breathtaking than the last. 

"Do you think you've got them?" AJ asked after a few minutes, and Ezra nodded, walking over to them and handing the camera over. He resisted the urge to grab them and kiss them all over, but allowed himself to stroke their back, rubbing lightly while they looked through the pictures. 

"I wish I had a pole," they sighed, shaking their head slightly. "This costume looks best in motion. Oh well, let's do another one."

Ezra nodded again, walking over to the bed and looking at all the sparkly, beautiful costumes laid out in front of him. "Can I choose?" 

AJ chuckled, still slipping out of the last costume, being careful not to stretch it too much. "If you like." 

Smiling to himself, Ezra reached down and picked up the first costume he'd ever seen them in. "This one?" 

AJ smiled softly and nodded, picking up the gold briefs and slipping them on before walking over to the wardrobe and hanging the red costume back up on the rail. As soon as they wandered back to the bed, Ezra handed them the first of their robe layers, kissing their cheek as they slipped it on. AJ giggled softly and moved closer to him, their hand finding his backside as soon as he bent over to pick up the second robe. He jumped in surprise, then laughed, feeling AJ's fingers pressing into his flesh and rather enjoying the sensation. 

"Naughty," he grinned as he straightened up, and AJ just took the robe from him, flashing him a smirk that made his heart beat rather faster than usual. 

Once they were fully dressed, AJ stalked over to the area of the room with the best light and began to strip, moving fluidly and beautifully, grace and purpose in every movement they made. Ezra snapped endless pictures, loving the way AJ looked so lost in the slow dance, completely content and certainly enjoying themself. 

As soon as they finished, Ezra handed them the camera, standing behind them while they went through the pictures and kissing their beautiful, freckled shoulders. He noticed the way they winced and hugged their waist loosely, trying to keep the mood light and easy. 

“Are they okay?” 

“They’re um...yeah, they’re good, I just...it’s okay, I’ll fix it when I edit them,” AJ mumbled and Ezra frowned, kissing the side of their neck lightly. 

“Is it something I can do differently, ‘cause-” 

“No, it’s not your fault. I’ll get the next costume,” they said quickly, and Ezra let them go, watching worriedly as they walked back to the bed, but sighing and trying his best to forget about it. 

AJ sighed to themself and picked up another costume, this one mostly white with gold accents and consisting of a long-sleeved crop top so short it barely covered their nipples, with a military look and epaulettes, and matching shorts. 

“I haven’t seen this one before,” Ezra commented as AJ slipped it on, and they flashed him a shy smile. 

“I like it, but it’s kind of an old one. I might do some edits on it at some point, make it fit a little better,” they hummed, walking over to the light and blushing slightly as they looked at Ezra. 

“I think it makes you look very sexy, and very cute,” Ezra praised, snapping a few pictures before guiding them to half turn, their hand on their hip. “And this white fabric with silver sparkles makes your ass look fucking amazing.” 

AJ giggled again, their blush darkening as they smiled for the camera, making Ezra shiver ever so slightly. “You think so?”    
“I know so, you’re absolutely stunning, sweetheart, come here,” he chuckled, putting the camera on the desk and gesturing for them to walk over. Blushing bright red, they bit their lip and followed his direction, wandering over to him shyly and giggling as he wrapped his arm around their waist, nuzzling at their neck and kissing their skin softly. AJ let out a deep sigh and leaned into him, then whined when he ran his hand down over their backside slowly, caressing rather than grabbing. 

“Mm, God, I think I’m going to have to make another version of this costume just for us,” they chuckled, and Ezra purred, nibbling at their collarbone lightly. 

“I would like that very much, magpie. I can just imagine you pinning me down..” he grinned, and AJ gently broke away from him, giving him a brief kiss before turning away shyly. 

“Stop! You’re gonna make me ruin my tuck,” they giggled, and Ezra just smiled, picking up the camera again and taking a few shots of them undressing. AJ flipped him off without looking around, but didn’t complain, picking up a pink costume and stepping into it. 

Setting the camera down again, Ezra walked over to help them pull it up, seeing that they were struggling a bit with it. It was definitely a more cutesy one, with a cutout in the shape of a heart over their belly button, the point finishing just above the line of their panties. But as soon as AJ got it on, they were already tugging it off, their hands shaking ever so slightly. 

“AJ? What-...what’s wrong?” Ezra asked quickly, suddenly concerned, and AJ sniffed, shaking their head quickly. 

“It doesn’t look good anymore, I’m...I’m too fat, I can’t wear it,” they mumbled bluntly, already tugging it off and tossing it onto the bed despondently. “The whole shape is off, I just-”    
“You’re not fat,” Ezra interrupted quietly, his stomach feeling heavy, his chest tight. “You’re still completely flat, AJ, I don’t understand.”    
“I’m not flat,” AJ muttered, taking a deep, slow breath as they reached for another costume. Ezra caught their wrist gently, his arm sliding around them as he guided them to face him, their gaze firmly fixed on the floor. 

“AJ, sweetheart, you’re not fat,” he repeated softly, stroking their cheek as he drew them a little closer to him. “You’ve lost a little muscle, but you’re...you’re not fat, okay? And you’re healing, cut yourself some slack. You don’t have to wear that costume if you don’t like it, but I need you to know that you’re beautiful and sexy and stunning, no matter what your stomach looks like,” he went on firmly, his hand brushing over their ever so slight little tummy, making them flinch, their jaw tightening. 

“Fine, I just...I’ll do a different one, okay? Give me a sec,” they sighed, gently pulling their wrist away from his hand and picking up their costume from the set that had included  _ From Eden.  _ They sat down on the edge of the bed, but before they could start pulling the leggings on, Ezra took them from their hand and knelt down at their feet, smiling up at them as they blinked in surprise. 

“Come here a bit,” he murmured, and AJ moved closer to the edge of the bed, blushing bright red as Ezra pulled the leggings over their feet and began to slide them up, slowly moving closer to them until he could kiss their stomach, AJ’s fingers slipping into his hair almost immediately. 

“Angel,” they sighed softly, and Ezra purred, getting up and gently guiding them up after him, his fingers brushing against their sides as he pulled the leggings over their hips. AJ’s golden eyes fixed on his, a little wet, and Ezra simply smiled, kissing the corner of their painted lips softly. 

“I love you. You don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, okay? It’s just us here,” he murmured, handing them the second part of their costume. AJ stood for a moment, their hands shaking, then smiled and nodded slightly, taking a deep breath. 

“I love you too, and thank you,” they said softly, and Ezra just nodded, smiling back at them lovingly. 

“I know you do, and you’re always welcome,” he answered simply, and kissed AJ’s cheek one more time, pulling them into a loose hug and holding them against him for a few seconds before letting them break away to get back to the task at hand. 

About an hour later, Ezra walked into the bedroom, setting a mug of tea down on the desk next to AJ’s laptop and kissing their cheek lightly. 

“How’s it going?”    
“Good, here,” they murmured, opening a file and leaning back slightly. “These are all the ones I’m going to use, I’ve finished editing them and I’m going to make the posts in a minute.” 

Ezra leaned over, going through the photos slowly, each one making him feel just a little uncomfortable. AJ had gone much further with the editing than he’d expected; smoothing out their skin, making their eyes a little bigger, making themself look slimmer, removing their scars, and even changing the shape of their nose slightly. 

He swallowed, then nodded slowly, wanting to be supportive more than anything. “Yeah, they’re um...really good, sweetheart,” he said hesitantly, struggling to fake enthusiasm. AJ went still, then sighed and closed the laptop abruptly, sitting back in their chair and folding their arms over their chest. 

“If you thought I looked that ugly, you could have told me before I did all this work,” they snapped, but Ezra could hear the hurt in their voice, straining underneath the anger. 

“Oh, love, no,” he said hurriedly, wincing and wishing he’d just been honest to start with. “I think you look beautiful, sweetheart. I just...all that editing, it...it doesn’t look like you anymore,” he sighed, and AJ swallowed, colour rising to their cheeks. “I think the originals looked better, because I can actually recognise you,” he went on gently, stroking their hair and opening their laptop again. “Come on, let’s look together, yeah? How about we sit on the bed for a second?” 

AJ nodded silently, their expression unreadable as they followed Ezra to the bed. He set the laptop on his knees and opened one of the originals, setting it side-by-side with the edited version. 

“Look at how different they are, my love,” he said gently, and AJ just shrugged. 

“So? It looks better,” they muttered, and Ezra sighed, shaking his head slightly. 

“Not to me. You’ve erased so many things I love about you. I love your freckles, and smoothing out your skin so much, I can’t see them anymore. I miss those little stars all over your skin, they’re so adorable and make you look so touchable. And your eyes, I love the shape of your eyes, they’re so beautiful, but they don’t look like yours anymore,” he said gently, keeping his tone soft and praising. “And the same with your nose, I love the curve of your nose, it’s so pretty, it’s such a smooth line, and here it just looks...it doesn’t look like you. I know your scars are difficult, I understand that,” Ezra went on, turning to give AJ a soft kiss on the cheek. “I know they remind you of bad things, but for me, they remind me of how strong you are, how you’ve managed to survive so much and still build yourself a wonderful life. You’re loved and special and what happened to you before doesn’t matter anymore, because you’re doing so well. I understand if you want to edit those out, just don’t think that I dislike them, okay? I think they’re a beautiful part of you, even if their origin isn’t. And your weight,” he sighed, setting the laptop aside and turning to AJ, who refused to look at him, their eyes filled with tears. “Sweetheart, you’re so perfect. Everything about you is stunning and beautiful.”

“I feel fat,” they muttered despondently, their voice choked and thick with emotion, tears still gathering in their eyes. Ezra bit his lip, then shifted closer to them, stroking their hair soothingly. 

“Listen to me, beautiful. You have a little tiny tummy, sure, but I absolutely  _ love _ that. I think it looks great, it reminds me of how you have full ownership of your body now, and how far you’ve come with healing from everything. I understand that it makes you feel upset, but the way you think about your body isn’t healthy, okay? I used to think the same way, and it was very bad for me, I ended up hurting myself, and I really don’t want you to end up the way I did. You belong to yourself, and you’re not on stage anymore. No one is going to judge you for having a little tummy, I promise,” Ezra murmured, gently taking their hands in his, pouring out all the words that he wished someone had said to him when he was a teenager. “I love you, AJ, and I love you for so many other reasons than your body, it would take years to list them all. Your body is so special, it carries you around and it’s there for me to hug and kiss and love on when I want you to feel good. I wish you could see it the way I do, you’re so beautiful, and your little tummy is so cute and sexy, I just wanna kiss it all day long,” he smiled sadly, reaching up to brush AJ’s hair away from their face as their tears spilled over, running down their cheeks silently. “I know it’s hard, and I know it’s going to be a long journey, but you need to start taking those first few steps with me. If you keep editing your pictures and your diet, you’re never going to be able to reach a point of being happy with yourself. I’ve been there, and it just gets worse. You’ll hate yourself for not looking like your pictures, but the pictures will get thinner and thinner until it’s just completely unrealistic. Please, AJ, I know it’s a huge step, but you need to trust me and try to practice a little radical acceptance.” Ezra leaned over and grabbed the laptop, pointing to the original picture. “This is you, AJ, and you’re perfect. This one,” he added, pointing to the edited version. “Is fiction. This person doesn’t exist, and I know it makes you feel better now, but the more you think about this fictional person, the worse you’ll feel in the long run.”

AJ nodded shakily, the tears flowing freely now, their golden eyes still cast down, their cheeks still pink with embarrassment, but Ezra could tell by their body language that they were giving in. 

“Come here, give me a hug,” he murmured, and AJ flung themself at him gratefully, burying their face in his neck and beginning to sob softly. “Oh, sweetheart, it’s okay. I’ve got you, I’m right here. I love everything about you, so,  _ so _ much. I promise.” 

Still crying quietly, AJ nodded, their fingertips digging into his back, their body trembling against his. Ezra just sat quietly, knowing there was nothing else he could say and simply letting AJ get it all out. He wasn’t sure anymore whether the tears were good or bad, but he knew he had to be there with them either way. It took a little while, but eventually AJ began to calm down anyway, their grip on him loosening, their sobs turning into sniffles and finally into silence. 

“I love you too,” they mumbled after a minute or two, their voice thick, and Ezra squeezed them tightly, one hand sliding up to the back of their head, protective and gentle. 

“I know, sweetheart. I know,” he soothed, just as they began to pull away, carefully disentangling themself from him and wiping their nose on their hand before grabbing the laptop. Before Ezra could say anything, they’d already deleted the edited pictures, flashing him a shaky, tearful smile. 

“I’m gonna start again,” they murmured, and Ezra nodded, smiling in relief and leaning over to kiss them lightly. 

“I’ll be right here, okay? You should sit at the desk again so you don’t hurt your back, but I’ll stay in here and read while you work.” 

AJ nodded, wiping their sticky cheeks and smiling a little wider, although their lips still trembled. “Thank you, Ezra. For everything, you really are my angel. And I’m going to need a lot of help.”    
“I know, my love,” Ezra soothed, kissing them one last time and running his hand over their thigh. “And I’m going to help you as much as I possibly can, I promise.” 

It took about another two hours for AJ to finish re-editing the pictures and setting up the queued posts on their social media, but Ezra was delighted to see that the only things they edited were some touch-ups on the lighting and the removal of the scars Gabriel had given them. They’d shown him every single picture before getting the posts ready, and he’d praised them over and over. Now, AJ was packing up, shutting down their laptop, and Ezra glanced over, still laying on his back with his book held in front of him. AJ hummed to themself happily, then wandered over to the bed, crawling onto it and over Ezra’s body. To his surprise, they ducked under his arms to lay their head on his chest, their body flopping down against his, their arms wrapped around him tightly. Chuckling, he set his book down out of the way and slid one hand into their beautiful red curls. 

“Hey, beautiful. You okay?” 

“Mm,” AJ hummed in response, letting out a contented sigh and nuzzling at his chest sleepily. “Thank you for helping me today, I feel a lot better. I’m not entirely happy with the pictures, but I trust you.” 

“You’re very welcome, and I’m so happy you trust me, my love. And I think as time goes on, you’ll get happier with them. I won’t stop telling you how much I love them, I know that,” he chuckled, and AJ smiled against his skin, giving him a little squeeze as his hand ran down their bare spine, fingers spreading over the small of their back. “I’m so proud of you.” 

“Thank you,” AJ said softly, and Ezra hummed in contentment, ruffling their hair lightly. 

Silence settled between them, happy and easy, their soft breathing the only sound in the room as they simply held each other, relaxing together and enjoying one another’s company after the ups and downs of the day. Ezra closed his eyes and smiled to himself, knowing that AJ was going to get better. He would make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
> I hope you enjoyed this one, the next one is a lot of fun imo so I'm excited about sharing it with you all. I hope you're all doing well and staying safe! ♡♡


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: brief explanation of tucking, sexual content (including penetrative vaginal sex), discussion of past sexual trauma.

AJ heard the front door click and ran down the hallway, giggling as they grabbed Ezra and hugged him tightly. 

"Guess what!" They squealed, and Ezra chuckled, scooping them up and kicking the door shut behind them as they laughed and grabbed onto his neck to hold him tightly. 

"Ezra!" They gasped, and he grinned, starting to walk toward the bedroom. 

"You're gonna have to tell me, I can't guess," he announced, nudging the bedroom door open and carrying them over to the bed. AJ buried their face in his neck, nuzzling his jaw as he squeezed them lightly. 

"Mm, first of all, I missed you," they purred, and he leaned down, gently laying them in bed and sitting down to take off his jeans and prosthesis. 

"Yeah? I missed you too, my love," Ezra answered happily, smiling as AJ scrambled up to lean against his back, rubbing his shoulders lightly. 

"Good. Also, I uploaded a video on youtube today and it already got like a few hundred views! I had people talking to me in the comments and everything," they said excitedly, and Ezra smiled wider, slipping his leg from the socket of his prosthesis and turning to kiss their cheek. 

"That's great, sweetheart! What was the video?" 

"I did a tutorial on how to make a basic gaff," AJ murmured, kissing his jaw lightly as he pulled the sleeves from his leg and sat back slightly. 

"Wait, what's a gaff?" He asked, and AJ shifted to sit beside him, too excited to stop themself from kissing his cheek. They couldn't keep their hands off him, they were too pleased with themself and happy that their future seemed to be getting closer and brighter. 

"It's what I was wearing during the photo shoot to hold my tuck. It’s a special piece of underwear to help flatten genitals and keep them in place while tucking," AJ answered simply, their hand sliding into his as he leaned into their side. 

"Ohh, okay, I know what you mean. That's really cool, sweetheart! Do I get to see?" Ezra smiled, and AJ nodded, getting up to get their laptop while Ezra pulled his shorts on. They found the video quickly and handed the computer to him, sitting down beside him as he pressed play.

"Oh, I love the editing, you've done a really good job," Ezra grinned, and AJ smiled, about ready to burst with pride. Instead of a voice over, AJ had obviously spent a huge amount of time on adding text over the video with instructions for each of the steps, and the shots they used were very detailed and specific. While it still looked homemade, it seemed like someone who knew how to sew should be able to follow it.

"I followed some tutorials on youtube on how to edit, and it really helped. And uh, you can skip through it if you want, the best part is the comments!" They announced, and Ezra paused the video, scrolling down to read through the comments and the short conversations AJ had had with people asking questions and seeking advice. 

"Sweetheart, this is so cool," Ezra murmured, glancing at them excitedly, his blue eyes wide and his smile almost as bright as AJ's. "I'm so proud of you, and I'm so glad you're enjoying yourself!" 

AJ blushed and nodded, leaning into him and hugging his arm as they rested their head on his shoulder. "I just like feeling like I'm helping people, y'know? It's really nice to know that other people out there will be able to learn to tuck safely much more easily than I did." 

"Yeah, I know what you mean. You're doing great, my love, and I'm so glad it's making you so happy," Ezra smiled, turning and pulling them into a quick kiss. AJ giggled softly and kissed him deeper, pulling him back in when he tried to break away. He melted into it immediately, his hands finding their cheeks, stroking over them slowly as they kissed him passionately, pouring all of their excitement and love into the contact, even gently tugging at a few of his soft curls. 

When they did eventually break away, they lingered, breathing a little heavier, their lips almost brushing his as they thought about what they had planned that evening. 

Anathema was out, and AJ was feeling frisky, which meant it was the perfect time for a romantic dinner and a chance for them to finally attempt to have penetrative sex. That thought sent a jolt of panic through AJ and they jumped up immediately, eyes wide. 

"Fuck! I forgot about dinner!" They cried, and bolted out of the room, skidding to a stop in the kitchen and flinging the oven door open. They grabbed the oven gloves and reached in, pulling the rack out and groaning. The beef Wellington they'd put so much effort into making was black on top, smoking ever so slightly, and AJ was suddenly on the verge of tears. Their hands shook as they grabbed the tray, quickly putting it on the hob and shutting the oven door before slipping one hand out of the oven gloves. AJ tried to peel the layers of burnt pastry away, tears pricking at their eyes, just as they heard Ezra’s crutches behind them. 

They almost broke down immediately, knowing that if dinner was ruined, so was the whole night they had planned, but they managed to keep it together as Ezra came up behind them. 

“Oh, you really did forget about dinner, didn’t you?” He chuckled, and AJ burst into tears, Ezra’s hand hurriedly reaching up to stroke their back. “Oh! Magpie, I’m sorry, don’t cry! It’s okay, sweetheart, it’s okay,” he rushed out, setting one of his crutches aside to wrap his arm around them as they buried their face in their hands, their whole body beginning to tremble with despair and frustration. "It's just a bit crispy, we can take the pastry off and eat the rest. It's perfectly salvageable,” Ezra soothed, rubbing their side as they leaned into him, tears streaming down their cheeks and soaking their skin. “Come here, give me a hug, my love.”    
AJ turned gratefully, wrapping their arms around his neck and burying their face in his hair as he moved to lean back against the counter so he could safely set his other crutch aside, both his arms tight around their waist. 

“I-I’m sorry!” AJ gasped out, sniffling as they tried to stop crying, tried to remind themself that Ezra was right, that the dinner was still edible, even if it wasn’t perfect. 

“Don’t be sorry, love, it’s alright,” Ezra murmured, his voice calm and gentle, his tone soft as silk. “It looks and smells delicious. Come on, take some deep breaths. Let me go put my leg back on in a minute and I'll help you get it ready to serve, alright? You're a great cook, sweetheart, you were just a little distracted by your exciting day, and that’s okay." 

AJ managed a shaky nod, forcing themself to relax and calm down, listening to Ezra's gentle words as the tears slowed and their hands finally stopped shaking. They didn't want him to think they were a drama queen like everyone else did, even after they'd been together for so long, so they simply clung to him and tried not to think about how their special plans had been ruined, or how the night was never going to be the same. 

After a few long moments of silence, Ezra gently pulled away and grabbed his crutches, hurrying off while AJ uncovered the mashed potatoes they'd made earlier and put them in the microwave to heat up. They were still shaking ever so slightly, but they did their best to ignore it, just hugging themself and waiting for Ezra to come back. 

About ten minutes later, AJ found themself sitting down across from Ezra at the table, their cheeks hot with shy embarrassment, his blue eyes soft and loving as he looked at them. 

“I’m sorry I’m such a disaster,” they mumbled, and he chuckled, shaking his head quickly. 

"Don’t be silly, we sorted it out, and it smells absolutely delicious, my love," he announced, picking up his knife and fork. "You’re not a disaster, everyone forgets about the oven sometimes. Let's eat before it gets cold, yeah?" 

AJ managed a small smile and picked up their own cutlery, looking down at the meal in front of them. They'd given themself a considerably smaller portion than Ezra, especially with the potatoes, but it still looked rather daunting, especially after their panic. They were still feeling a bit fragile, after all, but they just sighed and started to eat anyway. 

As they cut up their meat, AJ could tell Ezra was keeping an eye on them, but they didn't look up at him for fear of getting upset again. Instead, they simply focused on picking up the first bite, lifting the fork to their mouth. 

"Mm, AJ, this tastes lovely," Ezra said suddenly, and AJ looked at him at last, blushing again as they took their own bite and smiled. Ezra grinned at them, his gaze so fond and full of love, and AJ felt themself begin to truly relax at last. 

"You did a great job, sweetheart, thank you," Ezra added, really hammering the point home, and AJ swallowed their own bite, knowing he wasn't just being nice. 

"Thank you," they answered shyly, and he leaned across the table quickly, kissing their cheek before going back to his meal. AJ smiled to themself, remaining still for a moment before starting to eat again, comforted and, although not entirely happy, certainly feeling a lot better. 

By the time dinner was eaten and the dishes were done, however, AJ was back to feeling upset. Ezra had been so sweet about dinner, but they couldn't help feeling that the mood wasn't quite what they'd wanted. It didn't feel romantic, it just felt like a normal day, and they'd wanted it to be special. 

Ezra took their hand and walked them back to the bedroom, sitting down on the edge of the bed with them and wrapping his arm around their waist as they looked down at the floor. "I can tell you're still upset, AJ," he murmured, giving them a little squeeze as they sighed quietly. "It's not just about dinner, is it? What's wrong? You were so happy when I got home," Ezra asked gently, and AJ could feel his caring gaze on the side of their head, his other hand running through their hair. 

They sighed and leaned into him, their throat feeling tight as they tried to find the words. "I just...I wanted tonight to be special, I had...I had plans," they mumbled, and Ezra slid his hand down to their cheek, his thumb running under their eye. 

"Oh, sweetheart. It was still special, I promise. You made me such a lovely dinner, and it was so sweet." 

"I wanted it to be romantic," AJ protested quickly, feeling as if hands were closing around their throat, tears pricking at their eyes. "And I burnt it!" 

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Ezra soothed quickly, pulling them closer to him and stroking their cheek again as he kissed their forehead. "Every day I get to spend with you is romantic, my love. But what were these plans, hmm? Why did you want tonight to be special?" He pressed gently, and AJ sniffed, feeling the first tear spill and run down their skin. 

"I-if I tell you, it won't be special," they whined, and Ezra just sighed, brushing their tears away as they fell. 

"That's not true, magpie. And if you're...if you're thinking that you want to do something sexual, then we should talk about it anyway. Talking won't ruin the mood, I promise. It'll make it so much more intimate, we'll be able to have fun and both be on the same page, and I promise I will find you just as fucking unbearably sexy as I always do," he added with a chuckle, and AJ managed a tiny smile, nodding slightly. 

"I wanted to have sex...like...penetrative sex," they admitted in a tiny voice, and Ezra kissed their forehead again, then guided them into a gentle embrace. 

"I would love that, my sweetheart. As long as you're sure you want to do it, and you're not just trying to please me," he smiled, although his voice was firm. "I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything you don't feel one hundred percent ready for." 

AJ leaned into Ezra's chest, closing their eyes as all the stress of trying to make the evening romantic dropped away all in one go. Ezra was right - just spending time together was romantic enough, especially after he'd been so sweet to them, so gentle. Smiling as they realised they wanted him more than they ever had, AJ gave Ezra a light little squeeze. 

"I really, really want to do this, I promise. I've been thinking about it ever since you mentioned it and I really want to try it," they said quietly, their voice just as firm as Ezra's. "I love you so much, you're my sexy, handsome, loving partner, and I'm really excited to be with you this way. Last time we...did stuff, it was so great, and just  _ thinking _ about being inside you was...fucking amazing. I want to try it."

"Good, so do I," Ezra chuckled, then pulled away slowly and kissed them lightly. "Just one thing we have to talk about first...I uh...I lost my virginity to a cis man," he began softly, his smile fading, and AJ blinked, listening nervously. "It wasn't a good situation and it was...well, I made some stupid choices and some not great stuff happened, and I haven't had a penis inside me since. I just want you to know because I think I'll be okay, but it might be a bit difficult, so I'll probably need it to be nice and slow." 

AJ nodded emphatically, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "That's okay, I think I'll need it slow, too. It's all new to me, and I'm a bit nervous."

Ezra smiled lovingly and ran his hand over their thigh, his touch ever so gentle, fingertips skimming over them. "I'll guide you, don't worry. And because...because I'm not sure how I'll feel, I'd like to be on top, if that's alright. As in, I'd like to ride you." 

Blinking in surprise, AJ gave a small nod. "Okay, that's...that's fine. I've never really considered it before, but I'm sure it'll be great. I just...I love sex with you, you always make me feel so good and so safe," they murmured, and Ezra grinned, blue eyes full of love and admiration. 

"Good, that's exactly how it should be. Now you'd better be about to come here and kiss me," he chuckled, and AJ pounced, giggling as they quickly straddled his lap, cupping his face in their hands and just gazing down into his eyes for a moment before diving in to kiss him. Ezra smiled into it, but the kiss quickly became deep and passionate, AJ starting to feel their body tingling at the thought of what was to come. They couldn't wait to feel those new sensations, a little shiver running down their spine just as Ezra easily picked them up and, still kissing them, laid them on their back on the bed, his body over theirs, pressing against them. 

AJ giggled again, their fingers sliding up into Ezra's hair as he broke away briefly, flicking the main lights off and turning the strings of fairy lights on instead, before smiling down at them excitedly. 

"Can I touch you? I want to feel you," he murmured breathlessly, and AJ nodded, spreading their legs immediately and tugging him back into a kiss. His hand ran down over their stomach, and then he hesitated, pulling away from the kiss and sliding down their body. Surprised, AJ propped themself up on their elbows to watch, their eyes widening as Ezra ran his hands up the insides of their thighs, gently guiding their legs wider before sliding up to kiss right between them. AJ purred happily and gently gripped his hair, rocking their hips against his face and feeling him nuzzle at them eagerly. 

"Ohhh, Ezra!" They groaned softly, their head tipping back, but he was already climbing back up, ducking his head to bite down on their collarbone as his thigh came between their legs, rubbing up against them. Whining and trembling, AJ fumbled with his shirt, trying to tug it off desperately, their length already feeling hot as it filled out, their whole body on fire with need. 

"Ezra! P-please!" They cried out, and he sucked lightly, then bit down just a little harder before pulling away and tugging his shirt off himself. While he was undressing, AJ grabbed at the hem of their hoodie, quickly slipping it over their head and leaving their chest bare for Ezra. He grinned and ducked down, his lips finding AJ's nipple immediately, his tongue toying with their piercing as he rocked again, rubbing his thigh against their half-hard length. They moaned out happily, glad they didn't have to keep the noise down as Ezra's teeth grazed their sensitive little bud. Even if they'd wired their jaw shut, they wouldn't have been able to help from crying out. 

Trembling with pleasure, AJ grabbed at their sweatpants, tugging them down hurriedly and lifting their hips when Ezra pulled away from their chest to help them. 

"Shh, you're alright," he murmured soothingly as he tossed their trousers over the edge of the bed, moving back up to kiss them softly. "Take a deep breath, sweetheart. I've got you." 

AJ smiled up at him as he broke away, stroking his cheek slowly and relaxing into the mattress. "I know, angel. I trust you completely," they answered softly, and Ezra grinned, running his hand down their body to rub his fingertips against the base of their shaft through their underwear. 

"Yeah? Are you gonna be good for me, then? Are you gonna fill me up and show me just how much you love me?" He purred, sitting back slightly, and AJ whimpered, nodding hurriedly as they bit back a loud moan. 

"Y-yes! Ezra, please! I w-want you!" They begged shakily, and he leaned down again, nuzzling at their jaw lightly. 

"What a good little bird, telling me what you want," he purred, hooking his thumbs around the waistband of their underwear. "Are you nice and hard for me? Hmm? Has thinking about sliding inside me and making me open up around you made you fill out for me?" 

AJ whined softly, knowing they were falling apart under Ezra and loving every second, loving the fact that they could be so vulnerable with him. He knew just where to touch and kiss, just what to say to get them squirming and begging in no time, and they eagerly lifted their hips again, gasping as he tugged their underwear down and their length bobbed free, already aching. 

"Ezra! Ohh fuck! I'm so hard for you!" They squealed, and Ezra chuckled, sitting back to shed his jeans and underwear, leaving AJ desperate for attention and shivering in the cool air, their whole body feeling intensely hot. 

"Good, what a good sweetheart," he praised softly, and AJ felt a rush of pride as they looked up at him, smiling softly. They loved seeing him like this, his body bare for them, his confidence radiating off him. He just looked so sexy with that smile on his face, his hands on their sides, his body over theirs. They felt so ready to submit, more ready than they'd ever felt in their life, turned on by the thought of his strength and his gentleness combined. 

Biting their lip, AJ drew their knees up and let their legs fall open invitingly, watching hungrily as Ezra gazed at them, his fingers moving slowly and finding his cock, stroking his short length as he studied the sight in front of him. 

"You are so fucking beautiful and sexy," he growled, and AJ began to blush, their confidence growing as they slowly reached down and began to rub at their own base, their fingers moving in time with Ezra's. "I'm so fucking lucky," he chuckled, then leaned over them to open the bedside drawer, pulling out a condom. AJ smiled, nodding slightly as he held it up with a questioning look, and he opened it quickly. 

"Wanna see a trick?" He grinned, and AJ giggled shyly, biting their lip. 

"Maybe?" 

Ezra raised an eyebrow and slipped the condom out of the packet. He placed it on AJ's tip, then leaned down, rolling it down slightly with his fingers before closing his lips around their length. AJ gasped in shock, then moaned out shakily as he slid down, rolling the condom over them with his lips, easily taking them all the way into his throat. Their eyes rolled back in their head, their hips bucking, and Ezra pulled back, swirling his tongue around their head slowly. 

"Ahhh! Fuck!" AJ swore immediately, their fingers tangling in Ezra's hair, but he was already pulling away, looking rather smug. 

"I think I can tell that you rather liked my trick," he chuckled, and AJ relaxed, gazing up at him happily, their eyes half-lidded in pleasure and contentment. 

"I thought you didn't know anything about penises," they murmured, and he shrugged, gently laying their legs down flat before grabbing the lube from the bedside table and squirting some into his hand. 

"Mm, but it's still a fun trick with strap-ons," he pointed out with a smile, then shifted, moving to kneel over AJ's hips as his hand wrapped around them, gently smoothing the slick, cool lube over their length. "Do you feel ready?"

AJ blinked and nodded, suddenly feeling slightly anxious now that they were only seconds away from something completely new. "A bit nervous, but yes," they smiled shyly, and Ezra nodded, flashing them an answering smile. 

"That's okay. We'll start slow. How about you hold yourself so I can rub against you to start with? It feels nice to do a bit of frotting sometimes," he murmured, and AJ nodded, grabbing another pillow to put under their head before wrapping their hand around themself to hold them steady. 

Ezra nodded and leaned back, bracing his hands on the bed behind him as he rocked his hips against AJ. They moaned out immediately, watching with wide eyes as their tip rubbed against his hard little cock, then over his slick, hot folds and back up. After a couple rocks, Ezra went still, pulling a face. "Mm, can you do it? It's a bit uncomfortable for me," he admitted, and AJ nodded, smiling at him encouragingly as they began to move their shaft with their hand, biting back a moan as their tip caught on his entrance. "Mmm, you feel so good," they purred, gratified to see Ezra's uncomfortable expression already fading into one of pleasure as they rubbed themself against his cock. "So wet for me, angel," they went on, moaning softly and dragging down to his entrance again. Ezra angled his hips and they pressed against him, his moan happy, but a little strained. 

"Yes, AJ! Please!" He cried out, and AJ whimpered quietly, their tip slipping inside him with just a tiny movement of their hips. 

It didn't feel anything like a cock sleeve. 

Ezra was hot and slick, his passage twitching, clamping down around AJ's tip the way it always did around their fingers. They could even feel his heartbeat, his breathing, and they couldn't stop their eyes rolling back in their head, the gasp of surprise followed by a deep, heartfelt moan. It felt absolutely  _ incredible,  _ and the sound of Ezra whimpering above them certainly made it much, much better. AJ felt almost as if they could finish right there, barely an inch inside him, but Ezra had other plans. 

He lifted his hips, standing up slightly on his knees, then gasped and lost his balance, dropping onto AJ all in one go. AJ squealed out, grabbing at him shakily, their entire length engulfed, but only for a moment. Ezra was already climbing off them shakily, pain written all over his face, and AJ, struggling a bit through the haze of pleasure, scrambled to comfort him. 

"Angel! Are you okay?" They gasped, and Ezra gently batted their frantic hands away, flashing them a shaky smile. 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm okay! I just misjudged," he chuckled breathlessly, scooting over to sit on the edge of the bed, his chest heaving. "Fuck, that hurt," he muttered, and AJ moved to sit next to him, hugging him loosely. 

"I'm sorry, I-" 

"No, sweetheart, it wasn't anything you did. I just got a bit over eager. I thought you were smaller and I thought I was less tight. And I don't have much control when riding thanks to my leg," he sighed, and AJ began to rub slow circles into his back, leaning against his side. 

"Let's get your prosthesis off and get you comfortable, then," they said quickly, slipping off the bed and kneeling in front of him, their hands going to his leg before he could protest. Ezra sighed, but didn't say anything, so AJ smiled and kissed his knee, twisting the valve and slipping his prosthesis off carefully. Then they tugged the sleeves away as well and gently spread Ezra's legs, kissing halfway up the inside of one of his thighs before his hand landed in their hair. 

"I love your kisses, sweetheart, but I think I need to lay down for a minute and catch my breath," he admitted softly, and AJ pulled away immediately, nodding as they got up. 

"That's okay," they said hurriedly, climbing onto the bed again and gently helping Ezra lay down, leaning over him as soon as he was comfortable, one hand on his cheek. 

"I love you," AJ announced, gazing down into his soft blue eyes and relaxing slightly when he smiled. 

"I love you too, magpie. And I...I want to try again, with...with you on top," Ezra said softly, and AJ nodded, kissing the corner of his lips lightly. 

"Okay. Whatever you think you feel up to and whenever you feel ready," AJ murmured, and Ezra smiled a little wider, reaching up to stroke their hair slowly. 

"You, my love, are a treasure," he purred, and AJ giggled softly, feeling themself blushing already. 

"Mmm, so are you. And a snack, a snack I'd like to get a taste of," they flirted happily, and Ezra raised an eyebrow, then bent his knees and spread his legs. 

"Be my guest."

AJ didn't even hesitate, grinning as they kissed down his chest and stomach, a long line all the way down to his neatly trimmed mound. Ezra's fingers slid into their hair again, and AJ smiled to themself, just studying him for a moment before diving in, pressing their long tongue between his folds. A soft cry rewarded them and they dug deeper, curling against the top of his passage and thrusting slightly, lapping at him. Ezra shuddered underneath them, their fingers running up to his cock and stroking slowly, making him moan again as he bucked his hips. 

"Oh fuck, AJ! You're really fucking good at that!" He gasped, and AJ grinned, glad that they'd done plenty of research to touch up their skills before this milestone. They'd wanted to make him feel good any way they could, and they found that they rather liked lapping over his walls and swirling against his folds. After a few more deep moans, Ezra gently pulled AJ away from him, his hips rocking into the empty air. 

"AJ! Please, I want to try!" He gasped, and AJ gently spread his legs a little further, rubbing at the soft flesh on the inside of his thighs as they changed position. 

"Yeah? You want me inside you, angel? Nice and deep? You want me to fill you all the way up until you can feel me completely?" They purred, and Ezra nodded, his cheeks flushed, his wet lips parted ever so slightly. 

"Please," he whispered one last time, and AJ looked down, lining themself up carefully. As soon as they found his entrance, then began to press forward slowly, Ezra's shaky moan making them twitch against him before leaning over him, kissing him softly. 

"Shhh, angel. It's okay, tell me what to do," they murmured, pushing just a little deeper and rubbing over his stomach, trying to keep him relaxed and focused on them. 

"J-just really slow, please," he mumbled, and AJ nodded, stroking his hair soothingly. The feeling of him opening up for them, his heat slowly enveloping them, was almost too much, but they resisted their own pleasure, desperate to make sure Ezra was okay. He was trembling underneath them, so they leaned down and pulled him into a slow kiss, easing forward steadily, the kiss getting deeper as they slid further inside him, bit by bit, every centimetre sending waves of intense pleasure through AJ's entire body. 

And then Ezra broke the kiss to moan, his back arching, and the angle of his hips caused AJ to slip the rest of the way into him, their last inch sliding home until they were fully inside him, pressed up against the end of his passage with his folds against their base. 

"Ohh! Fuck!" Ezra cried, but this time, there was nothing in his tone but pure pleasure, his fingers scrabbling for a grip on AJ's back as they nearly collapsed with the sensation, a shudder running up their spine. 

"Ezra," they whimpered, flopping onto his chest and burying their face in his neck. "Feels so good," they mumbled, and he chuckled, hugging them tightly. 

"Good. I um...I need a minute, okay? Just like this, to get used to it, I feel a bit shaky," Ezra admitted, and AJ nuzzled at his neck, wrapping their own arms around him. 

"Mm? You need me to pull out?" They hummed distantly, and Ezra shook his head, stroking their hair slowly with one hand, the other running down to cup one of their ass cheeks. 

"Nah, I like you right here. It just...feels different, and I need to get used to it." 

"What's different about it?" AJ asked softly, caressing his ribs as they just lay there, enjoying the sensation of his passage around them, hot and organic and all  _ him.  _

"Well, I can...I can feel you twitch, every now and then," Ezra admitted, then moaned softly. "Mmm, there it is. It's so nice to be reminded it's you," he chuckled shyly, giving them a little squeeze before running his hand back up to their lower back. "And you feel really warm. It's  _ definitely _ not the same as a dildo." 

"So it's good different?" AJ smiled, shifting slightly and delighting in the way Ezra gasped and moaned, his passage clenching and sending pleasure running through AJ's body as well. 

"Christ, yes!" Ezra cried, turning his head to bury his face in AJ's hair. "Ohh, I never want to not have you inside me again," he mumbled, and AJ blushed, leaning back slightly and propping themself up on their elbows so they could see his face. 

"Well, I think you're doing so well," they praised softly, and Ezra smiled, his eyes still showing that little remainder of uncertainty. AJ took a slow breath and decided to lean into the praise angle, knowing that it always made them feel better, so it was likely to make Ezra more comfortable as well. "I'm so proud of you, taking all of me like this and trusting me," they murmured, stroking his cheek tenderly and smiling as his eyes slipped closed contentedly. "I'm so excited to be having sex with you like this, you feel so good. I could spend all night like this, just laying here inside you." 

Ezra opened his eyes again slowly, smiling once more, his face showing nothing but relaxed pleasure. "I'd like to try moving, just a bit," he admitted quietly, and AJ nodded, stroking his cheek again. 

"Okay, angel. Do you want me to kiss you?" 

"Yes please," Ezra answered quickly, nerves flashing in his expression again, and AJ shifted position once more, then drew him into the softest, most tender kiss they'd ever shared, pulling back just the smallest amount and sliding all the way back in. Ezra cried out in pleasure, his hips bucking, and AJ grunted with the effort of holding back their own moan, letting Ezra tip his head back and break the kiss. 

"Shhh, I've got you, angel, I'm here," AJ murmured softly, their voice low and a little strained, but Ezra was already grabbing at their hips. 

"Fuck! I n-need more, AJ, please!" 

AJ studied his face for a moment, allowing themself to enjoy the pleasure in his expression, then hesitantly pulled out about halfway before sliding home again. Ezra moaned out obscenely, his legs falling further open, and AJ let out a cry of their own, not expecting the slow glide through his passage to feel quite so amazing. They knew they wouldn't last long at all at this rate, but Ezra's hands were already guiding them into a slow rhythm, showing them how much to thrust, and AJ was lost in pleasure, moaning uncontrollably as they rocked. They could feel every inch of their length; hot, slick friction wrapping around them, stroking them, and, without warning, their orgasm hit them, slamming through their body and making them squeal. 

Instinctively, AJ pressed as deep into Ezra as they could get, rocking as they spilled into the condom, each spurt of cum making them moan again. Once they were fully spent, they simply collapsed, Ezra's arms around them as they fell onto his chest. 

"F-fuck," AJ whined softly, burying their face in his skin and going limp, half their length still inside him. As the fog of pleasure began to lift, AJ realised with a jolt of guilt that there was no way Ezra would have been able to finish. "Shit, I'm...I'm sorry," they began quickly, but Ezra was already chuckling softly, ruffling their hair. 

"Shhh, sweetheart. No one lasts long their first time inside someone. It's alright, no need to apologise. I'm just glad we managed it and you enjoyed yourself," he soothed, and AJ sighed, nuzzling his jaw sleepily. 

"Mmm, give me a second to rest, and I'll finish you," they mumbled, but Ezra just gave them a light squeeze. 

"You don't have to do that, love, I feel really good." 

"I know, but I want to," AJ said simply, rubbing his chest with one hand, their thumb stroking over his nipple. Ezra let out a soft, happy sigh, and AJ let their eyes slip closed, relaxing for a minute or two. 

As soon as they began to soften, however, they knew they had to get up, groaning as they slipped from him and stood up to take the condom off carefully, tying it expertly. 

They glanced back at Ezra, his legs still open, his folds glistening in the low light shed by the countless strings of fairy lights, and smiled to themself as an idea struck. Grabbing their underwear off the floor, they wiped themself off, then tossed the condom and walked back to the bed, rubbing one of Ezra's thighs. He opened one eye lazily and grinned up at them, making AJ giggle softly. 

"Hey, angel. Close your eyes, I have an idea," they murmured, and Ezra did as he was told, his hand briefly resting over theirs. 

"This better be as good as one of my surprises," he teased, and AJ laughed, walking over to his bluetooth speaker and turning it on. They found their phone on his desk and quickly started one of their set playlists running, humming along to the music as they turned it up just enough to disguise the sounds of them opening their drawers. 

Glancing back at Ezra to make sure he wasn't peeking, AJ reached into their top drawer and pulled out their favourite dildo, then grabbed a condom for good measure. They always cleaned their toys thoroughly, and this one hadn't been used in months, but it was better safe than sorry. Carefully, AJ rolled the condom onto the dildo, then walked back to the bed and took the bottle of lube from the bedside table. Following Ezra's lead from earlier, they smoothed plenty over the toy, then climbed up to kneel between their partner's legs, taking a moment to gaze down at him and admire his beautiful body. 

"Aren't you a perfect little angel for me?" AJ purred, and Ezra smiled, once again opening his legs as far as they would go. 

"Always, and only for you," he answered happily, and AJ melted inside, love welling up in their chest, along with the strong desire to make him feel as good as possible. 

They shifted slightly and gently rubbed the dildo against his folds, just like he'd told them to with their tip earlier. "Open your eyes," AJ murmured, and Ezra obeyed immediately, his eyes widening when he realised what was happening. 

"Oh Jesus  _ Christ, _ yes!" He cried, and AJ grinned, pressing it against his entrance and beginning to push it inside infuriatingly slowly. "Ahhh! AJ, please, I need it! Please, please! I want you to fuck me!" Ezra begged, his voice rising as he got more and more desperate, and AJ flicked their wrist, thrusting half of the dildo inside him all in one go. 

Ezra squealed in pleasure, his hips bucking, his whole body shuddering as he gasped out a plea for more. "F-fuck! H-harder!" 

AJ smirked and pulled the dildo out of him completely, chuckling as he swore and squirmed. They savored the moment for a few seconds, enjoying the fact that, for once, they could feel powerful during sex, then shifted to lay on the bed, pressing the dildo against Ezra once more. He rocked against it, begging incoherently, and AJ thrust it inside quickly, being careful with him and not filling him immediately, but still giving him what he wanted. Ezra cried out, but AJ was already going down on him, taking his cock into their mouth and suckling at it contentedly, easily picking up a quick, rough pace with the dildo and basking in the sounds of Ezra's squealed, shaky moans. 

His whole body shuddered over and over, rolling into the sensations as he moaned AJ's name endlessly, his fingers tangling in their hair and gripping on tightly. It seemed like only moments before Ezra was gasping out a warning, and AJ grinned around him as he came, his body jerking, his thighs trembling. His moans reached a crescendo, almost qualifying as a scream, and AJ swirled their tongue around him a few more times, rocking the dildo inside him until he stopped jerking and went still.

AJ slipped the dildo from him and began to lap at his folds, cleaning away the excess slick as he sighed happily, stroking their hair slowly. 

"AJ?" Ezra hummed after a moment, and AJ nosed at his cock for the last time, giving it a soft little kiss before climbing up to flop to the bed beside him, cuddling up to his side. 

"Yeah?" 

Ezra rolled over to face them, smiling dreamily as he stroked their cheek, pressing a kiss to the tip of their nose. "You are adorable and that's the best sex I have ever had in my life," he purred, and AJ blushed, moving closer to him and leaning in, hesitating only a centimetre or two from his lips. 

"Well, we'll just have to try harder next time," they grinned, and Ezra closed the gap, kissing them passionately, but more loving than lustful. AJ leaned into it eagerly, matching his pace and intensity easily, letting all their joy and love out as he tugged them closer, holding their body against his. 

Eventually, they both broke away and cuddled up to one another, sighing deeply. 

"We do need to get cleaned up," Ezra mumbled after a few minutes of happy silence, and AJ grunted agreement, but neither moved. 

"Fuck, I mean it," Ezra sighed, and AJ just giggled, pressing a kiss to his chest before hugging him tightly. 

"Mm, I know you do. Shower or bath?" 

"Should probably shower, really. And I wanna be quick so we can cuddle more," Ezra smiled, ruffling AJ's hair lightly as they pulled away and sat up, stretching sleepily. 

"I just wanna sleep for a week, that was exhausting," they chuckled, and Ezra ran his hand down their back lazily. 

"Mmm, it was. I can't be bothered to put my leg back on just to walk to the bathroom," he muttered, and AJ smiled, getting up to fetch his crutches. 

"You don't have to, do you, now get up, lazy," they giggled, poking his leg with one of them. Ezra rolled his eyes fondly and sat up, wincing ever so slightly. 

"I think trying to ride you did my back in," he chuckled, and AJ handed him the crutches, helping steady him as he got up. 

"Well, it's Saturday tomorrow, so we can lay in and do nothing all morning," they pointed out, and he smiled, kissing their cheek quickly.

"Very true. Now let's get this shower over and done with so I can cuddle you." 

Despite quite a bit of mucking around in the shower, with plenty of Ezra grabbing at AJ's backside and playful, gentle smacks on his shoulder as their retaliation, they both managed to get back into bed fairly quickly, driven by tiredness and the need to be close to one another. 

AJ pulled on a pair of panties and one of Ezra's baggier t-shirts that reached their mid-thigh, then helped Ezra with his shorts and crawled into bed with him. He laid down on his back, so AJ immediately snuggled up to his side, their head resting on his shoulder, tucked up against his neck with his arm around them loosely. 

"Ezra? Can I ask you something?" AJ mumbled after a short silence, and Ezra grunted softly. 

"Mhm." 

"What was your first time like? You...you don't have to tell me, I just...it doesn't sound like it was very nice."

Ezra sighed deeply and shifted, his arm tightening around AJ's waist. "Well...I...I knew this kid from school, way back before I came out, when I was seventeen. He um...threw this party, and there was alcohol. I...I was with a group of friends and they kept encouraging me to drink a-and telling me he was flirting with me," Ezra began slowly, his voice hesitant and a little thick. Worried that they knew where this story was going to end up, AJ pressed closer to him, wrapping their arm around him tightly. "He was um...from this rich family, his dad was in charge of the police station and his mum was from old money, so he...he had a lot of power at school. Um. I...look, I made bad choices, I got really drunk, I shouldn't have, I know that. And he um...he t-took me to his room and...and we had sex, and I...I don't know," Ezra murmured, trailing off shakily, just as AJ began to stroke his chest slowly, their heart sinking. They'd been right, but there was nothing triumphant about it whatsoever. 

"He raped you," they said flatly, and Ezra sighed, unconsciously pulling them closer. 

"I...it was a grey area, it's not like I...I wasn't attracted to him or anything, I just.." he choked, sounding close to tears. "Look, it's not like I was stuck on the street trying to survive, I wasn't forced, I was just a stupid kid who got drunk in the wrong place and flirted too much." 

AJ tensed, red flags popping up all over the place, and quickly sat up, grabbing at Ezra's hand as he looked at them, his eyes dull. "Ezra, I need you to listen carefully," AJ said firmly, their breath catching in their throat as emotions flooded through them - anger with this nameless man who had dared to hurt their angel, despair that Ezra had been damaged so young, and guilt that he would compare his trauma to theirs. "It wasn't a grey area, that was rape. And you can't blame yourself, okay? You didn't make stupid choices, he shouldn't have done that to you. Was he drunk?" 

Ezra's eyes glittered in the low light, swimming with tears as he shook his head slightly. AJ sniffed and leaned over him, stroking his cheeks slowly as they went on softly. 

"It's okay, angel. It's okay. But don't you dare try to do this stupid trauma Olympics thing, okay? I know my life was shit up until I met you, I know that I'm probably completely fucked up for life, but that doesn't mean that your trauma isn't valid, alright?" They said seriously, catching Ezra's tears as they spilled, his eyes fixed on theirs as if they were the only thing keeping him alive. "You don't need to downplay it to me. I'm so, so sorry that happened to you, and I am  _ so  _ proud of you for managing to reclaim yourself with me. I love you, Ezra. And I'm here for you, okay? As much as you are for me." 

Ezra nodded shakily, more tears running over his skin as he smiled sadly, his bottom lip wobbling slightly. "I l-love you too, AJ. Th-thank you so much," he whispered, and AJ just smiled, ignoring the tears pricking at their own eyes as they pulled him into a salty, slow kiss. 

Ezra gently guided them a little deeper, and AJ let out a soft sigh, following his lead and reminding themself that he was okay now, he was safe with them and he was going to be just fine. 

Eventually, their neck began to ache, and AJ slid back to the bed reluctantly, burying themself in Ezra's chest as he turned to hug them, and relaxing into his embrace. 

"Goodnight, sweetheart. Thank you for everything," Ezra murmured softly, his voice still a little thick, and AJ smiled against his skin sleepily. 

"Goodnight, angel. Thank you too." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!   
> I know this isn't really my usual update schedule, but I decided to update this today instead of YGKTD. I've had a bit of a sub par week and I'm suuuuper tired so I wanted to post this chapter because it makes me happy. So here you go lol I hope you enjoyed it!   
> ♡♡♡


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: discussion of previous sexual situations, mild sensory overload in crowds, transphobia while clothes shopping, some dysphoria.

AJ woke feeling well-rested and content, stifling a yawn as they rolled over to find Ezra beside them, still fast asleep. Knowing that he was a deep sleeper, AJ shifted closer to him and stroked their fingertips over his cheek, their chest warm with love as they simply gazed at him. As their brain began to emerge from their sleepy state, they remembered what had happened the night before and smiled, taking one of Ezra's hands and holding it lightly while they kept watching him. 

AJ couldn't quite believe how far they'd come, and the thought caused a wave of emotion to break over them, their eyes starting to sting as their throat closed up. Thanks to their relationship with Ezra, they'd gone from barely being able to be touched without panicking to having wonderful, loving, hot sex, even helping him with his own issues in the process. It was so overwhelming to realise all in one moment that they'd gone from being a sex worker who'd never had sex for love to being loved so utterly and profoundly, so trustingly that they'd been able to set everything else aside and enjoy intimacy with their partner. 

Even as their tears began to fall, AJ was smiling, their fingers lacing in Ezra's, their bottom lip wobbling slightly. Their heart beat faster in their chest, and they sniffed, trying not to start sobbing in case it woke Ezra. But everything was just too much - their pride and happiness and love all welling up and giving them only one way to cope. 

A soft sob made AJ's body shake, and Ezra began to stir, frowning as AJ squeezed his hand, trying unsuccessfully to stifle another sob. Blue eyes snapped open, blinking sleepily, and then, all of a sudden, AJ was wrapped up in a tight embrace, Ezra's hand on the back of their head. 

"AJ! What's wrong?" He gasped quickly, and they managed a shaky chuckle, gently pulling away from him and struggling to wipe their eyes. 

"I'm fine! I p-promise!" AJ choked out, and Ezra looked at them in confusion, still a bit slow from waking so abruptly. "I'm just happy! Really, really happy," AJ managed to explain, sniffling and smiling as more tears cascaded down their cheeks. "We had sex! I had sex, a-and I'm loved and I love you so much, and I'm j-just so happy!" 

Ezra laughed softly and pulled AJ back into his arms, relaxing as they cuddled up to him eagerly. "Oh, you soppy thing. You worried me," he murmured, but AJ could hear the emotion in his voice, matching theirs almost exactly. "But I'm happy too, I'm proud of both of us, and I understand why you're a bit overwhelmed." 

AJ just smiled to themself, burying their face in his neck and clinging to him gently as he rubbed their back slowly, soothingly. 

"I love you," they mumbled, and Ezra let out a soft, contented sigh. 

"Mhm. I love you too, my beautiful little bird," he murmured, and AJ stretched before pressing closer to him, tangling their legs with his and nuzzling his jaw. 

"I wanna stay here all day," they announced sleepily, and Ezra chuckled, rolling onto his back and pulling AJ with him, so they could curl up on top of him, their legs between his, their head tucked up under his chin. 

"Me too," he answered simply, and AJ pressed a lazy kiss to his chest, their arms slipping around him loosely. 

They could feel sleep rising again, lapping at the corners of their mind as they relaxed, so warm and safe and happy. Ezra began to rub their back slowly, and AJ knew it was game over, their eyes slipping closed, their body relaxing even further. 

When AJ next woke, it was to feel Ezra's hand on their shoulder, shaking them ever so gently. AJ grunted and tried to bat him away, but he just chuckled and ruffled their hair instead. 

"Sweetheart, you gotta wake up. I made breakfast," he murmured, and AJ forced their eyes open, gazing up into Ezra's loving smile. 

"What'd you make?" They mumbled sleepily, and he leaned down, kissing their forehead lightly. 

"Croissants with hot chocolate," he smiled, giving their elbow a gentle tug. "Come on, it's gonna get cold." 

"You made croissants? Doesn't that take hours?" AJ frowned, sitting up slowly and yawning as they swung their legs over the edge of the bed. 

Ezra just laughed, taking their hand as they stood up and kissing their cheek quickly. "No, sweetheart, I buy frozen ones that you have to bake." 

"Oh," AJ giggled, suddenly feeling a bit silly as they leaned into Ezra's chest. "That makes a lot more sense." 

He just snorted and kissed their cheek, then gently led them out of the room and into the kitchen. The table was laid already, a plate full of steaming-hot croissants in the middle, as well as two mugs of hot chocolate. AJ smiled to themself and sat down slowly, picking up their mug and wrapping both hands around it as Ezra took the chair across from them. 

"This is lovely, thank you, angel," AJ announced quickly, and Ezra just smiled, blowing them a kiss. 

"You're very welcome. I wanted us to have a special celebration breakfast." 

"Well, it's perfect," AJ grinned, taking a long sip from their mug before picking up one of the pastries and setting it on their plate. "Mm, delicious hot chocolate. Did you make it from scratch?" 

"Yep," Ezra answered shyly, and AJ nodded happily. 

"I can tell, it's so much better than powder." 

"Good. What d'you wanna do today, sweetheart?" He smiled, starting on his breakfast as AJ took another sip from their mug, considering his question. 

"Well, I had a comment on that video I posted asking whether I knew how to tailor dresses to fit flat chests, but I don't have any I haven't already adjusted," they shrugged, and Ezra tilted his head. 

"Let's go shopping, then. You haven't been out of the house for ages, it'll be a fun trip," he grinned, and AJ pulled a face, setting their mug down and starting to pick at their croissant. 

"I dunno, I usually do my shopping online," they sighed, and Ezra flashed them a bright smile. 

"So? It'll be fun, we can make a day of it and maybe get some more bath bombs, they have a Lush in town," he added enticingly, and AJ bit their lip, but couldn't keep themself from smiling. 

"I would really like to have another lovely bath with you," they admitted quietly, and Ezra nodded emphatically. 

"Good, that's settled. It'll be nice to do something different for a bit." 

AJ giggled and nodded, finally taking a bite of their pastry. "Okay, angel. Whatever you say," they teased, and he just rolled his eyes fondly. 

"Just eat your breakfast so we can go get you some cute clothes." 

AJ yawned, leaning their head on Ezra's shoulder. The movements of the bus were making them sleepy as usual, and they were sitting between the window and Ezra, protected on both sides. They never used to allow themself to even begin to feel sleepy on the bus, but they trusted Ezra to take care of them, his hand in theirs, fingers laced together. They were wearing another of his hoodies, the sleeve dangling over their other hand and making them feel so warm and safe, wrapped up in Ezra's scent. However, they'd still wanted to feel cute, so they'd slipped on a pair of black, nearly opaque tights and some denim shorts that barely poked out from under the hem of the hoodie, as well as some basic eye makeup. 

Ezra had told them they looked beautiful as they'd left the flat, and AJ had to admit, it had made them feel good. They still weren't used to his lovely compliments, and they had a feeling they never would be. 

"You okay, sweetheart?" Ezra murmured, his soft voice breaking through their thoughts and causing them to shift, nuzzling at his neck lightly. 

"Mm, just tired. I slept so well last night, it was the best sleep I've had in months, but you know when you get tired 'cause you're catching up? I think I have that," they answered quietly, and Ezra gave their hand a gentle squeeze. 

"That makes sense. Hopefully you'll sleep better from now on," he said optimistically, and AJ giggled softly, their thumb running over his. 

"Only if you start wearing me out like that on a regular basis," they grinned, loving the way Ezra's cheeks flushed almost immediately. 

"Would you...like that?" He asked hesitantly, not quite looking at them. AJ nodded, straightening up slightly, but keeping their upper arm pressed against his. 

"Yeah, I would. I'm...I'm still figuring out how much...wearing out I want for myself, but I really enjoyed last night and I definitely want it to happen again," they smiled, leaning over to kiss his cheek lightly. "And don't forget you promised me another nice bath." 

Ezra chuckled softly and reached over, quickly pressing the button for the bus to stop. "Of course, sweetheart. Come on, let's get off." 

As soon as AJ stepped off the bus into the street, they were overwhelmed with how busy it was, but Ezra just pulled them close, wrapping his arm around their waist. A little stunned, AJ pressed in closer to him, letting him lead them away from the bus stop. They'd been fairly isolated for about ten weeks, only really seeing a handful of people, and only one or two at a time, at that. The crowds seemed utterly overwhelming, making AJ's chest tight as they clung to Ezra, terrified they'd be separated from him. 

"Shhh, magpie. I'm not letting go," Ezra soothed, and AJ winced, hating the fact that he'd noticed how panicked they were. A blush of shame and embarrassment began to rise to their cheeks, but Ezra was already guiding them down a side street and just a few shop fronts along, ushering them through a small door before they could see where it was they were going into. 

Once they crossed the threshold, however, it became immediately apparent. Ezra had gently pushed them into Lush, his hand gracing the small of their back as he stepped into the shop behind them. Smiling to themself, AJ inhaled deeply, letting the lovely floral scents calm them in the relatively quiet shop. An employee came over to ask if they needed help, but Ezra managed to get rid of her with the maximum of both politeness and speed, then took AJ's elbow and led them over to the soaps to calm down even further. 

"Hey, you're okay," he murmured, taking down a bar of purple soap and placing it in their hand. "Smell that," he smiled, and AJ obeyed, the warm scent of lavender washing over them and rinsing away the last little dregs of panic. "I forgot that it would be overwhelming on a Saturday, we can go home straightaway if you need," Ezra said softly, rubbing AJ's shoulder as they turned the soap over in their hands, still sniffing at it and letting in more of that lovely smell. 

"I'm...I'm okay, it's alright. It just surprised me a bit, and I think it didn't help that I was sleepy," AJ sighed quietly, setting the soap back carefully. "I really want to go shopping, you got me all excited for it," they added with a small smile, and Ezra kissed their forehead quickly. 

"Good," he announced, then gestured towards the back of the store. "Those are all bath bombs over there, should we go look?" 

AJ nodded eagerly, following him over, but their smile faded as soon as they saw the price tags. "Angel, this place is really expensive," they breathed out, grabbing at his arm and tugging gently. 

"I know, sweetheart. But here's a little free tip," he chuckled, flashing them a smile that made them instantly feel much less on edge. "You can cut them in half and use them twice, it's a little bit less intense, but then it's half price, see?" 

AJ managed a soft laugh as he wiggled his eyebrows in a way that really shouldn't have been as adorable as it was. "Fine, but only a few. And you have to let me give you some money if we're sharing." 

"Okay, we'll figure it out when we get home," Ezra answered vaguely, then reached up and ruffled their hair slightly, careful not to muss it up too much. "Go on, pick some." 

AJ spent the next few minutes happily smelling the different products, giggling with Ezra and selecting a few of their favourites. They wandered around the shop for a bit longer, trying some moisturisers and eventually parting with some of their own cash for a small bar of soap. After buying it behind Ezra's back, they slipped it into the bag with the bath bombs he'd paid for and tried to ignore his protestations that he could have gotten it for them. Instead of answering, AJ took his hand and towed him out, thanking the employees on their way out. 

"AJ, I-" 

"Shush, I've been relying on men for everything for most of my life, I like feeling independent sometimes," they said quickly, adding a soft laugh so he didn't interpret their words as angry. "Come on, I wanna look at some dresses with you!" 

Ezra's face softened instantly and he nodded, squeezing AJ's hand as he laced their fingers together. "Good, I'm excited too," he chuckled, then smiled at them lovingly. "Where do you wanna go?" 

"Debenhams has a sale on, let's go there," AJ suggested with a slightly questioning tone, and Ezra simply nodded. 

"Okay, sweetheart. Lead the way." 

A short walk later, and AJ was already excited, buzzing as they hurried through the racks, finding the clearance section easily, as they'd developed a rather good nose for sniffing out discounts after years of being strapped for cash. Ezra had to jog to keep up, laughing softly as they finally stopped, starting to go through the clothes happily. 

"How are you so fast?" He grinned, walking up behind them and stroking his hands down their sides. AJ rolled their eyes and pushed him off gently, but couldn't keep the smile off their face as they pulled a dress out and looked it over before putting it back. 

"Can I look too?" Ezra asked more seriously, and AJ glanced at him in confusion. 

"What?" 

"I mean, for you," Ezra chuckled, grinning as AJ's confusion lifted and they gave a soft, slightly awkward laugh. 

"Yeah! Of course, sorry, I um...I got confused," they said softly, and Ezra nodded, moving down the racks slightly. 

"What size are you, my love?" 

"Anything from eight to twelve, it's really about the shoulders. But I can usually take stuff in easier than I can let it out," AJ answered, pulling another dress out and eyeing it critically before putting it back. 

"How about this one?" Ezra hummed, pulling out a short black dress with a little rounded white collar. 

"It's cute, but I already have a black dress, I don't really need another. I like colour," AJ smiled, pleasantly surprised at Ezra's taste. He didn't exactly dress like he knew much about fashion, but they knew that now they were feeling better, it was something they could start to work on with him. Especially if it was tied to his dysphoria, which AJ suspected to be the case. They were good at tailoring, exceptionally good if they were feeling confident about themself that day, and they knew it wouldn't be any trouble to make his clothes fit him much better, making his shape look more traditionally masculine. They tugged out a flowy pink dress with little polka dots, sleeveless and cinched at the waist before spilling into a pleated skirt. "Ezra?" 

He glanced over and sighed. "I dunno, sweetheart, it's a good shape, but it...it might look a bit young." 

"I'll try it," AJ shrugged, putting it over their arm and working further along the row. They could feel a woman across the rack staring at them, but they did their best to ignore her, hoping that if they didn't look, she'd lose interest. Besides, AJ felt safe with Ezra there, reminding themself of the altercation in the club a few months ago, when he'd sent that creepy guy packing. Ezra could take care of them. 

"Magpie?" 

AJ looked up, blinking at Ezra as he held up a long maxi dress with cami straps and an ombre blue colour, going from navy at the bust all the way down to almost white at the hem. "Ooh, I like that," they grinned, reaching out to feel the fabric, and Ezra smiled proudly. 

"There's other sizes, I think. I'll grab a couple," he announced, and AJ nodded, going back to looking themself. 

"Maybe it might actually be long enough for me," they commented, pulling another dress from the rail. It was a pretty yellow colour with a white flower print, a deep v neckline and little half sleeves that ended in cute ruffles. Their eyes widened and they smiled, turning to show it to Ezra. He looked up immediately and nodded. 

"Yes, you have to get that, it's adorable," he said quickly, then held it up in another size. "I was literally about to show it to you." 

AJ grinned, nodding and holding their hand out. "Is that a twelve? I can try it as well, just in case."

"Yep, let me take those," Ezra smiled, walking over and taking the dresses from them gently, draping them over his arm. "There, now you can look more easily," he pointed out, and AJ thanked him with a loving look, then went back to the rack, humming to themself quietly. They tugged out a fitted olive green dress with a high halter neck and went to put it back straightaway, but were stopped by Ezra's voice. 

"Oh, please try that on! You'll look so pretty!" 

AJ blinked and looked at the dress again, then sighed and shook their head. "It's too fitted, I'd look stupid." 

"I bet you'd look beautiful," Ezra murmured, moving closer to them and taking the dress from their unresisting hand. "I'll bet you...a fancy drink from Starbucks. If you hate it, I'll buy you one." 

"And if I don't?" AJ questioned, going along with the joke and raising one eyebrow. 

"Then you have to let me say 'I told you so,'" Ezra grinned, and AJ rolled their eyes, but they couldn't keep the smile off their face. 

"Fine, but you're going to buy me the fanciest, most froofy drink they make," AJ growled jokingly, and Ezra just nodded. 

"Sure I am. Come on, you need to try this all on." 

"Come in with me?" AJ asked quickly, letting Ezra lead them away from the sale racks towards the fitting room across the shop. 

"Of course, sweetheart. If that's what you want," he said simply, taking their spare hand and giving it a quick little squeeze. "I haven't been this excited about dresses in a long time." 

AJ laughed softly and ran their thumb over his knuckles, flashing him a happy smile. "Me neither, to be honest. I haven't gone shopping in a really long time, and it's going to be a lot more fun with you. You make me feel good." 

Blushing again, Ezra bumped his shoulder against theirs lightly, blue eyes full of softness and love. "I'm glad." 

They reached the fitting rooms, still hand in hand and happy, but the attendant standing outside frowned as soon as she saw them. 

"The men's fitting rooms are downstairs," she said sharply, and AJ froze, their heart dropping into their stomach, their throat tightening. 

"My partner here would feel more comfortable in the women's," Ezra answered calmly, his fingers tightening around AJ's as they started to panic, struggling to breathe all of a sudden. 

"I'm sorry, you have to use the men's," the attendant replied stubbornly, narrowing her eyes at Ezra, who gritted his teeth. 

"I don't accept that, I'm asking you nicely. My partner isn't a man, and they'd feel uncomfortable using the men's changing rooms," he repeated slowly, his icy calm making AJ shudder slightly. Although they hadn't seen him truly angry very often, they could tell pure rage was bubbling underneath the cool, confident exterior. 

"It's store policy, women only in the women's changing rooms." 

AJ could feel the tears pricking at their eyes, their hand shaking in Ezra's, and he glanced at them worriedly, then took a deep, slow breath. 

"So, if my partner isn't a man or a woman and you only allow women in the women's rooms, have you provided another separate changing room that they can use?" 

The attendant began to look pressured, her desperation slowly edging towards anger as Ezra glared at her. "No, he can use the men's." 

Ezra nearly exploded, AJ saw the way he twitched, and the attendant almost flinched. "I'd like to speak to your manager, please," he said slowly, deliberately, every word dripping with barely suppressed fury. "If you're telling me that it's store policy, then I'd like to inform your manager that the policy is blatantly transphobic and that I'm going to tell every single major news outlet I can find," he smiled sweetly, and the attendant nodded, looking a little relieved. 

"I'll call my manager up here." 

"Good, we'll wait," Ezra answered simply, then half turned to AJ, squeezing their hand tightly. Still very much on the verge of tears, AJ looked down, sniffling a bit as Ezra squeezed their arm. 

"It's okay, sweetheart, it's alright." 

"I...I w-wanna go home," AJ whimpered softly, and Ezra sighed, brushing their hair back from their face delicately. 

"Shhh, let's speak to this manager first, okay? Just in case." 

AJ managed a tiny nod, still trembling, hating themself, hating their body. At that moment, the only thing in the entire world they didn't hate was Ezra, so they clung to him, not looking at anyone, keeping their eyes cast down. 

Footsteps came hurrying towards them and AJ risked a quick glance up to see another woman wearing an employee badge and a worried expression. She was younger than the attendant, with pretty blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail, and a professional black dress that made her somehow look approachable. 

"I'm the manager, Marie. Is there something I can help you with?" She asked Ezra directly, and he gestured to the attendant angrily. 

"She won't let my partner use the fitting rooms they're most comfortable with," he snapped, giving AJ's hand a tiny squeeze. "She said that it's store policy to be overtly transphobic so I told her that I'd like to let you know that I'm planning to tell every news outlet I can," he went on, dropping the annoyed tone for a sugary sweet one. 

Marie's eyes widened and she shook her head quickly. "Oh, I'm very sorry, both of you. Please, use whichever changing rooms you wish, I'm afraid that Hannah here was mistaken. Store policy is to recommend that people use the fitting rooms on the same floor as the clothes they picked out, but we have no strict rules, and I can see that your partner has picked some beautiful dresses," she smiled, her gaze genuinely kind as she looked at AJ. "Go ahead, darling. Hannah, go to the checkout, please, I'm taking over for now." 

Ezra thanked Marie with a bright smile, gently leading AJ forward and down the hall into one of the cubicles. He slipped in after them and locked the door behind him, and AJ flopped down onto the little stool, their eyes filling with tears as their chest heaved. 

"Oh, sweetheart, it's okay," Ezra rushed out, gently taking the dresses from them and hanging them up on the rail before crouching down to take their hands. AJ stared at him shakily, forcing a wobbly smile as the first round of tears spilled over and ran down their cheeks. 

"I-I'm just a bit sh-shaken," they admitted quietly, and Ezra nodded, rubbing his thumbs over their knuckles. 

"I completely understand, my love. It's scary, I know. Take deep breaths, that's it. Unfortunately, there will always be people out there like that, but the people that matter love you and who you are, okay? You'll always be so beautiful to me, and I'll always stand right beside you, I promise." 

AJ took a few shuddering breaths, then surged forward and dragged Ezra into a kiss, their fingers spreading on his cheeks desperately as they felt his hands on their sides, stroking slowly and soothingly. He broke away first, gasping softly and chuckling as he wobbled. 

"Sorry, sweetheart, I'm not very steady like this," he murmured, and AJ managed a smile and a quiet little laugh, already starting to feel better. Ezra had defended them, like he always had and always would - they weren't alone anymore. Although the situation was shitty, it was nice to be reminded that they had someone on their side, someone who understood and would fight for them no matter what. 

"I love you," Ezra murmured, gently pulling AJ to their feet and catching them when they stumbled. Then he curled his fingers under the hem of their hoodie and lifted it over their head, snorting as they giggled and covered their chest automatically. 

"I love you too!" They grinned, their tears already forgotten, their body relaxing. With Ezra there, they felt confident in themself, as well as comforted and safe. It was so easy to let go of their fear and just lean into having fun with him, wriggling away with a laugh when he tried to undo their shorts. 

"Hey!" 

"Hey yourself, I'm trying to help here!" He protested, and AJ just rolled their eyes, crouching down to take their shoes off first. 

"I have a system," they said sharply, flashing him a smile to show they were joking as they shimmied their shorts off and kicked them away. Ezra blinked, then smiled, but AJ was still hung up on that momentary look of surprise. "What was that look about?"

"Your um...well, you're tucking. Is this...a regular thing for you now?" He asked gently, and AJ frowned, suddenly defensive. 

"Why?" 

"Oh, no reason!" Ezra said quickly, stepping closer to them and sliding his arm around their bare waist, his lips pressing to their cheek as they unconsciously leaned closer. "I'm just curious about it, that's all. And...well, with binding, you shouldn't wear a binder for more than eight hours, and sometimes I was careless about myself. I...is there anything I should know about tucking that might hurt you?" He murmured, his voice and expression sincere as he looked at them worriedly. 

AJ sighed and gave in, dropping their guard and flashing a small smile instead. "I mean, I shouldn't wear it all day, but there's no real set time. You...you don't mind about it, right?" 

"Of course not," Ezra soothed, sliding his hand up into their hair and smiling before kissing the corner of their lips softly. "I support you in whatever makes you feel better about your body, sweetheart. Well, anything that doesn't harm you, anyway," he murmured, and AJ nodded, pulling him into a quick hug before he could break away completely. He let out a soft sigh and just squeezed them tightly, humming as they buried their face in his neck and relaxed. 

Despite everything, they felt comfortable and happy, reassured all over again that Ezra was the perfect partner to take care of them through their dysphoria. Even if he didn't know everything about trans feminine people, he was willing to learn and be supportive of whatever AJ needed, and it was so nice to be reminded. 

"Come on, what's your favourite dress here? Let's start on a high," Ezra chuckled as soon as AJ began to pull away, and they smiled, blushing slightly as they picked up the yellow dress with the daisy print. Before they could even take it off the hanger, Ezra was gently taking it from them, unzipping the back and putting the hanger aside before holding the dress out for AJ to step into. 

AJ blushed, but thanked him softly and allowed him to help them pull the dress up, smiling to themself as he zipped the back up easily. 

"It's a bit big, maybe," he murmured, and AJ looked in the mirror, tilting their hips and smoothing the front of the dress down. 

"I think it's about right, see the sleeves?" They smiled, showing him how tight the sleeves were on their toned arms. "I can't really let them out, and any smaller than this, and they'd be uncomfortable. So if I get this one, I'd have to take it in, but it's not a big issue," they hummed, bunching up the fabric at the back to hold it tighter against their body. "I think it's adorable, though. What do-" 

"It's stunning," Ezra chuckled, sliding his arms around them from behind and kissing the back of their neck. "I love this colour on you, and you just look so pretty." 

AJ blushed immediately, biting their lip as they studied themself in the mirror. "I think it'll be an easy one to show people how to adjust darts, too," they hummed, and Ezra nuzzled at their jaw, giving their waist a gentle little squeeze before releasing them. 

"Good, sold. It's only eleven quid, too," he announced, unzipping the back and helping AJ out of it. 

"Oh, that is nice," they chuckled, stepping out of the dress and watching as Ezra put it back on the hanger for them. 

"Which one next?" He asked, hooking it over the back of the door so they'd know it was the one they wanted to buy. 

AJ tilted their head slightly, then pulled a face. "I don't really like that pink one anymore, it's too similar in pattern to the yellow and I like the yellow more. So maybe...the blue one?" 

Ezra nodded, taking it off the hanger and handing it over quickly. As soon as AJ slipped it on, they could tell they didn't like it, but since it had been one of Ezra's picks, they didn't dismiss it immediately. 

"I like the colour," they said slowly, and Ezra laughed, rubbing the small of their back lightly. 

"That means you hate it. I won't be offended, don't worry. It is pretty shapeless, and it's a shame to cover your body without showing it off a bit," he added with a cheeky grin, and AJ rolled their eyes fondly, taking the dress back off. 

"You need to keep it in your pants," they giggled, and Ezra just raised an eyebrow at them before hanging the dress back up. 

"Last but not least, it's time for you to lose a bet," he announced quietly, taking the green dress off the hanger and unzipping the back. AJ sighed, but didn't say anything, turning their back on the mirror. 

"AJ, sweetheart, you don't have to try it on if you really don't want to," Ezra said hurriedly, and they flashed him a small smile. 

"No, it's okay. I um...I just don't want to see it straightaway if it doesn't fit," they admitted. "It's just a...a thing with me." 

"Okay, as long as you're sure," Ezra nodded, and AJ smiled a little wider, stepping into the dress. He pulled it up around them carefully, doing up the zip and buttoning the almost turtleneck-like collar around their neck. The fabric was fairly stretchy, but strong, and it felt like being hugged all over, undeniably comfortable. 

Giving Ezra a brief joking glare, AJ turned slowly and bit the inside of their cheek hard. The dress was unlike anything they'd ever worn in their life. It was much more modest than what they were used to wearing, and yet, it was probably the sexiest thing they'd ever put on. It was the perfect colour to contrast their freckles and hair, highlighting those parts of themself that they loved. It made them look curvy, giving them a beautiful shape while seeming to flatten the little tummy they'd acquired over the past weeks. The only flaw was that it made their shoulders stand out quite a lot, but when AJ turned, the open back  _ definitely _ made up for it. They could feel Ezra's eyes on them, and they smiled happily, knowing this was the best bet they'd ever lost. Despite their dysphoria, the dress made their shoulders look beautiful and balanced them out with a much more traditionally feminine shape. 

AJ gave a little spin and giggled, unable to help themself, and Ezra caught their waist, pulling them into a brief kiss. 

"You have to get this, sweetheart. Please, I love it on you," he murmured, and AJ sighed, gently breaking away from him to take one last longing look in the mirror. 

But it just wasn't realistic. The dress was an event dress, a fancy dress for sophisticated restaurants, and AJ rarely went to events or restaurants more expensive than Nando's. 

"I'm going to get the other one, I'd never wear this one," they sighed, then kissed his cheek softly. "But you were right, angel." 

"Hmm, I didn't even need to say I told you so," Ezra murmured, taking the dress from them and checking the price before hanging it back up and helping AJ get dressed again. 

Once AJ was fully clothed, they gathered up all their things and followed Ezra out of the fitting rooms. Marie had gone, but a different attendant was waiting, and smiled at AJ brightly. 

"Hey, did you find everything you needed okay?" She asked in a friendly voice, seemingly genuine. AJ nodded shyly, handing back the dresses they didn't want. 

"Yes, thank you. I'm going to get this one," they answered, and she nodded enthusiastically. 

"Good choice! It really goes nicely with your skin tone," she smiled. "Let me know if you need anything else." 

"Thanks," AJ said simply, and let Ezra gently pull them out of the fitting rooms and towards the checkout desks. 

"Do you mind if I look at some shirts really quick? I saw some on the way in and I wanted to check the price," Ezra murmured as AJ grabbed his hand, lacing their fingers hurriedly. 

"You mean, while I get my dress?" 

"Yeah, if that's alright," Ezra smiled, squeezing their hand lightly. AJ glanced around, suddenly nervous, but took a deep breath and nodded. After all, they'd managed to make it through twenty four years of life without Ezra, so surely they could manage ten minutes to pay for their clothes.

"That's fine. Shall I wait here when I'm done?" They suggested, and Ezra nodded, giving them a quick kiss on the cheek. 

"Sure. I'll just be a few minutes, my love," he smiled, and hurried off. A bit uncertain, AJ just wandered over to the back of the line, looking down at their feet shyly. They could see a couple people looking at them again, and they suddenly felt very naked without Ezra there to glare at people until they looked away. He was good at staring back in a very unnerving fashion, but AJ was too shy to try that tactic. 

Eventually, the line moved up until it was AJ's turn, and they paid in cash from their clothes fund, thanking the cashier politely as he handed them their bag. As soon as they walked away from the counter, they spotted Ezra standing a few metres away near the escalator, holding a matching bag in his hands. 

AJ hurried over to him, smiling softly. "Hey! Did you get something?" They grinned, and Ezra nodded, giving them a smug look before slipping the olive green dress out of the bag. AJ's eyes widened and they stared at it in shock, then swallowed hard, ignoring the lump forming in their throat. 

"Ezra! You shouldn't have! How much was it?" They gasped, and he chuckled as they gathered it up in their hands, stroking their thumbs over the material. 

"I'm not falling for that one. Come on, it's another one of my little gifts, huh? Just...a bit bigger now we're together. It can be a celebration of last night. And I'll take you to a fancy restaurant sometime so you can wear it, alright?" 

AJ blushed, loving affection almost overwhelming them as they flung their arms around him, squeezing him tightly. "Thank you! You are so, so sweet! I couldn't have asked for a better partner," they rushed out, squeezing their eyes shut as they buried their face in his neck. "I wanna go home and cuddle as soon as possible!" 

"Good, me too," Ezra chuckled, his hand sliding into their hair and holding them so perfectly tightly. AJ let out a soft little sigh and just relaxed, smiling to themself contentedly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Double update today! :D  
> I hope you liked this chapter, they're doing so well together, and Ezra is doing so good at being supportive :)   
> <3<3


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: a lot of explicit secual content.

AJ crawled into bed and flopped down beside Ezra, letting out a deep, contented sigh as they buried their face in the pillow. He chuckled softly and put his book aside, rolling over to face them. 

"Hey. You okay there?" He murmured, and AJ nodded, shifting so they could see him, smiling at him lovingly. 

"Mmm, I just finished the video, I thought I'd take a break before editing." 

"Good, come here," Ezra grinned, and AJ giggled, shifting closer to him and cuddling up to his chest, clinging to him gently as he squeezed them firmly. 

"I love you, y'know," he murmured, and AJ just nodded. 

"I know," they teased, and Ezra sighed, stroking their back slowly. 

"Can I ask you something?" 

AJ pulled away from him carefully, guiding him onto his back and crawling up to lay on his chest, folding their arms under their chin with their legs between his. "Depends what it is," they grinned as he hugged them, then giggled softly when he rolled his eyes. 

"I'm being serious," Ezra chuckled, sliding his hand into their hair to play with their soft locks. "Why don't you do audio instructions instead of text on your videos? Is it voice dysphoria?" He asked gently, and AJ nodded, pulling a face. 

"Yeah, mine isn't really that bad. Like...mostly, I'm fine about it because I feel like my voice isn't that deep. But I don't want to have to listen to it over and over, y'know? Editing would just be such a pain in the ass." 

"I understand," Ezra smiled sadly, giving their hair a light ruffling before running his hands down to the small of their back. "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I was just curious." 

"It's fine," AJ said quickly, relaxing and flashing him a bright smile. "I don't mind talking to you about this stuff, because I know you'll understand. And besides, it feels nice to be able to talk about my dysphoria every now and then. The only friend I'd been even remotely close to before you was David and he's not really the 'talking about your feelings' type."

Ezra snorted, one of his hands massaging the small of AJ's back, the other stroking their cheek slowly and gently. "Definitely not. You know, there are apps that can change your voice, like the pitch of it," he added softly, and AJ nodded. 

"I might have a look into them at some point, I just haven't gotten around to it. Do you think the written instructions are bad, or..?" They asked hesitantly, and Ezra shook his head hurriedly. 

"No, sweetheart, I think they're great, all your videos are going to be superb," he soothed, his smile soft and genuine. "Now, why don't you come a bit closer so I can kiss you?" 

"I don't wanna move, I'm comfy," AJ pouted, and Ezra chuckled, his smile turning into a smirk. 

"I'll just have to give you some motivation, then," he grinned, both hands running down to AJ's backside and squeezing tightly. AJ gasped, then giggled, smacking his chest ever so lightly. 

"Naughty! You are a bad boy, Ezra Fell," they snorted, and his smirk only grew. 

"I have been a bad boy, so what are you going to do about it? Hmm?" He purred, his tones low and seductive, and despite his joking smile, making something stir in AJ. Or possibly it was  _ because _ he was joking around. 

"You know I didn't mean it like that!" They laughed, but Ezra's hands were already dipping a little lower, one of them rubbing between their thighs, right up near their backside. AJ felt his fingertips brush against their piercing and suddenly shot up to kiss him, giggling against his lips as they tugged him deeper, desperation turning to easy, slow passion. 

"Mm, you are horny today, huh?" They grinned as they pulled away, and Ezra blushed, but smiled back up at them. 

"I can't help it. Seeing you so beautiful in all those dresses and...well, thinking about last night," he chuckled shyly, and AJ shifted comfortably, looking down into those soft blue eyes. 

"Yeah? I thought sex was supposed to make you  _ less  _ horny," they teased, and Ezra shrugged, still massaging their backside as he leaned up to kiss them briefly. 

"I guess you bend the rules," he murmured, and AJ smiled, letting go of the teasing atmosphere and sinking into the love blossoming between them - passionate, delicate, contented love. 

"I guess so. You know, my love...it occurs to me that maybe we should be testing this, y'know? Another experiment for posterity." 

"Mhm, I think you're right," Ezra hummed, completely straight-faced. "I'd better get undressed." 

AJ rolled their eyes, sitting up and back to tug their hoodie over their head, letting the oversized garment fall to the floor, leaving their chest on full view. Still rather an expert in these things, AJ arched their back and stretched up, then took a deep breath in, and felt in the way Ezra shifted, heard in the way he breathed - it was having the desired effect. They'd gotten pretty good at showing off their body over the years, and it was finally paying off in something more valuable than money. 

"God, I want you to fuck me," Ezra muttered softly, his hands skimming over AJ's hips, where their low-slung sweats showed off a good slice of the skin just above their crotch, then up their sides slightly. AJ blushed immediately and bit their lip, just as Ezra quickly tugged his t-shirt off, tossing it out of the way. 

Grinning to themself and suddenly comfortable, AJ leaned down and caressed Ezra's stomach, feeling his soft fat under their palms and just marveling at how perfectly beautiful and huggable he was. And fuckable, some small part of them supplied hurriedly, and AJ giggled softly, ducking down to run their tongue up his chest, delighting in his quiet little gasp of surprised pleasure. 

"That feels so good," Ezra murmured softly, then narrowed his eyes slightly. "Hey, stick out your tongue for a second," he grinned, and AJ blinked at him in confusion, then did as they were told. Ezra's eyes widened. 

"Holy fuck that thing is huge! And like...oh God, I want that in me," he groaned, rocking up against AJ's weight and making them giggle shyly before stroking their hands up over his chest and to his cheeks. 

"I love hearing you so excited about being with me," they murmured, biting their lip softly. "But maybe...tone it down just a tad? Just for now, cause I'm not...I'm not so used to it." 

Ezra nodded quickly, concern washing over his face. "Are you okay? Did I make you uncomfortable?" 

"No, I'm fine," AJ assured him softly, flashing a bright smile. After all, they  _ were _ fine. It was just a little overwhelming all at once, and they knew that if Ezra kept talking like that, they were going to get uncomfortable. It was just so weird for AJ, to hear a man saying how excited he was to be fucked by them, rather than him constantly talking about how he wanted to 'jam his cock' in their ass. "I just don't want to get overwhelmed."

"Good, okay. Thank you for telling me," Ezra smiled, guiding them down into a brief kiss. "Is everything else okay?"

"Yeah, I'm loving this. I just love being with you," AJ murmured happily, going in for another kiss. "And I can't wait to fill you up," they added, their voice dropping slightly. They were used to dirty talk, but once again, only from the other side, and it felt awkward and odd. Ezra, however, was loving it. 

"I can't wait either," he purred in response, his cheeks flushed, his legs spreading slightly as AJ pressed their body against his more firmly. 

"Take your trousers off," they ordered softly, and Ezra's lips parted slightly, his hands immediately going to the waistband of his sweatpants. 

"I love it when you take charge, sweetheart," he encouraged with a bright smile, and AJ grinned, kicking their own sweatpants away and ducking down to kiss him while he struggled to get his trousers off. As soon as he'd managed it, AJ's hands went to his thighs, grabbing the backs of his legs and pushing them up towards his chest without breaking the kiss. Ezra gasped and moaned loudly against AJ's lips, rocking his hips up into empty air just as AJ ground down, pressing their already growing bulge into him, rubbing against him through both of their underwear and growling as he moaned again. 

"Good, that's it," AJ purred, and Ezra whimpered as they rocked again, slotting so easily against his body, like a key in a lock. They pressed into him, then bucked against him, shoving themself against him as they bit down lightly on his neck. Ezra cried out shamelessly, apparently incapable of having quiet sex - just the way AJ liked it. Although they had really only just discovered that it was a thing they liked. 

AJ shook the thoughts away and focused on the sensation, rolling their hips in a smooth, easy rhythm, their length filling out and nudging against Ezra, making him whine. He was already at the point of gasped, barely intelligible begging, and AJ had a feeling that he'd been rather...excited all day. 

They released his neck, smirking down at the slight red mark they'd left before shifting position, pinning Ezra's shoulders to the bed. He gazed up at them lovingly, then his eyes rolled back and he moaned out quietly as AJ began to rock again, practically fucking him through the double layer of fabric. 

"Ah-ahhh! I'm so wet! Please, please,  _ please _ fuck me!" Ezra groaned out shakily, and AJ grinned to themself, glancing down between them and seeing the huge wet patch on the front of Ezra's boxers, already soaking their own panties. 

"You really are desperate today, huh?" They chuckled, then hooked their thumbs under the waistband of his boxers and began to pull down slowly, easing them off his hips. "Unfortunately for you, I'm in the mood to take my time," AJ smirked, experimenting with a slightly more dominant role. They were quickly discovering that they loved seeing Ezra squirm, his face flushed and his whole body nothing but a vessel for desire and carnal pleasure. As AJ finally pulled his boxers down to his knees, Ezra gasped softly and wriggled slightly, then let AJ pull his underwear off completely before spreading his legs and grabbing the backs of his thighs, pulling them up to his chest. 

AJ couldn't help but grin, staring down at those desperately wet folds, glistening with need and arousal, his cock already hard and flushed. "Christ, you look like such a bottom right now," AJ laughed teasingly, tilting their head slightly as they just took in the sight in front of them, every last detail. Ezra just looked so sexy and ready to grab and fuck through the mattress, and AJ  _ wanted _ him. They wanted to feel his tight passage and hear his cries, they wanted to bury their face in his neck and cum into him, but first, they knew they had to make him work for it. At least a little bit. 

"I'm a switch," Ezra protested quickly, and AJ raised an eyebrow as he rushed to keep talking. "I can do both, I just-" 

They cut him off by pressing two fingers into his folds, nudging up against his entrance and causing him to cry out, rocking down against the intrusion. 

"I'm sorry, you were saying something about being a switch?" AJ smirked, and Ezra opened his mouth to reply, but AJ was already plunging those fingers inside him, making him shudder and moan again, his head tipping back sharply. 

"Ohhh! Fuck!" He groaned, and AJ just giggled, beginning to thrust their fingers ever so slowly. 

"That's what I thought," AJ chuckled, and Ezra just spread his legs even wider, squeezing AJ's fingers inside him. 

"Fuck you, and just fuck me already!" He laughed, but AJ was already leaning over him again, kissing him softly and slowly while they slid their fingers in and out of him, twisting them slightly for added sensation, their digits curling occasionally to rub against Ezra's sweet spot. 

He was soon in pieces underneath them, barely able to keep kissing them, his whole body trembling with need. "Please, sweetheart, please?" He pleaded again, and AJ nodded, sliding their fingers from him as the urge to take care of him overtook their desire to give him as much pleasure as possible. 

"Shhh, angel. I've got you. I'm gonna get a condom, okay?" 

Ezra nodded shakily, his eyelids fluttering as AJ got up awkwardly, shedding their underwear before digging around in their drawer to find a condom.

"Are you allergic to latex, my love?" They called out softly, and Ezra sighed heavily. 

"No, please, AJ," he whined, and they glanced at him worriedly, snatching a condom from the drawer and hurrying back to the bed.

"Are you okay? You seem really needy," AJ asked gently as they climbed back onto the bed, and Ezra nodded, grabbing at their arm gently. 

"I'm fine, I get whiny on the bottom," he giggled, then gave their knee a light little smack. "Especially when you tease me so much!" 

"Guilty, your Honour," AJ chuckled, relieved as they leaned down to give Ezra a brief kiss. "I'll just have to give you what you need, huh?" They added, sitting back and tearing the foil packet open. Ezra's eyes widened with excitement, his legs opening again as he watched hungrily while AJ rolled the condom on. 

"I love you," he whispered, and AJ softened, smiling at him sweetly as they moved into position between his legs. 

"I love you too, angel," they murmured, then slid their hands up to the backs of his knees, pinning his legs right up against him before shifting their hips, pressing their sensitive tip up against his folds, nudging at him gently. Ezra's toes curled and he gasped, blue eyes wide with anticipation. 

"Can you pause after...after you're in? Like last time?" He said quickly, and AJ nodded, stroking their thumbs over his skin slowly. 

"Don't worry, angel. I'll give you all the time you need," they soothed before taking pity on him and beginning to push forward. Ezra's head flung back, his body shuddering as he let out a low groan. His hot, slick passage opened up around AJ, tight in its caresses, but so perfectly fitted, their length pressing into him as if it was coming home. Another moan from Ezra, but this one was different; less about pleasure and anticipation and more about simple  _ satisfaction.  _

"Ohhh, that feels good," he sighed happily as AJ moved a little faster, wincing at a twinge in one of their thighs. They slid the rest of the way in a little awkwardly, still gripping the backs of Ezra's knees, but he didn't seem to mind. His head had dropped back, his eyes had slipped closed, and he looked utterly relaxed. 

"You okay, angel?" AJ checked, and he just smiled ever so slightly. 

"Mmm, I'm perfect. You just...you feel so right inside me," he mumbled, and AJ shifted, letting go of his legs gently to lay down on his chest, their knuckles stroking over his cheek as they just studied his contented face for a moment. 

All the desperation had faded from the atmosphere, leaving only love and happiness and enjoyment of one another. AJ relaxed into the peaceful quiet, closing their eyes just as Ezra's arms slipped around them, holding tight. 

"This is really nice," AJ said softly, and Ezra nodded, one of his hands finding their hair as always. 

"It really is. We should do this more often. Just...just this," he sighed, and AJ smiled to themself, feeling Ezra's muscles tense as they twitched inside him. 

"Are you feeling okay?" They asked gently, and he nodded again, his voice soft and distant when he next spoke. 

"Yeah. I just...I still need a little more time to adjust. But it feels better than last time." 

"Good, and don't forget to tell me if that changes," AJ pressed quietly, and Ezra shifted ever so slightly, toying with their hair gently. 

"Mm, I won't, don't worry. I think I should be okay now, if we start slow." 

"You think or you know?" AJ prompted, starting to pull away from his arms carefully, looking down at him with what they hoped was a stern expression. Ezra just smiled. 

"I know, sweetheart. Thank you," he murmured, and they nodded, leaning down to kiss him again. His lips were so soft and warm, so perfect, they never wanted to pull away, and yet, as soon as they rolled their hips, he was moaning, his head tipping back, his hand in their hair tightening as he wrapped his legs around them. 

"Ohhhh, yeah. Just like that, please!" He groaned, and AJ took a few deep breaths, gliding out of him halfway before rocking back in slowly. Ezra gave a soft little gasp and gently grabbed at their back, clinging to them as they tried not to get overwhelmed so early. It was difficult, though, after so much foreplay and teasing - after all, the arousal was entirely mutual. 

Teeth gritted, AJ buried their face in Ezra's neck and began to rock in a rhythm, slowly increasing the length and pace of their thrusts, doing their best to focus on the way their muscles moved rather than the way Ezra's passage felt around them. They needed to last longer this time, they desperately wanted Ezra to finish, and soon they were fucking into him at a fair pace, his happy cries filling the room as his attempts to cling to their bare back left light scratches all over their skin. But AJ could only hold themself back for so long, and after a minute or two, it was becoming a huge struggle. Moaning out desperately, their mouth hanging open against Ezra's hot skin, AJ thrust again and again, their breaths heavy and in time with their movements, Ezra's moans sounding so much louder than everything else. 

Just knowing they were bringing him pleasure was dragging them dangerously close to the edge already, and AJ finally gave up the struggle. They slammed home one last time, making Ezra squeal in pleasure, then came with a loud groan, filling the condom and rocking slightly as their cock twitched inside him. A few seconds pressed up against the end of his passage, panting and collapsed and overwhelmed with pleasure, and then AJ was breaking away, ripping the condom off and tying it hurriedly. They wiped themself with their underwear, and were back on the bed before Ezra could even think of moving, diving down between his legs. 

"AJ! Sweetheart, you don't have to-" he tried, but AJ was already flicking their tongue against the tip of his cock, making him jerk and shudder in pleasure. All they could think about was Ezra's release, their tongue swirling around his cock, then trailing down. They hesitated for a moment, then took a deep breath and lapped around his entrance before plunging their tongue inside. Ezra bucked and moaned, his hand fitting in their hair instinctively, gently pressing them closer into him. 

More than willing, AJ reached deeper, lapping at his walls and pressuring his sweet spot as he groaned and rocked. "Ohhh, God, you're good at that!" Ezra praised softly, his voice low and full of pleasure. "It's that fucking tongue, I swear! My sexy, beautiful, loving partner has the tongue of a demon and they're using it exactly the right fucking way!" He gasped out, bucking again and then moaning when AJ hummed approvingly. 

They focused on the spots that seemed to make him moan the loudest, doing their best to learn on the job, one hand drifting up to rest on his lower stomach so their thumb could toy with his cock, rubbing against it lightly, teasingly. 

"Fuck! I love getting fucked by you, magpie! Jesus  _ Christ!  _ Tongue or...or anything else, you can f-fuck me any day you like!" Ezra cried out, and AJ pressed their tongue against his g-spot, their fingers teasing at his folds, gently pulling them apart to flick their tongue over his slick inner skin, swirling the tip around his entrance. Squealing, Ezra bucked and AJ shifted position, accidentally rubbing themself against the bed and realising, that, to their shock, they were already starting to get hard again. Ezra's words really were that powerful, rocking through them and making them feel in control and confident, sexy and beautiful. They rocked against the bed, hoping that a little more friction would be enough, moaning softly against him before digging their tongue in deep. 

Luckily, Ezra didn't seem to notice, too busy gasping for breath and tangling his shaking fingers in their hair, but AJ could feel their length filling out again, growing against their stomach. 

"Ahhh! AJ, please, please! I w-wanna cum for you! Please!" 

AJ groaned softly at the thought and pulled away suddenly, still rubbing at the head of his cock lightly. "You know all this talking is getting me hard again," they chuckled, and Ezra looked down at them in surprise, then grinned and suddenly turned over, moving with surprising speed onto his hands and knees, then pushing his chest down and his ass up. 

"You'd better fuck me again then, huh?" He smirked, and AJ groaned happily, giving his ass a gentle slap before grabbing at it, feeling how it filled out their hands so well, soft flesh pressed between their fingers. 

"Fuck, you're fucking hot," AJ muttered, then stroked their hand under him, just rocking their palm over his area while they reached over to grab a condom. It was just enough sensation to keep Ezra going without getting him any closer to his orgasm, and although he was already rocking desperately against their hand, they knew he wasn't going to get much out of it. 

"Ahhh, AJ!" Ezra whined, and they rolled their eyes fondly, taking their hand away to put the condom on, then shifting position and lining up, leaning over Ezra to shove him down. 

"Will you need a pause?" AJ asked gently, lightly pinning his shoulders to the bed, and Ezra shook his head. 

"I'm fine, fuck me already!" He cried out, and AJ chuckled, nudging their tip against his entrance and pressing in slightly before sliding in all in one go, making him squeal out, his back arching as he tried to get AJ deeper inside him, despite the fact that he was full and AJ had no more to give. 

"Shhh, angel. I've got you," AJ murmured, once again shocked at how good he felt, their hands finding his ass and massaging lightly, squeezing his flesh. They leaned over him, rubbing at his ribs as he buried his face in the pillow, his passage tightening around AJ desperately. "Shhh, breathe for a minute," they soothed, stroking his hair slowly as he shuddered, pressing back against them. They'd never seen anyone quite so...lost in sex before, and it was worrying them, scared that he was going to suddenly get overwhelmed or that they were giving him too much. 

Ezra shifted slightly, lifting his head and looking back at AJ, his eyes cloudy with pleasure and desire. "Sweetheart, I'm okay, I promise. I just get very caught up." 

"Are you sure? I...I'm a bit worried," AJ admitted quietly, and Ezra's eyelids fluttered, a soft moan slipping from his lips as they twitched inside him slightly. 

"Mmm, yeah. I promise. If something goes wrong or I don't feel good, I'll still be able to tell you," he smiled shakily, and AJ nodded, kissing his back softly before sitting back. 

"Alright. Hold on tight," they chuckled, and Ezra laughed, then cried out when AJ pulled out nearly all the way and slammed back in, shoving his head into the pillow simultaneously. 

A shudder ran up the entirety of his body, and AJ picked up a quick, fluid pace, gliding in and out of him in long strokes. Ezra immediately went to pieces again, a limp, moaning mess under them, but now that AJ could be certain that he wasn't hurt, they could actually enjoy him losing himself. After about half a minute, Ezra lost the ability to form sentences, and another thirty seconds later, he was no longer able to articulate words. 

When AJ bent over him slightly and leaned down to stroke his cock, Ezra suddenly went very stiff, his back arching, his passage clenching as his fists balled in the sheets. He choked on a moan, his legs shaking as he rocked himself slowly, riding out his orgasm with AJ still firmly lodged inside him. They stroked his back slowly, praising him softly as he went limp, gasping for air, his face flushed bright red. His heartbeat throbbed, quick and heavy inside him, his muscles still fluttering around AJ's length, his passage so hot and slick. 

Their mouth dry, AJ shifted position slightly and Ezra's breath hitched, a soft groan spilling from him all at once, and they winced, deciding that he was over-sensitive and they should probably just pull out. As they went to slide out of him, however, he quickly pushed back, whining desperately and taking all of AJ back inside. 

With that clear an invitation, AJ knew they couldn't refuse, especially since their length was still achingly hard. They took a deep breath, then, deciding that Ezra thrived on roughness, grabbed at his hips, dragging them up more and guiding his back to arch just before thrusting for the first time, hard enough to make him grunt. 

AJ grinned to themself and really began to pound into him, thinking back to the way they'd used to stroke themself with silicone toys and biting their lip. This was so, so much better than any toy. 

Ezra's passage felt almost like a milking device, always clenching around them, always tight and inviting. And, of course, there were the moans - the constant reminder that they were causing him pleasure as well, that they were making their loving, perfect partner feel so good he could barely rub two brain cells together. 

Already breathing heavily after just a couple of minutes, AJ gripped Ezra's hips tighter, then began to adjust their angle, trying to push down to hit his g-spot, not quite sure if they could actually manage a second orgasm, but damned sure that they would try their best to fuck Ezra into one. A brief respite to adjust Ezra's position had them both trembling, but as AJ resumed their movements, they shifted so they were a little higher, angling themself into Ezra and thrusting hard. 

He moaned out their name loud enough to make the walls shake, his whole body nothing but jelly now as AJ focused on his sensation, still adjusting their angle and fucking into him as hard and fast as they could manage. And then they hit just right, slamming against Ezra's g-spot on their way in, and he was screaming, spilling all over them as he came, showering their hips in ejaculate. The movements of his muscles around them as he writhed and shook was too much for AJ, sending them headfirst into an unexpected orgasm. They cried out and bucked, and Ezra squealed again, his body jerking as he came for the third time, and AJ pulled out sharply, gasping and over-sensitive, their whole body trembling as they collapsed against Ezra's back, sticky with both their cum and completely, utterly exhausted. 

"I think we might need to wash the sheets," they mumbled after a minute or two, after the throbbing had died down and they'd gotten their breath back enough to speak. "Did you cum twice?" 

"Mmm," Ezra hummed, sounding even more exhausted than AJ. "You fucked me into consecutive orgasms," he muttered sleepily. "I'm the only one who's ever managed that before.  _ And _ you made me squirt again.." 

AJ chuckled triumphantly and leaned forward a bit, feeling their sensitive length brush against Ezra's backside as they nuzzled at his jaw lightly. 

"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. But I recommend that we go shower ASAP before we get glued together."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!   
> I'm sorry for the brief hiatus, I didn't have the energy to update while with family for the past week, so I'm doing my best to catch up now! I hope you all had great holidays and will have a lovely NYE!   
> Also! I'm running a charity zine and pre-orders open on the 1st, if you want more info, go to the twitter account @GOWinterWonder! ♡


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: brief mention of a bad coming out experience, mild disordered eating behaviour, dysphoria.

About half an hour later, AJ collapsed into fresh sheets, purring as they felt Ezra crawling in with them, and chuckling as he wrapped his arm around their waist. It had taken quite a bit of effort to get them both showered and the bedclothes changed while they were both still shaky with pleasure, but now they could finally relax. 

AJ smiled to themself as Ezra curled his body around theirs, his face buried in the back of their neck, his arms tight around them. 

"Thank you, sweetheart. For everything, you make me feel so good about myself," Ezra mumbled sleepily, and AJ turned over in his arms, burying their face in his chest as he hugged them again. 

"I'm just returning the favour, angel. You sound exhausted, maybe you should try to take a nap," they suggested, their voice muffled by his chest. "We have to go out to dinner later." 

"Fuck, I forgot about that," Ezra chuckled, pressing a kiss to the top of AJ's head. "I love you." 

"I love you too," AJ answered simply, smiling to themself contentedly as they relaxed into Ezra's grasp, his hand running up and down their back slowly. Eventually, though, the strokes lost their rhythm, then went still altogether, and AJ sighed as they felt Ezra slipping off into a deep sleep. They wanted to follow him, but they also knew that if they slept now, they'd still feel groggy by the time they had to leave for their dinner with Lizzy and Anathema. AJ hadn't seen Lizzy since before she'd changed her name, so they were rather excited about the whole thing, especially since it was a celebration of her moving into the apartment with Anathema. Although they loved Ezra and felt that he understood most things they went through, at the end of the day, he was still a man and they were...well, more woman-aligned. He couldn't understand everything, no matter how hard he tried, and the prospect of spending more time with another trans feminine person their age was making AJ feel buzzy, despite their exhaustion. 

Thoughtfully, AJ nuzzled up to Ezra again, pressing kisses to his jaw before gently pulling away from him. He grunted, but didn't wake up, so AJ slipped out from under his arm completely, sitting on the edge of the bed for a moment. 

Then they got up slowly and walked over to the desk, starting to get out their makeup and sitting down to get to work. As they prepped their face, AJ thought about their nails, so visible in the mirror, and sighed. Ever since that first time their mother had told the nurses to cut them in the hospital, they'd kept them short, just because it was easier while they didn't have the energy to do anything about them. But now, they had another reason to keep them short. 

AJ glanced behind them at Ezra, smiling to themself as they began to smooth BB cream over their skin. Maybe they'd have to borrow the lesbian look and just keep a couple short on their right hand. Humming to themself softly, AJ made a mental note to ask Ezra what he thought and took a deep breath to focus before picking up their eyeliner. 

It was therapeutic, in so many ways, doing their makeup again. When they'd done the little photoshoot with Ezra, it had been the first time they'd felt like themself for weeks, and today was no exception. It just felt right, like they were presenting themself as they truly were. And it reminded them that they really  _ were _ free now. They did their makeup for themself, no one else. 

As soon as their eyeliner was done, AJ turned their attention to their eyeshadow, deciding to go for a light gold. They had about ten different shades of gold in their eyeshadow bag, but it didn't take them long to find a nice bright one that would go nicely with their new yellow dress. After a few minutes, Ezra stirred, and AJ turned to check on him, smiling to themself as he went still again. 

"Angel," they murmured softly, shaking their head fondly before turning back to what they were doing, love sitting warm in their stomach. Their mind wandered for a bit, drifting off into the clouds while they kept working at their makeup, getting the eyeshadow even before moving on to their lipstick. Ezra grunted again, sounding somewhat upset, so AJ put down the lipstick and got up, walking over to him slowly. They sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned over, stroking the backs of their fingers down his cheek. 

"It's alright, angel. I'm right here," AJ announced very softly, smiling to themself as he seemed to relax, the tension in his face fading as he slipped back into a deeper sleep. "That's it. I love you, y'know," AJ sighed happily, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead and just gazing down at him for a moment. 

It was almost hard to believe now, that they'd met him working behind the bar, that they'd taken so long to really get going. They were so used to having him around that it felt weird to think about the fact that they weren't born knowing him. AJ chuckled softly and stroked that fluffy hair happily, kissing his forehead one last time before getting up to finish their makeup. As they sank back into the desk chair, they still couldn't stop smiling to themself, glancing at the sleeping form of Ezra in the mirror every so often. 

Eventually, AJ moved on to getting dressed, slipping the yellow dress on and giving a little twirl. The alterations they'd made looked great, and they couldn't find anything else to adjust, so they left it on and hummed as they opened their jewelry box. Most of it was fairly tacky stage stuff, but they found what they were looking for and pulled it out carefully, holding up the pair of golden umbrella earrings they'd made to prove a point so many months ago. AJ swapped their plain studs for the hoop earrings and hummed to themself contentedly, getting up to find a pair of shoes to go with it. Their PT had given the go-ahead for them to wear heels no taller than an inch and a half, so they tugged out a pair of plain yellow suede pumps with a small heel, nodding to themself as they slipped them on and checked in the mirror. Their outfit was perfect, only an hour ahead of schedule, so they took a slow breath and sat down at the desk to start working on editing their video. They lost track of time very quickly, but after a while, they heard Ezra stirring, then waking with a deep sigh. 

"Hey angel," AJ murmured without looking up from their laptop. "Feeling better?" 

"Much," Ezra mumbled sleepily, and AJ heard the telltale click of him fitting his prosthesis. A moment later, his hands slid over their shoulders, squeezing gently, rubbing with his thumbs. "What're you up to, my love?" 

"Editing," AJ answered simply, and Ezra ran his fingers up into their hair, playing with it gently. 

"Guess what?" 

"What?" AJ smiled, warmth spreading through their chest. They could guess where this was going, and they desperately wanted to hear it. 

"I love you," Ezra chuckled, then gave one of their earrings the lightest little tug. "And I always love seeing these on you." 

"I love you too, and good. I like wearing them, they remind me of getting to know you," AJ hummed, leaning back in their chair and tilting their head back to look up at him. "I'm considering tucking again tonight." 

Ezra blinked in surprise, then carefully turned their chair around to face him. "Okay. Why...why are you saying that like you're asking me?" He pressed gently, and AJ sighed, giving a small shrug. 

"I don't know, I just...it feels weird. Like...it's really hard to explain, but it just feels like something I should be asking you. I...I don't want it to make you uncomfortable or anything." 

"Oh," Ezra said softly, then nodded and towed AJ's chair over to the bed so he could sit down again, his hands finding theirs as he stared at the floor. "Sorry, sweetheart, I'm trying to think how to word things," he mumbled after a moment, and AJ just swallowed and nodded, starting to feel a little shaky. Thoughts were racing through their mind, telling them that he'd think they were a freak, that he'd say he hated them tucking and that he never wanted them to do it again. 

Ezra sighed and AJ's attention snapped back to him as he finally lifted his gaze. "Magpie, listen to me very carefully, okay?" He murmured, and they nodded, eyes wide, their heart pounding in their chest. 

"O-okay," they half-whispered, and Ezra squeezed their hands tightly. 

"I know that you've spent your entire life up until now constantly belonging to someone else," he said slowly, carefully. "Your body and what you do with it has never really been your choice. But now we're in a relationship, that's a bit different, okay? Yes, there are some considerations about your partner's feelings in a relationship, but your body doesn't belong to me, alright? I think maybe sometimes you still don't...get the difference," he sighed, his thumbs rubbing over AJ's knuckles as they listened, trying to ignore the tearfulness welling up in their chest. "And that's okay, yeah?" He added hurriedly, looking up and flashing them a loving smile. "I'm here to help you with that. There are some things that it's nice to ask your partner about, but...I want to be really clear here - anything to do with your dysphoria, you don't  _ ever _ have to ask me for permission. Okay? As long as you're safe and not hurting yourself, I want you to do anything that makes your dysphoria better. It's probably a good thing to tell me you're tucking just in case, but there's no need to ask. Does that make sense?" 

AJ nodded, taking a slow, calming breath and managing a small smile. "Yeah, I understand. But...you.." they trailed off, then sighed and shook their head slightly. "You wouldn't mind if I...if I presented more feminine sometimes?" 

Ezra blinked, then chuckled softly and leaned forward to give them a quick kiss. "Before you, my love, the only relationships I had were with women. And even if I did mind - which I don't, at all, just for clarity's sake - it wouldn't matter. It's not up to me," he smiled, squeezing their hands again tightly. "And there's a difference between discussing things with me and asking me for permission, too. If you want to weigh pros and cons and just talk about what you might want, I'm here for that, alright? As long as the final decision is yours." 

AJ let out a soft breath and leaned forward, but Ezra was already moving as well, cupping their chin in one gentle hand as their lips met. Melting into it, AJ slid a hand into the hair on the back of Ezra's head and curled their fingers tightly, kissing him a little deeper just before he pulled away, gasping softly. 

"You're gonna ruin your lipstick," he chuckled, his cheeks on fire, and AJ just laughed and pecked his lips. 

"Mm, I know. I can always redo it," they murmured, and Ezra let out a soft little sigh, then stood up. 

"I have something to give you, but I have to find it, okay? You go back to editing for a minute." 

AJ rolled their eyes fondly, but got up, grabbing their gaff and a pair of panties from their drawer and kissing his cheek. "I'm gonna go sort myself out, okay? I'll be back." 

Ezra nodded, and AJ hurried to the bathroom to tuck, coming back a few minutes later to find Ezra waiting nervously, holding something they couldn't see in his hands. 

"Close your eyes," Ezra said quickly, and AJ blushed, closing their eyes immediately. 

"You're the king of surprises, y'know," they announced, and Ezra snorted. 

"Wow, thanks for all the pressure right at the last minute," he chuckled, walking around behind them. AJ jumped when something tickled their neck, and Ezra gave a soft little laugh, fastening the necklace around their neck and adjusting the pendant sitting just below their collarbone before letting his hands rest on their shoulders. "You can look now," he said quietly, his voice betraying his nerves, and AJ opened their eyes, hurrying to the desk and reaching for their mirror immediately. They held it up and gasped softly, their hand going to the delicate bird pendant, their fingertips stroking over the beautiful gold. 

"Oh, Ezra," they murmured shakily, and he blushed, his hand running over their back slowly. 

"Is it okay?" He asked nervously, and AJ laughed, quickly grabbing a tissue as the tears rose, welling up in their eyes. 

"Of course it is! It's absolutely beautiful, Ezra, thank you so much!" They rushed out, turning and flinging their arms around him, squeezing him tightly. 

"I love you so so much, Ezra!" 

He chuckled softly, relief in his voice as he buried his face in their hair and held them tightly. "I love you too, my beautiful little magpie," he murmured, and AJ pulled away quickly, dabbing at their eyes with the tissue so they wouldn't ruin their makeup. 

"You're too soppy!" They admonished jokingly, sniffling as Ezra smiled at them, his own eyes a little wet. 

"I know, but so are you," he pointed out, and AJ giggled, nodding emphatically and still trying to save their makeup. 

"I know, I know! And don't you ever stop," they grinned, hugging him again tightly and closing their eyes as they relaxed. Joy and love coursed through them, making their whole body feel hot and shaky in the best way. They'd never believed they could be loved like this, and yet, there they were, wrapped up in Ezra's arms, so seen and loved and cared for. He'd gotten them a beautiful, thoughtful, personal gift, and it was better than anything AJ had ever received in their life. Although it was small, it had a huge meaning for the both of them, and AJ knew that they'd always want to keep it resting against their chest - close to their heart. 

Then Ezra was gently, reluctantly pulling away, sighing softly as AJ let go of him and dabbed at their eyes one last time. 

"You're adorable, and you look absolutely beautiful, but I need to get dressed now," Ezra murmured apologetically, and AJ nodded, leaning in to kiss him quickly. 

"That's okay. Do you want me to leave, or..?" 

"No, you're fine," Ezra said simply, flashing them a loving look before turning away to slip his shirt off, walking towards the wardrobe. AJ sat back down in their chair, rubbing the bird pendant between their fingers as they watched him thoughtfully. 

"I haven't seen Lizzy in ages. When’s she fully moving in again? Tonight, right?" They hummed, tilting their head as Ezra began to look through the wardrobe for a suitable shirt. 

"Yeah, she’s spending the night here, and then moving the last of her stuff from her temporary place to here tomorrow," Ezra answered, then glanced at AJ before pulling out a light blue shirt. "I told you why she’s moving in, right?" 

AJ blinked in surprise and shook their head slightly. "No, you didn't, actually. I...I didn’t want to ask, Anathema seemed to be upset about it." 

"She came out to her parents while you were unconscious, and it didn’t really go well. She managed to get a temporary place, and Anathema has been putting some of her stuff in here, but we thought it would be best to wait until you’d settled in a bit more before making any big changes,” Ezra said quietly, slipping the shirt off the hanger and shrugging it on. "Which is why we wanted to go out for dinner, it felt like it would be nice to celebrate you getting better and Lizzy finally getting to be with her found family.." 

Feeling rather warm inside, AJ walked up behind Ezra and wrapped their arms around his waist, kissing the back of his shoulder through his shirt. “You’re really sweet, you know that? Thinking about me so much,” they murmured, and Ezra chuckled, turning to face them and cradling their jaw in one hand before gently guiding them down into a soft, brief kiss. 

“I love you, that’s why. You’re too damn loveable,” he teased, then gazed up at them for a moment before gently giving them a little push on their chest. “Go on, you’re distracting me, and we’re going to be late.”    
AJ rolled their eyes, but simply kissed his cheek and left the room quietly, humming to themself. They felt like they were walking on the bounciest, most beautiful cloud, brimming over with love for their partner and joy at being with him so intimately, yet so casually. Still smiling, AJ threw themself down on the sofa to wait, fiddling with their new necklace while scrolling through their social media idly. 

After a short while, AJ heard the bedroom door creak and looked up to see Ezra walking out, wearing his shirt with his usual dark brown slacks, navy suspenders, and his elbow patch jacket, which was beginning to look a little worn. 

“God, I love you,” AJ grinned, and Ezra blushed immediately, rolling his eyes as he leaned over the back of the couch to kiss their cheek. 

“I love you too, but get your ass up, we’re going to be late,” he pointed out, and AJ just smiled, doing as they were told and following him down the hall. When he paused to take his keys off the hook, AJ leaned forward hurriedly and grabbed his ass with both hands, giving it a good squeeze and causing him to let out a soft, adorable squeak. 

“Hey!” 

“You love it,” AJ growled happily, studying the blush that was already rising to his cheeks with significant satisfaction. Ezra just huffed a breath and opened the door quickly, gently grabbing AJ’s arm and pushing them through the doorway before him so they couldn’t do it again. Giggling to themself, AJ just wandered down the hall, unable to keep the smile off their face as Ezra jogged to catch up with them and took their hand, lacing their fingers. 

“I can’t wait to have a proper cuddle tonight, y’know,” he murmured, and AJ nodded, following him out of the building and into the fresh air, their hand tightening around his instinctively. 

“Me neither, you fell asleep far too fast today,” they complained, and Ezra chuckled, running his thumb over theirs slowly. 

“That’s what happens when you fuck me like an animal in heat,” he pointed out with a smirk, and AJ giggled, kissing his cheek hurriedly as they both blushed. 

“Whatever. It was worth it,” they said simply, and Ezra grinned, going silent for the rest of the walk to the bus stop. 

Once the bus finally showed up, it only took about ten minutes to get to the restaurant, and AJ was soon following Ezra inside, still clinging to his hand gently as he led them through the dining area. Anathema stood up and waved them over to a table in the corner, and Ezra squeezed AJ's hand, glancing back at them to make sure they were following. 

They flashed him a small smile and just followed him over to the table, feeling rather out of place in the restaurant, which was fancy enough to have actual cloth on the tables. As they walked over, Lizzy stood up as well, and AJ swallowed. 

She looked a little different than they'd expected, her hair down to her shoulders and slightly curly, with a beautiful sheen to it. Her eyes were framed with just a touch of mascara and eyeliner, her lips painted a very soft pink. And her smile was so stunning - so wide and confident. 

"Oh, AJ, you look great!" Lizzy grinned, and AJ blushed as she quickly pulled them into a tight hug. As close as they were, AJ could feel her chest against theirs, and it was easy to tell she was wearing a bra. Ezra had told AJ that Lizzy had started hormones not long after they'd gone to hospital, but they really hadn't expected such a difference. 

"So do you!" AJ answered quickly, and Lizzy gave them a gentle squeeze before breaking away and stepping back to let Anathema hug them instead. A little overwhelmed, AJ hugged back only briefly, and felt Ezra's hand on the small of their back, steadying them as they pulled away slightly too quickly. 

"Sorry, I just.." they mumbled, trailing off, and Anathema just nodded, flashing a sympathetic smile. 

"It's alright, AJ. You've been very isolated for a long time, it's understandable," she soothed, and Ezra gently guided them to sit down beside him, his hand finding theirs under the table. Lizzy sat across from them and AJ smiled at her, although something deep inside them felt off. Something about this whole situation was making them feel uncomfortable and upset, but they had no idea what it was or why it was happening, so they did their best to ignore it. After all, they were spending time with their friends and their partner, there was nothing that could be wrong. 

"I love this dress!" Lizzy announced, reaching for her glass of water as AJ tried to swallow the nameless emotion rising in their chest. "And Anathema told me about your videos, that's so cool!" 

AJ managed a smile, nodding slightly as they looked down. "Thanks," they mumbled, then lifted their gaze again slowly. "I really like your hair, it looks really good," they complimented quietly, and just looked at her for a moment, taking in the beautiful smoothness to her skin, the glow of happiness in her eyes and smile, even her movements. Her nails were done perfectly, and AJ suddenly felt ashamed of their own, curling their fingers to hide them instinctively. 

"So, how does it feel to be so outnumbered?" Anathema asked Ezra with a laugh, and AJ glanced at their partner, relaxing a little with the focus off them. 

"It's just the way I like it," he chuckled, looking at AJ and then leaning over to kiss their cheek. AJ blushed all over again, giggling softly and running their thumb over the back of his hand. 

"Yeah, sure. Pretending to be a top again, I see," they teased, and Anathema laughed, nodding as she elbowed Lizzy gently. 

"I told you! I said this ages ago, I knew that if you two got together, Ezra would immediately be the submissive one!" She grinned triumphantly, causing Ezra to blush bright red as he glared at AJ jokingly. 

"Now look what you've done," he said sharply, but he couldn't keep a straight face, the smile breaking through his fake anger. 

"It's not my fault that I'm just too much for you," AJ shrugged, and Lizzy snorted, nearly choking on her water. 

"Good answer," Anathema chuckled, and AJ smiled, giving Ezra's hand another squeeze as he just looked at them lovingly. 

"Oh! Look what Ezra got me!" AJ announced, and the conversation began to flow again easily, beginning with AJ showing off their new necklace and rambling on, until the waiter coming back reminded them all that they actually needed to make a decision. 

By the time they'd all finished eating, AJ was feeling much more relaxed, chatting to Lizzy about her nails and where she'd gotten them done. They admitted that they needed to have theirs done again, but that they were a little apprehensive about going by themself, but Lizzy immediately offered to take them, smiling at them brightly. 

"It would be so much fun! It would be great to have someone to go with, Anathema doesn't like getting hers done," Lizzy announced, gently taking AJ's hands and looking at them. "You have such beautiful hands, they always look great with long nails," she added, and AJ blushed, then bit their lip. 

"I might have to leave a couple short," they said quietly, but apparently not quietly enough. 

"Oh yeah, that's not a bad idea," Anathema cut in, smirking at Lizzy. "This one here is a pillow princess, so she doesn't have to worry about it." 

AJ giggled softly, glancing at Ezra and grinning as he blushed again. "I think you'd appreciate me keeping my nails short, hmm?" They purred, and he just rolled his eyes. 

"I'm not engaging in this, you guys are far too open about this." 

"It's girl talk, shut up, you're a man!" Anathema laughed, and Ezra gave her a Look. 

"I know I'm the only man here, but you're the only cis person," he pointed out meaningfully, and Anathema just grinned, shrugging. 

"So? I'm the token cis, just like you're the token man," she answered, and Ezra snorted, his eyes narrowing slightly, his blush intensifying. Although he was still joking around, AJ could tell there was an edge to his smile, his eyes changing ever so slightly, and they knew he was reaching his limit after being teased all through dinner as well. 

"Are you getting dessert, angel?" They interrupted softly, and Ezra looked at them, blinking as he changed his focus, trying to process the question. 

"You wanna share something?" He asked gently, and AJ swallowed hard, then shook their head slightly. 

"How about you get one of those hot drink and mini dessert options?" They suggested with a small smile. "I'll have a nice peppermint tea or something." 

"Alright, sweetheart, sounds like a good compromise," Ezra murmured, leaning a little closer to them. AJ closed the gap, their lips brushing, then connecting for just a heartbeat or two before they both pulled away, blushing in unison. 

"You guys are too fucking cute," Lizzy announced, and AJ giggled shyly, leaning their head on Ezra's shoulder as he let out a slow breath. 

"Thank you," he said simply, and AJ closed their eyes for a moment, relaxing into him and allowing themself to just focus in on and feel his body heat beside them. 

A moment later, the waiter came back over, and the last course was ordered, AJ keeping their head on Ezra's shoulder, their eyes closed. 

"Are you okay?" He asked softly, and they nodded sleepily, suddenly feeling incredibly tired. They straightened up anyway, stifling a yawn and feeling Ezra's hand slide over their thigh, stroking their skin through their dress. AJ smiled to themself and tried to focus on the conversation everyone else was having, but it was difficult. 

They not only felt tired, but that feeling they'd had at the beginning of the evening had come back as well. It was still nameless, but it made AJ feel even more tired. All they wanted to do was curl up in bed and sleep it off, possibly for a few days. The waiter came back, rescuing them from trying to look like they were following the conversation by giving them an excuse to be distracted. Anathema and Lizzy had both gotten a dessert each, and AJ suddenly felt very out of place with just their tea. 

Ezra's hand found their thigh again and AJ jumped slightly, still staring down into their cup as his hand stroked up and down slowly, completely comforting and not at all suggestive. AJ managed to relax somewhat, stirring some sugar into their tea and just focusing on the act, the way the sugar fell into the water, the minimal resistance when they began to stir. 

"Sweetheart," Ezra murmured, and AJ looked up, blushing when they saw Lizzy and Anathema talking. "Are you okay?" 

"Just tired," AJ lied, and Ezra nodded, scooping up a small spoonful of his molten lava cake and leaning towards them. AJ rolled their eyes, but couldn't help smiling slightly as the spoon neared their lips. 

"You are such a weirdo," AJ teased, taking the spoon from him quickly and putting it in their mouth, the wonderful flavour of the chocolate making them smile even wider as they handed the spoon back to Ezra. He kissed their cheek lightly, and AJ just decided to ignore their blush, going back to their tea quietly. They tried to tell themself that one bite wouldn't make a difference, that they deserved a tiny bit of enjoyment every now and then, but they still felt guilty, the feeling mixing with the already uncertain upset-ness in their stomach and making them very,  _ very  _ tired. 

AJ spent the rest of the evening just doing their best to appear fine, but it was hard work, and by the time they left the restaurant, hand in hand with Ezra, they were ready for bed. Anathema had offered to drive them home, but AJ had seen Ezra’s reluctance and had remembered that he’d been having nightmares again. He’d hesitated, and AJ had jumped in saying they had something to show him on the way home, with a quick little wink at their partner so he’d understand what they meant. It was enough for them that he’d seemed relieved, and they squeezed his hand tightly, gently starting to lead him towards the bus stop, although they still felt like they needed to sleep for a month.

Ezra was quiet all the way to the bus stop, but as soon as they were settled on the bus, he let out a soft sigh. "Thanks for taking the bus with me. But you’re...you're not okay, are you?" 

Sighing themself, AJ dropped their head onto his shoulder, getting comfortable the way they always did. "You’re welcome, and no, but I don't really want to talk about it right now, I’m sorry." 

"Okay. I just...is it something I did?" Ezra asked worriedly, and AJ shook their head sleepily. 

"No, it's not you," they murmured, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. Ezra nodded slightly and leaned his head against theirs, his thumb running back and forth over their knuckles.

By the time they finally got home, AJ was feeling more tired than ever, and as soon as they were in the flat, they made a beeline for the bedroom, starting to strip down as soon as they entered. Ezra followed more slowly, walking up behind them and unzipping their dress for them before starting to undress himself. He finished before AJ and slipped his shorts on, then just sat on the edge of the bed and watched while they took their makeup off. 

"I love you," he said quietly after a while, and AJ blinked in surprise, wiping away the last of their eyeliner. 

"I love you too," they answered simply, and heard the sounds of Ezra taking off his prosthesis. The bed creaked soon after and AJ quickly changed their earrings, then got up and went to the bathroom, taking one of Ezra's t-shirts with them. They slipped their panties off, then slowly eased the gaff off their hips, carefully letting everything slip back into place, gasping ever so softly at the feeling. Then they pulled their panties back up, slipped the shirt on, and headed back to the bedroom. 

Ezra was laying on his back, scrolling through something on his phone, so AJ tossed the gaff into the washing basket and just crawled into bed with him, feeling heavy and upset still. As soon as they settled beside him, Ezra put his phone away, rolling over to face them and kissing their forehead lightly. 

"What's going on?" He asked softly, and AJ sighed, the sudden realisation that they had no idea why they were upset choking them, everything rushing back at once, overwhelming them. They burst into tears, surprising themself as much as Ezra, who quickly drew them into a hug, his hand in their hair. 

"Oh, sweetheart, it's alright. I've got you," he soothed, squeezing them gently as they gratefully buried their face in his chest, crying softly while he just held them. "You wanna talk about it?" Ezra prompted after a minute or two, and AJ sighed heavily, sniffling and trying to take deep breaths as they gently pulled away from him. 

"I d-don't know why I'm upset!" They gasped shakily, and Ezra sighed, frowning sympathetically as he stroked their cheek slowly. 

"I understand, my love. That's always difficult, I know. Do you want to try to figure it out with me, or do you just want to try to get some sleep? I think maybe part of it is just tiredness," he murmured, and AJ closed their eyes against the tears, turning their head into his hand slightly. 

"I j-just wanna sleep," they choked out, and Ezra nodded, opening his arm out invitingly. 

"Come here, then. Come on, let me cuddle you. I know I'm not a top, but I can hug you, right?" He chuckled, and AJ managed a weak little smile at the joke, mostly amused by the fact that it made no sense. But Ezra was clearly trying desperately to cheer them up, so AJ just curled up against his chest once more, letting out a deep sigh as he turned off the lights and brought them closer into him. 

AJ pressed themself against his body, letting their legs tangle with his, his fingers in their hair. They closed their eyes again slowly, allowing themself to relax and focus on the rhythm of Ezra's breathing; calm and slow. Eventually, they began to match his deep, easy breaths, and were soon drifting off despite everything, slipping into a deep, comfortable sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
> Sorry it's been so long since my last update, I've been having a lot of struggles with my mental health lately and I've been stressed about my exams, but I'm nearly done with them now and so I'm going to try to get back to a regular schedule!   
> Anyway, I hope you all had a good New Year's and enjoyed this chapter, this is going to be the start of some more angst-y stuff :)   
> <3<3


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: very bad dysphoria, sexual content, difficulties having sex.

AJ glanced around, trying to figure out if they'd forgotten anything, then hurried out of the bedroom, smoothing down the front of their dress and biting their lip nervously while they waited for Lizzy to appear. 

Ezra was at work, as usual, but Lizzy and Anathema had both finished university for the summer. While Anathema had a part-time job, Lizzy was still looking for work, so she'd offered to take AJ out for a manicure, knowing they'd been a little lonely with Ezra gone. 

Unfortunately, after that dinner they'd had to celebrate Lizzy moving in, AJ wasn't sure how they'd feel spending time with her alone. It had been difficult enough in a group, although AJ still hadn't really been able to figure out why. They were certain it had something to do with Lizzy, but they were still hopeful that maybe it would be different when it was just the two of them. 

A moment later, the bedroom door down the hall opened and Lizzy slipped out, flashing AJ a bright smile as she hurried towards them. She looked beautiful, her hair glossy and falling in bouncy waves, her makeup subtle, but enhancing her already pretty features, and AJ had to swallow hard. 

That feeling was rising up again, unfamiliar and uncomfortable, but they tried to push it aside, annoyed with themself. After all, Lizzy had been nothing but kind and lovely to them, and they hated the fact that they felt so upset around her. It didn't make any sense. 

"Are you ready?" She asked with a smile, and AJ blushed, suddenly jerked back into the real world. 

"Oh...oh, yeah, of course," they said hurriedly, and Lizzy nodded, grabbing her keys off the hook. 

"Come on, then. Anathema lent me her car for the afternoon, are you okay with me driving?" She smiled, and AJ managed a soft 'yes,' already feeling awkward and uncomfortable in their body, like it wasn't quite the right size. "Are you okay?" 

"Just a bit nervous," AJ admitted quietly, following her out of the flat and down the hallway. "I used to get mine done by one of the other performers at the club, I haven't been to a proper shop before." 

"Oh, well, this isn't really a proper shop either," Lizzy chuckled, leading AJ around the corner to the car park and unlocking Anathema's car. "It's run by someone I met through Mrs. Tracy, so they're actually trans as well," she explained, getting in the car and waiting for AJ to sit down in the passenger seat before continuing. "They're nonbinary, like you, and they just do a bunch of beauty services for trans people, including waxing, nails, eyebrow threading, all that kind of stuff. But it's out of their house, so you have to make appointments, y'know? I keep telling Ezra he needs to go, he's a bit unkempt a lot of the time," Lizzy grinned, and AJ began to relax slightly. They could handle jokes about their partner, that was something they were perfectly used to, even if they usually joked around with him rather than someone else. 

"I kinda like it that way," AJ smirked, leaning their head back against the headrest as Lizzy pulled out of the tiny parking lot. "Adds some texture." 

Lizzy giggled and rolled her eyes, then glanced at AJ. "You're funny, y'know. I can see why Ezra likes you so much. I feel like we've never properly talked, at least...not like this." 

"Yeah, it's...it's nice," AJ smiled shyly, finding that that uncomfortable feeling had almost faded completely, leaving them confused and a little awkward, although it was getting easier. "Maybe I'll have to try this place for my waxing." 

"Oh? You get waxed?"

"Yeah, well...I um...I have to be pretty hairless for my job, y'know? I've had Ezra helping me shave lately because of my dysphoria, but I just...I've just been uh...trimming the intimate area because he likes it that way, but I prefer most of me to be waxed." 

Lizzy nodded thoughtfully, then glanced at them. "I never thought about that. Does hair change the grip on the pole?" 

"No, not unless you're really hairy," AJ giggled, then shrugged. "But it can catch, which hurts. And I was mostly referring to when I used to...take private clients," they added, already blushing again. "But I don't do that anymore, so as long as Ezra likes me the way I am, and it's comfortable for me, that's all that matters, y'know?" 

"Absolutely, that's a great outlook," Lizzy smiled, tapping her finger on the steering wheel in time with the song playing over the radio faintly. "And Ezra is a lovely guy, I'm sure he doesn't care what you do with your hair as long as you're happy."

"He tried to convince me to let my leg hair grow for a while, but I wasn't having it," AJ laughed, then let out a soft sigh. "He got sick of shaving it for me when my ankle was broken, but, as I said, I get bad dysphoria, so I have to keep it shaved." 

"That's understandable. I mean, you could probably get it done today, if you wanted," Lizzy pointed out, and AJ nodded slightly, looking down at their legs. They were wearing tights, fairly thick ones as it was still rather cool out, but it was just possible to see the hair on their legs underneath, showing through the white stocking material. 

"Yeah, I'll ask. I usually get a full-body job, though." 

Lizzy immediately pulled a face. "You're braver than me, there's no way I'd be able to get through that. It must feel really raw after." 

"I don't mind it," AJ shrugged, feeling their phone buzz in their lap and picking it up quickly. 

_ Angel, 12:47 _

_ Hey sweetheart, just thought I'd check in. I miss you very much, but I hope you have a fun afternoon out with Lizzy! I'll see you when I get home, my love xxx _

AJ bit their lip lightly, their thumbs working quickly as they typed out a hurried answer, not wanting to seem rude, but far too head over heels in love to not message Ezra back. 

_ AJ, 12:48 _

_ I miss you too! But thank you, angel. I'm sure I will, and I'm looking forward to seeing you later too! I'm already dying for a cuddle xxx  _

"How is he doing?" Lizzy asked quietly as AJ put their phone back in the little black handbag Ezra had gotten them a few days ago. "I remember spending time with him while you were in hospital...we were all super worried about you, obviously, but Ezra was in such a state.." she trailed off and sighed, her grip on the steering wheel tightening as AJ let out a slow breath. 

"He's better now. He has nightmares sometimes, but...but so do I," they admitted quietly, and Lizzy glanced at them in surprise. 

"He's never mentioned it." 

"I don't tell him," AJ mumbled, looking out of the window defensively. "He sleeps heavily." 

Lizzy pulled up at a red light and reached over to squeeze AJ's shoulder gently. "You should probably tell him, you know." 

"I know, I just...don't want to worry him," AJ sighed, folding their arms over their chest and practically hugging themself. "He's got enough to deal with right now." 

"If you don't tell him now, it's likely to come out in a fight or just a difficult moment later on," Lizzy pointed out matter-of-factly, and AJ didn't respond. They knew she was right, of course she was right, but that didn't make it any easier. 

"I'll tell him, it's just...not the right time. And I don't like talking about it, it makes it too real," AJ muttered, and Lizzy pulled away from the junction, nodding ever so slightly. 

"I understand that, it can be difficult to talk about scary dreams. But at least you get to be sure that when you wake up, he'll be there to fall asleep next to," she said with a soft smile, and AJ nodded slightly, relaxing a bit now that it seemed the talk of dreams was over. 

"That's true. He's...he's always there for me, I just...don't want to be a burden, y'know?" 

Lizzy nodded, biting her lip lightly before responding. "I understand, I was that way when I first started transitioning. It was...amazing, really amazing, I loved all the changes that were happening, but with my parents being unsupportive...and just...I don't know. It was a difficult time just because so much was changing. I felt like if I complained about it while Anathema was working on her dissertation, it would be a burden for her and make her life worse, but actually, it was worse to keep it quiet," she sighed, her grip on the steering wheel tightening slightly. "I got really miserable for a while, especially with my parents refusing to talk to me, and this was while you were still unconscious, so it was all...everyone was stressed. I started snapping and just...not being myself with her, but once she finally got me to start talking to her again, it was so much easier. I felt a lot better, and I wasn't hurting her anymore by having such a short fuse," she went on, shooting AJ a quick glance. "I'm not preaching or telling you what to do, I just...I think Ezra is very good at picking up on others' emotions, and he'll know when you're upset. And he'll tear himself to pieces trying to figure out how to make it better or trying to understand what he did to hurt you." 

AJ rested their head against the window and sighed, closing their eyes briefly. "I know. It's just...it's still hard for me. Relationships are all new to me, hell, even close friendships are pretty unfamiliar. I think I need to talk to Mrs. Tracy more, she's basically my therapist," they murmured, managing a small smile. "I love him, y'know." 

"I know, AJ. No one is questioning that, we can all see it, it's very obvious," Lizzy soothed, with a soft little chuckle. "You seem to be so good together now things have settled for you more." 

"Yeah, it's gotten a lot easier lately," AJ agreed, just as Lizzy pulled into a fairly large driveway and parked. Looking up at the building, AJ suddenly felt rather nervous. It was a house, but a particularly fancy one, and had to have cost a fortune, especially in this area of the city. 

"Yeah, the person who runs it got this huge inheritance from their father, so they used his money to set up a beauty business and a place for temporary accommodation. It's really nice inside," Lizzy smiled, apparently having noticed AJ's awed expression. "And the people are super friendly, come on. It'll be alright," she soothed, squeezing their shoulder lightly before getting out of the car. Their nerves growing, AJ followed, hugging themself loosely as they followed Lizzy to the door. 

Although when AJ thought about it later, it didn't seem at all surprising, at the time they'd found it unexpected that they immediately wished Ezra was beside them. They'd thought they felt completely safe around Lizzy, even safe enough to face new situations with her, but even their friendship with her couldn't hold a candle to their relationship with Ezra. He was like their mobile safety net, always there to catch them if they got nervous or scared, or even if they needed protection, and without him, they felt oddly naked. 

It probably had something to do with AJ having been in hospital for so long and the whole incident with Gabriel, but AJ was too tired and preoccupied to think about it much. Instead, they hurried up close to Lizzy and waited beside her, biting their lip anxiously as she knocked on the ornate front door. 

The door opened almost immediately, and a fairly slight person smiled at Lizzy brightly. "Lizzy! It's so good to see you!" They exclaimed, holding out their arms for a hug. Lizzy obliged immediately, and AJ just stood there awkwardly, desperately wishing they had Ezra's hand around theirs. 

The person who'd answered the door seemed very friendly and sweet, their dark blue, close-cropped hair matching perfectly with their gold eyeshadow and thick winged eyeliner. Something about their black denim overalls and cute sweater underneath made them seem extra approachable, and AJ had to admit to themself that they weren't the glamour model they'd been expecting.

"You must be AJ! Welcome, come in! I'm Nakuti, I've heard a lot about you from Lizzy!" 

A little dazed, AJ followed Lizzy into the house, pausing to take their shoes off when Nakuti prompted them. Lizzy flashed AJ a concerned smile, and they nodded slightly to show they were okay, then followed Nakuti as they led Lizzy and AJ down a spacious, beautifully-decorated hallway hung with lovely art and smelling strongly of incense. Nakuti pushed a door open and gestured for them to go inside, so AJ once again followed Lizzy, smiling to themself as they stepped into the mini nail salon. There were two work stations set up, and another person looked up from fiddling with a few bottles to smile at their customers. 

"Hey! Lizzy, shall I do yours today?" They called out, and Lizzy smiled, hurrying over and taking a seat. Nakuti gently put their hand on AJ's shoulder, smiling at them kindly.

"There's no need to be nervous. That's Kahlani, she's my other nail technician, and she's lovely, come sit down. Take a deep breath," Nakuti directed softly, and AJ did as they were told, blushing as they sat. "What do you want me to do for you today?" 

AJ's shoulders sagged in relief, a slow smile spreading across their face as they slipped their phone out of their pocket to find the pictures they'd saved. They were good at talking about beauty treatments, and they suddenly felt rather more in their element. 

A few minutes of explanation later, and Nakuti was hard at work, already prepping AJ's nails. AJ watched a little dreamily, smiling to themself softly. It had been probably over three months now since they'd last had their nails done, and it really did feel good to be pampered for a bit. 

"Would you have any space for waxing today?" They asked after a short silence, and Nakuti looked up briefly, smiling. 

"Yeah, I do actually. What were you thinking?"

"Uhh, I normally just get everywhere done," AJ admitted quietly, and Nakuti nodded. 

"That's doable. I'll throw you in a nice facial treatment as well, just a little new customer bonus," they smiled, giving AJ a conspiratorial wink before bending their head back to their work. AJ finally relaxed fully, thanking Nakuti quietly before turning their head to look at Lizzy. 

"Are you getting acrylics?" They asked, and she nodded, giving them one of her sweet smiles. 

"Yeah, what about you?" 

"Only on the left," AJ chuckled, and Lizzy snorted, shaking her head slightly. 

"Of course. Ezra will thank you for that," she grinned, and AJ nodded. 

"That's the plan," they giggled, and Nakuti gave a soft laugh, their smile widening as they glanced up at AJ. 

"Ezra's my partner, he's a trans man," AJ said awkwardly, feeling as if they should explain themself, although they weren't sure why. 

"Ahh, makes sense," Nakuti answered, nodding as they went back to shaping AJ's nails on their right hand. "I'll keep these short and round, then. How long have you guys been together?" 

"Not long, I um...about six months, I guess? Maybe more, I can't really remember, and I was in hospital for about two months recently, kind of detracts from all that." 

"Yeah, but you guys act like you've been married for years and you've only gotten more in love with every year," Lizzy cut in, and AJ just blushed, knowing that she'd said it in a teasing tone, but unable to think of it as anything but a compliment. If someone had told them a year ago that they'd be in the position they were in now, they wouldn't even have been able to imagine what it was like. They'd never considered that they'd be able to have a stable, loving, healthy relationship - mostly because they'd been too caught up in day-to-day concerns, like who'd stolen their cash or where they were going to pick up some extra clients so they could make rent. 

But now, it was like all of AJ's unspoken, unconscious desires had been granted; they'd been gifted a perfect life, one they'd always wanted, even if they hadn't known it. And  _ damn,  _ did it feel good knowing that other people could see it too - all that love still blooming between them and Ezra, the kind of love that went on blooming forever, always unfurling new petals, day in and day out. 

"I guess we do," AJ said happily, and Lizzy glanced at them, grinning again. 

"Even either of you on your own thinking about the other is ridiculously sweet," she chuckled, and AJ blushed even darker, but just shrugged. 

"He's a good man."

"He is," she agreed softly, and Nakuti smiled up at AJ. 

"I'm curious now, tell me about him," they hummed, and AJ bit their lip, then found their phone with their left hand and unlocked it to show Nakuti their home screen - a picture of Ezra smiling at the camera, just a very simple, happy portrait that always reminded them of the first few days after they'd gotten home from the hospital. Ezra hadn't been able to stop smiling for a good week after they'd first gotten to sleep in the same bed again, and AJ had taken advantage of it to take as many lovely, adorable photos of him as they could. Not that it was difficult - he  _ always _ looked huggable and sweet. 

"We met when we were working together, at the same club. He's really smart, he's doing a masters in artifact conservation, he knows a  _ lot _ about books," AJ began happily, loving the chance to brag about their partner. "He always takes care of me really well, he stayed with me the whole time I was in hospital." 

"He sounds lovely," Nakuti smiled, and AJ let out a soft sigh, nodding slightly as they tried, unsuccessfully, to stop smiling. 

"He really is." 

After lots of chatting and enjoyable conversation, as well as a decent amount of pain from the waxing, AJ finally followed Lizzy back out to the car, smiling to themself. 

"I love being freshly waxed," they announced as they got into the car. "I feel all smooth." 

Lizzy giggled and AJ grinned, relaxing back into their seat as she backed out of the driveway. "Good, I'm glad you enjoyed it. It was so nice to spend some time with you. I'd take you for some lunch, but I have a job interview this afternoon." 

"Oh, that's fine," AJ said quickly, flashing her a small smile. "I hope it goes well." 

"Thank you," Lizzy smiled, glancing at them. "Are you thinking of going back to work soon?"

AJ shrugged, biting their lip lightly. "I don't know. I mean, there's only one thing I can really do, and I...I know Ezra would be really upset, and I would be scared." 

"Even if you just did the dancing?" Lizzy asked gently and AJ nodded slightly. 

"I'd be fine after a few days, it would just be difficult to get used to again, and...yeah, Ezra would have a hard time with it. Plus I barely get to see him, I don't really want to work nights as well," they added, and Lizzy sighed. 

"I can understand that. Maybe you should see if there are any places that do dancing lessons or something? There must be somewhere that teaches pole dancing, maybe you could teach a class," she suggested, and AJ smiled at the thought, then shrugged again. 

"I don't know. I really doubt anyone would hire me. All I have on my CV since age sixteen is-" 

"I have permission from Ezra to tell you off if you talk badly about yourself," Lizzy interrupted sternly, and AJ bit back the less than complimentary word on the tip of their tongue. 

"Fine, but you know what I mean."

"I do, yes. But you're an exceptional dancer, AJ. Ezra showed me videos, and you really are very good at it. There's no reason why you can't take that skill out of just a club setting," Lizzy insisted gently, but AJ was starting to feel upset again. It didn't make sense, not with Lizzy complimenting them, but they were starting to feel small and panicky, their arms wrapping around themself slowly. They glanced at their companion and that odd, uncomfortable feeling was back, the need to hide and be unseen overtaking everything else. 

"Thanks," they mumbled simply, and Lizzy glanced at them, then gave a soft sigh. 

"How about we listen to some music?" 

AJ crawled into bed and flopped on their stomach, letting out a deep sigh. Their skin felt lovely and smooth, and their snake pattern fingernails were exactly what they'd wanted, but they still felt shaken and upset and uncomfortable in their body.

After a minute or two, AJ lifted their head and reached for their phone, then thought better of it. Ezra still got panicky when they texted him while he was at work, and it wasn't exactly an emergency. Sighing, AJ dragged themself out of bed once again, grabbing their towel and heading for the bathroom in the hopes that a nice soak in the tub would make them feel better. 

They padded down the hall and into the bathroom, turning the tap on and sitting on the edge of the bath to let their fingers trail under the water. Numbness was sinking in again, making them feel cold and tired as they just watched the tub fill. Once it was about halfway done, AJ got up and undressed slowly, choking around a lump in their throat as they tried their best not to look down at their own body. 

They hadn't felt this bad in a long time, so they wrapped a towel around themself and wandered back to Ezra's bedroom, digging through his drawers until they found the little stash of bath products he kept for when he was feeling really romantic. Figuring that he wouldn't mind, they slipped out one of the bath bombs and went back to the bathroom, dropping the bomb into the water. 

AJ watched it fizz for a moment blankly, then slipped the towel off and stepped into the water, sitting down and hugging their knees into their chest tightly. The bath bomb bumped up against their ankle and they twitched, then sighed and buried their face in their hands. 

Once again, they had no idea what was wrong, or how to fix it, but they knew that everything they were doing to try to make themself feel better didn't work. AJ found themself longing for Ezra's arms, his kisses, but suddenly they were wondering whether it would even be enough. 

They could hardly bear it, the pain swirling in their chest, their fingers tightening in their hair shakily. All AJ could think about were all the things they hated most about their body - their horrible scars that served as constant reminders of their trauma, their skinny hips, their broad shoulders, their feet, their face, their vocal chords, their...but they couldn't even bring themself to think the word. Nausea rose at the thought and AJ could feel their thighs burning, desperate to try to tuck everything away, but unable to move, rendered motionless by the horrible idea of having to actually  _ touch  _ themself. Frustration came next, quickly morphing into anger, and AJ got up hurriedly, pulling the plug sharply and stepping out of the bath to wrap themself in their towel. 

A short, hurried walk down the hall later, AJ was changing quickly, turned well away from the mirror, then climbed into bed, curling up tightly and squeezing their eyes shut, their whole body trembling ever so slightly. 

"Sweetheart? Are you okay? You don't normally take naps like this." 

The voice was familiar, but it took AJ a moment or two to process it, their heavy eyelids dragging open to see soft blond hair and bright blue eyes. A hand stroked through their hair, and AJ let out a deep sigh, their eyes slipping closed again while they tried to finish gathering all their thoughts. 

"AJ?" 

"Mm," they grunted sleepily, forcing their eyes back open and squinting up at their partner before yawning suddenly. 

"Oh," Ezra chuckled softly, ruffling their hair lightly and leaning down to give them a quick kiss. "You're adorable," he grinned, and AJ managed a small smile, growing every second as they got more and more comfortable with the fake happiness. 

It wasn't that they weren't happy to see Ezra, it was simply that everything was weighing on them heavily, everything they were dealing with had all come down at once, like a sheet of built-up snow dropping off a tree branch onto their head. 

"Did you have a good day?" Ezra asked softly, the bed sinking as he sat down, and AJ looked at him for a moment, a thought occurring. 

They weren't sure if it would make them feel better or not, but they figured it was worth a try. After all, Ezra would love getting to touch their newly smooth skin, and maybe, just maybe his kind, genuine compliments would make up for AJ's self-hatred. 

With this in mind, AJ moved closer to him, running their hand up and down his back while he bent over to remove his prosthesis. "Mm, yeah. Did you?" They murmured, their voice low and just a touch seductive, already getting out their rather large and finely-tuned toolkit and putting some of their many, many skills to good use. 

"Yeah, I just got tired a bit early again today, but I'm better now I'm here with you," Ezra said simply, lifting his leg from the socket and placing the prosthesis aside before glancing down at his partner, their hand finding his thigh. "Lizzy said you had fun." 

"Mhm, I got waxed," AJ purred, and Ezra swallowed hard. 

"Where?" 

"Wouldn't you like to find out?" They shot back immediately, and Ezra grinned, quickly turning to pull them into a kiss, his hand on their cheek, ever so gentle. 

"I really, really would," he answered quietly as he pulled away, his lips lingering on theirs, his eyes flickering up to meet their gaze. "Show me?" 

"Of course," AJ smiled, beginning to relax already, their difficult emotions starting to ebb away in the face of those loving looks, that soft voice. "I love you," they added, needing to hear it, needing to hear him say it. Ezra tilted his head slightly, his smile turning playful. 

"I love you too," he chuckled, then leaned forward and brushed his lips against theirs, his hand coming up to gently hold their chin in place. "You wanna know what would make me love you even more?" He went on very softly, the low, smooth quality to his voice sending shivers all over AJ's body. As he spoke, his lips touched theirs, and he kissed them again as soon as he'd finished, his lips soft and intoxicating. 

A little short of breath, AJ pulled away and lifted their shirt over their head, tossing it away hurriedly. In one rather quick moment, they found themself flat on their back, Ezra above them, his smile now more of a smirk. 

"You read my mind," he growled, and dove in. AJ let their eyes slip closed, their lips parting soundlessly as they felt him begin to kiss down the side of their neck. 

"It wasn't exactly difficult," they mumbled, and Ezra chuckled against their skin, his hands already roaming, exploring the soft, smooth surface of their chest and stomach. 

"Mmm, sorry. I had a bad day today, I really need the escape. Am I going too fast for you?" He asked gently, and AJ gasped, sliding their hand into his hair hurriedly. 

"N-no! I...I need this too," they admitted quietly, then winced internally. "I've been missing you a lot again," they added, possibly a bit too quickly, but Ezra didn't seem to notice, he was too busy pressing his soft lips to their collarbone, one of his hands finding their intact nipple and giving it a little tweak. AJ gasped again, their back arching up, and Ezra smiled, his other hand rubbing up and down their side slowly as they relaxed again. 

"Good?" He asked gently, and AJ nodded, closing their eyes once more and letting out a soft little sigh. 

"Mmm, I just...I'm in the mood for slow and gentle," they mumbled, and Ezra shifted his weight, gathering them up against his chest, their arms wrapping around his neck automatically as he hugged them tightly. AJ buried their face in his hair and breathed in his familiar scent, focusing on the warmth and the comfort his shape gave them. It was like being pressed against a very soft, heated mattress and sinking into it, and AJ treasured every second, until Ezra was carefully lowering them back to the bed. 

"Me too, don't worry, sweetheart," he murmured as they laid back comfortably, gazing up at him and just taking it all in. "But I want to kiss you loads first. Would you undress for me, my love?" 

AJ giggled softly and began to tug at the drawstring of their cat-print pajama pants. "Really? Are you that lazy?" They teased, and Ezra chuckled, slipping off the bed and grabbing his crutches. 

"No, I just need to go and get us a condom," he pointed out quietly, and AJ watched him for a moment, their heart beating a little faster, then hurriedly discarded their clothes, arranging the sheet carefully to do a little artistic covering of all the important bits. 

Ezra made his way back to the bed a moment later, setting the condom down on the bedside table, along with a bottle of lube. Then he sat down on the edge of the bed and laid his crutch down on the floor before turning to AJ and just smiling at them. 

"Look how beautiful you are," he said softly, nothing in his voice but earnest, loving admiration. 

AJ felt their cheeks flush, their body already responding to the anticipation of his touch, their length beginning to fill out under the sheet. They shifted slightly, a little uncomfortable with the feeling, then gave a small smile. 

"I wanna see you," AJ murmured, and Ezra nodded, leaning over to kiss them softly. 

"Are you okay? You seem a bit-" 

"I'm fine, I promise, I'm just a little tired," AJ soothed quickly, giving his cheek a hurried kiss. "But I really want to do this." 

Ezra smiled, his blue eyes so full of gentle love that AJ almost burst into tears. "Okay, my love. Tell me if you change your mind, yeah? It's okay to not feel like it or to change your mind." 

"I know," AJ answered simply, reaching up and stroking their knuckles over his cheek, feeling his warmth under their touch. "I love you." 

"I love you too," Ezra replied simply, then leaned back and slipped his shirt off, tossing it aside as AJ just watched happily, their mouth beginning to water at the sight of their partner, his stunning body on private show all for them. The shorts came next, quickly followed by his underwear, and then Ezra was crawling over AJ's body, smiling at them as he stopped with his hands on either side of their head, holding him up. 

"Hey," he said softly, almost shyly, and AJ smiled up at him, still relaxed and comfortable. 

"Hi," they murmured, reaching up and caressing his cheek, taking in all of his features - his beautiful eyes, his soft, pink lips, his slightly upturned nose, the wrinkles that already showed around his eyes when he smiled. Every part of him was perfect, and AJ felt a rush of love so intense they nearly shook, surging up to kiss him and laughing against his lips when he made a soft sound of surprise. 

AJ pulled away almost immediately, grinning as Ezra stared at them for a moment, looking a little dazed. "Kiss me, Ezra," they ordered very quietly, unable to stop smiling as he blinked. "Tell me." 

Ezra didn't stop to ask silly questions like 'tell you what?' - he knew what they wanted, and he knew they didn't just want it. AJ thrived off his praise, they loved his soft voice telling them all about how much he loved them and how beautiful they were, and they  _ needed  _ it. 

In a moment, Ezra was between their legs, gently lifting their knees, his hands running down to the outsides of their thighs. AJ shuddered happily and spread their legs, feeling the sheets brushing over their already aching length. The movement reminded them that it existed, and they almost lost all their confidence in one heartbeat, but Ezra interrupted their dysphoria-triggered spiral, his voice calm and full of love. 

"Look at you, my sweetheart," he began slowly, his hands running all over their thighs, stroking that impeccably smooth skin. AJ shifted uncertainly, and Ezra adjusted the sheet, very carefully covering them more thoroughly, as if reading their mind. "You have such beautiful skin. I love your legs, no matter how long your hair is, but I have to admit, they feel lovely all smooth like this," Ezra purred, and AJ's lips parted, a soft sigh escaping their lungs as their legs fell a little further open, trusting him. 

Ezra shifted his position slightly, then began to kiss up one of their thighs slowly, one of his hands moving ahead of him, finding their hip flexor and following it up, his fingertips rubbing against the strong muscle just shy of the area AJ wasn't sure they wanted to be touched. Pleasure flooded through them and they moaned ever so softly, rocking slightly into his touch. 

"Yellow," they mumbled, and Ezra nodded, his head following his hand right up to the inside of their thigh. They felt his teeth graze their skin and gasped, just before he bit down very lightly. AJ moaned again, shuddering, their hand finding the back of Ezra's head and tightening desperately. 

Growling ever so softly in the back of his throat, Ezra began to suck, and AJ's toes curled, their body thrumming with anticipation and desire. They knew they were leaking and staining the sheet covering them, but it was beginning to fade into the background - the simple thought of filling Ezra up, of pushing inside him and feeling his passage around them was enough to drive away the uncertainty. 

Ezra released them and lapped over the mark, then paused, staring at the tented sheet for just a moment, a moment that filled AJ with guilt and forced all those confused, uncomfortable feelings back up to the surface, all in one go. 

But Ezra was already moving on, moving up, his tongue swirling around their nipple piercing, his teeth catching on it lightly and giving a gentle tug. AJ gasped and bit their lip hard, hard enough to hurt. 

"Ezra! N-no!" They choked, and he lifted his head immediately, his eyes wide with panic. 

"What did I do? I'm sorry, sweetheart, I'm sorry!" He rushed out, but AJ was already relaxing again, the memories of Gabriel's grinning face and the indescribable pain that had ripped through them months ago already fading. 

"It's okay, I'm fine," AJ assured him quickly, flashing a small smile to show him they were serious. "I just...not tugging, okay? Not right now. Licking and biting and sucking are fine, but not...not pulling," they explained awkwardly, hating themself, hating their life, just wishing everything could be  _ normal  _ for the millionth time. 

Light dawned on Ezra's face and he nodded, his cheeks flushed. "I'm sorry." 

"Don't be, it's fine," AJ soothed, leaning down slightly to kiss his forehead. "But I'm not super in the mood for teasing, and I feel pretty much ready to go." 

Ezra sighed and moved up slightly so he could stroke their cheek, his fingertips ever so gentle against their skin. "Are you sure? You don't seem like yourself tonight," he murmured, and AJ sighed, dropping their head back down to the pillow in frustration. 

All they wanted was to forget, and although they knew Ezra was being kind and careful, all it was doing was reminding them of why they didn't feel good in the first place. "Ezra, for the love of God, can we just have sex?" They groaned, and immediately regretted it. Ezra's face went cold, and he began to pull away, the frozen expression on his face quickly melting into one of sadness and anxiety. 

"No, I'm not...this feels wrong," he muttered, grabbing for his crutch and fumbling as AJ watched, immobilised by their horror at his reaction. "I'm not doing this," Ezra went on, sounding more as if he was talking to himself than to AJ. "I'm going to take a shower." 

AJ opened their mouth, they reached for him, they scrambled, but he was already gone, the bedroom door swinging shut behind him and leaving them alone in the bed, naked and on the verge of tears. They curled up hurriedly, burying their face in their hands and drawing their knees into their chest as they unsuccessfully tried to calm down. 

Everything they'd been feeling the whole day began to boil over, into heavy, wet, shaky sobs, AJ's whole body trembling with the effort. Their chest heaved, they could barely breathe between the cries or the tears streaming down their cheeks and soaking their skin, but it felt oddly good. 

It had been bottled up inside them ever since they'd first talked to Lizzy that morning, and now it was all coming out at once, all in one go. Admittedly, AJ knew it wasn't going to fix anything, they knew that just having a good cry wasn't a substitute for talking to their friends or their partner, but they still didn't feel ready to talk, and sobbing alone in bed was the next best thing. 

AJ didn't know what was wrong with them - that was probably the worst part of all this mess. They didn't know why they felt this way, why their body suddenly didn't feel their own, why that little niggling sensation of dysphoria they'd barely felt around Ezra had become overwhelming, even in his usually soothing presence. It was all so confusing, and confusion  _ hurt.  _ Especially now, after everything, after they'd finally felt like they were settling into a normal life. They'd been able to have sex entirely without fear or any kind of unpleasant feeling, they'd been on the path to accepting their body - scars and weight and everything else in between, and now...this. 

Eventually, AJ's tears began to run dry, despite everything, and the worry for their partner grew, taking over the rest of their energy. AJ got up unsteadily, slipping on a pair of Ezra's shorts and doing the string up tightly before wandering down the hall shakily. The shower was still running, but AJ very easily popped the lock with a paperclip they swiped from Ezra's desk, slipping inside the bathroom and shutting the door behind them. 

"Ezra?" 

The glass door on the shower was frosted, but AJ could make out the general shape of their partner, and saw his head raise. 

"AJ? Did you pick the lock again?" 

"Yeah," they answered shamelessly, biting their lip lightly. They weren't worried about him being angry over the lock, but they were concerned about his emotional state - they weren't sure if he'd been angry with them when he'd left the bedroom earlier. "Can I come in?" 

"I...I mean, we can talk after if you want, but-" 

AJ slipped the shorts off and walked to the shower door, opening it and stepping inside, managing a sickly, anxious smile. "I wanna talk to you."

Ezra looked up at them, his hair plastered to his head, water running in little rivulets over his skin. His eyes looked bluer than usual in the bathroom lights, and AJ couldn't help but think about how perfect he looked. 

"I'm not upset with you," he said quickly, and AJ slowly knelt down on the rubber mat at his feet, gently spreading his legs so they could sit between them, their body leaned against his good leg. 

"But you were upset," they prompted quietly, and Ezra nodded slightly, his hand in their hair, but his gaze not quite meeting theirs. 

"Yeah," he said slowly, clearly thinking while he was talking. "I...I feel like there's something you're not telling me, and...and it made it hard. I didn't feel right, and I...I could never forgive myself if I had sex with you when you didn't want it." 

AJ nodded slightly, turning to nuzzle at the inside of his soft thigh, their hand coming up to gently squeeze his copious flesh, massaging it lightly. "I understand. But...I...I still have dysphoria. It's really rare, with you, anyway...um. But it doesn't mean that I can't have sex and feel good, it just means sometimes I seem more hesitant. You did the right thing, even if it hurt us both in the moment. It's difficult to tell the difference between me not being all there and me having dysphoria, I understand that. That being said, I really,  _ really  _ want to have sex with you," they laughed, trying to lighten the mood while steering the conversation away from their dysphoria.

"We need to communicate better," Ezra pointed out gently, stroking their hair slowly, his other hand on their back, the warmth of his skin against theirs feeling so very intimate and tender. "You can tell me when you're having bad days, and we can work out a way around it, together. Okay? You gotta talk to me, sweetheart, I can't read minds." 

AJ nodded and moved a little closer to him, their eyes fixed between his legs, at his inviting folds and the very tip of his dick just peeking out, begging to be licked. Ezra's fingers curled in AJ's hair, gently holding them in place. "No, magpie. Not now," he mumbled, his voice soft and oddly needy, despite his words. "If you really want to finish, it's going to have to be in bed. I've decided to be a pillow princess today, and you can't do that in the shower." 

AJ giggled, already feeling much better, much more grounded and happy, even eager to get Ezra into bed. They buried their face in his thigh again, just waiting patiently while he finished washing his hair, then very gently helped him up and out of the shower. 

Soon enough, AJ was flopping onto the bed beside their partner, smiling at him as he rolled onto his side and just gazed at them for a moment or two.

"You're absolutely beautiful, every single inch of you," Ezra announced, breaking the happily little silence. "I was wondering if maybe we could spoon?" He added softly, and AJ nodded, leaning over him to grab the condom and the bottle of lube. 

"I'd like that. How about I get you warmed up a bit? That's usually enough for me to be ready," they suggested softly, and Ezra smiled, giving them a quick kiss before turning away. AJ shifted to curl around him, but sat up halfway, giving them easier access to Ezra. One hand lifted his thigh gently, the other slid down, AJ's long fingers searching until they found what they were looking for, tracing a teasing circle with one fingertip. 

Ezra gasped in pleasure and rocked against their touch, causing AJ to smile to themself happily, triumphant as they kissed the back of his shoulder. 

"Mm, how's that feel?" They prompted gently, and Ezra nodded hurriedly, breathing a little heavily. 

"Please," he whined, and AJ nodded, giving his thigh a reassuring little squeeze. 

"I've got you. I love you," they murmured, and began to rub slowly, pressing a little harder and moving in an up and down motion, pausing just briefly to add a little lube to their fingertips. Ezra moaned softly and rocked, but AJ didn't give him any more, not yet. They could feel themself beginning to fill out again, their body responding to the sounds of Ezra's pleasure. His cock was hot against their fingers, flushed and fully erect, so AJ ran their fingers further, and found his entrance. 

Ezra groaned as he was breached, his passage feeling rather tighter than usual, but he seemed pleasured and comfortable, so AJ pulled back and slathered their fingers in lube before pushing them back inside slowly, cherishing the warmth and focusing on the knowledge that soon, they'd get to be inside him. 

AJ shifted position slightly, so they could nuzzle at Ezra's damp hair lovingly, a rush of strong affection making them smile as they began to thrust their fingers very slowly. "You feel tight, are you okay?" They asked gently, and Ezra moaned softly, his eyes half closed, his body utterly relaxed. 

"Mmm, just happens sometimes," he mumbled, and AJ nodded, kissing the back of his neck lightly. 

"Okay, angel. As long as you're okay," they murmured, then slipped their fingers out of him and wrapped their hand around themself. A brief bite of disgust made them swallow hard, but they ignored it, stroking themself a couple times before rolling the condom on and returning their hand to Ezra's thigh. 

"Are you comfortable?" 

"Mmm," he hummed in response, his eyes fully closed now, a contented little smile on his face. AJ forgot their self-hatred almost immediately, focusing in on Ezra's happiness, his relaxed, comfortable position. He wanted this, and he loved them, just as they were. 

With this in mind, AJ moved closer to him, teasing him ever so gently with their tip before slowly easing themself inside. Their eyelids fluttered in pleasure, their mouth dropping open as they pressed inside Ezra, filling him up slowly, easily, his passage opening up for them like it wanted them as badly as Ezra himself did. 

"Ohhh, sweetheart," Ezra sighed heavily, his body giving a little shudder when they found the end of his passage, pressing against it firmly. "You feel so good." 

AJ smiled to themself and pressed closer to him, letting go of his thigh to hug his waist instead, their face against the back of his neck. "Mm? Yeah? How good?" They purred, and Ezra gasped softly, rocking his hips ever so slightly as he put his leg down carefully. "You feel so warm and...mmm, you just fill me up so well," he groaned, and AJ smiled against his skin, running one of their hands down to caress his soft belly. 

"I'm glad, my angel. I love you so so much." 

"I love you too," Ezra mumbled, and AJ's smile widened, their arm wrapping tightly around their partner for leverage. He let out a happy sigh and rested his arm over theirs, just as they began to roll their hips. 

Ezra moaned as soon as they moved, his passage clenching briefly, but AJ just gasped softly and tightened their jaw, determined to push through their pleasure to focus on his. Their fingers pressed into his soft flesh, their hips rolling against his, pressing as deep into him as they could get. The thrusts were shallow, only about half of their length sliding out before pushing back in again, but Ezra was already gasping and pressing back against them with every sign of pleasure-filled enjoyment. 

"Mmm, magpie!" He moaned out happily, and AJ smiled to themself, peppering kisses to the back of his shoulders as they guided his leg up and behind their hips so they could reach down, not breaking their rhythm as their fingertips found Ezra's short shaft. He cried out softly and bucked, and AJ grinned, completely immersed now. They could barely feel their own pleasure, they were devoting so much attention to Ezra - although this was, in all honesty, helped along by their desire to forget about their own body. In any case, Ezra was already shuddering and trembling, AJ's fingers moving quickly over his shaft, their hips rocking a little faster, but still fairly slow and deliberate. When they propped themself up slightly to get a better angle, they could see his eyelids fluttering, his mouth hanging open, his expression rapt, and they grinned. 

Ezra was practically boneless, squirming under them, all because of them and the pleasure they were able to provide. AJ had suspected that sex would make them feel better, but they hadn't expected it would make them feel  _ good,  _ beyond a simple distraction. 

Ezra jerked suddenly and AJ realised their fingers had slipped over the tip of his cock, so they gently pulled the hood back and began to rub over that little tip very carefully. They'd learned a lot more about Ezra's body since finally getting home from the hospital, and he'd shown them exactly how to touch every different place on his anatomy. The very head of his small dick was extremely sensitive, almost too sensitive sometimes, but he'd shown them how to play at it with the pad of one finger, and AJ was very glad he had. 

Ezra squealed in pleasure and bucked back against AJ's hips, his head turning to bury his face in the pillow. His hips rocked needily, pressing into AJ's hand in that desperate, automatic manner they'd come to recognise as a sign that- 

Ezra shuddered and moaned so loudly AJ was surprised it didn't start an earthquake, his hips bucking once more, then going still, his passage caressing AJ, convulsing around them until they had no choice but to finish themself. They were dragged over the edge roughly, but they didn't mind at all, riding out the orgasm and rocking ever so slightly with their face buried in the back of Ezra's neck, their arm tight around him. 

"You okay, sweetheart?" He asked after a brief silence, his voice still trembling subtly as his hand found theirs, squeezing gently. 

"Mm, just tired and comfy," AJ mumbled sleepily, pressing closer to him and relaxing into the mattress and into his warmth. Ezra's thumb stroked over their skin, slow and soothing, his presence like a balm to their soul. Nuzzling at him, AJ tightened their grip, and Ezra let out a contented sigh, his breath soft. 

"I love you, so much," he murmured, and AJ smiled against his skin, pressing their hand into his soft stomach lightly. 

"I love you too, angel. I wanna rest for a bit, is that okay?" 

"Mm, of course. I'm nice and comfortable as long as you are," he hummed, and AJ nodded, then went silent for a while, just enjoying the feeling of Ezra's warmth, in front of them, against them, around them. 

After a while, though, AJ felt themself start to get sleepy, so they gently began to pull away from Ezra, wincing at the way their skin stuck to his. 

"Hold on, sweetheart, hold on," he said quickly, his voice heavy and full of sleep. "Let me get my leg out of the way," he added with a soft chuckle, and AJ smiled, running their hand over his arm while he shifted, lifting his leg up. 

AJ tried to pull out, but nearly had a heart attack when the condom slipped. They gasped, reaching down hurriedly and grabbing at themself, wrapping their index finger and thumb around their shaft to hold the condom in place as they slid back slowly. Ezra let out a soft sound as they slipped free of him, then let his leg drop back to the bed, sighing deeply. 

"Mmm, that was a good cuddle," he mumbled, and AJ managed a soft laugh, the freezing panic already thawing as they got up and pulled the condom off, tying it carefully. 

"I'm gonna go clean up, angel, I'll be right back," AJ announced, and Ezra just grunted, his eyes already closed. Smiling to themself fondly, AJ wrapped a towel around their waist and headed down the hall to the bathroom. 

It didn't take them long to clean up, but once they'd finished, they just sat down on the toilet to stare at nothing. The short respite from the discomfort and general unrest AJ had felt all day was already diminishing, leaving them feeling slightly sick. They'd clearly been overly optimistic - sex  _ had _ made them feel better, yes, but it was only a temporary fix, not a solution. AJ still felt disconnected from their body, held apart from it by a buffer of mixed hatred, disgust, and even apathy. 

They looked down at themself shakily, running a fingertip over one of their scars, the thick, raised one on their chest where Gabriel had- 

AJ cut the thought off before they could finish it, dropping their hand back into their lap and heaving a slow sigh. Their jaw was beginning to ache slightly, and they realised they'd been clenching it unconsciously, releasing the tension quickly. A knock on the door made them jump, and AJ swallowed hard, then sighed when they heard Ezra's voice. 

"Sweetheart? You okay? I really need to pee," he called out softly, and AJ sighed, heaving themself up slightly unsteadily. 

"I'm coming, angel," they answered, wrapping the towel around themself again and opening the door. Ezra opened his arms and smiled at them, his eyes bright even in the gloomy hallway. 

"You seem upset. Hug?" 

"I'm fine, angel, I promise," AJ smiled, leaning up to kiss his cheek softly. "But I'd love a hug. When you've peed and we're back in bed." 

Ezra chuckled and dropped his arms, but gave AJ a hurried kiss on their forehead. "Good call. Go get comfy, warm the bed up for me." 

AJ rolled their eyes, but nodded, brushing past him and heading down the hall slowly. They slipped into the bedroom, tugged on a pair of Ezra's boxers, and crawled into bed, flopping on their stomach. At least, despite everything, they had Ezra's comfort. Even if they didn't feel like talking to him, even if he couldn't directly help them, being with him still made them feel better. He eased everything else, making them feel safe and relaxed aside from the niggling discomfort and doubt. 

Although AJ still felt odd and upset, as soon as Ezra climbed back into bed beside them, they were beside him, cuddling up to him, burying themself in him. Ezra didn't say anything, but AJ didn't need him to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
> I'm sorry this has taken me quite a while, I've had a lot of writer's block again and just generally feeling down. I'm okay, just finding it difficult to remember to update n stuff.   
> Anyway, I hope you all are doing okay and staying safe! ♡♡♡


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: vomiting, illness.

AJ woke in the dark, the bed cold and empty. Sighing to themself and assuming Ezra had had yet another nightmare, they got up quickly and pulled one of Ezra's t-shirts on over their panties. The bedroom door clicked when they opened it, and they padded down the hall, checking the living room before realising the light was on in the bathroom. AJ bit their lip lightly, briefly uncertain, then walked over and tapped on the door with one knuckle. 

"Angel?" 

It was muffled, but they could hear the sound of someone retching, so they tested the door handle and found it unlocked. After a moment's hesitation, briefly worrying that maybe it wasn't Ezra and he was somewhere else in the flat, AJ pushed their doubts aside and opened the door. 

Ezra was knelt in front of the toilet, his whole body shaking, then convulsing as he gagged again. 

Shocked, AJ rushed over to him, wincing as they crouched down beside him, their hand sliding into his hair immediately. 

"Hey, I'm here. Oh, angel," they sighed, stroking his hair with one hand, the other slowly rubbing circles into his back. "It's alright, I'm here." 

Ezra groaned, clinging to the toilet as his eyes slipped closed, tears running down his cheeks. "Go away, AJ," he mumbled, trying to bat one of their hands away weakly. "Don't want you sick." 

"I'm not gonna get sick, angel. I'm not going anywhere," AJ answered firmly, biting their lip when Ezra gagged again. "My viral count is almost as low as before I went to hospital, I'm healthy, okay? And I'm not leaving you like this." 

Ezra shook his head slightly, but stopped protesting, slumping against the toilet with his cheek on the seat. AJ pulled a face, but just stroked their fingertips over his forehead and down his other cheek, their worry spiking when they felt how intensely hot he was. 

"Maybe we should go to the-" 

"No," Ezra said immediately, his voice hoarse and exhausted. "No hospital, it'll be over tomorrow." 

AJ rolled their eyes, but didn't argue, promising themself that if he was still this sick in the morning, they'd force him to get checked out. For now, he seemed to be done, his stomach empty, so AJ gently gave his shoulder a pull. 

"Come on, Ezra. Back to bed, you need to sleep," they insisted softly, and Ezra grunted, struggling to sit up properly. Thankfully, he had put his prosthesis on, so it wasn't too difficult to help him to his feet. As soon as he was up, AJ guided him to lean against the counter, helping him with his toothbrush. Now they could get a good look at him, it was easy to see how sick he was - his skin was pale and waxy, sweat beading on his forehead. 

"Ezra, I really think-" 

"I just need sleep," he muttered sharply, brushing his teeth quickly and spitting the toothpaste out before rinsing his mouth one last time. AJ just sighed and rested their hand on the small of his back, steadying him gently as he led the way out of the bathroom. He stumbled in the hallway briefly, but righted himself, and AJ sighed, wrapping their arm around him protectively and supporting him all the way back to bed. 

Once they were in the bedroom, Ezra collapsed onto the bed and tried to roll over, but AJ gently caught his hip, chuckling anxiously. 

"Hey, let me take your leg off," they murmured, and Ezra just grunted, throwing his arm over his eyes and going still. A bit shaky with worry, AJ leaned over him and clicked the valve, then slowly pulled Ezra's prosthesis free from his leg. He let out a deep sigh and AJ tugged the liners off, frowning when they saw his dry skin.

"Ezra," they groaned reproachfully, snatching the tub of moisturiser off the side and twisting the top off hurriedly. He didn't reply, so they moved to kneel on the bed facing him, gently resting his leg in their lap. When they smoothed the cream over his skin, he flinched slightly at the cold, but AJ only leaned down to press a soft kiss to his thigh, stroking the moisturiser over his leg with both hands. 

"I've got you, angel. It's okay. I'm right here, alright? I think we need to have another talk about you using a wheelchair at your internship, but I know now isn't the time," they mumbled, more so they'd remember than because they thought he was taking in a word they were saying. "I'm allowed to worry about you too, y'know." 

Ezra grunted again, but didn't say anything, his spare hand moving down towards them, not able to reach them, but clearly a peace offering. AJ smiled to themself and leaned over again, kissing the back of his hand with a giggle. A ghost of a smile flickered across Ezra's face, and AJ relaxed slightly, rubbing a little more firmly, massaging his skin until the prescription-strength moisturiser had been absorbed. Then they finally set his leg back down on the bed and moved over to lay beside him, pulling the blanket over the both of them and turning the bedside lamp off. 

"Try to sleep, okay? I'm right here," AJ said very softly, scooting closer to their partner and rolling onto their side to stroke slow circles on his chest, enjoying the feel of his body hair under their hand. "Do you want to cuddle or do you want space?" 

"This is nice," Ezra mumbled, and AJ nodded, reaching up to cradle one of his cheeks in their hand, pressing a quick kiss to the other. 

"Good. Anything I can do?" 

Ezra moved his arm away from his head at last, shifting to roll onto his side awkwardly, his blue eyes seeming almost black in the darkness, but as full of love as ever. "Sing to me?" 

AJ felt their cheeks flush and chuckled softly, biting their lip as shyness welled up. "Um...I'm not that good, I just-" 

"Shh, you have an amazing voice, beautiful," Ezra cut in with a smile, his hand finding their cheek, heavy and warm. "Please? You know the songs I like." 

AJ rolled their eyes, but gently moved his hand away, instead resting theirs in his hair and kissing his forehead softly. 

"As long as you promise to sleep." 

"Mm, I promise," Ezra mumbled, his eyes already closing up, his voice dull with sleep. AJ smiled to themself and began to sing very softly, becoming more and more confident as they went, but only making it about halfway through  _ Walkin' Back To Georgia  _ before Ezra was asleep, his body relaxed, his breath slow and deep. 

AJ went quiet and moved closer to him slowly, resting their forehead against his lightly, their arm slowly sliding around his waist, wanting to get closer to him, but not wanting to wake him. After a minute or two, he stirred slightly, his eyebrows furrowing, and AJ winced, stroking their hand over his cheek and resting it there, their thumb running back and forth under his eye. 

"Shhh, angel. I'm right here. Shh, baby," they soothed quickly, and Ezra settled, leaving AJ feeling relieved, but rather alone and anxious. 

They watched him sleep for a while, eventually rolling over to try to sleep themself, but it was impossible. The thoughts just kept whirling around in their mind, making them feel nauseous and shaky, convincing them that Ezra was seriously sick. AJ did their best to ignore it, but it was impossible to silence that insidious little voice, so instead, they quietly got up, picked up their laptop, and headed into the living room to curl up on the couch. It was just past four in the morning, but they weren't tired anymore, so they just plugged their headphones into their laptop and settled in for a few hours of youtube. 

Eventually, it started to get light, and AJ's eyes began to get tired, but they still didn't feel sleepy. They made themself some breakfast and a cup of chai tea, sitting down on the couch again to drink it, and jumping slightly when they heard a door open down the hall. 

There were footsteps, and AJ looked up just as Anathema appeared in the doorway. 

"Oh, hey," she smiled, still in her pajamas, her hair pulled back in a messy bun. "Early morning for you." 

"More like a late night," AJ sighed, setting their mug down on the coffee table. "Ezra was throwing up in the night, I tried to get him to go to the hospital, but he wouldn't, and I couldn't stop worrying." 

Anathema bit her lip and walked over to sit down next to them, rubbing their shoulder lightly. "Getting Ezra in a hospital was difficult enough before your stay, he's not going to go easily. Maybe try taking him to the doctor if he's still bad today? Our GP usually accepts same day appointments if it's urgent, but hopefully whatever it was will have passed." 

"He was running a pretty high fever," AJ said doubtfully, and Anathema shrugged. 

"When Ezra gets sick, he usually seems to compress it all up, so he's always really sick for a very short time. I wouldn't be too worried until you see how he is today. And Lizzy doesn't have any appointments or anything today, so she can always drive you two to the doctor if you need to go."

"Thanks," AJ smiled, already feeling a little better with the knowledge that they weren't alone in taking care of Ezra. 

"You should try to rest for a bit, and I heard some noises from your room, I think he might be waking up." 

AJ winced, grabbing their mug and getting up quickly. "Shit, okay. I'll see you later, thank you," they rushed out, then hurried down the hall and pushed the bedroom door open. They let out a sigh of relief when they found Ezra still asleep, shutting the door behind them with a quiet click. 

"Oh, angel," AJ mumbled, smiling to themself sadly as they set their mug on the bedside table and walked over to the bed. Ezra still looked pale and, when AJ pressed the back of their hand to their forehead, was still rather hot. It wasn't as bad as it had been, but AJ pulled back the blanket anyway, then moved the bin out from under Ezra's desk to place it near the bed. Once that was done, they hurried to the kitchen and grabbed a mixing bowl, then jogged to the bathroom to fill it with cold water. At last, they returned to the bed and sat down on the edge, dipping a face cloth in the water and squeezing most of it out before pressing the flannel against Ezra's forehead. He stirred slightly in his sleep, but didn't wake, so AJ gently began to wipe the sweat from his face, very carefully cleaning his still-sticky skin. 

It didn't help that it was hot in the room, hot and muggy, so AJ took Ezra's mini fan from the desk and set it on the bedside table instead, pointing it towards him before finally getting back in bed. They didn't lay down yet, but remained sitting up, stroking Ezra's hair with one hand while gently pressing the cold cloth to his forehead with the other. 

Although AJ was worried about him, they couldn't help but think that it felt good to be the one taking care of their partner for once. He'd helped them through so many things, it was oddly nice to be touching him so tenderly and helping him sleep more soundly. AJ found themself thinking about things they weren't accustomed to, like making soup or running errands to get Ezra treats. It wasn't like they wouldn't normally do those things for him, it was just that they'd never thought about it before, and it wasn't like he was the kind of person to ask for it. 

AJ was still getting used to romance and figuring out their own ways of showing love, but it was difficult sometimes. Especially since Ezra seemed to show his love in every way possible - he told them, he bought them thoughtful little gifts, he went out of his way to do things for them, he was always touching them or kissing them. It was hard not to feel like their efforts were meager and useless compared to his, and sometimes AJ did feel discouraged, but Ezra didn't seem like he wasn't getting enough love from them. 

Sighing, AJ made a mental note to talk to him as soon as he was feeling well enough. They knew that if they could just hear him say it, it would be alright, as long as they knew they were enough for him. But for now, AJ just leaned down and kissed Ezra's cheek softly, a slightly worried smile tugging at their lips as they just looked at him, treasuring him, thinking about how perfect he was. 

"I love you," AJ murmured ever so softly, then slowly laid down, keeping the cloth against Ezra's forehead and settling on their side so they could face him. He stirred again, his eyelids fluttering just slightly, but AJ stayed very still, and Ezra dropped off again easily. 

AJ woke again, but this time it was light, and Ezra was beside them. He was throwing up, but he was there. AJ sighed and moved to rub his back, then stroked his hair while he leaned over the edge of the bed, holding the conveniently placed bin. 

"I'm here, angel. I'm taking care of you," AJ murmured, blinking sleep out of their eyes and glancing at the clock. It was nearly noon, which explained why AJ was feeling a bit bleary. Ezra finally set the bin down and grabbed a tissue from the bedside table, wiping his mouth before flopping back against the bed. 

"It's hot in here," he complained shakily, and AJ sighed, reaching up to open the window by the bed, but keeping the curtains drawn. 

"I know, angel. Let me get you some water and get a new bin bag," they mumbled, getting up hurriedly and quickly taking the bag out of the bin. "I'll be right back." 

A minute or two later, AJ was gently helping Ezra sit up, pressing a bottle of cold water into his hand. "Here, you're dehydrated, and it'll cool you down. How do you feel?"

"Not as bad as last night," Ezra answered, taking a long drink from the water while AJ sat down on the edge of the bed, dipping the face cloth in the water again and gently wiping his chest, leaving cooling dampness on his skin and removing the sweat that had been making him sticky. 

"You have a fever, I think maybe you should go to the doctor," AJ tried, but Ezra was already shaking his head, drinking some more of the water, his hand trembling slightly. 

"No, I don't feel that bad, I promise. And they won't have any more appointments for today." 

AJ sighed and leaned forward, kissing his forehead lightly and taking his spare hand. "How about a compromise? I make you an appointment for tomorrow and if your fever is gone by tomorrow morning, you don't have to go." 

"Mm, okay," Ezra grumbled, but AJ could see the hint of a smile on his face. 

"Okay, I'll make the call in a minute. How about I run you a cool bath? Would that be nice?" 

Ezra seemed to consider this for a moment, then nodded, leaning back against the headboard. "Yeah, that would be great, sweetheart." 

"Good, I'll go get it started and call the doctor," they smiled, kissing his cheek softly before getting up and leaving the room. 

Ezra sank into the tub, his body trembling slightly as AJ supported him, careful not to pull a muscle in their arm. He groaned softly as the cool water climbed up his chest, and AJ sat back on their heels as soon as he was fully seated in the tub, splashing his chest playfully. 

Laughing, Ezra settled back, already seeming more comfortable, the pinched look fading from his face. AJ leaned over and kissed his forehead, giggling when he tried to bat them away. 

"I won't get sick, Ezra, I swear," they soothed, and he sighed, reaching up to brush his knuckles against their cheek. 

"I just don't want to take any chances, sweetheart, I'd feel terrible if you got sick because of me. And if I have to see you in hospital bed one more time, I think I'll have a heart attack," he added jokingly, and AJ leaned into his touch, letting out a soft sigh. 

"I know, but I'm doing a lot better, and I've been taking my meds and my vitamins every day, I'm probably healthier than you are," they smiled, and Ezra nodded, stroking his thumb over their cheek slowly. "I'm just scared, magpie." 

AJ nodded and shifted position, leaning against the side of the tub and letting their hand trail in the water as they stared into it sleepily. "I just wanna cuddle you and make you feel better," they mumbled, and Ezra leaned forward quickly, ruffling their hair gently. 

"Hey, you always make me feel better, sweetheart," he smiled, and AJ glanced at him, then smiled as well, relaxing slightly. 

"Good, I...I sometimes get worried," they mumbled, trailing off when they realised they didn't want to worry Ezra. He blinked, then sighed and leaned back against the end of the tub again, closing his eyes as he slipped further into the water. 

"You have nothing to worry about, magpie. But we can talk more when I feel better, I promise," he announced, and AJ rested their cheek on the top of the bath edge, just gazing at their partner lovingly. 

"I just love you so much. I want you to know it," they said softly, stifling a yawn. 

Ezra opened his eyes again and flashed them another smile, this one seeming as tired as AJ felt. "I do know it, sweetheart. And I love you too." 

AJ just let out a soft sigh and kept smiling at Ezra, feeling rather dreamy as they just sat there, relaxed and comfortable. Ezra went quiet as well, resting his eyes while he enjoyed the cooling effects of the bath. Eventually, though, AJ's legs began to fall asleep, and they had to get up, stretching out before leaning over and stroking Ezra's hair lightly. 

"Come on, angel. Time to get out," they murmured, and he took a deep breath, opening his eyes before leaning forward and starting to get himself ready for AJ to help him out of the water. AJ crouched down and wrapped their arm around him, lifting as he pushed himself up, using their whole body to pull him up onto the edge of the tub. Ezra groaned with the effort, resting for a moment before swinging his legs over the edge of the tub, supported by AJ's arm behind his back. 

"There, we're getting better at that every time," AJ chuckled, and Ezra rolled his eyes fondly, gripping the edge of the tub as AJ grabbed his towel and started to dry him off, pressing cheeky kisses to his body as they wiped away the water droplets still clinging to his pale skin. 

Ezra tried to pretend to be annoyed, but AJ could tell he was loving the attention, even though he was obviously still feeling exhausted and ill. As soon as he was dry, AJ helped him with his bathrobe and his crutches, then followed him out of the bathroom and back to the bedroom. After a bit of coaxing, AJ managed to get him clothed in a pair of underwear and laid back on the bed, despite his protests that he was feeling sick again. 

"Laying down might make it go away," AJ pointed out gently, drawing the sheet up over him and getting up, stretching before shedding their clothes. Ezra grunted from the bed and AJ ignored him, wandering to his drawers to dig out a pair of his pajama shorts. 

"That's a sight to make any man feel better," he chuckled, and AJ rolled their eyes, stepping into the shorts and pulling them up, then tightening the drawstring before heading back to bed. It was too hot to wear much more, and Ezra certainly didn't seem to mind. He grinned as they walked back over, and AJ flipped him off casually.

"You clearly aren't feeling that bad, are you?" They laughed, climbing onto the bed and giggling as Ezra reached around them and gave their backside a good squeeze. 

"I'm feeling terribly, awfully sick, and your ass is the only antidote," he grinned, and AJ brushed his hand away gently, pressing the back of their hand to his forehead. "You still feel really hot, my love. Why don't we have a cuddle and watch something?" 

Ezra sighed and shook his head slightly. "I'm not risking a cuddle in case you get sick, but watching something would be nice." 

Deciding against saying anything, AJ just sighed and grabbed their laptop, sitting up against the wall and patting their lap. "Come here at least," they ordered, and Ezra chuckled, then dragged himself over to them, letting his head fall into their lap and settling there happily, one of his arms tucked around their leg, under their knee. He nuzzled at their thighs and AJ chuckled, ruffling his hair lightly.

"Don't get too excited." 

"M'not," Ezra mumbled as AJ opened their laptop on the mattress where they could both see it, then opening Netflix. "Just feeling cuddly, y'know? Touchy." 

"I know, angel, and I'm loving it," AJ answered simply, picking the next Ghibli movie on their list and setting it running before settling back, stroking Ezra's hair absentmindedly while he hugged their leg tighter. He moved his head again, letting out a soft noise - halfway between a sigh and a grunt - as he got comfortable, and making AJ laugh again softly. 

"You make such cute comfy noises," they remarked, and Ezra sighed, his fingertips pressing into AJ's skin lightly. 

"Mm, I can't help it," he said guiltily, almost whining, and AJ smiled, gently taking one of his hands and lacing their fingers together. 

"I honestly think it's cute, sweetheart, I'm not making fun, I promise," they soothed, leaning over him and kissing his cheek a little awkwardly. "And it's always nice to know you're comfy," they added earnestly, and Ezra smiled slightly, although they could tell he was getting sleepy. He didn't say anything, so AJ just let the silence settle between them, focusing on the movie and just stroking Ezra's hair over and over, loving the feeling of those silky curls in their fingers, and the way he occasionally pressed his nose against their thigh, the weight of his head in their lap feeling comforting, grounding. 

"We should do this more often, it's nice," AJ commented after a while, and Ezra hummed agreement, kissing their leg through their shorts. 

"Mm, and the other way around, I like having you laying on me," Ezra murmured, shifting slightly, his body tensing again. "I don't feel so good." 

"I know, baby, but I'm here," AJ soothed, leaning over him and doing their best to hug him, squeezing him gently. "If you think you're going to be sick, tell me and I'll grab the bin, okay? It's alright." 

"I don't think I'm gonna be sick, I just...I feel hot, and my skin is really sensitive," Ezra groaned, and AJ pulled back hurriedly. 

"Am I hurting you?" They asked worriedly, careful not to touch his bare skin. 

"No, it's fine," Ezra sighed, curling up a little tighter, his arm once again wrapping closer around AJ's leg. "It just spiked again, I think the bath helped, but only temporarily." 

"I understand. You just tell me what you want me to do, okay? I'm here for you," AJ murmured, and Ezra nodded slightly, once again turning his head to hide his face in AJ's thighs, but staying there this time, his body relaxing again. 

"Just stay here," he muttered, and AJ nodded, giving his hand a squeeze and sliding their fingers back into his hair, stroking slowly and soothingly. 

"I'm not going anywhere," they assured him softly, turning their attention back to the film, but continuing to play with his hair as he eventually fell asleep again, his whole body going limp under AJ's protective watch.

Ezra only napped for about an hour before he woke up, at which point AJ had moved to sit by the headboard, their legs having gone a bit numb after a while. As soon as Ezra was awake, though, he was scrambling for the bin, leaning over it and groaning softly. AJ sighed and rubbed his back slowly, watching him for a while. He didn't throw up at all, but he did gag a few times, his body trembling. After a short while, he straightened up and collapsed back to the bed with a groan, burying his face in the pillow. 

"I think you should try for some more water," AJ murmured, closing the video they'd been working on and leaning over to ruffle Ezra's hair lightly, the way he liked. "Might make you feel better," they added, testing his forehead and finding that he felt much cooler - still a little hotter than he should have been, but no longer a worryingly high temperature. "You don't feel so hot." 

"I need to pee," Ezra mumbled, his voice muffled by the pillow. AJ couldn't help but laugh softly, smoothing his hair down flat and giving him a gentle push. 

"Go on, then. I'm not letting you do that in the bin." 

Ezra snorted weakly and slowly sat up, burying his face in his hands for a moment before reaching for his crutches. 

"Do you need help?" AJ asked gently, and he shook his head, hauling himself up into a standing position. 

"No, thanks. I'll be alright, sweetheart. I'd love a tea, though." 

AJ smiled and got up, kissing his cheek quickly and darting past him to open the door for him. "Here you go, I'll make you a nice ginger tea with some honey." 

Stumbling ever so slightly, Ezra followed them to the doorway and paused, smiling at them. "I love you," he murmured, and AJ felt a rush of warmth in their chest, deep affection filling them up from the inside. 

"I love you too, angel. Go on, sort yourself out," they chuckled fondly, and Ezra nodded, hurrying down the hall a little unsteadily. AJ watched him go for a moment, then shook their head slightly and headed to the kitchen, humming to themself quietly. It didn't take long to boil the kettle or to dig through Anathema's extensive herbal tea collection, and AJ was soon carrying a steaming mug back to the bedroom, setting it down on the bedside table. Ezra seemed to be asleep, so AJ began to tidy, clearing away their old mug and a couple of other things while keeping an eye on their partner. 

As soon as they sat down on the bed, however, Ezra woke from his doze, reaching for them sleepily. AJ smiled down at him and quickly picked up the cooling tea, offering it to him. 

"Smells good, sweetheart," he mumbled, heaving himself up and leaning back against the headboard before taking the mug carefully. "Thanks." 

"It wasn't exactly difficult," AJ shrugged, resting their hand on his thigh while he drank, watching him and trying to shake off their own tiredness. Ezra just shot them a look, too busy with his tea to say anything, and AJ simply laid back, rubbing their eyes with the heels of their hands. It wasn't long before Ezra was setting the tea aside and laying down as well, sighing softly. 

"You promise not to get sick?" He asked quietly, and AJ chuckled, rolling over to face him and smiling as their eyes met his. 

"I swear," they grinned, and Ezra opened his arm, laughing as AJ scrambled up against his chest, burying their face in him and letting out a happy sigh. This only lasted a moment or two, however, before they both realised it hadn't been a good idea. It was far,  _ far  _ too warm for sharing body heat, and they were pulling away from one another within a few minutes. 

"Sorry, baby," AJ sighed, and Ezra smiled sadly, shaking his head. 

"It's not your fault, beautiful. And I never thought I'd like being called 'baby,' but I think it sounds lovely from you," he added, and AJ blinked, then smiled hesitantly. 

"I didn't realise I was saying it," they admitted shyly, biting their lip. "I um...I don't like being called it." 

Ezra seemed uncertain, swallowing as he just stared at them for a moment. "You don't have to say it, if you-" 

"No, I um...it doesn't bother me this way around, I just...I'm surprised," AJ smiled, relaxing suddenly. They'd been called 'baby' far too many times when they'd just been starting out their...career as a sex worker. Gabriel had loved calling them his little baby and- 

"AJ," Ezra called softly, his voice singsong and gentle, cutting through the thronging memories and causing AJ to wince as the recollection fell apart in tatters. "You looked out of it, are you alright?" Ezra asked quickly, sounding rather worried, and AJ felt a flash of guilt. 

"Yeah, I just...memories, y'know?" They explained shakily, then swallowed. "Um. I think I need another hug." 

Ezra nodded, still looking concerned, but already pulling AJ back towards him. "C'mere, then. Come on, my love. It's alright. You're here now," he soothed, and AJ let out a soft sigh, pressing their face into the crook of his neck. His arms were strong and safe around them, squeezing gently, protecting them from everything, his warmth and the softness of his skin comforting them. They still couldn't stay close together for too long, but AJ broke away from the embrace already feeling ten times better, relaxing as they curled up on their side of the bed. 

"How do you feel now?" AJ asked diplomatically, knowing Ezra would be struggling to find something to say and wanting to spare him the trouble for once. 

"Better. Definitely not myself, still sensitive and a bit nauseous, but not like I'm dying." 

"Good," AJ said simply, then reached out and gently fixed an errant blond curl. "How about a nice massage?" 

Ezra's eyes widened and he grinned, turning his head to kiss AJ's hand before they could withdraw it. "Please, I'd love that." 

"Alright, angel, on your back," AJ ordered gently, climbing over him carefully and opening the drawer on the bedside table. They dug out a little bottle of lavender massage oil and grabbed the tub of moisturiser as well, pulling the sheet back from Ezra's body. He smiled up at them lovingly, and they knelt down happily, starting with his residual limb. They used the moisturiser on his dry skin, rubbing it in gently, massaging what was left of his muscle before moving up his leg, working out the knots in his thigh as he lay contentedly, his eyes closed, his body utterly relaxed. 

AJ studied him while they worked, taking in his perfect features, thinking about how cute and kissable he was, and smiling to themself when he sighed happily. "I'm so lucky," they said absentmindedly, already working on his other leg, their hands running up his thigh. "I never thought I'd have a relationship at all, and here I am with the best partner I could ever hope for." 

"I just spent like an hour at four a.m. vomiting," Ezra chuckled, his eyes still closed, but his cheeks flushed with pink. 

AJ just snorted and gave the inside of his thigh a very gentle slap, then gently guided him to roll over. "That's not what I mean, and you know it. I was just thinking about all the times you took care of me so well," they murmured, tipping a little of the luxurious oil onto Ezra's back and slowly, carefully spreading it over his skin. It made him glow in the diffused light coming through the thin curtains, and AJ couldn't help but smile as they knelt over his thighs, starting with the small of his back. 

Ezra moaned as soon as they pressed the heels of their hands into his back, and AJ purred triumphantly, working on either side of his spine. "I finally get to take care of you," they added quietly, and Ezra grunted softly. 

"You take care of me every day, sweetheart," he mumbled, then let out another soft sound of pleasure. "You always help me with my prosthesis and make sure I'm comfortable. You comfort me when I have nightmares and you tell me how much you love me when I'm struggling with my body image." 

"I didn't know you did struggle," AJ admitted quietly, and Ezra gave a small shrug, smiling slightly. 

"I do, it's not a big thing. I just sometimes have doubts, y'know? I see the way people look at me sometimes, and I know people think that because I'm fat and disabled, I have less worth than someone who's really fit despite their injuries. I know it's not true, but some days it makes me feel down, but then I come home and I see you, and I know you love me and you think I'm perfect, and it makes me feel better. After all, I must be attractive to have landed someone as stunning as you," he added with a chuckle, and AJ sniffed, taking a deep breath to try to counter the rush of emotion building in their chest. 

"I'm...I want you to know, all the time...I want you to know how much I love you," they mumbled, and Ezra let out a slow breath, his eyes still closed. 

"Is this about what you said when I was in the bath? I feel well enough to talk, if you'd like." 

AJ considered this for a moment, then nodded. "How about I finish first? It would be easier to talk when I'm done." 

"Okay, magpie. Whatever makes you comfortable." 

Smiling to themself, AJ pressed a little harder, and rejoiced in Ezra's soft moan, continuing to work the tension out of everywhere they could find it. Eventually, though, they'd finished working every part of his body, so they carefully wiped away the excess oil and kissed his shoulder before climbing off him. They dumped the cloth they'd used to wipe the oil in the washing basket, then glanced at Ezra as he rolled over. 

"I'm gonna wash my hands, I'll be right back," they announced, and Ezra nodded, watching them go sleepily. They hurried down the hall, washed their hands in the bathroom, and jogged back to Ezra, quickly climbing over him to lay down again, and finally meeting his gaze when they were fully settled. 

Ezra smiled, and AJ sighed, trying to push away their nerves. They didn't really know what was making them nervous, it wasn't really a topic that was likely to upset him, but they supposed that talking about their deepest feelings was still fairly new to them. "I...I just...I think because I've never been in a relationship before, and I...I was a pretty lonely kid, I was bullied, my family were so distant, I...I never really figured out how I...how I show my love for people, if that makes sense," they began uncertainly, and Ezra nodded, his hand resting on their cheek, caressing their skin tenderly. "And I just...I feel like you do that very well, you're always showing me love in so many different ways, and I...I don't feel like enough," AJ admitted shakily, looking away as heat bloomed in their cheeks. Ezra simply sighed. 

"AJ, my love, it's perfectly fine and normal to still be figuring this stuff out. But don't you ever think that you aren't enough for me, or that you have to match me or compete with me. It's not a competition. And part of the reason I shower you with so much love is connected to my own issues," he said quietly, still stroking their cheek while they stared at the sheets, willing themself not to tear up. "I'm still completely fucking terrified of losing you, magpie. That's why I have nightmares all the time. I know I've calmed down a lot since you came home, and I am doing better, but it's still there, and I think it always will be, to an extent. And that drives me to love you as openly as I can, so I can be absolutely certain that every moment I have you, you're fully aware of how much I love you. There's no reason for you to try to match that, okay?" 

AJ sniffed, still not meeting his gaze, but grateful that he was moving closer to them. "But it makes me feel good, and I want you to feel good," they protested softly, and Ezra sighed. 

"I do feel good, sweetheart, I promise. It's all the little things you do that are so important, like asking me about my day when I come home, hugging me when I don't feel so good, trusting me when we have sex. You accept me for who I am, you supported me when I was talking about my trauma. You give me massages and you help me in and out of the bath. I know living with me isn't always easy, it can be difficult when I'm having bad days and having to use crutches all the time, but you never complain." 

"That's because there's nothing to complain about," AJ cut in gently, sniffling again as they shifted closer to him, focusing on the feeling of his hand on their cheek as they moved their gaze up and finally looked into those love-soft blue eyes. "I love you, why would I not want to help you?" 

Ezra chuckled and gave a small shrug. "Well, that's what I mean. If you didn't love me, that would be more difficult, no? Look, sweetheart, grand gestures are overrated, they're easy. What's difficult is being there, day in and day out, through good days and bad days, and that's what you do so well. I think what I'm trying to say is that I think the way you show love is more subtle. And I think you have to cut yourself some slack and think about things in perspective," he murmured, his thumb stroking over their cheek over and over, soothing and gentle. "This is your first relationship, and it's been a pretty intense one so far. You didn't think that this would ever happen to you, and love isn't something that's been abundant in your life. After everything you've been through, frankly I think it's a huge achievement to be here with me now, in love like this. It's natural that love is a new emotion for you to show, but I think you have to realise how much it shows just by you being here, with me. Being able to be intimate with me, not just sexually, but in every other way, is a massive step forward, and I know you love me, because I know that you wouldn't be able to handle all of this otherwise. And maybe the way you show love is just...quieter than mine. Maybe it's just cuddling up to me after a long day, kissing me randomly when you feel like it, being naked around me and comfortable with it. That kind of thing." 

"I do like being naked around you," AJ giggled, but the tears were welling up and spilling, and they couldn't do anything to stop them. Ezra let out a breathy laugh and smiled at them fondly, his eyes brimming over with emotion. 

"Fuck, I love you," he muttered, and AJ sniffled, smiling through their tears. 

"I love you too. Thank you, for telling me it's okay. I've been worrying a lot lately, and I just...I need you to know all the time that I love you."

"I do know, I promise," Ezra soothed, resting his forehead against theirs and closing his eyes, their tears soaking into the pillow. "I promise you," he whispered, and AJ closed their eyes as well, taking a deep, slow breath and just cherishing the feeling, basking in the glow of their shared love. 

"Good," they said simply, and Ezra smiled. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
> I hope you liked this one, I think it's very sweet :)   
> Now I have some good news and bad news.   
> Good news - I have gotten my mojo back with writing this fic a lot (I was struggling a lot with being bored of it and writers block) which means I'm writing faster and should hopefully be able to update a little faster. Unfortunately, the way I got said mojo back was by changing the storyline, and the new plot will be quite a bit more angst-heavy towards the end. A bit like Magpie, it'll hit the peak at about chapter 30ish and be a lot of recovery until the end, and I'll be adding more tags soon to reflect this.   
> However, just a tad more good news to soften the blow - I will also be turning this into a trilogy, and I am 100% certain you will enjoy what I have planned for the third part :)   
> ♡♡♡♡♡


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: very bad dysphoria, in-depth discussion of dysphoria, discussion of transition jealousy, comfort.

The next morning, AJ found themself once again waking up to an empty bed, but this time, when they wandered down the hall, they could hear the shower running. They knocked on the door lightly, leaning their shoulder against it. 

"Ezra?" 

"Yeah?" 

AJ sighed softly, smiling to themself. "Can I come in?" 

"Yeah, it's locked, though," he called back, and AJ just shrugged, hurrying back down the hall. They picked a paperclip up off Ezra's desk, then grabbed their towel and jogged back to the bathroom door, unbending the paperclip and using it to pop the lock out. Once they heard the click, they twisted the handle and slipped inside, shutting and locking the door behind them. The shower was steamed up, so they opened the window before stripping down and knocking on the glass lightly. 

"Can I open the door?" 

The sound of the shower changed, and Ezra slid the door back, smiling up at AJ, holding the showerhead so it wouldn't get the bathroom floor wet. 

"Hey, sweetheart," he grinned, and AJ chuckled, stepping into the shower and leaning down to kiss him softly. Ezra slid his hand up to the back of their head and gently pulled them a little deeper, sighing reluctantly when they broke away. 

"How are you feeling?" AJ asked, gently taking the showerhead from Ezra and putting it back on the hook. "You look better," they commented, reaching for the soap and slowly kneeling down in front of Ezra's shower chair. 

He smiled down at them, his gaze so incredibly soft as they began to stroke the bar over his skin, starting with his legs. "I'm feeling much better, I don't have a temperature anymore and I haven't been sick again," he announced, spreading his legs instinctively, his body relaxing into AJ's touch. They smiled and got up slowly, walking around behind him to wash his back. 

"Yeah? That's great, angel. We can spend some time together today," AJ hummed happily, rubbing the bar over Ezra's skin and massaging the suds into his back so the scent of the expensive soap would last longer. 

"Well, aren't you seeing Mrs. Tracy later?" He asked hesitantly, and AJ nodded, kissing his cheek before starting on his arms, leaning against his back slightly. 

"Yeah, I was, but I told her you were sick," they murmured, and he shook his head, sighing softly. 

"I think you should see her, sweetheart. I'll be okay for a bit, I can try to get some work done. You've seemed down lately and it would be good for you to talk to her," Ezra protested gently, and AJ frowned, walking around in front of him to wash his chest and stomach. 

"Are you sure? I mean, we could always just stay in her flat so I'm close if you need me," they added thoughtfully, and Ezra smiled, nodding slightly. 

"I'll be fine, angel. I promise, and I also promise to text if I need you, okay?" He soothed, his fingers curling around their chin, easily guiding them into another kiss. AJ smiled into it, relaxing slightly and pulling away very slowly. "Okay, I'll call her when we get out, okay?" They hummed, and Ezra reached out, gently taking the soap from them. His other hand clutched at their hip, drawing them closer, guiding them to stand between his legs, and AJ blushed, looking down at him shyly. 

"Let me wash you," Ezra purred softly, leaning forward to kiss their chest before stroking the soap over their stomach. AJ shivered internally, shocked by how good it felt, a soft smile playing at their lips. The bar ran lower, over their hips, and then AJ was tensing, looking down at themself. 

All in an instant, their throat closed up, disgust and detachment choking them, and they batted Ezra's hand away a little more roughly than they'd intended. He blinked, shocked, and looked up at them, his mouth already open. 

"I-I'm sorry," AJ stuttered before he could say anything, tears already pricking at their eyes, self hatred rising. 

_ Look at you, you can't even face your own body, stupid fucking trap.  _

"Oh, no, don't apologise, it's okay," Ezra rushed out, concern written all over his expression, his hands reaching out again, settling on their slim, elegant waist. "I should have asked, come here. Give me a hug, sweetheart." 

"N-no, I...I need a minute," AJ forced out, picking the soap up quickly and shoving it back into the little basket Ezra used for his toiletries. Then they grabbed the showerhead again and washed the soap off their skin, their hands shaking ever so slightly as they tried to drown out that awful voice in their head. 

Ezra sat quietly, patient as ever, and AJ took a deep breath, then slowly, carefully began to wash his back, forcing themself to breathe calmly as they stroked over his skin, making sure the soap was all gone. Once his back was rinsed, they walked around in front of him, kissing his forehead to assure him they weren't upset with him before leaning over and washing him off slowly. He still didn't say anything, but AJ didn't mind, they didn't really want to talk about what had happened, about the flash of dysphoria and the horrible, sickening hatred of their own body. Well, one specific part of it, anyway. 

"AJ," he tried after a while, but AJ just sighed, running their fingers through his hair. 

"Did you wash this? It feels clean." 

"Yeah, before you came in," Ezra mumbled, then gently pulled their hand away from his head. "Sweetheart, I-" 

"I don't want to talk about it right now," AJ said as calmly as they could manage, hanging the showerhead back on the hook abruptly. "Come on, you're gonna go wrinkly." 

"Fine," Ezra sighed, reaching out and gently catching their arm. "Look at me for a moment, sweetheart." 

AJ rolled their eyes, but turned obediently, meeting his gaze despite their reluctance. "What?" 

Ezra smiled sadly and took their hand in both of his, rubbing his thumbs against the back of their hand. "Hey, take a deep breath. We're okay, it's okay. Can you tell me what category of upset this is at least? It's okay if not, you don't have to say anything you don't want to, but was it memories? Body image stuff?" 

"Body stuff," AJ answered flatly, then saw Ezra's expression and forced themself to calm down, their metaphorical hackles flattening. "It's not your fault, I'm just irritable from sleeping badly the past couple nights," they lied quietly, and Ezra nodded, squeezing their hand again gently. 

"Alright, sweetheart. Would a kiss help?" 

"Yeah, but I wanna get out first," AJ mumbled, wincing as they shifted and felt the presence of their most hated body part far, far too distinctly. "I wanna get dressed." 

"Of course," Ezra nodded, smiling again, his eyes full of gentle, loving understanding. "Come on, let's get you covered up," he murmured, turning to switch the shower off. 

A few minutes later, AJ was in bed in their pajama trousers, covered up and feeling a little better. Ezra was sitting on the edge of the bed, rubbing moisturiser into his leg while AJ just lay there, watching him. 

"Ezra? I'm...I'm sorry for being snappy," they mumbled uncertainly, and he just shook his head, glancing over his shoulder to smile at them. 

"I understand, thank you for saying that," he hummed, putting the moisturiser back on the bedside table and swinging his legs up onto the bed to lay back. "But you can talk to me about these things, y'know. I love you, I'm here for you." 

"I know, I'm just...not feeling like talking at the moment," AJ sighed, and Ezra smiled sadly, gently guiding them closer to him. 

"That's okay too. As long as you talk to me eventually, yeah? Come on, how can I make it better?" 

AJ let out a slow breath and closed their eyes for a moment, then leaned in and kissed him softly, their hands sliding up to cup his cheeks, thumbs stroking over his skin as he gently pulled them closer. The kiss stayed slow and loving, but with a touch of passion, AJ eventually rolling Ezra over to climb onto his hips, giggling as they pulled away. Ezra grinned and reached up to play with their hair, twisting a curl around his finger. 

"I hope you're not hinting at something I don't feel well enough for," he chuckled, and AJ rolled their eyes, wriggling slightly so they could lay with their head on his chest, their legs comfortably tucked between his. 

"Mmm, just a nice cuddle," they hummed, stifling a yawn and nuzzling at the soft fabric of his t-shirt. "Would you call Mrs. Tracy for me?" 

"God, you are demanding, aren't you?" Ezra joked, ruffling their hair and leaning over to pick up his phone. "Sure, sweetheart. You can nap if you want, y'know. I know you had trouble sleeping last night." 

"Mmm, thank you, angel," AJ mumbled, already feeling rather sleepy, thanks to how utterly, completely comfortable they were. "I love you." 

"I love you too." 

AJ hummed contentedly and wrapped their arms around him tightly, hugging him happily while they listened to the faint dial tone on his phone. 

A muffled voice answered, and AJ gave Ezra a tiny little squeeze. 

"Hey, Mrs. Tracy. I'm calling for AJ, they're um...busy, but I'm feeling a lot better today, and they were wondering if maybe they could come over to yours later for some tea?....Yeah, that would be great...Perfect, they'll see you then...Thanks, bye!" 

Ezra hung up and combed his fingers through AJ's hair slowly, gently teasing out the tangles. "There. Was that really so difficult?" 

"No, so why are you complaining?" AJ shot back, pressing a kiss to his chest and running their hands up under his shirt to stroke over his stomach, loving the feel of his soft skin under theirs. He chuckled, tossing his phone aside and hugging them back tightly. 

"Should I put some music on? I feel like you could do with some more sleep," Ezra murmured, and AJ shook their head slightly, already starting to doze off as soon as they closed their eyes again. 

"Mm, m'fine. I'm sleepy enough." 

"Okay," Ezra said simply, one of his hands settling in their hair, the other stroking up and down their back slowly. AJ let out a happy little sigh, and dropped off easily, slipping into unconsciousness without any fuss. 

Ezra gently woke AJ after about an hour, although it took quite a bit of patience to coax them into opening their eyes. They still felt exhausted and a bit irritable, and they kept pushing Ezra's hands away until he gave up on shaking their shoulder and stroking their hair and kissed them instead. 

AJ managed to wake up after that, not that it made much difference. All they did up until they had to get ready to see Mrs. Tracy was cuddle up to their partner, after all. But Ezra certainly didn't mind, he kept running his hands over them, kissing different parts of their body, telling them in quiet tones how much he loved their shape, their tummy in particular. 

AJ soaked it all up like a sponge, thriving under Ezra's expert, loving attentions, but when they actually got up to get ready, they found that, once again, what they thought might have been a solution was only a temporary fix. 

Ezra had gone to sit in the living room to give them some space, and as soon as they looked in the mirror, everything came crashing down around them. All AJ could see were the things they hated - their narrow hips, their broad shoulders, their… 

AJ shuddered, running a hand over themself and pushing, trying to flatten their underwear region with the palm of their hand, their breathing a little faster as tears began to prick at their eyes. They just wanted to feel  _ normal.  _

They loathed being so hyper-vigilant about their body, being able to feel their own genitals constantly, always being painfully aware of them. The only times they'd managed to forget about them lately had been when they were completely and utterly wrapped up in Ezra, but even then, it was all too easy to be reminded. 

The hot weather didn't help, AJ knew that. They liked layering, putting tights under shorts, and then a dress over everything, keeping their body completely hidden and unrecognisable, but it was far, far too warm to resort to anything like that, and besides, this was the worst their dysphoria had been in ages. They barely knew how to handle it. 

AJ glanced at their watch and winced, then quickly rummaged in their drawers, pulling out a pair of loose shorts, one of their gaffs, a pair of normal underwear, and a white t-shirt with a little rainbow on it. Ezra had bought it for them while they were in hospital, and they immediately loved it. Setting the clothes on top of the dresser, AJ thought for a moment before digging deeper. Shoved at the back of their drawer were a few sports bras they'd bought years ago and barely worn, and they tugged one out now, inspecting it briefly. The straps were quite thin, more like a normal bra, but the cups were much softer, just enough to give them a slight hint of a chest without feeling like a huge change or being too obvious. AJ bit their lip for a moment, then made a decision and began to get dressed. 

As soon as they'd added a touch of mascara and some fairly simple winged eyeliner to the look, AJ slipped out of the bedroom, gave Ezra a quick kiss goodbye, and headed across the hall, feeling ever so slightly better in themself. They couldn't feel that most despised part of their body anymore, all tucked away, and their chest felt a little less...naked. 

Their knock on the door summoned Mrs. Tracy almost immediately, and she opened the door, smiling at them brightly. 

"Come in, my dear! How are you today, AJ?" 

AJ stepped past her and shoved their hands in the pockets of their loose shorts, briefly wondering how honest to be. Then they sighed and felt a hand on their back, Mrs. Tracy's gaze worried as she rubbed between their shoulders slowly. 

"Not good, huh?" She said softly, and AJ let out a soft sigh, shaking their head without looking at her. 

"No, not good," they whispered, relief flooding through them at the admission. Sometimes it felt good to realise the full extent of their own feelings, especially in such a safe place, with someone they could be completely vulnerable with. 

Mrs. Tracy gently took their elbow, leading them across the flat to the couch and guiding them to sit down carefully. "Alright, dear, just sit tight for a moment. I'll get some tissues and pour out the tea. Take some deep breaths and try to get your thoughts in order." 

AJ nodded and followed her directions, focusing on the feeling of their lungs filling, their chest inflating before slowly sinking. Their fingers curled around the edges of the sofa cushions, their nails digging into the fabric lightly as they tried to calm down, but it wasn't any use. They'd been shoving it all down, and now the bottle was full, and Mrs. Tracy had stuck a screw in the cork. 

"Here you are, my dear. Some chamomile to calm you down," Mrs. Tracy announced, bustling in as if on cue and handing AJ a delicate teacup. They smiled up at her weakly and she sat beside them slowly, setting a box of tissues down on the coffee table. "There. Now, out with it," she smiled, and AJ sniffed, taking one last deep breath, infused with the calming scent of chamomile. 

"I...I've been having really bad dysphoria," they admitted quietly, looking down into the steaming yellow liquid. "Like...terrible." 

"I'm sorry, darling. Did something specific trigger it?" Mrs. Tracy asked delicately, and AJ simply shrugged, completely unable to come up with an answer. 

"I...I don't really know...it started when I met Lizzy for the first time since the hospital," AJ mumbled, shame making their cheeks burn, tears already threatening, squeezing their throat. "I...I guess I g-got really jealous, a-and I feel awful about it, but I can't help it," they whimpered, their hands started to shake, their grip on their teacup tightening slightly as the floodgates opened and they could no longer stop themself from pouring it all out. "I had this huge panic in the shower with Ezra a-and I...I c-can't look at my body anymore!" AJ gasped, feeling Mrs. Tracy's hands on theirs, gently prising the cup out of their grip before their shakes could cause them to spill. 

"Shhh, AJ, deep breaths," she soothed, her arm wrapping around them, and AJ leaned into her desperately, staring straight ahead of them blankly as the tears finally started to gather in their eyes. 

"I e-even tucked to come here, I-I'm wearing a bra for the first time in years...I d-don't know what's wrong with me!" They wailed, and Mrs. Tracy sighed, setting the cup aside before gently pulling AJ into a proper hug, stroking their hair as they buried their face in her neck. 

"I don't think there's anything wrong with you, darling, I really don't," she murmured, squeezing them tightly as they dug their fingertips into her back, beginning to sob very softly. Everything felt so overwhelming, every touch felt so amplified, their whole body sensitive, and AJ couldn't help but break down. It was all too much, and their reaction to too much was to simply cry. 

Mrs. Tracy sighed softly, one hand still cradling the back of AJ's head as she rocked them gently, shushing them comfortingly. "Hey, hey, it's okay. It's alright. We'll get through this together, I promise. It's all going to be okay," she said slowly, her voice as careful as her touch, her grip on them tightening slightly as they gasped for breath between sobs. "Have you talked to Ezra?" 

AJ shook their head slightly and Mrs. Tracy clicked her tongue quietly, giving them a gentle squeeze before pushing them away from her. Immediately wrapping their arms around themself, AJ sniffled, their whole body trembling as they struggled to stop sobbing. Mrs. Tracy cupped their chin in one hand, smiling at them sadly as she took a tissue and dabbed at their eyes. 

"Come on, my dear, you're going to ruin that lovely makeup," she teased very gently, and AJ, despite everything, managed a tiny smile. They took the tissue from her carefully and she kissed their forehead, then took one of their hands and squeezed it tightly. "I think the best person to talk to about this is Ezra," she pointed out slowly, and AJ winced, opening their mouth to reply, but she beat them to it. "He loves you, AJ. So, so much. And he's been through a lot of this, the other way around, he'll understand, and you can...you can trust him to be gentle and loving, not to mention the fact that he's the one who interacts with your body the most, apart from you." 

AJ sniffed and gave a shrug, looking down at their lap and ignoring the fresh round of tears rolling down their cheeks. "I'm scared," they admitted in a tiny voice, and Mrs. Tracy let out a breath. 

"What of, my dear?" She prompted gently, and AJ bit their lip before answering, tasting their own salty tears on their skin. 

"I...I don't want him to stop loving me," they whispered, almost under their breath, and, to their shock, Mrs. Tracy laughed. 

"Oh, AJ. That's not going to happen," she said firmly, giving their hand a tight squeeze. "Ezra understands dysphoria, he's not going to reject you over yours, I promise you." 

"But it's getting worse," AJ mumbled, still staring down, feeling as if their mind was dancing around something, something they knew unconsciously, but couldn't quite get their thoughts around. 

Mrs. Tracy went quiet for a moment, then spoke very quietly, her voice gentle and slow. "Do you think you might be more woman-aligned than you thought?" She asked carefully, and there it was. The elephant in the room - well, in AJ's overcrowded, overwhelmed mind. They choked, tears welling up again and spilling over as they nodded shakily, twisting the tissue in their fingers. 

The realisation stung, but it felt oddly right, although heavy in their stomach. They'd been feeling different lately, even before their hospitalisation, and it made sense for Lizzy and her transition to have been a catalyst for all of it. Seeing her so happy and being faced with her changes had brought AJ's feelings up to the surface, triggering their jealousy and worsening their dysphoria. Their breath hitched, and then they were sobbing again, their whole body shaking and trembling under the sheer weight of their emotion. 

"E-Ezra won't like it!" AJ managed to choke out, and Mrs. Tracy gathered them up into a warm, calming embrace, rocking them once again. 

"Oh, AJ, don't be silly," she sighed, giving them a light squeeze. "I know this is scary, and I know it's a huge, new thing, but Ezra will love you the same no matter what your gender is. I promise you," she soothed, and AJ buried their face in her neck, wishing they could truly believe every word. 

It took them a little while longer to calm down this time, shaking against Mrs. Tracy's chest, but she was patient and gentle with them, holding them until they eventually started to pull away. AJ did their best to dry their cheeks, tears still running over their skin even as their sobs subsided, a shaky smile balanced on the sea of overwhelming emotion. 

"I-I'm sorry," they managed, and Mrs. Tracy shook her head, reaching up to tuck their hair back behind their ear carefully. 

"You're okay, there's no need to apologise. It's a scary realisation, I understand. But there's no need to have everything figured out all at once, okay? We can talk through things, and you can talk to Ezra, and I think it would be a great idea for you to talk to Lizzy. She went through all this figuring it out stage a lot more recently than me, and times have changed a lot," she pointed out quietly, brushing a tear off AJ's cheek and taking their hand again tightly. 

AJ winced, a little uncertain as they looked down at their lap. "I...I'd feel bad after being so jealous," they admitted quietly, and Mrs. Tracy shook her head, squeezing their hand soothingly. 

"Jealousy is a normal human emotion, AJ. It's especially difficult among trans people, because we all want to be supportive and happy for our friends and loved ones, but seeing them at different stages of transition is very difficult. It's completely normal to be jealous, and it's okay, as long as you don't take it out on that person, which I can't imagine you doing. Lizzy will understand, I'm sure. I've talked to her quite a bit and she's lovely and very sweet, I'm sure she'd be more than willing to hold your hand and help you," Mrs. Tracy assured them softly, handing them their cup and silently encouraging them to drink. AJ took a long sip of the lukewarm tea and sighed, letting the flavour distract them from the tight, painful feeling in their chest. 

"I just...I don't understand, why now?" They mumbled, looking up and finally meeting Mrs. Tracy's gaze as she smiled at them sympathetically. "I just...I've been so secure in my gender for so many years, why is it...why is it suddenly a huge issue?" 

"You're in a very different stage of life," Mrs. Tracy shrugged, pushing their hand again lightly to get them to drink more of the herbal tea. "I do feel like you've matured a lot lately, and you're now in a much safer position. Trauma changes the brain, did you know that? People who've experienced trauma during their childhood end up developing differently, and their energy ends up being more heavily devoted to survival than anything else. I think what you're going through now is a big change in the way you experience life," she went on quietly, while AJ just listened and drank, letting go of their emotions for a while to take in everything she was saying. "You now have the time and the ability to focus on other things. You feel safe and protected with Ezra, and you don't need to constantly be worrying about whether you're going to be hurt or whether you're going to make enough to pay rent. It's completely normal and understandable for new things to be coming up, for you to be changing. Essentially, your inner life was put on hold for eight years, and you're finally free to explore yourself, you have all the time in the world to devote to your inner life. That's bound to allow you to turn up some new things," Mrs. Tracy smiled, caressing AJ's cheek lightly. "And I know it's scary and even painful sometimes, but try to look at it from a different perspective. You're finally growing into yourself, and that's something to celebrate. You don't have to be constantly strong anymore, allow yourself to be vulnerable and open yourself up to the new you. The  _ real  _ you. And I promise you, Ezra will welcome you with open arms, and he will love you just as much, okay?" 

AJ managed a tiny nod, enraptured. They were struggling to take it all in, to understand just how different everything was. A soft breath slipped past their lips and they looked away, then back at Mrs. Tracy. 

"You're right, I...I'm glad I get this chance to become...me. But I'm still scared about telling Ezra. I'm...he had enough trouble getting used to being with someone nonbinary, I...I'm not sure how he'd react to suddenly being in a relationship with a trans woman." 

Mrs. Tracy looked at AJ for a second, then squinted slightly. "You realise that all of his previous relationships were with women, right? And out of his four closest friends, including you and me, there are two out trans women? AJ, you're not thinking clearly," she insisted softly, her tone still gentle and calm, not even showing the tiniest hint of frustration. 

AJ sighed stubbornly and just shrugged. Of course they knew that the odds were high that Ezra would accept them without even blinking, but they couldn't get rid of that nagging doubt. After all, he'd never dated a trans woman before, and dating was different than friendship. It may have been a small chance, but AJ couldn't face the idea that there was even a fraction of a percent chance that Ezra would reject them. At the very least, not until they were more sure of themself. "I'm not ready," they said simply, and Mrs. Tracy nodded, drawing them into a brief hug. 

"I understand. But remember communication is the foundation of a strong relationship. And I really, really think you should talk to Lizzy at least. She'll be able to help you in ways I can't." 

AJ nodded, looking down again as she pulled away and letting out a deep sigh. "I'm sorry for being such a mess, I just...I think I'm tired from Ezra being sick and all, y'know?" 

"Don't apologise, AJ. I'm here for you, that's what family is for," Mrs. Tracy soothed quietly, her hand stroking over their hair, warm and comforting. "And I think you're probably right, a lot of this is made worse by tiredness. Sleep is the closest thing we know of to a magic cure-all," she added with a chuckle, and AJ nodded, stifling a yawn and glancing down into their teacup with a quiet sigh. "Thank you."

Eventually, after a long talk about Ezra's brief illness, Mrs. Tracy's argument with one of her tenants over the rental agreement, and AJ's already growing social media presence, AJ felt like they'd calmed down enough to head home. Mrs. Tracy walked them to the door and gave them one last, long hug, then waved as they left her apartment. They'd forgotten the spare key to theirs, so they just knocked and waited, leaning against the doorframe until Ezra finally unlocked the door, opening it and looking up at them in surprise. 

"AJ? Have you been crying?" He asked quietly, gently taking their arm and pulling them into the apartment. AJ winced and looked down at their shoes, shrugging and trying to ignore the warmth of Ezra's hands on their cheeks. They should have thought about their makeup. 

"You have, haven't you," Ezra stated softly, his voice full of nothing but worry, his touch loving and tender as he wrapped an arm around their waist to pull them closer. But AJ was suddenly feeling trapped and panicky, pushing him away as gently as they could. 

"I'm okay, I just...I'm fine," they muttered, crouching down to take their shoes off. Ezra sighed and crouched beside them, his hand finding their hair and stroking very slowly.

"Are you? You don't look it." 

"I just...don't want to talk about it right now," AJ managed, and Ezra nodded, straightening up and waiting patiently for them to finish slipping their sneakers off. As soon as they stood up, though, he was gently taking one of their hands, giving it a light squeeze. 

"What would make you feel better? A nice cuddle?" 

AJ let out a slow breath, trying to keep calm even as the emotion rose, making their chest feel tight. They didn't dare look at Ezra, knowing if they saw his concerned expression and loving gaze, they'd start crying all over again. "That would be nice," they mumbled at last, and Ezra nodded, leading them down the hall and straight into his bedroom. Relieved, AJ crawled straight into bed and curled up facing the wall, hugging themself loosely. Ezra sighed softly and sat down on the edge of the bed to remove his prosthesis before moving to lay behind them slowly, his arm sliding around their waist, his knees tucking into the backs of theirs. 

"I'm here, sweetheart. I've got you." 

"No matter what?" AJ prompted softly, needing more, needing everything. 

Ezra pressed himself even closer to them, leaning over them slightly to kiss his cheek. "I love you," he answered firmly, his grip on them tight and protective. "I'll always be here, I'll always hold you when you're upset, I promise. No matter what. Because you mean the world to me, and I can't imagine wanting anything more than I want you to be happy." 

AJ closed their eyes against the tears welling up and just let out a soft sigh. "I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I decided to update a little early as a little celebration of getting back on track with this story :)   
> I hope you enjoyed it (even though things are a bit difficult for these two atm) ♡  
> As always, let me know what you thought! Comments really help me keep motivated :)


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: very bad dysphoria, discussion of dysphoria, sexual content, dissociation (due to sexual touching and dysphoria), lots of comfort.

AJ hurried into the restaurant, feeling a bit flustered as they spotted Lizzy and jogged over, their heels clicking against the floor. She looked up and smiled at them, waving them over, and AJ relaxed slightly, collapsing into the seat across from her and dumping their little backpack next to them. 

"I'm sorry, I completely lost track of time and-" 

"It's okay, it's okay!" Lizzy cut in quickly, laughing softly as she waved a perfectly manicured hand. "Don't worry, hon, I was late too, I had to drop something off at Anathema's work and ended up having an argument with one of her coworkers." 

AJ blinked, tilting their head curiously, and Lizzy heaved a sigh, rolling her eyes. 

"Don't ask. How was your morning, anyway? I'm so glad you asked me to lunch, I've been worried about you getting lonely." 

Blushing, AJ looked down at the table, biting their lip as their eyes ran over the menu. "I um...it was good, actually, I...I made another video yesterday and I just finished uploading it this morning," they murmured, trying to push down the nerves unsuccessfully. 

"That sounds good, what was the video?" Lizzy asked quietly, and AJ swallowed, glancing up, then looking down again, their hands twisting in their lap. 

"It was about tailoring women's jeans to fit amab people more comfortably," they mumbled, then forced a deep breath just as Lizzy spoke again, her voice gentle. 

"AJ, you seem really nervous, are you okay? You...you aren't normally like this with me," she pressed softly, and AJ bit the inside of their cheek hard, closing their eyes for a moment. 

"I...I need to talk to you about something, a-and it's difficult for me," they admitted shakily, that little voice in the back of their head berating them again, telling them they were worthless and stupid. Their gaze lifted to Lizzy's and she smiled worriedly, reaching across the table to offer AJ her hands. 

"That's okay, hon, I'm here to listen. You're my friend, I care about you," she assured them softly, and AJ swallowed again, their mouth feeling dry, their tongue thick. 

"I...I've...I've been having really bad dysphoria lately, a-and I think I'm...I'm jealous of you," they answered shakily, and Lizzy blinked, then nodded slightly. 

"I understand, and I'm sorry that you've been having a hard time," she said slowly, flashing AJ a sad, sympathetic smile. "How about you take a few nice deep breaths for me, and then we can talk about things? I know it helped me a lot when I started talking to people about my dysphoria, and I'm more than willing to listen to you and help where I can." 

AJ sagged in relief, their worst confession out there, already spoken and completely accepted. Lizzy didn't seem at all upset by it, despite AJ searching her face for the smallest indication that she was angry or offended. Managing a tiny smile, AJ leaned against the back of their chair, looking at Lizzy for a moment before dropping their gaze back down to the table. 

"I...can we just talk about normal stuff for a bit and come back to it?" AJ asked quietly, and Lizzy nodded, picking up her menu and opening it on the table in front of her. 

"Of course. What are you going to have? I'm under strict instructions to forbid you from having a salad," she added, and AJ laughed softly, rolling their eyes as they reached for their own menu. 

"I don't think this place even has salads, not as mains, anyway," they commented, flipping it open and looking through the options thoughtfully. 

"I don't think they do," Lizzy answered, then hesitated for a moment before going on. "Does it bother you? I mean, I know he's got your best interests in mind, but do you ever feel like Ezra is...controlling?" 

AJ blinked and looked up, tilting their head slightly as they considered this. "No, but I can see why it might seem that way from an outside perspective," they said at last, after due thought. "Because if I turned around and said to him that I was having a really, really bad day with my body image and I needed him to back down, or that I just actually wasn't that hungry and fancied a salad, he would understand. Obviously if I said the former, he wouldn't just walk away, he'd talk me through things and comfort me, but he'd do that when we were home and in a safe environment, or he'd just take me home straightaway. The thing is, he looks after me, but he acknowledges that I'm an adult and that I still have the ability to make my own choices." 

Lizzy nodded, resting her elbow on the table and her chin in her hand as she listened, her blue eyes studying AJ until they finished. "He really is lovely to you, isn't he?" She smiled, and AJ nodded, their heart warming at the thought of their perfect partner, of his caring nature. 

"He is, I'm very lucky," they said sincerely, looking down at the menu again and letting out a soft sigh. "I've never been here before, it always seemed too expensive." 

"Oh, well, what do you like? I can help you choose," Lizzy offered, and AJ smiled, nodding slightly. 

After a few minutes, AJ settled on a vegan katsu curry and they both ordered the next time the waiter came by. Once he'd left, Lizzy smiled at AJ, watching while they took a sip of their water. 

"So, how's everything else going with you? No issues with your ankle or anything?" She asked, and AJ shook their head, swallowing before answering. 

"No, I haven't had any issues, really. It's still a bit stiff sometimes, but it doesn't hurt or anything. I'm really tempted to find a studio somewhere that has a pole, but I think it would be too soon for Ezra. He's still overprotective about some things, and I do my best not to push too hard on those things, I don't want to upset him." 

"Like what?" Lizzy asked gently, and AJ shrugged. 

"He doesn't want me to leave the flat alone if it's dark, or go anywhere near the club. He's only really just started not freaking out if I go out on my own during the day, he used to insist that I went with someone. He also doesn't really like it when I shower alone," they added quietly, looking down again and feeling the blush rising. 

"What? That seems really weird," Lizzy chuckled, and AJ sighed, shaking their head slightly. 

"I um...one time, when you and Anathema were out and it was just me and him, I um...I took a shower and locked the door and I had a...a panic attack. I can't remember what triggered it, but something reminded me of taking showers after...after dealing with bad clients, and I panicked so badly that I passed out. I was already sitting on the floor, so I didn't fall far, but I was laying on the drain," AJ mumbled, tucking their hair back behind their ear awkwardly. "He heard me fall, luckily, and by the time he got to me, the water was rising. I was okay, nothing happened, but he...he doesn't like it if he's not there," they finished awkwardly and Lizzy cleared her throat. 

"I um...I'm sorry, for...for laughing, I-" 

"It's fine, you didn't know, and it sounds odd, I know," AJ said quickly, managing a small smile. "I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining about him, either." 

"You're allowed to complain about your partner every now and then," Lizzy smiled, reaching over the table and gently taking one of AJ's hands. "It keeps you sane, and it's natural for some things to not be entirely compatible. Especially when it comes to trauma. Anathema has struggled with a lot of homophobia, and I've dealt with a lot of transphobia, so sometimes she has trouble showing affection to me in public, for example. She's scared of someone being homophobic, so she pulls away from me, and I think she's ashamed of me, because I still have a lot of internalised transphobia to work through." 

AJ blinked, shock passing through them in a cold wave. "I used to have that with Ezra, when he was scared of Michael seeing us," they said quickly, and Lizzy nodded, smiling sadly. 

"It seems like a common thing among the trans people I've spoken to. But I'm a lot better with it already than when we started dating, and that's the key, y'know? Working through things. It's okay to complain about your partner to others, but the key to a healthy relationship is bringing up those concerns to your partner and working through them." 

"Yeah, I feel like I can do that with Ezra on most things," AJ smiled, giving Lizzy's hand a slight squeeze. "And he's very good at realising when I'm not super excited about stuff and asking me, y'know?" 

"Yeah, asking always makes it so much easier to discuss things," Lizzy agreed, then let go of AJ's hand as the waiter walked over, setting two plates down. AJ blinked in surprise, picking up their fork slowly. 

"This is a lot more food than I thought," they chuckled, and Lizzy smiled. 

"Don't worry, I've been here a lot of times with Ezra, he loves that dish, he'll finish up anything you box up." 

AJ nodded, comforted by the knowledge that the food wouldn't go to waste, and began to eat, pleasantly surprised by the flavour and how much they liked it. For a while, they just concentrated on eating, chewing every bite thoroughly and trying their best to enjoy the food, but eventually, Lizzy looked up at them thoughtfully. 

"You know, I'm not really surprised that you said you're having trouble with jealousy," she remarked, and AJ looked up from their plate, blinking at her. "I remember thinking you seemed kind of upset the first couple times we met after your hospital stay. Have you talked to Ezra?" 

AJ blushed immediately and sighed, shaking their head and poking at their ride with their fork. "Um...no, not yet. I only really just figured it all out, talking to Mrs. Tracy. I...I'm kind of scared," they confessed quietly. "Of everything. I...I've found it really hard, being non binary, and I'm kind of scared that if I take that step and accept that I...I might be a trans woman, it'll be harder. And...and that Ezra might not...accept me," they added softly, and Lizzy nodded sympathetically. 

"Anathema was the first person I came out to," she sighed, setting her fork down slowly. "I was terrified, because we had such a great relationship already, even though we weren't really 'dating.' I knew she had trans friends, but being friends with a trans woman and dating one are two very different things, and I really felt she was going to reject me. But Ezra...there's absolutely  _ no way,"  _ she chuckled, giving them an encouraging smile. "For a start, he's bi with a leaning towards women, he's trans himself, most of his friends are trans women...not to mention the fact that he's absolutely head over heels crazy in love with you." 

"I know," AJ sighed, still looking down. "But...it's an irrational fear, there's no real way around it." 

"I know," Lizzy sighed, reaching across the table again to rub their forearm lightly. "But if Ezra isn't supportive, I will give you every penny I have," she grinned, and AJ managed a soft laugh, tilting their head slightly as she went back to her food. 

"Oh, I could do with another five pounds twenty-eight," they teased, and she laughed, shaking her head slightly as they let out a quiet little sigh. "I just...I really want to tell him, but I want to be sure first, does that make sense?" 

"Absolutely," Lizzy nodded, scooping up some rice with her fork. "What would make you feel sure?" 

"I don't really know," AJ admitted quietly, shrugging as they pushed their plate aside slightly. "I guess I was hoping you would help me with that." 

"Tell me about your dysphoria," Lizzy ordered with a smile, and AJ gave a soft snort. "If it upsets you too much, we can talk about something else." 

"No, that's fine, I think I'll be okay," AJ smiled, looking down again as if trying to find wisdom in the little spot of curry sauce they'd spilled on their placemat. "I um.." they cleared their throat and tried again, shifting uncomfortably. "I've been tucking a lot lately, that's my main source of dysphoria. I um...I've not been able to be touched much, and I just...I feel it there, all the time, y'know? I feel like people are looking at it and I feel really...out in the open. It feels heavy and just...there," they mumbled, struggling to explain the indescribable. "I've been filling out on my hips a bit, and I've noticed that I really like that look, but um...I wish my chest was...just a small chest, y'know? I just feel really flat, and again, hyper-aware that there's nothing there. I don't...I don't mind my face so much," they added quietly, shrugging with one shoulder. "I got my facial hair removed ages ago, and I just...I feel like I look quite androgynous, especially with makeup. But everything else...I struggle with." 

Lizzy nodded, pushing her plate to the side and gently taking AJ's hands, giving them a light squeeze. "It does sound a lot like what I experience, most days I can't be touched in that area at all, Anathema and I have learned to work around it. But, it has been better with hormones, it...it's different, y'know?" 

Shaking their head, AJ held Lizzy's hands a little tighter, their mouth once again feeling dry. "I...I haven't done much research into estrogen," they mumbled, and Lizzy nodded, looking awkward for a moment before sighing. 

"Well, I um...it's smaller, and softer, even during arousal. And I've started getting a chest, and I've filled out more in my hips and thighs. My skin is a lot clearer, and I just...I feel a lot happier in myself. I think you should do some research and see if the changes seem like something you'd want," she smiled, rubbing their knuckles with her thumb. 

"From what you've said, yes, they are," AJ sighed, biting their lip lightly. "Which is both relieving and also very scary." 

Lizzy chuckled, giving AJ's hands another squeeze. "I understand the feeling. Do you feel like you're sure enough to talk to Ezra?" She asked gently. "I feel like that's the next natural step for you, and I get the feeling that he'll be able to help you handle things. He's really good with helping you through stuff, and I think you need his comfort and support right now." 

AJ sighed, but nodded agreement, despite the horrible nerves stirring in their stomach, mixing rather badly with the food they'd just eaten. "Yeah, I...I think I'm going to do some research first. I'm going to give myself a break today, do some research tomorrow, and talk to him tomorrow evening." 

"That sounds good. Having a plan always makes me feel better," Lizzy smiled, and AJ relaxed, gently pulling their hands from hers so they could take a drink from their water.

"Me too." 

When AJ got home from their rather revelatory lunch, they put their leftovers in the fridge and quietly put themself to work on their latest portfolio piece, a plain jersey knit dress in a lovely olive green they planned to layer with some tights and a belt and jacket for autumn. Ezra had gotten them the fabric as a gift when he'd seen it on sale on Ebay, and they intended to make full use of it. 

It was relaxing to throw themself into their work, allowing themself to get wrapped up in it, completely focused. They didn't have to think about anything else, just listening to the whirr of the sewing machine and the satisfying sound of their fabric scissors slicing through the material. In fact, AJ was so caught up in their work that they barely heard the front door open, still bent to the machine, pins held between their lips. A few moments later, and the bedroom door opened, making AJ jump as they looked around hurriedly. 

Ezra shut the door behind him and looked back at them, forcing an exhausted smile. AJ stared at him for a second, then took the pins out of their mouth, about to ask him if he was okay, just as he began to limp over to them. Blinking in confusion and worry, AJ stood up hurriedly, and Ezra wrapped them up in his arms silently, burying his face in their neck and letting out a deep sigh. 

AJ found their voice at last, their fingers sliding up into those soft straw-blond curls, their other arm as far around his soft waist as they could reach. "Angel, what's wrong?" They breathed, and he sniffed, his grip on them tightening briefly before he gently began to pull away, trembling ever so slightly. AJ winced and quickly helped him over to the bed, their hands going to his belt buckle before he could sit down. 

"Shh, I've got you, angel. Let me sort you out," they murmured, kissing his cheek as he managed a small smile, his blue eyes dull and lacklustre. "What's wrong, angel?"

"I had a really bad day," he mumbled at last, and AJ chuckled nervously, pulling his jeans down before gently guiding him to sit on the bed. 

"I can tell that, what happened?" They prompted, crouching down to pull Ezra's jeans off completely, then starting to work on his prosthesis. 

"Everything," Ezra snorted, already seeming to come back to himself, his hand finding AJ's hair and stroking slowly. "It was so busy at the coffee shop and because it's half-term, there were loads of kids, which I don't mind, I just...I see a lot of parents like yelling at their kids and stuff, and I don't like that kind of thing, it upsets me. And then I found out that the other intern messed up on the document I've been working on and it's going to take me weeks to fix his mistake...it's just not been a good day. I've been looking forward to seeing you so much," Ezra murmured, his hand sliding down to caress AJ's cheek, his smile small, but genuine as they glanced up at him. 

"Well, you're here now," AJ smiled, and grabbed the moisturiser off the bedside table, carefully lifting Ezra's residual limb from the socket. "What do you wanna do?" 

"First, I wanna ask you about your day, magpie," Ezra announced, already sounding much happier, his voice bright as AJ peeled the liners away from his skin and began to spread the lotion over his leg. 

"Go on then," they teased, not feeling entirely in the mood for bickering, but knowing it would make Ezra feel better. He let out a slow breath and stroked their cheek again, making AJ smile as they leaned forward and pressed a loving kiss to his knee. 

"How was your day, my love?" He murmured, and AJ got up, grabbing a towel and laying it down on the bed.

"It was good, thanks," they hummed, pointing to the towel. "Lay down, angel, that's it," they smiled, supporting him as he shifted, then lay down slowly, carefully. Then AJ grabbed the massage oil from the bedside table, tipping a small amount onto one of his thighs and getting to work. Ezra let out a soft moan and closed his eyes, settling down comfortably while AJ worked the tension from his muscles. 

"I had a really nice lunch with Lizzy, I have lots of leftovers for you. And I posted that video, it's already getting some attention. Still been missing you, though," AJ added with a soft smile, and Ezra chuckled, opening his eyes to gaze at them lovingly.

"You don't have to ham it up that much for me, sweetheart. But, for the record, I've been missing you too," he grinned, and AJ laughed, leaning over him and just staring into those beautiful blue eyes for a moment. Then they smiled and leaned down, savouring the moment, savouring the first kiss of the evening as their lips brushed his, then connected, sending that familiar little thrill down their spine. Ezra slid his hand into their hair gently, and AJ eagerly pulled him deeper. He broke away first, dropping his head back to the pillow with a soft sigh, his eyes still closed. 

"Mm, I really want a cuddle, but this massage is making me feel so much better," he mumbled, and AJ smiled, shifting their weight back so they could finish the massage, their hands gentle, but firm against his skin. 

"Good, I'm nearly done," they murmured, kissing his stomach lightly and tracing a circle around his belly button with one fingertip. Ezra shivered slightly and stifled a yawn, just as AJ sat back, wiping the excess oil from his thighs and taking the towel out from under him before flopping to the bed beside him and immediately cuddling up to his side. 

Ezra chuckled softly and rolled over to hug them properly, letting out a soft, contented sigh as they buried their face in his chest. His hand came up to their hair immediately, stroking slowly, and AJ smiled to themself ever so slightly. They loved pressing themself to him like this, forgetting about their body for a while and just melting against the mattress, against their partner. He always held them so tenderly, so calmly, and despite everything, it made them feel safe and relaxed, their whole body warmed by his. 

After a few long minutes, Ezra gently began to disentangle himself from AJ, ignoring their whines of protest, his hands cupping their jaw. They opened their eyes lazily, gazing at him, at those beautiful, loving blue eyes, and he kissed them, very softly. 

"I'm so lucky," he breathed, breaking away and carefully rolling AJ onto their back, straddling them easily. AJ blinked, but trusted him, one hand sliding into his hair as he nuzzled at their jaw, then pressed a soft kiss to the side of their neck, his lips warm and gentle. AJ's eyelids fluttered, a soft sigh that was very nearly a moan escaping their lips. "My beautiful little bird," Ezra murmured, his voice low and seductive, his praise spoken in such a genuine, loving tone. "How pretty you are." 

AJ closed their eyes, Ezra's hands roaming, running down their sides, fingers curling under the hem of their shirt. A fumbling moment later, and it was off, Ezra's lips immediately finding their bare chest. "My brave, stunning sweetheart," he mumbled, kissing down the centre of their chest while his hands stroked up and down their ribs, making them shiver ever so slightly. Then his teeth grazed their nipple and AJ was squirming, whining ever so softly, their fingers curling in Ezra's hair. He ran his hands lower and AJ started to feel it, their body responding to his touch, their arousal growing. Their length began to fill out slowly, sudden hatred rising, acidic in their throat as, all of a sudden, all they could feel was that part of them they loathed.

AJ swallowed, doing their best to push it out of their mind, just as Ezra began to pull at the drawstring on their sweatpants. Wincing, AJ helped him take them off, then lay back, feeling his weight over them again and trying to focus on it, his lips soft as he kissed their cheek, then their neck. His thigh slid between their legs and AJ gasped, then reached out, tugging impatiently at his shirt. Ezra chuckled and tugged it off hurriedly, then dove in for a kiss, starting out slow and loving, but quickly becoming passionate. Hoping for a distraction from everything, a brief respite from their self-hatred, AJ leaned into it, pulling him deeper, and Ezra rocked against them, pleasure bursting through them. 

It took all AJ had to keep the kiss instead of breaking away to moan, but they managed it, their hand running down Ezra's body, over his hips, and dipping between his legs. He moaned loudly, gasping softly as he rocked against AJ's hand, against their fingers already rubbing at his cock through the fabric of his boxers. 

"Ah! Yeah, just like that, sweetheart," he mumbled, then buried his face in their neck, making AJ smile as they stroked his hair with one hand, the other slipping into his underwear and finding his soaking wet cock, stroking along his short, erect shaft. 

Ezra choked on a moan, his hips bucking, and AJ grinned to themself, loving the way they could reduce him to a moaning mess so easily. Their fingers slid further, and Ezra groaned deeply as they breached his entrance, two fingers sliding into that hot, tight space, pressing up against his spot expertly. 

"Good, angel, that's it," AJ murmured, stroking his hair slowly as he whined, his hips rocking automatically, trying to get AJ's fingers deeper. "Shh, I've got you," they added softly, and Ezra groaned, then turned his head and nuzzled at their neck, nipping at their skin. AJ gasped, but rolled against his thigh, their head tipping back, their whole body giving in to the pleasure as Ezra rocked against them, filling himself up as far as AJ's fingers could reach. 

He latched onto AJ's neck, sucking lightly at their skin, and AJ whined happily at the feeling, loving the knowledge that they were being marked, that they were becoming so very obviously his. 

"Ezra! Ohhh, angel," they cried, hips bucking, and Ezra gave them what they needed, rolling his hips so his thigh rubbed against them, and AJ rewarded him by curling their fingers inside him, dragging them over his spot when his hips moved. 

"Ahhh! Ohh  _ fuck,"  _ he gasped, and AJ grinned, just as his hand slid down and wrapped around them through their underwear, his thumb running over their tip. 

A shock ran through AJ's body, loathing and sudden despair making them shudder, the sensation of being dragged underwater pressing down on them. Pressure surrounded them, making them feel trapped, their breathing uneven and ragged. Everything faded and AJ drifted, their body relaxing slightly. They could do this, they could go through the motions, they could moan and say all the right things and rock against him like they wanted it, it was second nature by now. And all coherent thought had gone out of the window, replaced entirely by instinct, by the strategies they'd kept in place for years now, to keep them safe and keep that barrier up. 

The weight lifted from them all at once, and AJ was dimly aware of Ezra's warmth moving away from them, a blanket being laid over them. They tried to open their eyes, but it was too difficult, they weren't ready to come back, not yet. Something soft and fluffy was placed on their chest and they hugged it thoughtlessly, squeezing it tight, the sensation of holding something making AJ feel much more safe. 

After a moment, they realised they could hear crying. It sounded distant, but AJ was coming back to themself, enough to recognise their partner's quiet sobs. AJ stirred ever so slightly and forced their eyes open, blinking as they turned their head sluggishly and just looked at Ezra. He was crying, each sob making his whole body shudder, his face buried in his hands, his shoulders shaking. AJ tried to speak, they tried to tell him they were okay, but they just couldn't get the words out. They managed to unfold one arm from the stuffed bear on their chest slowly, their fingers trembling as they brushed their fingertips against his leg. 

Ezra looked up sharply, tears streaming down his cheeks, and AJ gently, weakly grabbed at his ankle, trying to get him closer to them. He blinked, wiped his cheeks hurriedly, and moved a little closer, his eyes wide and worried. 

"AJ? I'm...I'm really s-sorry, sweetheart," he mumbled shakily, slowly laying down beside them, giving them plenty of space, but taking their hand very gently. 

AJ just closed their eyes, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze as they just relaxed. There was no point in rushing anything, so they slowly laced their fingers with his and just went still, allowing themself to come back at their own pace. Every now and then, Ezra would sniffle beside them, but he was patient, just holding their hand until they finally turned and cuddled up to his chest. He let out a shaky sigh of relief and hugged them tightly, his hand trembling against their back as they tucked their head under his chin, their cheek pressed to his collarbone. 

"I'm sorry, I'm s-so sorry," he mumbled after a while, and AJ shifted, then sighed softly. 

"It's okay," they mumbled, their voice small and quiet, still not quite all there. "Not your fault." 

"I know, but I...it took me a while to realise a-and-" Ezra mumbled, cutting himself off with a gulp, his hand shaking against their back. AJ just pressed closer to him, squeezing him tightly. 

"Not your fault," they repeated softly, and Ezra sighed deeply, but didn't say anything else, just holding them close as they gave themself plenty of time to relax. They knew they had to tell him. 

It was obvious, after that. AJ hated the thought of dissociating during sex with their partner, and it was clear from Ezra's reaction that he hated it too. They didn't want to scare him like that again, especially since he seemed to be blaming himself completely for something that was out of both their control. 

They needed to explain, but the thought made them feel cold and shaky, still terrified of what he would say, despite everything. 

After a while, AJ gently began to pull away from Ezra, getting up on slightly unsteady legs and wandering over to their dresser to pull out some comfortable pajama shorts and a clean t-shirt. 

"Could you get my shorts please, love?" Ezra asked softly, and AJ nodded, picking Ezra's shorts up from where they'd folded them at the foot of the bed that morning, and walking back to the bed. They handed the shorts to Ezra, then dressed themself while he wriggled them on, finally climbing back into bed, but sitting up against the headboard. 

"AJ, I think we need to talk about-" 

"We do," AJ agreed softly, looking down into those loving blue eyes and patting the bed next to them. "Sit up with me?" 

Ezra nodded and pulled himself up, settling beside AJ and gently taking their hand, giving it a soothing squeeze. 

"Talk to me, sweetheart," he smiled, and AJ swallowed, nausea rising, driven by nerves. Their brain kept pushing images on them, images of Ezra shaking his head, of him pulling away from them. They closed their eyes for a moment, then took a deep breath and looked at Ezra again. 

"I...I think I might be a woman," they said very quietly, and Ezra blinked, confusion in his gaze. 

"I...okay? Why?" He prompted gently, and AJ took a shuddering breath in, tears welling up already. 

"You have to tell me if it's okay first, I need to know, please," they begged, almost under their breath, the tears making their breath hitch as Ezra's eyes widened in shock. 

"Oh, sweetheart, of course it's okay!" He said quickly, opening his arms and hugging them as soon as they dove into his chest, desperate for comfort. "I'm sorry if you've been scared to tell me, my love, but I promise you, I'll love and support you no matter what gender you are or what steps you take to affirm yourself. Okay? I love  _ you,  _ not your gender or your body. I mean, I love your body, but only because it's what carries you around," he chuckled, squeezing them tighter and nuzzling at the side of their head. "It's alright, magpie, it's okay," he soothed as AJ broke down, the relief too much for them, their fingertips digging into Ezra's back as they began to sob softly, wrapped up in his arms and utterly safe. "Don't cry, my love, it's alright," Ezra soothed, stroking up and down their back slowly. "It's okay, I've got you. My beautiful little bird, it's all going to be alright, we'll figure this out together, I promise." 

AJ managed a nod, squeezing Ezra tighter just as he reached down and lifted them up, guiding them to straddle his lap, so he could hug them even tighter against him. AJ giggled through their tears and nuzzled at his jaw, then finally pulled away and wiped their cheeks, smiling down at Ezra as he just gazed at them lovingly. "Sorry, I'm a mess," they grinned, and he just laughed, pulling them down into a soft kiss. 

"That's okay, sweetheart. I don't mind messes," he murmured, stroking their hair slowly as they rested their forehead on his, just soaking up his presence and basking in his love for them. "We can talk whenever you feel ready." 

AJ let out a soft little sigh, then slid off his lap and laid down, getting comfortable with their head on his legs. Ezra chuckled softly and tucked a pillow under their shoulders, one hand finding one of theirs, the other in their hair, his thumb stroking their forehead. 

"Adorable," he grinned, and AJ smiled, squeezing his hand lightly before closing their eyes and relaxing. 

"I...I guess I felt it for the first time when I saw Lizzy," they began slowly, uncertainly. "Because of her being on hormones, y'know? She looked so happy and sure in herself, and I...I felt jealous. It really upset me, I couldn't figure out why it was happening, I just felt all-around awful. And my dysphoria started getting worse," they sighed, feeling Ezra lean over them, his lips pressing against their forehead comfortingly. "I really can't stand my...my genitals at the moment, I...I can just feel them there all the time, I've been tucking a lot more lately because of it...and I just-" AJ shuddered and then sighed, squeezing Ezra's hand tightly to remind themself that he was there and listening. "I really wish I didn't have it. I...I hate it," they mumbled, then took a deep breath and went on. "And sometimes I wish I had a small chest, I...the other day, I wore a sports bra and it made me feel a little better. And I like...I like that my hips have been filling out lately." 

Ezra leaned down again, stroking AJ's hair back from their forehead as they opened their eyes and looked up at him sadly. 

"I'm sorry for being such a mess." 

"I told you, I don't mind messes," Ezra smiled sadly, his touch ever so gentle and loving. "And it does sound like you need to explore your dysphoria more. I think doing things that make you feel better is the best way to do that. Try more bras, tuck more often, wear more dresses, whatever makes you feel good, try it. I think it would be a good idea to make an appointment with the gender people soon, as well, there's a few months' wait, so you'd have time to figure yourself out more while on the waiting list. And don't ever worry about what I think about you exploring, okay? I want you to be happy more than anything, and I'm here to support you in whatever steps you take to make yourself happy." 

"I'm just a bit scared," AJ admitted quietly, relaxing slightly with the repeated assurance of Ezra's support. "Of like...coming to the conclusion that I want hormones or surgery...it's a big, scary thing, y'know?" 

"Yeah, I completely understand," Ezra nodded, cradling their cheek in one hand and running his thumb over their skin. "It's very daunting to be looking up at that staircase of all those different treatments and taking that first step, but I've been through it, and I'll be right here beside you to help you every second of it, I promise. I love you, AJ, so much, and I'll do everything in my power to help you be happy and feel good in your body." 

AJ just stared up at him for a moment, then sat up and wrapped their arms around his neck, holding him tightly as they closed their eyes. "Thank you. I love you too, Ezra, so so fucking much," they mumbled, and he chuckled softly, hugging them back tightly, squeezing them against his chest. 

"Good. I'll help you do some research tomorrow, but how about for tonight, we just have a nice, relaxing, fun evening?" 

AJ nodded and let go of him, giggling softly as they fell back against the bed, their t-shirt riding up. Ezra pounced immediately, blowing a raspberry on their exposed stomach and making them shriek, laughing uncontrollably as he started to tickle them. 

"No! No! Ezra!" They gasped between giggling fits, and he chuckled evilly, flipping them over and tickling their back until they begged for mercy, at which point, he gave their backside a hearty slap, and finally let go of them. AJ rolled over and threw themself at him, cuddling up to him as he caught them in his arms, their face buried in his neck. 

"Movie?" He suggested with a breathless laugh, and AJ nodded, grinning to themself as they curled up against their partner. They closed their eyes and relaxed into his embrace, content and secure in the knowledge that he would support them through anything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
> I'm having a very bad week lol so I thought I'd post a chapter for you guys! It usually cheers me up :) I hope you liked this one, they finally talked to Ezra! I hope you all are doing okay, and a quick reminder - I have a twitter under @southdownsraph and I'm thinking about starting to post some teaser snippets every now and then, so if you want to see some extra content, go ahead and follow me over there!   
> <3<3<3


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: trauma recovery difficulties, discussion of the attempted murder, brief mention of AJ’s past with Gabriel.

About a week after AJ's confession, Ezra woke late, finding curly red hair tickling his nose as he opened his eyes. After a brief panic, he realised it was Saturday and relaxed, sliding his arm around the slim waist in front of him and letting out a quiet sigh. 

AJ stirred, but didn't wake, pressing a little closer to Ezra with a quiet grunt. Ezra smiled to himself and smoothed their hair down gently so he wouldn't start sneezing, and settled back comfortably, just as his phone rang. Swearing, he snatched it off the bedside table, but AJ was already waking, groaning quietly as they lifted their head. Disgruntled honey-gold eyes squinted at Ezra and he winced, answering the phone while reaching out, cradling AJ's cheek in his hand in an attempt at a silent apology. 

"Hello?" 

AJ huffed and dropped their head back to the pillow, closing their eyes again and curling their fingers in the side of Ezra's shirt posessively. 

"Ezra, hi, it's um...Luna Jeffries, I'm...I'm very sorry about how things have gone, I was wondering if I might get a chance to talk to you and AJ?" 

Ezra blinked, glancing down at his partner, who he was about ninety percent sure had already drifted back off into dreamland. "Um...yeah, what about?" 

"Just the uh...the case and stuff. I know AJ dropped the charges, but I've been doing some unofficial digging, and really I just wanted to apologise to them in person after the dust settled a bit. Do you think they'd be up for it?"

Ezra went very still, staring at nothing for a while. He hadn't known AJ had let go of the investigation officially, he'd just assumed that the new detective, whatever his name was, was ignoring it. He looked down at AJ and sighed, feeling oddly guilty that they seemed to think they couldn't trust him with this information. 

"Um...I'm not sure, but I can ask," he answered eventually, and Jeffries let out a quiet sigh. 

"That would be great, thank you. I...I keep thinking about this case lately, it's just so...so horrible, and I just wish I could catch this guy and get him put away, for AJ's sake. Anyway, I'll let you get on with your Saturday, let me know when you've spoken to them." 

"Alright, thanks for calling," Ezra said quietly, shifting slightly to see if AJ would react, but they stayed perfectly still. "I'll speak to you soon." 

"Take care," Jeffries answered, then hung up, and Ezra sighed, setting his phone aside. 

"AJ? Are you asleep, sweetheart?" He asked softly, and AJ grunted, nuzzling closer into his chest. "Is that a no? I can't tell," Ezra chuckled, wrapping his arm around them tightly and rolling onto his back, pulling them with him so they ended up laying on his chest. AJ hummed happily and curled up, stifling a yawn as they tucked their head up under his chin and settled comfortably.

Smiling to himself, Ezra gave up on trying to talk to them for now, just hugging them tightly and closing his eyes. It worried him, knowing that AJ had dropped the case without telling him, but he knew he wasn't angry about it. He ran his hand up and down their side while he thought, trying to figure out how to approach the subject with them. There was probably no way to do it without AJ assuming he was upset to start with, but he hoped they wouldn't panic too badly. He just wanted to know why they'd made the decision - he wanted to have a discussion about things, not a confrontation. Sighing, Ezra gave AJ a gentle little squeeze, then carefully shook their shoulder. 

"AJ? My love? I need to talk to you," he murmured, and AJ groaned softly, pressing the bridge of their nose against his jaw, their hand resting over his heart. 

"Mm? What about?" They mumbled, and Ezra bit his lip, his hand stroking over their back, feeling their sports bra under their t-shirt. 

"That was um...Detective Jeffries on the phone, do you remember me telling you about her?" He asked softly, and AJ went very still for a moment, then shook their head slightly, their fingers curling in his shirt. 

"No." 

"Well, she was the detective on your case before that awful Sandalphon took over. She was really nice, you talked to her in the hospital when you were awake the first time," Ezra explained slowly, sliding his hand into AJ's hair, holding them, cradling them protectively. "She specialises in cases like yours, with really high risk victims. Anyway, she um...she wants to see you, she's worried about you, and-" 

AJ had gone stiff again, but suddenly pulled away, shaking their head quickly as they slid off Ezra's chest and sat up, hugging their knees. "N-no, I'm not speaking to anyone, I c-can't," they muttered, and Ezra froze for a moment, shocked. Then he sat up slowly and shifted towards them, carefully wrapping an arm around their shoulders. AJ twitched, but allowed him to touch them, curling up tighter and resting their forehead on their knees so their face was hidden from his view. 

"She told me you dropped the case, sweetheart," Ezra murmured, and AJ sniffed, making Ezra's heart drop into his stomach. "Hey, listen to me," he said hurriedly, shifting a little closer to them, pulling them against his side gently. "I'm not upset with you or anything, okay? I...in case you're worried about that. I just want you to feel safe and happy, and I support you in whatever makes you feel that way, okay? I love you, magpie, come here," he soothed, relief flooding through him as his gentle efforts finally paid off and AJ turned, pressing themself into him, wrapping their arms around his neck desperately. "You don't have to come with me, it's alright. I promise you, I'll support you and love you and care for you no matter what, okay?" Ezra repeated quietly, and AJ nodded ever so slightly, gripping onto him tightly as they sniffled again. Closing his eyes, Ezra lifted them into his lap, humming soothingly as they scrambled to get closer to him, burying their face in his hair. 

"It's alright, my love, my sweetheart. I'm right here. How about some breakfast, hmm? What do you want to eat?" He asked softly, and AJ just pressed closer, not offering anything approaching an answer. "How about pancakes?" Ezra tried, and this time, they shook their head. Rolling his eyes fondly, Ezra pulled a blanket around his partner's shoulders, figuring they might have to sit there for a while if he had to go through every breakfast food in the search for something AJ would eat. "I think I could do waffles, but I haven't tried the iron in ages," he suggested, and AJ shook their head again. "Alright. I'm running low on ideas here, magpie," Ezra chuckled, giving them a little squeeze before patting their backside lightly. "Come on, off. I'm going to make you something, and you're going to like it," he grinned, but AJ didn't move, only tightening their grip. After a moment of thought, Ezra decided not to push it and wrapped his arms around them again. Breakfast could wait, comfort was more important. 

After a while, AJ slowly began to move, so Ezra loosened his grip on them, taking a deep breath as he was roused from his thoughts. AJ slid to the bed beside him and laid down silently, staring at nothing blankly. 

Sighing softly, Ezra gave their hair a slow, gentle stroke, then shifted to the edge of the bed to grab his prosthesis. "I'll go make you some breakfast, my love. It'll make you feel better, I promise." 

AJ snorted, suddenly behind him, laying their body against his, their cheek against the back of his neck. They didn't hug him, not exactly, but Ezra could feel their love wrapping around him, holding him as they turned their head and just leaned into him, their whole weight on him, trusting him. 

"I'm not so sure about that." 

"I am, sweetheart," Ezra answered firmly, reaching up behind him to ruffle their hair ever so lightly. "Come on, I'm really hungry." 

AJ huffed a breath, but didn't argue, sliding around to sit beside him and getting up, not quite looking at him. The valve on Ezra's prosthesis clicked and he was standing, his arms encircling their slender waist, the bridge of his nose finding their jaw. AJ made a soft, low sound in the back of their throat, then gently began to pull away, kissing his cheek hurriedly. 

"I love you." 

"I love you too, sweetheart," Ezra smiled, leaning up slightly to capture their lips in a light, quick kiss, then starting to lead the way out of the bedroom. "What d'you want?" 

"Yoghurt," AJ yawned, following him less enthusiastically, their bare feet soundless on the carpet. "Like you make it for me." 

"Alright, my love, I can do that," Ezra hummed, stepping into the empty kitchen and feeling AJ following him, their presence warming him slightly. "I'm going to give Jeffries a call back after breakfast and tell her I'll meet her, okay? You don't have to come, of course, but I want to know what she has to say," he went on quietly, opening the fridge and taking down the container of Greek yoghurt. AJ didn't say anything, but when Ezra turned, they were leaning back against the counter, arms folded over their chest. Their lace and satin sleeping shorts were just poking out from under the t-shirt they'd 'borrowed' from him, and they looked adorable. He wanted nothing more than to crowd them up against the counter and kiss them until they ran out of breath, but he really was getting rather hungry. 

Ezra stuffed two crumpets in the toaster, then spooned a good helping of yoghurt into a bowl, added a tiny drizzle of honey, a handful of granola, and sliced some fresh strawberries to put on top. By the time he'd finished, his crumpets were toasted, so he stuck a spoon in the yoghurt and handed it over before getting to work with the butter. 

A few moments later, Ezra was sitting across from AJ at the kitchen table, keeping an eye on them while they ate. They were scrolling through something on their phone, and Ezra was secretly glad. Most people didn't like phones at the table, particularly when it meant their partner wasn't paying them any attention, but Ezra - although he'd never admit it to AJ - was always more than happy to see them scrolling. It meant their focus was not only off of him, but, more importantly, no longer on eating. AJ tended to eat much better on autopilot, when they weren't fussing over how much they were eating and instead letting their body tell them when they were full. 

Before AJ could look up from their phone and try to talk to him, Ezra got his own out and began to look through social media, enjoying the time just being quiet with his partner and listening to the sound of their spoon clinking against their bowl. 

As soon as AJ finished a short while later, they got up abruptly, washing their bowl and heading back to the bedroom before Ezra could stop them. He simply rolled his eyes fondly and let them go, eating the rest of his breakfast and cleaning his plate before following them much more calmly. 

AJ was curled up in bed again, facing the wall, so Ezra just stood in the doorway for a moment, then walked over to the bed and sat down slowly. "AJ? Sweetheart? Are we okay?" He asked very quietly, his hand coming to rest on their hip. AJ sighed. 

"Yeah, I'm just...tired," they mumbled, and Ezra leaned down, stroking their hair back from their face so he could press a loving kiss to their temple. 

"Emotionally? Physically?" 

"Both."

"I'm sorry, magpie. How about I make this phone call and then we can have a really good long cuddle? I have that puzzle, maybe we could finally start that today, it's something nice and relaxing to do for a bit?" Ezra suggested softly, wishing he could just kiss them and make all their trauma go away in an instant. But it simply wasn't realistic. 

"Mmm, okay," AJ sighed, and Ezra ran his hand down their arm, squeezing their wrist gently before getting up off the bed slowly. 

"Alright, I'll be back in a minute, my love." 

By the time Ezra finished making arrangements with Jeffries and headed back to the bedroom, AJ had gotten up and was sitting at the desk, their glasses on, frowning over a pattern they'd started making for some kind of costume they were keeping fairly secret. Smiling to himself, Ezra walked over slowly and rested his hands on their shoulders, giving them a gentle little squeeze. 

"Hey." 

"Hi," AJ mumbled, not looking up, and Ezra sighed softly, his relief at seeing them working already giving way to worry about them overworking themself. 

"Are you okay, my love?" He murmured, smoothing that beautiful bright red hair down and kissing the top of their head just before they bent over their work, leaning closer to the paper as they marked a measurement with the help of a ruler. 

"Busy," AJ answered simply, and Ezra nodded, mostly to himself. He was still getting used to their days like this. Sometimes they just completely shut down, locking every window, every door, every possible way for him to see into their heart. He knew that trauma sufferers had good and bad days, hell, he knew it from personal experience, but it still stung sometimes. It still made him feel like he wasn't doing enough. 

Ezra took a slow breath and decided to take a step back, to stop pushing. If he pushed too hard on one of their bad days, something was liable to break. He leaned down and kissed AJ's cheek once, then forced himself to walk away, starting to sort out his clothes to get dressed properly. AJ just bent closer to their work. 

Every now and then, Ezra glanced over at his partner, checking on them, but they seemed utterly engrossed in their work, so he dressed and quietly sat down on the bed to open his laptop. He worked in silence for a while, still checking on AJ occasionally, but when they turned the sewing machine on, he left the room silently, unable to concentrate with the loud noise in the background. 

Time seemed to drag past without AJ to share it with, but eventually Ezra realised it was almost time to catch the bus. He shut his laptop and stretched, just as he heard the bedroom door click down the hall. AJ appeared without a word, quickly making their way across the room and climbing onto the couch. They settled in seconds, curled up with their head in their shocked boyfriend's lap, their face pressed into his stomach. Ezra froze for a moment, then sighed and leaned down to hug them as best he could, kissing their cheek lovingly. 

"I'm so sorry, beautiful, but I have to go now," he murmured, keeping his voice low and calming as AJ made a soft, protesting sound and curled up tighter. "I won't be long, and then I'll make us dinner and we can have a lovely cuddle," Ezra sighed, stroking AJ's hair very slowly and watching each loose curl bounce back into place. "I love you so much, y'know." 

AJ grunted and slowly dragged themself up, only to wrap their arms around Ezra's neck before he could stand up. Sighing, Ezra hugged them tight against his chest, then got up. AJ gasped in his ear and quickly wrapped their legs around his waist, clinging on gently and curling their fingers in the hair on the back of his head. Ezra chuckled and just stood there for a moment, enjoying the weight in his arms, the reminder that AJ was very much there and very much with him. "I've got you," he said softly, and AJ nodded, turning their face into his hair and just going very still, letting him carry them as he began to walk towards the hallway. 

"I really have to go," he sighed as he stepped through the doorway and into the corridor. AJ wriggled a bit, then slid to the ground, still leaning against him, but standing on their own now.

"I'm sorry for being distant, I just...it's been one of those mornings, but it's getting better," they mumbled, and Ezra nodded, giving them a tight, but brief squeeze. 

"It's okay, sweetheart. I understand, I promise. Maybe while I'm gone you can come up with some ideas about what will make you feel better?" 

"I will," AJ hummed, then gently broke away from Ezra's arms, giving him a very quick kiss. "You need to go, angel." 

"I do, I love you," he smiled, ruffling their hair lightly. "I'll see you soon, okay? And I'll text you when I leave." 

"Okay," AJ answered simply, and Ezra hesitated, then finally forced himself to slip past them, waving one last time before he walked out of the door, letting it swing shut behind him. 

Ezra got to the cafe a little early, so he found a table tucked away in the corner and sat down, biting his lip as he glanced around. He remembered Jeffries as being incredibly kind and friendly, but he still didn't really know what to expect. She hadn't really explained what she'd wanted to talk about, after all, but at least he had a few questions of his own. The most pressing of which was why AJ had dropped the case. 

Sighing to himself, Ezra looked down at his mug of black coffee, watching the steam curl up. Absently, he thought that AJ would probably appreciate one of their monstrous frappuccino creations and it would probably survive ten minutes on the bus without melting. It was a good thing he'd had the foresight to make a note every time AJ ordered a new drink - there was no way he would have been able to remember all the complicated instructions despite his relatively new expertise as a barista. 

Still feeling nervous, Ezra unlocked his phone and looked through his notes app. It was a bit of a mess, but he eventually found what he was looking for and selected a drink he knew they'd like. Just as he was highlighting it so it would be easier to find later, he heard footsteps and looked up. 

Jeffries smiled down at him, pulling out the chair across from him and sitting down slowly. "Hey, Ezra," she said quietly, setting her travel cup down in front of her and tilting her head slightly. 

Ezra blinked, confused for a moment and very quickly realising why - she wasn't wearing formal clothing this time. Most detectives wore suits of some kind or just very professional looking outfits, but Jeffries was wearing plain old jeans and a t-shirt. "Hi," he answered, a little uncertain. "How are you?" 

Nodding, Jeffries looked down at her cup, fiddling with the cardboard sleeve. "I uh...yeah, I'm good. How's AJ?" 

Ezra swallowed and glanced around when he heard the sound of a child crying. A mother was trying to comfort her toddler and looking rather embarrassed, so he shot her a sympathetic smile before turning back to Jeffries. "Um...they're good, yeah. They're all healed now, they're still doing physical therapy, and I'm still trying to get them to go to regular therapy, but...yeah, they're doing okay," he answered with a slightly strained smile. "I'm sorry, I'm just...finding this a little weird." 

"Me too, don't worry. I'm not particularly good at small talk at the best of times," Jeffries chuckled, shaking her head. "I know this isn't probably what you expected, I just...I've been on the force for a long time. I've seen a lot of things, but this case? I...I don't think anything has had such a big impact on me. After all, it made me quit," she added with a bitter laugh, and Ezra looked at her in shock, his eyes wide. 

"Wait, I didn't know.." he said softly, trailing off and swallowing as Jeffries winced. 

"Oh yeah, I um...being mixed race and a woman, I've had to fight really hard to be accepted as a police officer, let alone a detective. It really strains someone's belief in the system, that kind of thing, and the way the case was handled was really the last straw for me," she sighed, looking down again, her cheeks flushing slightly. "I really felt for AJ, I...I couldn't help but be affected by their story, I really wanted to catch the guy so they could finally feel safe and have a chance at having a proper life without fear and abuse. But...I was taken off the case right in the middle of following a bunch of good leads and replaced with that guy Sandalphon, and I just...I knew the department was suppressing the investigation, and I...I couldn't stand by and be complicit in that kind of abuse of power, that negligence. It completely destroyed what little faith I had left," she shrugged, then looked up at last, swallowing hard. "AJ deserves justice, both of you do." 

Ezra quirked an eyebrow, then shook his head slightly, trying to shove away the anger that threatened to throttle him at the confirmation that AJ's case had been purposely dropped. "Look, Ms. Jeffries-" 

"Luna, Luna is fine," she interrupted gently, and Ezra sighed. 

"Luna, I...I'm sorry that this case affected you so much, and I'm obviously as frustrated as you, if not more, but I...justice isn't mine to have. I'm not the victim here." 

Luna blinked, then shook her head quickly, reaching out and gently taking Ezra's hands. "Crimes don't just affect the victim, Ezra, you need to understand that," she said urgently, forcefully. "I've seen so many people traumatised by crimes against loved ones, and I've seen it go untreated so often. Just because AJ was the one who was attacked, it doesn't mean your trauma of being the person who found them and had to save their life is any less." 

"But AJ is the one who-" Ezra protested, but cut himself off with a gulp, his chest suddenly tight, his eyes stinging as Luna squeezed his hands gently. "They were nearly murdered, they were abused for...for their whole life, I-" he choked, the emotions he'd been pushing away for weeks seeing their opportunity and pouncing. Having to face all of it so directly, having to remember AJ on that couch, blood dripping from their fingers, having to be reminded that the man who did it would never be imprisoned - it had stripped away that defensive wall all at once, and now Ezra was drowning. 

He swallowed hard, but Luna was pulling his hands towards her gently, leaning closer to him, against the table. 

"Hey, try to take deep breaths, it's okay," she said quickly, and Ezra gritted his teeth, forcing it all back down, metaphorically jumping up and down on top of the suitcase until it would zip. 

A few shuddering breaths, and Ezra was mostly in control again, politely taking his hands back and folding them in his lap awkwardly. "I'm sorry." 

"It's okay, Ezra, it's alright. I'm really sorry to be coming back in like this and stirring things up, I just...I wanted you both to know that I'm still following leads," Luna sighed, leaning back slightly and wrapping her hands around her cup tightly. "I don't have all my resources anymore, so it's slow going, but I'm not going to give up. I want justice for both of you, and I want this guy taken down. Do you think you'd be able to go over some details with me again?" 

Ezra leaned back in his seat, looking away, his jaw tight. "I want to know more about why AJ dropped the case first," he said quietly, after a moment or two of silence. "I didn't know until you called me." 

Luna nodded, looking a bit uncomfortable. "I...I'm sorry you had to find out that way. Um...it happened right before I left the police, I don't know very much currently. I know that Sandalphon got a call from them and shortly after made some suspicious calls to a lawyer strongly associated with the protection of high profile criminal cases and linked with the cover-ups of several scandals that we've never been able to prove," she sighed, shaking her head again, her deep brown eyes searching Ezra's as he sat quietly, fuming. "I'm working on trying to figure it all out at the moment, that's part of why I was hoping to speak to AJ today," Luna added, and Ezra looked away sharply, his jaw tight, anger threatening to overflow or choke him, fury and loathing boiling together in the pit of his stomach. 

"They're scared," he growled shortly, his jaw so tight it hurt. "When I asked them about speaking to you today, they looked  _ terrified." _

Luna nodded sadly, biting her lip. "I believe Gabriel threatened them again through this lawyer," she said quietly, and Ezra couldn't hold it in anymore. It was all simply too much, the effort of holding back so much anger for so long, and it all came pouring out. But instead of a rage-fuelled fit, Ezra broke down sobbing, surprising himself as much as the ex-detective, his whole body suddenly wracked with the heavy cries. 

The fury began to melt away, replaced with simple despair, that AJ's life had been so awful up until just a few short weeks ago. It all hurt so much, knowing he couldn't go back in time and smuggle baby AJ off to a safe, loving family, that he hadn't been able to prevent them very nearly losing their life, that he couldn't even see the man who'd done it put in prison for the rest of his life. He just wanted AJ to be okay, that was all he wanted, and it seemed so impossible. 

Luna sighed and quietly got up, sitting down beside Ezra and gently pulling him into a tight, soothing hug. "It's okay to be angry and upset, Ezra. It's natural," she murmured, holding him nice and tight, her fingers pressing into his soft flesh. "You're such a great partner, you're so good at taking care of AJ and their happiness, but you need to take care of yourself, too." 

Ezra managed to take a few deep breaths, choking out broken apologies, his whole body shaking as Luna pulled away gently to give him plenty of air. She fumbled in her purse and quickly handed over a few tissues, making Ezra smile even as his sobs were still trailing off. 

"There's nothing to apologise for, Ezra. It's completely understandable," she assured him softly, digging in her purse again and coming up with a small eggshell blue business card. "Here, this is a really good therapist I know, she's really great with handling loved one's trauma after crimes like this, I'm sure she'd be able to fit you in." 

Ezra sniffed, managing a tearful smile and nodding slightly as he took the card. "Thank you, that's really helpful," he mumbled, managing to keep his voice steady, still struggling to breathe evenly. 

"You're very welcome," Luna answered sincerely, then sighed and rubbed his shoulder lightly, watching him worriedly as he looked down at the card blankly, holding it in his shaking hands. 

"I-I just...I don't know what to do," he forced out, his voice wobbling, still full of tears. "They barely talk to me about things a-and I wanted them to keep going with the investigation, but they...they went behind my back," he sighed, still staring down at that little blue card.

Luna took a deep breath and rubbed his back slowly, between his shoulders. "I know it's hard, but letting AJ handle things their way is important. They need to feel safe above everything else, and if they don't feel safe with the police still on the case, as much as they were anyway, then I think you have to respect that. People handle trauma in very different ways, but safety is the first base. If they don't feel safe, they can't start to heal. Does that make sense?" 

Ezra nodded slowly, sniffling and taking another deep breath. "Yeah, I um...it's just hard," he said simply, glancing at Luna and then down again hurriedly. "I just wish none of it happened, but that...that's not realistic," he mumbled, forcing a small smile while Luna kept rubbing his shoulder gently. 

"I know, Ezra, I understand. But look, I think maybe you should go home. I have some questions to ask, but I don't think you're in a fit state right now, and I don't want to cause you more pain. And it seems like you could do with having a conversation with AJ." 

Ezra nodded and swallowed hard, tucking the card safely in his wallet at last and looking up at her again. "Thank you, for letting me know that someone out there still cares. It's really comforting, even if it's hard to think about." 

Luna smiled sadly and gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Of course. If you need anything at all, let me know, okay? I'm just a phone call away." 

Ezra left the cafe without AJ's surprise drink, but figured they'd probably forgive him. His cheeks were still a bit sticky with tears, his eyes red from crying, and he really hadn't felt like standing in line or having to interact with a barista. Luna had offered him a ride home, but he'd politely declined, and she hadn't insisted. 

The bus came at just the right time for once, and Ezra arrived home about ten minutes later, unlocking the building door and heading straight into his apartment. His hands still trembled ever so slightly, but he ignored it, hanging his keys on the hook and swapping over to his slippers. 

"Ezra? I'm in the bedroom!" AJ called, and Ezra closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm down, but a wave of emotion had surged up at that soft voice, crashing over his head and making his whole body feel heavy. He didn't bother to shout back, just quietly walking to the bedroom door and slipping into the room. 

AJ was sitting up in bed, a book open on their knees, their glasses perched on the end of their nose. Ezra looked at them for a moment, standing in the middle of the room dumbly, his throat tight. His hands shook by his sides, and AJ frowned at him, gesturing for him to go over to them. 

"Angel? What's wrong?" 

Ezra nearly burst into tears again, but managed to swallow it, walking over slowly and sitting down next to AJ. He reached out tentatively and rested a hand on their knee, somehow struggling with the sudden, odd feeling that they'd vanish as soon as he tried to touch them. But they stayed solid, their hand sliding over his as they put the book aside, their thumb stroking over his skin. 

"Ezra, it's okay," AJ murmured, forcing a soft smile. "I know it's scary," they went on, and Ezra looked at them in surprise, dully wondering if they'd acquired the ability to read minds in the short couple of hours he'd been away. "I'm still scared sometimes too, but Gabriel isn't going to come after us, I promise," AJ soothed, turning to face him and cradling his jaw in their hands as he blinked, now very confused. He opened his mouth to point out that AJ was probably projecting their fears onto him, and that he knew if Gabriel ever tried anything again, he'd kill him, but AJ began to speak again softly, before he could try. "Look, I...I didn't tell you this before, but I signed an NDA a while ago, in exchange for him leaving both of us alone. We're safe," they murmured, smiling sadly, their thumbs stroking over his cheeks slowly.

Ezra felt like a brick had been dropped into his stomach. He took a couple of deep breaths, then shook his head and gently wrapped his hands around his wrists, trying to remember that he had to let them handle things the way they needed. 

"Sweetheart, that's not what's upsetting me," he sighed, running his hands down their forearms to wrap around the backs of their upper arms, pulling them closer to him gently as they stared at him uncertainly. "I'm just...struggling with the memories and everything, y'know? But I think...I think we need to talk about what you just said." 

AJ winced, moving closer to him, but still keeping their distance, their cheeks flushing as they looked away. "I um...okay," they sighed, and Ezra shifted toward them himself, gently pulling them into a loose embrace. 

"I'm not angry or upset with you, sweetheart, I promise," he murmured, and AJ seemed to relax, nuzzling against him and letting out a soft, slow breath. 

"I...when I called Sandalphon to drop the case, I asked if there was anything else I could do to keep us both safe, and he set up a meeting with this lawyer. I...I'm not allowed to discuss any part of my relationship with Gabriel with anyone," they mumbled, Ezra's eyes closing tightly as he ignored the stab of pain in his chest. At least their fear at the suggestion of talking to Luna made sense now, he thought, his arms tightening around AJ protectively. "I um...he gave me two hundred grand." 

Ezra stiffened in shock, then quickly pulled AJ closer, squeezing them tightly as he leaned his head against theirs. "Oh, sweetheart. I...I think you should use some of it to pay for some therapy," he mumbled, and AJ nodded, running their hands up his back and clinging on gently. 

"I...I've just been too scared to touch it, y'know?" 

"Yeah, I understand, sweetheart. I think we should put it in the bank. You could put half in savings and earn some interest, and...and then you could have a bank account." 

AJ nodded again, their body feeling heavy against Ezra's, their fingers gently twisting in the back of his shirt. "Okay." 

"And I want to be clear, okay? You can...you can tell me anything anytime, okay? I'm here to listen, always. If you want to talk about what happened or your relationship with him, or...or anything, I'll be here to listen to you and I promise I'll do my best to understand and help, okay? I love you very very much, and bottling things up is never, ever good for you." 

AJ went very silent and still for a few moments, and Ezra just waited patiently, knowing by the way they tensed, the way their silence seemed to almost pull the sound out of the air, that they were preparing themself to say something. 

They curled up tighter, then very gently broke away from Ezra, moving to sit beside him again, their body leaned against his. He automatically wrapped his arm around them, and they hugged their knees, staring off at nothing. 

"I...I have to tell you something about...about Gabriel," AJ mumbled at last, taking a deep, slow breath. Forcing down his urge to pull them back into his lap protectively, Ezra just nodded, giving them a gentle squeeze. 

"I'm listening, sweetheart, you can take as much time as you need," he assured them softly, and AJ shifted uncomfortably, their breath shuddering. 

"I...he was um...a family friend when I was a kid," they muttered, their voice barely above a whisper, their fingertips digging into their legs. "He um...basically, he...he-" 

Light dawned suddenly and Ezra cleared his throat quietly, gently cutting AJ off mid-sentence. "Just a moment, my love," he murmured, turning and reaching up with his spare hand, cradling their cheek as he pressed a soft kiss to their forehead. "You don't remember that conversation you had with Jeffries in the hospital at all, do you?" He asked very softly, and AJ shook their head, not quite looking at him as their cheeks flushed in shame. "Well, um...she asked you a lot about your relationship with Gabriel and...well, I was there for most of it. I know that he...he took pictures of you and made you do it too, I...I know about your birthday...I know everything, I think," Ezra said gently, and AJ looked up at him, hope shining bright in their round golden eyes. 

"Really? I...I didn't know," they gasped, and Ezra nodded, starting to gather them into his arms again. 

"I guessed. But it's alright, magpie. It doesn't change my feelings for you or anything like that. It makes me really,  _ really  _ angry, but that's because I love you," he added with a wry chuckle, and AJ managed a tiny smile, slowly uncurling themself and pressing against Ezra's soft frame. 

"Well, that's a relief," they mumbled, their hands finding Ezra's shirt again, gently clinging on. "I...it's hard to talk about."

"It's difficult to hear about, I can only imagine how talking about it feels," Ezra sighed, holding them a little tighter, protecting them. "How about a proper cuddle?" He suggested softly, and AJ gently broke away from him, quickly scrambling into his lap and wrapping their legs and arms around him tightly. Ezra chuckled and hugged them, running one hand up and down their back slowly, soothingly. "God, I love you," he muttered, and AJ laughed softly, shifting their weight slightly before letting out a deep sigh. 

"I've been wanting to tell you about the NDA for ages, I just...I didn't know how to bring it up, and I was worried you'd be...upset," they mumbled after a moment or two, and Ezra nodded slightly, wrapping both arms around them again and gently pulling them closer. 

"Don't ever worry about how to bring things up, okay? All you have to do is say you want to talk about something and I'll always be here to listen," he assured them quietly, his voice low and sincere as he felt AJ smiling, pressing closer into him. 

"Thank you, angel," they murmured, then let out a soft, slow sigh. "I think I'd like to stop thinking about heavy stuff for a while, though. Could we just cuddle and watch TV?" 

"Of course, my love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part one of the valentine's day double bill :D   
> The next part is mostly just secks


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: discussion of dysphoria, sexual content.

A short while later, AJ was curled up half on Ezra's chest, his hand in their hair, his laptop propped up against his legs so they could both see it. AJ seemed quiet, running their hand up and down Ezra's stomach absentmindedly, but he didn't mind, just playing with their hair and focusing on the feel of their weight against him. He wasn't really watching the show, still deep in thought about the NDA AJ had signed. 

Ezra really didn't like the thought of it, but he understood wholeheartedly why AJ had done it, especially after his conversation with Luna about the police sweeping it all under the rug. It made sense - they got the guarantee they would be safe, and the money was assurance that they had plenty of time to figure out their retirement and get their new life set up without constantly worrying about bills. But something about it all made Ezra uneasy - aside from the lack of justice - something he couldn't quite put his finger on yet. 

He sighed and shifted, just as AJ reached out and gently moved the laptop off his legs, placing it on the bed beside him. Ezra opened his mouth to say something, but AJ's hand was already skimming down his body, their head turning to press a gentle kiss to his jaw. Instinctively, Ezra's legs parted, and AJ hummed softly, nuzzling at his neck as they moved their wandering hand to his thigh, stroking up the inside and grabbing a handful of his extra flesh, squeezing tightly. Ezra gasped softly and AJ chuckled, the sound low and seductive, teasing. 

"I've got you, angel," they murmured, and he winced, his fingers curling in their hair. 

"Hey, hey, sweetheart," he mumbled, gently brushing their hand off him and taking it instead, giving it a soothing squeeze. "You don't have to-" he began softly, but they were already laughing, pulling their hand from his and finding his cheek instead as they moved so they could look into his eyes, both their heads turned a little awkwardly. 

"I know I don't have to, but I want to," they assured him quietly, smiling up at him lovingly, nothing but adoration in their eyes. "I really feel like it, I want to touch you and be touched, I'm in the mood. I promise I'm not dissociating or upset," they went on, punctuating this with a quick, yet passionate kiss. "I want you. I want to focus on giving you pleasure and losing myself with you, I want to feel close to you. Are you feeling the same?" AJ asked gently, running their thumb under his eye, their gaze soft and searching, flickering between his eyes. Ezra swallowed. 

"I wasn't until you said all that," he chuckled, trying to ignore the heat building in his body. "But um...could we talk about things a bit first?" 

AJ blinked curiously, then nodded, pecking his lips quickly. "Yes, of course. Can I touch your thighs and things while we talk? I just love touching you," they murmured softly, and Ezra grinned, ruffling their hair gently. 

"I'd like that, I like being touched by you," he purred, and AJ smiled happily, settling on his chest again, their hand finding his thigh once more, sliding under his shorts. Ezra let out a soft sigh and leaned his cheek against the top of AJ's head, their fingertips massaging his skin gently. "I...I just wanted to talk to you about your dysphoria since it's been so bad," he began slowly, and AJ nodded, casually running their hand even higher, finding the crease where Ezra's leg joined his body and starting to rub over it with their fingertips. "I guess I just want to know how to touch you without making it bad, y'know?" He finished awkwardly, shifting slightly as he tried not to get too lost in the sensation of AJ's hand so  _ damn close.  _

AJ shifted slightly and moved their hand again, this time firmly placing it between Ezra's legs. He bit his lip hard, but AJ was already beginning to gently rub over him through his shorts and boxers, forcing him to swallow a soft moan. 

"Well," they hummed, seeming completely undisturbed by Ezra's suddenly hitching breathing. "Basically, just...don't touch the middle bit. The head and base are fine, but I don't really like being stroked very much. My balls are usually fine, but lately I'd just um...rather not, not for today anyway. And um...actually, I was kind of hoping maybe...maybe you could top me today," AJ went on shyly, and Ezra blinked in surprise, shifting slightly and hugging them tighter. 

"Are you sure?" He asked softly, and AJ nodded, gently pulling away from his embrace so they could prop themself up on one elbow and look into his eyes. 

"I'm a hundred percent sure," they smiled, leaning down and giving him a quick kiss as their hand slid into his shorts casually, finding the front of his already damp boxers. Ezra's lips parted in a soft gasp, but AJ was already kissing him, smiling into it as they found his cock through the fabric of his underwear, two fingertips rubbing against it lightly. Immediately, Ezra broke the kiss, his head tipping back to moan, his body rolling into AJ's hand. 

"Ah! Oh, sweetheart, I love you," he muttered, then groaned softly. "I need to pee, though." 

AJ giggled and pulled away quickly, giving his thigh a gentle slap. "Go on, then," they grinned, and Ezra rolled his eyes, giving them a quick kiss before moving to the edge of the bed and grabbing his crutches. He got up and glanced back at them for one more smile before heading to the bathroom, leaning on his crutches heavily. 

Once Ezra got to the bathroom, he sorted himself out and took a moment to breathe, promising himself that he wouldn't fuck this up for either of them. He wanted AJ's first time bottoming for him to be exquisite and perfect, he wanted them to be comfortable and full of love instead of thinking about countless ex-clients, but he was terrified it might all go wrong. 

After a few deep breaths, Ezra headed back to the bedroom, slipping inside and shutting the door behind him before actually looking at the bed. He froze, his eyes wide, and AJ grinned shyly, their cheeks flushed. 

"Do you like it?" They asked softly, and Ezra just stared. 

AJ had changed into a beautiful black lace lingerie one-piece, a halter neck that covered their chest and stomach tastefully, making their body look even more touchable and delicious than ever. The bodysuit didn't have panties attached, but did have garter straps, and AJ had slipped on some lacy thigh-highs to match, leaving their already hardening length on full display. 

"Oh  _ shit,"  _ Ezra breathed, and AJ giggled softly, their cheeks going even redder. "You look fucking stunning, magpie," he mumbled, unfreezing at last and making his way back to the bed hurriedly. 

"It makes my dysphoria a bit better, I feel...pretty," they admitted softly as he sat down, and he nodded, setting his crutches aside carefully before turning to them and opening his arms. 

"I can imagine, you look absolutely beautiful. Come here, I want a hug." 

AJ grinned, rolling their eyes as they walked over to him on their knees, burying their face in his neck as soon as he hugged them. 

"Only you would ask for a hug from your partner after seeing them in lingerie," they teased happily, and Ezra just hugged them tightly, savouring every moment he got to spend with his beautiful partner. AJ pulled away quite quickly due to the awkward angle, but gave him a quick kiss before moving to sit beside him slowly. 

"Can we talk through things first?" They asked softly, their cheeks flushed as their hand gently found his. Ezra simply smiled. 

"Of course, I was going to ask you the same, to be honest," he chuckled, kissing their cheek quickly. "I want this to be as good for you as possible, but I don't want you to force yourself." 

AJ nodded, leaning into his side slightly. "I...I'm not used to strap-ons, so um...I was thinking maybe you could put it on first? So we don't have to pause in the middle for my first time." 

Ezra let out a soft breath and wrapped his arm around them tightly, his heart warmed by the knowledge that AJ felt comfortable enough with him to ask for what they needed. "I think that's a great idea, sweetheart. And I have done...well, backdoor sex before," he said quietly, feeling his own cheeks flush bright red. "But um...do you have anything you want to tell me? Any preferences or anything?" He asked awkwardly, knowing that his discomfort now would pay off in the long run. If he didn't ask, AJ wouldn't get the pleasure and intimacy they deserved. 

"I just want to go really slow this time," they smiled, lacing their fingers with his tightly. "I may struggle a bit, but I'm sure you'll help me through it, and I may need to take breaks." 

"Okay, my love. How about you get comfy and I'll get myself ready?" Ezra murmured, and AJ nodded, gently guiding him into a kiss, just a brief, loving little peck before sliding their hand from his.

It took Ezra a short while to find his strap, having shuffled all his stuff when AJ moved in, but he eventually dug it out and took AJ's favourite dildo from their drawer, fitting it into the harness. When he turned around, AJ was laying on their back, their legs up and their fingertips massaging the base of their length. They looked comfortable and happy, smiling at Ezra as he made his way back to the bed and sat down. 

"I was expecting you to be more nervous," he admitted quietly, slipping his shorts and boxers off, then his shirt, and began to fit the strap-on carefully. 

"I'm a little nervous, it'll probably be more when you start touching me," AJ said softly from behind him. "But I trust you, angel. Do you think...maybe you could give me oral while you prep me?"

Ezra nodded, adjusting the last strap and quickly climbing onto the bed, crawling across the bed to lean over his partner, one hand on their cheek as he just gazed down at them lovingly, taking in their sheer beauty. Their golden eyes were soft, their lips parted ever so slightly and their legs wide, silently communicating how needy and ready they were. "I can do that," he murmured, and AJ reached up, fingers curling in his hair. 

"Mmm, kiss me, angel," they mumbled, and Ezra obliged, kissing his beautiful partner in the warm afternoon light, feeling it filtering through the curtains to spill over his back as he gently guided AJ deeper into the kiss. They rocked their hips and Ezra felt their length against his stomach, already a little sticky with pre. He purred into the kiss and broke away hurriedly, sliding down to settle between AJ's legs, then hesitating. 

"Fuck, I forgot the lube," he chuckled, and AJ giggled, leaning over quickly to grab it from the bedside drawer. 

"There you go," they smiled, handing it to him quickly, their fingers brushing his. Ezra just smiled in response and blew them a kiss, then set it aside. He gently guided their legs a little wider instead of going straight in, rubbing their upper thighs and around their entrance, giving them a light massage and making them squirm in excited anticipation. 

"Mm, Ezra!" AJ whined needily, already shuddering, their thighs trembling slightly as they reached down to brush their fingertips over one of his hands. Ezra grinned and leaned down, kissing the inside of one of their thighs. 

"Yeah? You're eager tonight, hmm? Are you looking forward to being lovely and intimate with me?" He murmured, and AJ nodded, their head tipping back against the pillow as their eyes closed up. 

"Yes, angel," they mumbled, and Ezra kissed their thigh again, slowly moving up their skin. 

"What a good little bird you are," he praised softly, and felt their little shiver under his hands. "How beautiful and perfect," he went on, his voice low, but full of genuine adoration. Another kiss, and AJ shivered again, squirming once more, rolling their hips into nothing. Ezra took pity on them and decided to stop teasing, instead sliding his hand all the way up their thigh to their length, already twitching and leaking. He considered his options for a moment, then laid his hand flat against their crotch, their length between his middle and ring finger to hold it in place without him having to touch their shaft. Immediately, AJ rocked up against his hand, the heel of which ground down against their balls slightly and made them gasp ever so softly. 

"That's it, sweetheart, nice and relaxed," Ezra murmured, gently moving their balls to the side, then giving the back of their thigh a light pat. "Slide down a bit for me, beautiful." 

AJ did as they were told, exposing themself a little more and spreading their legs just a touch further for him. Smiling to himself, Ezra glanced up at them, studying the relaxed, happy look on their face as they met his gaze. 

"You doing good?" He prompted softly, and AJ nodded, reaching down to run their fingers through his fluffy hair. 

"Yeah, I'm great, angel. I feel so safe with you," they smiled, and Ezra's heart leapt in his chest, his own smile widening. 

"I'm so glad," he answered sincerely, then finally ducked down. AJ let out a soft, surprised little cry when his tongue dragged over their tip, but he could tell they were already basking in the pleasure, their back arching slightly. Swirling his tongue slowly, Ezra tried to treat AJ's length like a large clit, reminding himself over and over not to get too eager. It was easy to want to give his partner as much pleasure as possible, to take them all into him and stimulate every inch, but there was no way they could handle that. The way AJ's fingers curled in his hair though, the way their hips trembled with the effort of not bucking up, the way their voice cracked into little whimpers as they tried not to moan too loudly, all told Ezra he was doing at least pretty well. 

After a few more moments, he gently pulled back, rubbing AJ's thigh with his spare hand and watching them as they relaxed down from the pleasure. "Sweetheart, are you ready for-" 

"Please," they breathed, golden eyes opening slowly, their eyelids fluttering as they smiled down at their partner. "Please, Ezra." 

He nodded and kissed their thigh, then reached for the lube quickly, flashing them a brief smile. "Remember to tell me if you need to stop," he said gently, and AJ nodded, ruffling his hair lightly as he bent his head again. He lapped against their tip, keeping his movements easy and minimal, glad the lube had a pump top so he could use it with one hand. 

AJ twitched slightly when Ezra smoothed the cold gel over their entrance, but, judging by their soft moan, Ezra figured they were okay and kept going, circling one fingertip around their ring of muscle. Moaning again quietly, AJ gave his hair a gentle pull, their hips rocking down against his hand, and Ezra purred around their tip, very slowly starting to push his index finger inside them. AJ gasped softly, then whimpered, and Ezra pulled back immediately, looking up at them worriedly. 

AJ looked like they were on the verge of tears, so Ezra quickly wiped his hand on the sheets and crawled up to hug them, gathering them against his chest and cradling the back of their head as they clung to him gently. 

"It's okay, it's okay," he murmured, but AJ was already shushing him, sniffling as they nuzzled at him. 

"I'm okay, angel, I promise. I just got emotional, it's...a big moment for us," they admitted quietly, and Ezra very gently let them back down to the bed, studying their expression for any sign of pain or discomfort. 

"Are...are you sure?" 

"Yes, angel, I'm fine," AJ repeated patiently, smiling up at him lovingly and brushing an errant curl off his forehead. "I'd like to change my mind, though, I'd like you to stay up here and kiss me while you prep me," they announced shyly, and Ezra grinned, gently guiding their legs up a little more and getting into position. 

"Good, I like kissing you," he chuckled, and AJ just gazed up at him happily, their eyes ever so slightly wet. 

"God, I love you," they breathed, but instead of replying, Ezra simply pulled them into another kiss, reaching down carefully and grabbing the lube. He spread some onto his fingers and slowly, gently began to press back into AJ, their breath hitching, their hand tightening in his hair and pulling him deeper. Surprisingly enough, despite not having had sex in that way for about three months, AJ seemed to take Ezra's finger easily, remaining relaxed as he slowly, steadily pushed all the way inside. 

As soon as his finger was completely buried, he curled it, and AJ groaned, their kisses becoming a little more desperate, needy. They caught his lip between their teeth and Ezra moaned softly, just before they pulled away and rested their forehead on his. 

"I can take another," AJ murmured breathlessly, and Ezra could tell from their tone that he didn't need to ask if they were sure. He made sure he had plenty of lube coating his middle finger, then began to press it into AJ, nuzzling their cheek as they winced and took a few slow breaths. 

"You're doing so well, my beautiful little bird," Ezra praised softly, kissing the corner of their lips as he pulled the first finger out and began to press both in at once instead. AJ shifted and let out a soft little moan, seeming to relax at the sound of Ezra's voice. 

"My angel," they sighed softly, and Ezra smiled to himself, kissing them again slowly, helping them pace themself as he inched his fingers deeper, bit by bit. AJ rocked and Ezra felt warmth close around his digits, his partner finally having opened up enough to take his fingers easily. He smiled against their lips and pulled away, curling both fingers and pressing up. 

Moaning softly, AJ's body arched, their eyelids fluttering, and Ezra hummed encouragingly, very slowly starting to thrust his fingers slightly. 

"You're doing so well for me, aren't you?" He prompted, and AJ whined softly, clenching around him briefly, then relaxing even more, clearly beginning to get used to the stretch. 

"Yes, angel! I-...ahh! I'm d-doing well," they choked out in between moans, and Ezra's heart melted, his nose stinging ever so slightly as tears rushed up to threaten his eyes. He couldn't remember if he'd ever heard AJ say anything so positive about themself before, and here they were, halfway through reclaiming previously traumatic forms of intimacy, actually  _ praising _ themself. 

It made Ezra feel  _ unbelievably  _ good.

"Oh, sweetheart, I love you so fucking much," he muttered, lengthening his motions and beginning to open his fingers, helping to start warming them up even more. "Look at you, you're so beautiful and sexy and sweet and... _ fuck. _ You're just perfect. What are you, magpie?" 

"P-perfect!" AJ whimpered, then moaned obscenely, their body shuddering as Ezra found their most sensitive spot. "I'm perfect!" They cried out, and Ezra grinned, slipping a third finger into them with ease as they rolled their hips desperately, actively seeking the pleasure of his fingers inside them, rocking down against his touch. 

"Yes, you are, my love. Every inch of you," he murmured, sliding his fingers out abruptly and leaving AJ trembling, their breaths coming quick and shallow. "Are you ready?" 

Golden eyes fixed on him, distant, but in a happy, dazed sort of way, a beautiful, but slightly goofy smile on that stunning face. 

"Yeah," AJ answered simply, and Ezra nodded, putting plenty of lube onto his palm and stroking it up and down over the dildo, coating it completely before lining up and leaning over his partner. 

"Kiss me," AJ whispered, and Ezra didn't bother with a nod or an answer, instead just leaning down and very softly capturing their lips with his. The kiss was slow and gentle and everything they both needed, and as Ezra began to press forward, AJ moaned against his lips. 

Ezra felt the tip against them, slowly starting to sink inside and quickly shifted position, one hand stroking AJ's hair soothingly. "Hey, look at me," he murmured, halting his movement for a second, and smiling at AJ as they opened their eyes. "Remember it's a toy, okay? I can't feel how tight you are that easily, so you'll need to communicate with me," he prompted gently, and AJ nodded, taking a deep breath. 

"More," they said simply, and Ezra nodded, continuing to stroke their hair as he sank deeper, the tip of the dildo popping into them and making them gasp ever so softly. 

"That's it, beautiful," Ezra reassured them quietly, determined to praise them as much as would be appropriate now that he had proof it was working. "Relax for me, you're doing so, so well. I'm gonna make you feel so good, and I'm gonna take care of you, okay? I love you." 

"I love you too," AJ mumbled, opening their eyes again and smiling up at him a little shakily. "I...I need a break, I need to stop." 

"Okay, sweetheart. You're okay," Ezra soothed, matching their calm energy and gently pulling out of them, being careful not to let the ridge of the mushroom-shaped head catch too harshly. AJ let out a deep sigh and nodded slightly, gently giving his arm a light squeeze. "I'm okay, I promise. I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed and it's hard because I haven't done it in so long," they said awkwardly, and Ezra smiled, kissing their forehead quickly. 

"Okay, beautiful. You want me here?" 

"Yeah, I'd um...I'd like it if you went back to fingering for a bit, I um...that was okay and I think it'll help with the dildo," AJ smiled shyly, their cheeks bright red again. Ezra kissed them lovingly, lubed up, and shifted position, his fingers pressing back into them slowly. AJ let out a breathy little moan and Ezra hummed encouragement, nuzzling at their jaw lightly as they took him in easily. 

"There we go, better?" He murmured softly, and AJ nodded, letting out a deep, happy sigh. 

"Mhm. I'll be okay in a minute," they said quietly, stifling a yawn. "I think it's partly because I'm not used to being filled up slowly, either. It's um...good, obviously, the right thing to do, it's just a bit of...sensory overload for me, I guess." 

"I understand, you don't have to justify yourself," Ezra smiled, starting to thrust his fingers inside them slowly and gently. AJ gave a little shudder and clutched onto him tightly, their lips parting in a deep exhale. 

"I know, I just...mmm...I just like thinking out loud. If I- ah! Th-there! I understand what's going on in my mind, it's easier to deal with." 

Ezra nodded, but didn't answer, giving them time to get used to his fingers without having to talk as well. After a few more minutes, however, AJ was gently pulling at his wrist, and Ezra immediately knew what they wanted. 

He slid back into position easily, giving the dildo a fresh coating of lube, and this time, AJ moaned happily, the toy sinking into them so easily that Ezra nearly pushed in all in one go by accident. But he managed to keep it slow, showering AJ with kisses and half-formed praise, saying 'I love you' probably about ten times a minute. 

AJ seemed to soak it all up like a sponge with low self esteem, however, their fingertips gently digging into Ezra's back, their little needy gasps making his heart swell with love and the desire to give them as much pleasure as possible. That was one thing he liked about having to use a strap-on, he had to admit - it was so much easier to focus on his partner. He wasn't distracted by his own pleasure, which meant he could devote himself wholeheartedly to making AJ feel good and basking in the deep, intense intimacy of it all. AJ was trusting him with something they'd never really freely  _ shared  _ with anyone before, and that felt better than any orgasm ever could; he wanted to feel it as much as he could. He wanted to bring AJ to their climax, he wanted to see them finish, he wanted to make them orgasm during this most special of firsts. And his own carnal pleasure would have easily gotten in the way. 

Ezra smiled to himself as the moulded balls on the toy bumped up against AJ's backside, announcing that he'd worked the whole shaft into them. AJ let out the deepest sigh he'd ever heard and hugged him tightly, turning their head to bury their face in his hair. 

"Oh, Ezra," they breathed, already tired out, but in the best way. "Will you make love to me?" 

"Of course I will, my beautiful, intelligent, strong little bird," Ezra purred, and rocked his hips. 

It was just a small movement, but AJ reacted much more drastically than Ezra had expected, their body jolting in pleasure, their head rolling back as they whimpered. Their breath was heavy, their collarbone standing out every time they breathed in, their mouth open as they moaned needily. 

"Shh, it's alright, sweetheart, I've got you," he soothed, stroking AJ's hair and kissing the corner of their lips as they wrapped their legs around him, whining softly. "I'm here, I love you." 

With that, Ezra picked up a slow, easy pace, peppering AJ's skin with kisses as he thrust about half the dildo in and out of them with each movement, gliding over their sweet spot and pressing nice and deep inside them every time. AJ melted under him, already trembling all over, their length spilling pre onto their stomach as they moaned and writhed and tried to get Ezra impossibly deeper. 

"Ezra! M-more, please, angel!" They squealed after one particularly well-aimed push into their prostate, and Ezra chuckled softly, guiding them into a messy, passionate kiss as he began to speed up, keeping his thrusts long and gliding, their fingernails digging into his back. It only took a few rolls of his hips before AJ couldn't keep the kiss anymore, dropping their head back to moan, so Ezra ran his hand down their beautiful body. His fingers paused briefly as they brushed over AJ's stomach, feeling the luxurious little curve there before trailing further down. 

AJ cried out as he began to rub the heel of his hand against their base, beyond words as their eyes rolled back and their body shuddered. They were glistening with a thin sheen of sweat, hips pressing hungrily up against Ezra's hand while he kept the same pace, fast enough to be highly pleasurable, but also slow enough to make it all so intimate. With his spare hand, Ezra reached down with two fingers and began to press against AJ's piercings, feeling the friction of the dildo inside them through their skin. 

In response, AJ jerked and suddenly went very still, causing Ezra to panic until he felt their length twitch under his hand. Instinctively, he buried the dildo as far into them as it could reach and kept moving his fingers, rubbing over their perineum as they spilled against his hand. They gasped loudly and jerked again, slightly less dramatically this time, then rocked their hips up into his hand, moaning softly and happily, sounding utterly exhausted. At last, AJ flopped back to the bed, tired, pleasure-clouded gold eyes opening slowly and lazily fixing on Ezra's face. 

Nerves stirred in Ezra's stomach, but his partner was already smiling, reaching up with one trembly hand to stroke his cheek lovingly. 

"Oh, angel, you are so perfect," AJ sighed happily, gently pulling him down into a quick kiss as he relaxed, already relieved that they seemed to have enjoyed themself, despite that very last minute scare. 

"Was it okay?" Ezra asked nervously, and AJ giggled softly, running their thumb over the skin under his eye. 

"You  _ are _ funny, sweetheart. It was amazing," they murmured, their eyes a little shinier than usual, their smile becoming a little wobbly. "Ezra, I...I never thought I was going to get that back," they began slowly, a little choked up as their gaze flickered down to his lips and back up again. "That was the most I've...I've ever enjoyed bottoming, and...and I just love you so much," AJ sighed tearfully, and Ezra leaned down quickly, kissing their cheek softly and lovingly and trying to swallow his own emotion as it rose up to choke him. 

"Fuck, I love you too," he growled, smiling as AJ grinned, turning their head towards his, trying to snatch a kiss. "I'm glad you felt safe with me, and I'm so, so proud of you for making it past this milestone with me. This is your new official first time," he added, and AJ sniffed, wiping their eyes hurriedly before flashing him an overjoyed smile. 

"It is," they agreed quietly, then ran their fingers through his hair and kissed his nose lightly. "I'd like to get a bit more comfy now, though." 

"Oh, yeah, sorry," Ezra chuckled, sitting back slowly and wincing as he realised he was still covered in half-dried come. "Sorry, sweetheart," he repeated softly, carefully pulling his hand away from them and kissing their stomach when they flinched. "I'll go get you a damp cloth, okay?" He assured them, then slowly began to slide out, shushing them soothingly when they gasped and gave a little shudder. "You're okay, I've got you," Ezra hummed, just as the tip popped free and AJ relaxed again, their eyes still comfortably closed. "Ah, fuck," Ezra muttered, only just realising that he had to either put his prosthesis on or use crutches with his still rather dirty hands. 

"You okay?" AJ asked immediately, their voice a little dreamy, and Ezra sighed, leaning over to open the bedside table. 

"Yeah, I just made a mistake," he sighed, digging around and thankfully finding a mostly empty pack of wet wipes. He sorted his hands out and then leaned over AJ, helping them out of the lingerie and then kissing them softly to distract them from their body while he cleaned them off with a fresh wipe. 

Once that was done, Ezra slipped the strap off and set it aside to clean later, instead moving closer to AJ and stroking his hand down the centre of their perfect, still slightly sticky chest. "What now, sweetheart?" He murmured, and AJ opened their eyes to smile up at him lovingly. 

"You're restless, huh?" They grinned, and Ezra laughed, kissing the corner of their lips lightly. 

"Who wouldn't be a bit wound up after that?" He chuckled, running his hand over their ribs and feeling the healthy padding of fat over their bones. "TV and cuddle?" Ezra couldn't deny how much seeing AJ finish like that had turned him on, how much he'd loved to see them truly shedding their past, emerging from the chrysalis and opening their beautiful wings for the first time. They were reclaiming their body and everything they were used to doing with it, and learning to be sexually, safely intimate. And not only was Ezra incredibly proud and pleased for his partner, he was also very, very hard. 

But AJ showed no signs of wanting to reciprocate, at least not yet, and Ezra didn't want to push it at all, not now. Their legs were still trembling after all, and Ezra figured their first orgasm from penetration in ages was bound to be very intense. 

"I'd love that," they answered in a small voice, and Ezra nodded, grabbing some more pillows so he could sit back against them, half reclined. AJ quickly snuggled up to his side, curling up and pulling the sheet over their hips as they rested their cheek on Ezra's chest, one arm wrapped around his stomach. 

Just about managing to reach around them, Ezra grabbed his laptop and started the show playing again, setting it a little further down the bed so it wasn't on his lap. The computer was kind of old and tended to get hot easily, and he was still naked, far too bare to have a hot laptop on his skin. AJ made a happy little noise and nuzzled at him, and Ezra grinned, stroking their hair slowly, over and over as they relaxed into him. 

"Are you still feeling good?" He asked softly, and they nodded, pressing a little closer to him. 

"Yeah, just a bit shaky, it was um...probably the best orgasm I've ever had, from like...penetration," they admitted softly, and Ezra smiled to himself, resting his chin on top of their head comfortably. 

"I love you so much." 

"I love you too, angel." 

Silence settled for a while, comfortable and happy, AJ's body relaxed against Ezra's, but eventually, a short time after they'd stopped trembling, AJ began to move. It was innocent enough at first, their hand stroking back and forth over his stomach, their touch light and loving, and then their hand began to run lower. 

Ezra drew in a slow breath as AJ's fingers bumped against his thigh gently, their lips brushing his skin. Moving slowly, a little shy, Ezra opened his legs, bending his right knee up to give AJ even better access. 

"Good angel," AJ murmured simply, and their fingertip dipped between his folds immediately, testing his wetness and dragging some up to spread it over his already hard cock. Ezra bit his lip hard, unable to stop himself from squirming as AJ casually stroked their fingertip up and down his short shaft, apparently still engrossed in the show on Ezra's laptop. 

"Sweetheart?" He mumbled, and AJ hummed innocently, checking the pad of their finger was well-slicked before rubbing it against his tip. Ezra jerked and took a sharp breath in, almost closing his legs as he rocked up. 

"Yes, angel?" AJ giggled softly, and Ezra rolled his eyes, looking down at them and smiling as they grinned at him. 

"You're adorable," he chuckled, and AJ's smile softened slightly, becoming more sweet than teasing. 

"Thank you. Is this okay? Me just...touching you a bit?" 

"This is amazing, I love it," Ezra answered simply, spreading his legs a little wider to illustrate his point. AJ hummed and ran their spare hand over his residual limb, then sighed softly, taking his shaft between their thumb and forefinger and rubbing it lightly, making him moan again softly. 

"Ezra, you're all dry again, you need to moisturise your leg every day," AJ chastised gently, leaning down very briefly to kiss Ezra's knee. As soon as they straightened up, before Ezra could gather enough words for a reply, AJ slid their index finger down, toying around his soaked entrance for just a split second before plunging all the way inside. 

Ezra's mouth fell open in a soft moan, his hips bucking, and AJ purred, sliding their finger out to trail it over his folds again, teasing him. They didn't seem too worried about making him come, not yet, their fingers still wandering, exploring every inch of Ezra's soft skin. 

"You're so beautiful," AJ murmured, now rubbing two fingertips over his entrance, teasing him gently as he gasped softly and tilted his hips up, his eyes slipping closed to focus on the sensation. 

"Mmm, I...I love you," he moaned quietly, AJ's spare hand running over the inside of his thigh, stroking his skin lovingly. 

"I love you too, angel. I want to touch you like this more often, I love watching your face when I touch you," AJ purred, thrusting their fingers into him gently, causing him to jerk slightly and shudder, taking in a sharp breath as they began a slow, easy pace, curling their fingers up into his sweet spot. Ezra bit back a moan and tightened his arm around AJ, opening his eyes again and looking down at his partner. 

"God, I love this too," he mumbled, reaching up and stroking their hair slowly. "Casual touching always feels so perfect with you," he added softly, and AJ smiled, turning to kiss his chest before focusing on their fingers again, sliding in and out easily, slowly. 

"Do you want me to make you come, angel?" They murmured after a few more quiet, pleasure-filled moments, and Ezra let out a soft moan, his eyelids fluttering. 

"Oh,  _ Christ,  _ yes," he groaned, and AJ chuckled, leaning up to kiss his jaw before shifting position, their spare hand going to his cock. Ezra sighed softly and AJ kissed him briefly before starting to speed up the pace, rubbing his cock with two fingers while thrusting into him, curling up against that wonderful spot inside him. 

Ezra's eyes rolled back, his mouth dropping open, and he began to rock his hips instinctively, trying to chase the building pleasure as AJ kept speeding up until they were fucking him on their fingers, thrusting hard and fast and making him choke on his own breath, his head thrown back and his teeth clenched. 

"Come for me, angel, come on!" AJ growled, fucking him so hard now that Ezra didn't think they could physically go any faster, his whole body tightening as heat began in his stomach. He bucked his hips and cried out as he came suddenly, the orgasm hitting him more quickly than he'd expected, his whole body jerking with the force of it. 

"Good, good angel," AJ praised softly as he collapsed back to the bed, their fingers still working inside him gently, helping him ride out the pleasure. "My sweetheart," they murmured, and Ezra opened his eyes slowly, trembling ever so slightly with the force of his orgasm. There was a wet patch on the bed in front of him. 

"Oh shit, I-I'm sorry, I-" 

"Shhh, angel, it's okay," AJ said quickly, not taking their fingers out of him, even as he scrambled to sit up more, embarrassment flushing his cheeks. "I like it when you squirt," they admitted quietly, and Ezra winced, biting his lip. 

"I know, I just...I didn't mean to and it feels...dirty without a towel or anything." 

"I'll change the sheets, don't worry, angel," AJ soothed, pulling him into a quick kiss before finally slipping their hand from him. "But next time, we're gonna watch a movie and I'm gonna touch you the whole movie," they added with a grin, wiping their hand on the sheets. "I wanna see how long I can tease you for." 

Ezra rolled his eyes and let out a deep sigh, relaxing back into the pillows. "Mm, it's not really teasing. I like having you touch me, I don't really care so much if I come or not."

"Soppy," AJ grinned, and Ezra chuckled, his smile fading slightly as he just stared at them for a moment. They blushed and bit their lip, then giggled. "What?" 

Ezra let out a happy sigh and shrugged, flashing them a soft smile. "I was just thinking about how far you've come, that's all. I'm so glad you're here with me now and safe and happy. I just...I love you so much, and this is the best thing that's ever happened to me in so long." 

AJ's blush darkened, but they smiled lovingly and cuddled up to him, kissing his cheek quickly. "Well, you're the best thing to happen to me ever, so I've got you beat," they smiled, but Ezra could tell from their eyes that there was a lot of emotion there they couldn't or didn't quite want to put words around. 

"I'm so happy we met," Ezra said softly, tightening his grip on AJ's waist as they shifted, their hand running over his stomach. "Shall we go get cleaned up?" 

A few minutes later, Ezra sank down onto clean sheets, slowly swinging his legs up so he was laying beside his partner. AJ already looked sleepy, smiling at him in that adorable, loving way of theirs as he got comfortable. 

"Are you still feeling good about everything?" Ezra asked gently, reaching out to run his fingers through AJ's soft curls. They nodded and shuffled closer to him, wrapping their arm around him and pressing their body to his as he hugged them back. 

"Mhm. Thank you for trusting me to make good decisions about my body. I know you were worried to start with, but you trusted me, and that means a lot. I love you." 

"I love you too," Ezra sighed happily, squeezing them a little tighter and pulling the blanket over the both of them quickly. "I'm very proud of you and how far you've come." 

"Thank you," AJ answered simply, and Ezra could tell from their tone that they were getting sleepy, so he left them to it and soon heard the sounds of soft, gentle snoring as they drifted off in his arms. 

Ezra smiled to himself, deciding that he'd give it a few minutes, then go and make them both a late lunch. He smiled to himself and settled back to thoroughly enjoy the quiet time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you liked these two chapters - I originally wrote them as one really long one, so I thought I'd put them both up as a little valentine's day surprise! Also because it happens to be the 14th chapter lol :D   
> Anyway, let me know what you thought and I hope you're all having good days ♡♡♡


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